Michael Lohan

If a worm shit directly into Michael Lohan's ear, the inside of his head would produce better ideas than the ball of mashed cold dumb in there does. This cut turd out of a turtle's ass was put into handcuffs by the Tampa, FL police two days ago for threatening to throw his sometime girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony after she refused to suck his jerky dick and guess what happened again this morning? TMZ reports that just 12 hours after the dumbest bitch alive, seen below at the bail bondsman yesterday, was released from jail he called Kate Major even though the judge told him not to.

Kate contacted the police from her apartment in Tampa early this morning after she claims Michael kept burning up her cell phone by calling over and over again. The police went to interview Kate at her apartment in person and while they were there Michael called again. The police immediately went down to his hotel to arrest him for violating a condition of his release.

The last time Michael was arrested, he faked chest pains and tried to escape from the hospital when the police weren't looking. So of course, Michael was not going to disappoint us and he busted out another buffoonery move. Michael tried to escape from the police by jumping off of his third story balcony. Since Darwin is always trying to give us a laugh, Michael landed on a tree, fucking up his foot. Trees: 1 Lohans: ZERO!

Michael is currently in the hospital getting his foot looked at and while he's there they should also hook a colostomy bag up to his head to pump out all of the stupid in there. Michael will also be charged with resisting arrest once he gets to the police station. Kate said this to TMZ about the whole thing:

"I am sick of being lied about by Michael Lohan Sr.'s false allegations about his continual physical and mental abuse toward me."

Obviously the judge was correct when questioning if he could 'read.'

He has no regard for the justice system. He can beat up women but Mr. tough guy who slurred his words calling me 5 times after getting out of jail wasn't too tough by jumping off a 3rd floor balcony into a tree to try to flee from going back to the same jail he just got released from less than 12 hours ago"

Maybe they have phonics books in jail!"

Just a couple of days ago, this charbroiled twat was threatening to throw a trick off of a fourth floor balcony and now he's the one who fell off of a balcony. If you brought me a dark-sided CROC and said to me, "Michael, meet Karma," I'd still lick every inch of it as a thank you, because this is just too too perfect. Michael is like a soothsaying dumb fuck. Whatever he threatens to do to a bitch, happens to him a couple days later. Oh, Michael, please threaten to drown Kate in a pig's shit puddle if she doesn't wrap her mouth around the grossness that is your dick. Then on Saturday morning, we'll all gather around a pig's shit puddle with our happy faces on. You bring the popcorn.

And FARK can officially change their Florida tag to a Lohan tag.

Whenever you need a quick answer to the question "Why is Lindsay Lohan such a natural born fuck up?", just look at this mug shot of her wonderful Christian father Michael Lohan looking like a sun-damaged hairy baboon testicle.

Michael recently told Radar that his daughter needs a year in rehab and he will be there for her to guide her along the road to sobriety. Michael proved to his daughter that he is the supporting and stable rock she can count on by threatening to throw his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major off of a fourth floor balcony in Tampa, FL if she didn't suck his nasty dick. While most of us would gladly throw ourselves off of a fourth floor balcony if Michael whipped his turtle dick out and told us to put our tongues on it, Kate simply refused and that's when shit got violent. Kate told the police that he threw a TV remote at her, broke her cellphone, pushed her, grabbed her by the arms and told her that he'd pull some murder/suicide shit by slitting both of their wrists. Kate called the police from a land line and when they showed up at around 2 this morning, Michael clutched his chest in dramatic cunt fashion and so he was taken to the hospital.

This the best and most priceless part: Michael was treated for his fake chest pains and tried to be slick by slipping out of the hospital without the cops seeing him. Michael leaves a trail of douche slime when he walks, so an officer caught him and dragged his stupid ass to jail where he was booked for domestic violence again. I swear, Lauren & Hardy must be raising their fists from the grave for not using that buffoonery bit in their act. I can totally picture a Keystone Kop waving a baton at Michael Lohan as he runs around the E.R. in a hospital gown while this song plays in the background. What a dumb fuck.

Michael's side of the story is that Kate is afraid she's knocked up with the newest Lohan spawn so she flipped out after he busted a raw nut in her during sex. Michael also had a cut on his head, which she says he gave himself during an argument on Sunday night. Michael banged his head against the door and told Kate that he'd tell the cops she did it to him.

THIS LOHAN is the new THIS BITCH. Really, scientists should study whatever is flowing through the veins of a Lohan, because that will lead them to the antidote for foolery. The economy is sending the Lohan family a thank you basket for making it look like less of a disaster. This is the official family of fuck up.

And Michael Lohan, please meet Mel Gibson. You both want a blowjob in a violent way and you both are used to the taste of shit in your mouth. It's a love story just waiting to bloom.

Lindsay Lohan is one flash closer to dethroning Khia as the mug shot queen (and also one flash closer to becoming the new Faces of Meth timeline) thanks to this glamour portrait she posed for yesterday afternoon after Judge Stephanie Sautner took back her probation again and ordered her into a pair of handcuffs (which I hope she stole and stashed in her chonies to sell on eBay later). This is the sixth (the fifth one we've seen) picture of pride that is sitting inside of a frame on White Oprah's mantel. I have to say this isn't LiLo's best work in front of the mug shot camera. You can give better mug shot, bitch!

The good news is that somebody took a Baby Wipe and some Desitin to those diarrhea streaks that were scooted on her cheeks. The bad news is that this is some Who Ya Gonna Call? shit. Bitch looks like she should have one of those red NO symbols over her for several reasons. It's like Lurch time warped into the early 80s for some good coke. One cheek is stepping to the left and the other cheek is stepping to the right.

Meanwhile, as soon as LiLo stomped on the floor of the courthouse, out came a pussy-kicking roach who ran straight to the media to give his expert opinion on why his daughter's teeth look like she's rinsing her mouth out with the water from a broken toilet in a rest stop bathroom. Michael Lohan said this to Jane Velez-Mitchell on her HLN (via Radar) show yesterday:

“She’s an addict, she doesn’t care and she’s in denial. She’s smoking either crack or meth, either one or the other. I’m not going to shade it. I want her in a treatment program for a year. Nothing is going to change in her life. She’s going to be appearing before judges in the future if she doesn’t get help, instead of doing community service in the morgue she’s going to wind up in the morgue."

I'm not one to defend LiLo's dumb bitch crack antics, but if I had a father who looked like the dried foreskin from a turtle's dick and couldn't stop opening his trash hole to the media about what a fucked up mess I am, I would permanently move into a sauna that only puffed out crack smoke. Oh, fuck me in the think hole, I just gave LiLo an idea.

And to answer your first question, the bus is fine.

Normally when you read about someone getting hit by a bus, you hope that everybody involved is okay. But when you read about Michael Lohan getting hit by a bus, you just have to bust out a: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Don't worry, Michael Lohan didn't get hurt or die. If he did, I'd have a few less HAs in there, okay? I'm not totally a freeze dried cunt.

TMZ reports that an L.A. metro bus wished Michael Lohan an early Father's Day by smashing into his Jaguar yesterday afternoon. Apparently, the bus tried to pass Michael Lohan at a stoplight and sideswiped his car. Nobody was injured and Michael's Jaguar barely has a few scratches on it

Michael Lohan gets hit by a bus, Lindsay Lohan regularly gets a train ran on her... I swear, the Lohans and public transportation ...

But seriously, finally, years of White Oprah reenacting the "Regina George gets mowed over by a speeding bus" scene with a Michael Lohan voodoo doll (made from the dehydrated carcass of a sea turtle) have finally paid off! I am skeptical, though. If a fame whore gets hit by a bus in the middle of Hollywood and a paparazzo isn't there to capture it, did it really happen?

If Michael Lohan thinks the paparazzo's flash (which I'm sure he ordered from one-touch dialing) are abusing his douche syrup-covered retinas, then he needs to see it from this side. My eyes are cringing and my hand is in defense mode at the sight of his turtleneck (stolen from White Oprah who bought it at a Dress Barn sidewalk sale), jeans (Bugle Boys bought from TSS in 1987, I shouldn't hate), matching cowboy boots and signature cell phone waistband carrier case. From the waist up, this shit says: "I'm trying to look like someone actually gave me a hickey." From the waist down, it says: "factory outlet Billy Ray Cyrus."

The chick with Michael Lohan must have a funny way of showing she's a star fucker or she just arrived from the Midwest circa 1991 where ribbed turtlenecks and jeans like that are commonly seen. Ho has a lot of explaining to do to her family members.

And for some reason, I feel like The Lonely Island's new single goes perfectly with these pictures of Michael Lohan riding shot gun on the famewhore train in L.A. last night.

Michael Lohan, seen here with runner-up for Miss Downriver Trash 2010 Bombshell McGee, is making a sad face over White Oprah's claims that their daughters Lindsay and Ali are going to take a Magic Eraser to their last names. White Oprah violently humped on delusion when she said that Lindsay is a one name star like Beyonce and no longer needs the Lohan name. White Oprah also said that she's going to start using her maiden name Sullivan, because the name "Lohan" is TAINTED! Notice how White Oprah is taking zero responsibility for helping to cover the Lohan name with seven layers of fuckery and coke saliva. Anyway, this was a direct swift kick to the swollen asshole on Michael's soul and so of course he let out his feelings to his therapists at the New York Daily News.

"It's a real shame Dina would make up this kind of story.

From the time she came out to California, she's tried to put a wedge between Lindsay and me. Every time she comes around, she tries to put a wedge, and it's only harmful to Lindsay and the children. This family needs therapy."

I'm proud of the Lohan name. It's a name of integrity. We all had very successful jobs on Wall Street. My father was an unbelievable provider. My sisters are pillars of the community. There's not a blemish in my family outside of me."

Well, when the blemish is a cutaneous abscess that has fully infected every letter of the name, I'd say that's a pretty big blemish. You know, the Lohans should start fresh and all change their last names together. It will be a major family bonding experience. Since most of us use the phrase "is the fucking worst" to describe the Lohans, they can use that! Lindsay Isthefuckingworst. Has a nice ring to it. She can say it's Austrian. Fancy!

Michael Lohan should be sitting in a prison cell for regularly abusing our senses with his thrombosed hemorrhoid face and the delusion covered shit stones that belly flop off of his tongue on an hourly basis, but sadly the laws must protect human turds because he's allowed to walk the streets. And last night, he walked right into his L.A. apartment and allegedly attacked his ex-girlfriend Kate Major (seen here getting scissored in the chin). This time, Michael kept his vagina kicking foot to himself and instead threw Kate across the room and choked her out with a towel. Oh, Michael is just following one of the 10 Cuntmandments: Thou shall choke your ex out with a towel if she tries to leave.

According to the police report, obtained by TMZ (duh), Michael walked in on Kate packing up some of her things. The used douche water in Michael's system started to boil over and he freaked out, because she told him she was leaving for good. Michael allegedly grabbed her and threw her into a bedpost. When Kate tried to call the cops, Michael choked her with a towel and threatened to cut himself with a razor and tell the police she did it. Kate got away, drove to the police department and filed a report. Kate apparently had visible injuries on her body.

Michael was slipped into a pair of Lohan bracelets and was charged with domestic violence, false imprisonment and preventing the reporting of victimization. And as he was being booked, Michael conveniently started having chest pains and was taken to the hospital to be checked.

Oh, Michael, those aren't chest pains. It's just echoes from your prostate screaming about going back to prison again. Or maybe it was his heart out-loud laughing at his low-budget stunt queen moves. Either way, have fun.

Instead of sending Lindsay and Michael to prison, the government should put them in a laboratory where scientists will poke at them to determine what in their system makes them complete and utter FUCK UPS (and the government better not blame it on foreign coke).

A few mornings ago, I took my dog for his usual start of the day walk through the world that is his toilet. We headed towards his usual spot about a block away from my apartment. The scent of that spot inspires his bowels to move, apparently. As soon as we got there he hunched over and started to do the weird poop waddle dance he does when he's about to bless the sidewalk. A quick second after he began his dance of the seven shits, I noticed a disemboweled pigeon lying on the sidewalk about a foot away from us. My dog noticed the dead pigeon at the same time, because he started bouncing toward it while sniffing like crazy. I tried to tug him away while throwing him the same disgusting look he gives me when I'm watching Jersey Shore, but he really wanted to get a nostril full and was on a mission. So I'm tugging, and he's tugging, shitting and sniffing at the same time. It was a horrific necrophilia/scat scene that I did not want to be a part.

But you know, I'd gladly live in that dark place forever if it meant that I could wash away the image of Michael Lohan sticking his tongue into the mouth of Kim G from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Shitting dog sniffing a dead pigeon >>>>> THIS PICTURE

And there's a glaring typo in that picture. It should read "appetite extinguisher."

Remember when Michael Lohan released a statement stating that he will not longer state his opinion on his daughter's life in public statements? Well, that lasted about as long as a full bottle of whiskey in White Oprah's presence. Michael continued to fuck the media mic with his mouth over and over again. And once again, Lindsay Lohan isn't having it and she has released her own statement stating that she wants her father to stop stating statements in statements. This comes after the news that Michael Lohan is in Celebrity Rehab for "anger management" issues. (Wishful advice Dr. Drew gives to MiLo: every time you have an anger, make a fist and let it out on your own face). But anyway, here's the statement LiLo issued to Radar about her father's statement:

"I am sorry that my father has continually chosen to speak publicly about our relationship, my mother, my siblings, and my professional team. I am working through my recovery day-by-day and find his public media bouts unnecessary and damaging."

The entire Loclan (minus Nana, of course) need to immediately check into rehab for addiction to release fucking statements. Statementholics, all of them! How hard is it for LiLo to pull her father's head out of his ass, flick the dingles out of his ear holes and tell him to his face to stop talking about her? I mean, LiLo is close to releasing another statement to Radar that reads: "I am sorry that my mother has continually refused to pull down the toilet seat and aim for the center before making a drunk poo. It is unnecessary and damaging to my bathroom tiles."

We know you all hate each other more than you hate soap, so you don't need to keep telling us.

You know that dumb "communication exercise" where only the person holding the "talking stick" can speak? Well, every single Lohan (minus Nana, again) has one shoved up their assholes. Somebody needs to pull the sticks out (Nana, this goes out to you) already so we can be done with all these stupid statements.

The intergalactic space fly that flew out of a crater cocoon on the moon and took over a young Chinese woman's body by burrowing into her brain will bring her screeching alien act to the new season of Celebrity (?) Rehab (?). I was always told that Bai Ling is just naturally fucked up, but I guess some kind of wrong stuff is pulling at her strings. Bai could be addicted to snorting fireflies or chanting original haikus until she blacks out for all I know. The only thing that matters is that she's going to be on basic cable!

Dr. Drew better get a copy of Bailinganese Rosetta Stone and brush up on her language, because Bai can make you say "HUH?" in three words or less.

VH1 hasn't officially officially announced the cast, but TMZ got a hold of the list and they say Bai is on it. They also say that the DC Heid & Spencer, Tareq and Michaele Salahi from The Real Housewives of DC, are in the cast along with Dwight Gooden, Hobie from Baywatch and Michael Lohan.

Yes, Michael "I am so sober that I can give advice on how to be sober to people who want to be sober" Lohan is going into Dr. Drew's look at me clinic for fame whores. We already know that Michael is a wontshutthefuckup-holic and the only cure for that is for him to finally shut the fuck up. Can't Dr. Drew spare us by giving Michael a check if he promises to stick his turtle head back into his mesh shirt and shut up for good? I really hope Bai Ling uses her razor sharp nipples to cut Michael's stupid cell phone holder off of his waistband.