Michael Lohan

Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to work the other day and most of us snorted out a "meh," because the empty Jack Daniels bottle in her head doesn't have a grasp on time even though she has all those stolen watches lying around her house. But LiLo blowing off her job (no "Her Job" is not her nickname's dealer) worried Michael Lohan so much that he tried to stage an intervention today. Michael obviously didn't get the message that he's dead to LiLo as the sense of feeling is dead to White Oprah's nostrils.

TMZ says that Michael Lohan and his band of Captain Save-A-Hos knocked on the door of LiLo's house in Beverly Hills today, because he thinks she's on the bad shit again and wants to get her into Betty Ford. Some dude claiming to be LiLo's boyfriend (who looks like this) answered the door and told all of them to go away. When Michael refused to crawl back up into his ass, LiLo called the cops to report a trespasser. You think that by now, every police department in the country would forward every call from a Lohan to The National We Don't Give Two Effs Hotline, but they don't. The cops showed up and told Michael to go away. But before he went away, Michael called up Radar to say this:

"Lindsay needs help. She's around all the wrong people. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. She has to get better. I'm not going to watch my daughter die. A lot of people tried to stage the intervention with me. She is dating a guy named Josh Chunn and he told me, 'I feel the same way you do. I can't take it. They're destroying her life. Lindsay called the cops for trespassing but they opened the gates for us to come up… When we were leaving she threw Josh out and we picked him up in the car and he spilled the beans about everything she is doing. Her whole team has had it with her. All of them want to her to get treatment. I will keep putting pressure on her like I did before until she gets help. She is not going to get better without help and she needs treatment and help now."

Oh yes, Michael Lohan cares about Lindsay Lohan so much that he calls TMZ and Radar to tell them how much he cares about Lindsay Lohan. Caring fathers do that. I think what Michael Lohan meant to say was, "I don't want my daughter to die, because then who's go to pay the rent on my condo?!"

Aren't these Lohans exhausted from the non-stop messy, messy drama? They don't even take one day of rest from the foolery. This is what happens when everybody in a family doesn't have a job. They go to each other's houses in the middle of the day to fight. They go to the clubs together on a weeknight to fight. People with jobs ain't got time for that (copyright: Sweet Brown).

And you know who really needs an intervention? ME! I need an intervention for posting about the Lohans every damn day. Since LiLo isn't going to Betty Ford, can I take her place?

UPDATE: The audio has been yanked down, so click here to listen to some wonderful family bonding.

"Dad, Mom's On Cocaine" really should be the title for Lindsay Lohan's Mommie Dearest-like tell-all. That's a GOOD title.

Because Michael Lohan is a loving and caring father who always wants the best for his daughter, he pressed the record button when Lindsay Lohan called his charbroiled turtle-looking ass last night to cry about how she was being kidnapped by her mom and the limo driver. Michael Lohan sold the tape to TMZ, because again, he's a loving and caring father, and because mesh shirts don't grow on trees.

As most of us know, Michael Lohan called the cops last night after the twin terrors of Long Island, LiLo and White Oprah, got into it. The story goes that after partying until 4am in Manhattan, LiLo wanted the limo to take her back to her hotel in the city, but White Oprah wanted the car to take her back to Long Island. Why the driver didn't take LiLo to her hotel first and then take White Oprah home is beyond me. These are the Lohans I'm talking about, they want to make shit as extra dramatic as possible.

Sometime during the ride, the two messes started fighting about the $40,000 LiLo gave White Oprah to save her house from foreclosure. White Oprah didn't want to give it back and that's when LiLo called Michael Lohan. The tape is a mess. It's dysfunction's official soundtrack. At one point, LiLo tells Michael that White Oprah is on coke and keeps scratching her neck.

You know, Lindsay Lohan is the loser here and she should be ashamed of herself. That entitled piece of buzz-killing trash. Poor White Oprah. White Oprah probably just had the night of her life! There she was, popping her 50-year-old pussy with a bunch of 20-somethings at the club. White Oprah was thinking to herself, "Mama's still got it!" while doing it Gangnam Style on top of a table. Then she gazed into the crowd and caught a hot dude making eye contact with the plastic baggie of coke hanging out of her coochie. White Oprah winked at him and they both made their way to the bathroom where they did lines off of the toilet seat before she barfed in his mouth a little bit while they made out. They tried to exchange numbers, but White Oprah forgot what numbers were, so they just had to keep that beautiful moment in their hearts and remember it forever.

So White Oprah was high on coke and LIVING LIFE and that whiny Lindsay Lohan had to ruin it all by asking for her money back. What a bitch. White Oprah has totally sucked more dicks than Lindsay Lohan has, so she should get some respect!

And my favorite part of the tape is when Michael Lohan's threatening to call the Feds (eye roll) on the driver and the driver's like, "What's up? How you doing?" I love that driver.

This is coming from Michael Lohan, so take it with a grain of salt. And yes, that grain of salt is actually coke, so snort it up. At least you're getting something out of this.

So the charbroiled turtle known as Michael Lohan tells Radar that Dr. Phil's show put a total of zero dollars in his hands to talk about what a mess Lindsay Lohan's mom is, and he claims that she was paid $50,000. This does make some sense, because White Oprah was sitting there like a strung out patient rocking back and forth, spewing nonsense and just waiting for the doctor to write her a prescription so she can grab it and run to the pharmacy like it's pay day. Everything about her in that interview said: "I love drugs and I need this check to buy more!" Michael put it like this:

"I got absolutely NOTHING. It’s the first question Dr. Phil asked me but they cut that out. Dina DID get $50,000 and that’s why they were pissed that she didn’t give them the interview they wanted.

[She'll spend it by] having another party. And telling the kids (mostly Lindsay) that she’s broke.”

Bitch, please, like Dr. Phil was pissed. As soon as the interview ended, White Oprah stumbled out of there, crawled down the hallway, found his dressing room and searched his make-up drawers for an empty prescription pad before passing out in a pile of his stache brushes. While she was doing that, Dr. Phil jumped on his chair and wheeeeeeeee-ed his chonies off, because if anybody loves a train falling off the rails and crashing, it's him! Dr. Phil knew that White Oprah falling to the bottom would make his show rise to the top.

If Dr. Phil didn't pay her, he should, because she gave him some Jessica Lange in Blue Sky meets Neely O'Hara. Bitches win Oscars for that shit!

The last time the drunk leach on Lindsay Lohan's wallet and Cookie Puss' arch rival White Oprah tore her mouth away from an economy-sized bottle of Popov vodka to proudly represent the definition of delusion in an interview, it was a stuttering disaster of a magical mess. White Oprah's legendary trainwreck interview with Matt Lauer became AA's 13th step: DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Well, for her encore, White Oprah sat down with the real Oprah's humanized hemorrhoid, Dr. Phil, to talk about how she's an enabling piece of raggedy trash and has the parenting skills of a cracked meth pipe. The full interview airs on Monday, but because nothing will get eyes on your show like the promise of a showdown between a testicle with a stache and a drunken, giggling pile of weave hair, a 60-second teaser has been released. It's 60 seconds of YES and I love it when an exploiter exploits an exploiter.

Somewhere, the doctor who delivered LiLo is tearing up his medical license as punishment for not giving her to a pack of hobos in the hospital alleyway so she could stand some kind of chance at living a normal life.

And "You're in your little tie and your little shoes...." is now my favorite line to spit at a ho who is judging me for being a boozed-up disaster.

via Lainey Gossip 

Dear God, it's us, humanity, and we're finally ready for that apocalypse we've been promised.

The Rosemary's Baby theme loudly played in a doctor's office recently when an ultrasound scan picked up the terrifying image of an orange fetus in a mesh shirt. The ultrasound tech dropped the probe, ran to the nearest church and dipped their eyeballs in holy water to erase a picture that was more horrific than four horsemen farting out swarms of locusts while reading a newspaper with the headline: LINDSAY LOHAN WINS OSCAR (aka the true sign of the end, to be honest).

TMZ says that noted vagina-kicker Michael Lohan is procreating with Kate Major! In possibly related news, the unemployment rate just dropped 1%, because CPS has hired thousands of new agents to work in a new office right next to Kate Major's apartment.

Somehow between jumping into trees to escape the police and drunkenly beating on Kate, Michael Lohan found the time to fertilize her lady parts with the evil seed of Lohan. TMZ's sources say that Kate is in her first trimester and the act of her getting bareback dicked by Michael Lohan was illegal in more ways than one, because she had a restraining order out against him at the time of conception. The restraining order was lifted a few weeks ago, but I have a feeling that both Michael and Kate will get hit with another restraining order filed by their unborn fetus on behalf of EVERYONE.

Why? Why? Why did this happen? Why did our government do us wrong by not secretly spiking Michael Lohan's Axe dick lube with spermicide? Those two piece of trash fame whores might as well name their kid Poor Child, because that's what everyone's going to call it. And Lindsay Lohan better pick up a few more shifts at the escort agency, because she's got a new pair of nostrils to feed.

Lindsay Lohan's crazy hammerhead of a father says that the absolute embodiment of Liz Taylor (if Liz Taylor had looked anything like a cokey scarecrow disguised as a sheepdog) was beaned out on pills during her SNL appearance in March. Join me now in a boisterous "and?". In an "exclusive" interview with Celebrity VIP Lounge, the tree-jumpin' and pussy-kickin' Michael Lohan says that Lindsay was on prescription drugs that she "doesn't need" while playing a Disney princess and....I stopped watching after that. Sometimes Kristen Wiig can't even keep me watching that mess. And now she's gone. They're fucked.

The reason why we have Father's Day says:

“I have to say this…on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her. And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

I didn't know if you knew this or not, but the Lohan family has more talent in it than just Lindsay (*chortle*) and Nana Lohan's frosted bundt cake with sprinkles recipe. Dina Lohan was a Rockette, Ali Lohan turned her progeria into a "modeling career", and Lee Strasberg is teaching the remedial acting class for extras in a car dealership commercial compared to Michael Lohan.

Witness:

"And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

The tears were from the possibility that she might have made a couple chickens that he can siphon off her high ass. Look, if Lindsay Lohan had detoxed before filming Glee, TMZ would have bloody footage of her Trainspotting ass trying to eat Lea Michele's nose. Michael Lohan needs a job. And creating a website called "VIP Celebrity Lounge" isn't it! Can that bus make a return trip?

Before I get into more of Lindsay Lohan's crackhead antics, I thought I'd wet your whistle (with barf) with this picture of Michael Lohan looking like an uncircumcised turtle dick while striking a vomit-inducing pose in the mirror. Don't you dare throw Michael a compliment for his abs, because we all know those aren't abs under his lycra turtleneck, they're two halved slices of sausage. Moving on....

As Michael Lohan makes a bathroom mirror cry by putting his crack rock hard nipples in front of it, his partner in foolery Lindsay Lohan has been accused of starting the fight that ended with a delicious cocktail getting wasted. Michael tells TMZ that LiLo was the innocent one and she's the one who got splattered at The Standard Hotel on Wednesday night. But a friend of the girl LiLo got into a fight with says she started everything. LiLo was sitting in a booth next to the trick and got bumped. LiLo turned around, tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her, "Did you bump into me?" The girl denied it and told LiLo it was probably Michael Lohan who was sitting next to her. The rest of the situation went like this:

LiLo: That's my dad, why would he bump into me?

Girl: You go clubbing with your dad?

LiLo: (insert every curse word here) *picks up drink, throws at a ho*

And that's the other side of the story.

Blohan is a self-entitled piece of trash who has about as much sense as she has cartilage in her nose, but if there's one thing she respects it's booze and I doubt she'd waste a drop of it. Water is anti-booze and will dilute your buzz, so I doubt bitch had any of that on her table. If it's not at least 100 proof, LiLo ain't putting it on her table. White Oprah taught her well. So LiLo's totally got the Respect the Booze defense on her side.

And obviously, that girl threw Michael Lohan shade because she was jealous at how his tight sexy white turtleneck makes his titties pop.

Over a week ago, some trick accused mess of all messes Lindsay Lohan of getting violent with her at The Standard hotel's Smoke & Mirrors club. LiLo shat out a river of denial and said the trick got the wrong crackie, because she was at home watching TV like the homebody she is. I believed LiLo at the time, because Amanda Bynes was at Smoke & Mirrors that night and since she's the frontrunner to become America's Next Top Trainwreck, I figured it was a case of mistaken skank identity. But now there's this. LiLo went to Smoke & Mirrors last night and got into a verbal fight which ended with a girl throwing a drink at her. Oh, and Michael Lohan was there too.

TMZ says that before the club fight, LiLo called Michael Lohan to help her out after the car she was in hit another car in the hotel parking lot. LiLo says she wasn't driving, but that piece of trash is known for switching seats after accidents, so who knows. Michael Lohan showed up and did what Michael Lohan does. He kicked vaginas, climbed trees and threatened to kill everybody. You know, typical Michael Lohan stuff. Once Michael handed that situation, he took LiLo inside Smoke & Mirror, because a so-called recovering alcoholic taking another so-called recovering alcoholic into a club is a good idea and Lohans are known for following up on all good ideas.

A source says that even though Michael and LiLo stayed until last call, they didn't touch the sweet nectar. Just as they were starting to leave, a chick in a booth made fun of LiLo for being there with her dad. LiLo screamed "Shut the fuck up" at the chick and the chick responded by launching a cocktail at her. Surprisingly, Michael Lohan didn't respond by kicking every vagina in the room. Michael grabbed LiLo and the two left.

LiLo is such a freckled disaster that even if she did stay home, she'd still get in a drunken fight with a plastic ficus tree for looking at her sideways and trying to steal her man: a floor lamp from Pier 1. But now that I think about, I bet LiLo staged the whole thing and let the cocktail thrower snort an extra line in the bathroom if she agreed to throw the drink. If LiLo didn't get a drink thrown at her, she wouldn't be able to say, "No, I don't smell like my mom's piss because all those jumbo iced chamomile teas I drank were really pure whiskey. I smell like that because an evil bitch threw an entire bottle of Jack at innocent me. Everybody's out to get me! Are you going to drink that?"

Smart move, actually.

Okay, okay, just for today LiLo's title gets slightly upgraded from "mega dumb bitch" to "semi dumb bitch."

And here's a few pictures of LiLo hanging out with her brother in her backyard over the weekend. The photo agency tells me they were taken at Coachella, but that's impossible since LiLo never EVER leaves her house.

If you put on Hazmat-made goggles and dove into my browser history, you'd find a gutter full of foolery including searches for She-Ra helicopter dildos, a few hits to GOOP (know your enemies) and at least ten millions hits to the porn site Reality Kings. Fuck star Voodoo (born name: Alex Torres), who once got in trouble for skydive fucking, is all over that site, so let's just say that if you lined up a dozen baseball bats, I could tell you which one is his dick. Seriously, you could hit a baseball with it and then use it as a pole vault to launch yourself to second base.

Because Voodoo is a porn star with a peen so large that it can tickle your tonsils and prostate at the same time, it's not surprising that hos will pay top dollar to take a ride on his King Kong thumb dick. But Voodoo entered BITCH, PLEASE territory the other day when he called into The Jim Richards Show on Toronto's Newstalk 1010 (via Radar) and insinuated that Lindsay Lohan paid for his services:

JR: Michael Lohan's coming on the show. What should I ask him?

Voodoo: Um.. Ask him if he knows about that night I had with his daughter while he was sleeping upstairs.

JR: Are you joking?

Voodoo: I'm not joking.

JR: You have had relations with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: Um...many of these Hollywood celebrities pay me a high price dollar to come satisfy them.

JR: Are you joking?!

Voodoo: I'm not joking!

JR: So you've been with Lindsay Lohan?

Voodoo: I'm saying that.

First of all, Michael Lohan wasn't sleeping. Somebody needed to operate the zoom lens on the camera poking out of a hole in the ceiling. Second of all, Voodoo owes White Oprah a new bottle of Grey Goose, because she just spit up the one she had for breakfast from laughing so hard at this shit. Lindsay Lohan doesn't pay for crap, especially dick! The words "Lindsay Lohan" and "paid" go together like the words "Voodoo's dick" and "Situation-sized condom" do. Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore. LiLo doesn't open up her fiery crotchcano unless you fill your hand with a dime bag, a stack of ones, tickets to a fashion show, a spread in Playboy, a cigarette butt, a half empty can of Red Bull, a 10% off coupon for sea jasper, a tube of generic Juvederm or whatever's in the change slot of a pay phone. LiLo might be a cheap whore, but she still gets paid!

Voodoo needs to bite his tongue and if he's unable to do that, his snake monster dick can do it for him, because it can reach.

Sometimes at night I suddenly sit up straight in bed, covered in sweat and barely slapping my mouth shut on the scream that wants to shatter windows (my partner: "What are you DOING? Fuck, go back to sleep. Jesus. (pause) Did you fart?"). What was so terrifying that I have this cinema queen reaction?

It's the thought that someday the ancient astronauts who started this grand experiment are going to return to see the results. They're going to pick a couple of humans to investigate to see what their efforts have wrought, and then decide if we're worth continuing. Who will they pick, you ask? Will it be Nobel Peace Prize winner Ellen Johnson Sirleaf? Frank DeMartini and Pablo Ortiz? These people?   It would have to be this guy, right?

Fuck, no. It's going to be Michael Lohan. The star gods will check him out for about ten seconds, shake their heads, and open a black hole in the center of our planet (SCIENCE!) and we'll all die screaming cuz' of this dumb motherfucka of famesuck. Thanks, asshole.

 Papa Lohan went on Dr. Drew's Lifechangers show (Pinsky's become a bit of a famesuck himself) to talk about the Photoshop renderings Lindsay Lohan posed for in Playboy. It looked like an infomercial for how Men's Wearhouse changed Mr. Lohan's life. Despite having a bone on in his trousers over A) his daughter in Playboy and B) getting a live studio audience to play "doting father of celebrity fuckup" in front of, Mr. Lohan went for the Cable Ace acting award.

"I haven't seen it and I won't look at it. I've never looked at it," he tells Pinsky. "I heard it's 'classy'....she did some movies that were a little risque at times and I couldn't even go to the movies and watch them." 

Lying sack of spew! He jacked on them SO HARD. People with cell phones clipped to their belts are either the nicest albeit most clueless guys in the world or the pages of their personal copy of their junkie daughter's Playboy debut are stuck together. He would be the latter. Mr. Lohan considers Lohan showing off her milky goodness for the general public a "move" that's positive because it means she's "working". Yes, she's showing the maximum effort.

Lohan reportedly goes on to express concern over Lohan's sea jasper use and her getting involved with "the wrong people". Bitch could be getting mani/pedis with Casey Anthony and Leatherface and she would still be better off than with you.

Papa Lohan also reveals his ex-girlfriend Kate Minor (in Stupid, the one he seems to regularly beat the shit out of, and who inspires dramatic cunt moves like leaping out of windows and faking heart attacks) might be carrying his latest big mistake. Sweet Jesus.

"Before I went in, she thought that she might be pregnant," Michael says. "When she left her dads house, she left some medication and her pills there and she was off the pill for like four or five days and of course we had sex...so there was a chance...from what I understand now, she says she's pregnant or she could be. Evidently she is taking the test so she thinks she might be."

Of course they had sex. Who could resist a man who just kicked you in the face and whose pet name for you is "Cunt"? Romance.

This dude is SUCH a junkie for the camera/gossip column item/blog post that you can almost see him QUIVERING in lust as Drew sinks the needle into his arm. What a sad piece of shit. He definitely made valedictorian at the Joe Simpson Academy For Completely Inappropriate Fathers, though.