When pictures came out of Gavin Rossdale gently touching the nanny's upper ass area during a hike, some thought that he was pulling a stage 1 Jude Law and were waiting to see the New York Post headline "NO DOUBT It's Over!" I see everything through melodramatic OMGSCANDAL eyes, and even to me the pictures looked innocent. Gavin's just guiding her ass (literally) up the hill while she's holding his kid. It's not like he's giving her the shocker. But even if he was giving her the shocker, it wouldn't be a big deal. The shocker is a known hiking technique. At least that's what I tell all my hiking partners....who are male....sort of hot....have big fingers...and not one of my relatives. Besides, like Gavin has room for another side piece in his side piece harem.
A source tells Radar that Gwen Stefani and Gavin both had laughs about the rumors that he's wet humping the nanny, because she's his sister Soraya and he's not dipping into some incest shit. The source said this:
"All the speculation is hilarious. And couldn't be further from the truth. Gavin and Gwen are happier and more in love than ever and their marriage is absolutely rock solid. They truly have one of the happiest marriages in showbiz, or outside of showbiz for that matter!"
See, so Gavin wasn't touching his nanny/side piece's ass. He was touching his nanny/sister's ass. Don't you touch your sister's ass when you go hiking? You can stop furiously shaking your head yes, James Haven. I already knew your answer before I asked the question.
Here's Gavin, Gwen and their Pom Pom at their kid's school yesterday.
When Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron were together, they'd sometimes wake up next to each other and just as the sun hit his SANS FARDS face, she'd say to him, "You look so much prettier without all that make-up on your face." But those words will never fall out of Gavin Rossdale's mouth, because he likes his wife Gwen Stefani more when she looks like a foundation stick with eyes and red lips. Gwen told Harper's Bazaar (via UsWeekly) that she's usually got face pores full of slap (Yes, I typed "slap" and yes, I've been reading from the Southern Memaw's Dictionary again) and her husband loves her like that:
"I've always been a girl who loves to dress up. I already put my makeup on twice today: I put it on to take my kid to school, and then I went home, washed my face, and put it on again to have lunch with you. I like to make my husband like me more. And he likes it when I'm wearing makeup."
"And then sometimes, when I've got a bunch of make-up on, he calls me Marilyn. Then he tells me to put on a strap-on and slap his ass cheeks with it. It's weird, but whatever. I do it, because I like to make my husband like me more."
Here's more of Gwen in Bazaar looking like a Hostess Sno-Ball and pictures of her with waterproof Xtina face while hanging out with Gavin at the beach in Palm Beach, FL yesterday.
It's been said (it's never been said) that celebrity relationships die in threes, which means there's a vacant grave in the middle of Vanessa & Johnny (maybe) and Heidi & Seal's graves. And Star Magazine (via HL) says that a tombstone for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's marriage is being made right now. Star's source says that their marriage is in death row right now and headed for the gas chamber, because Gwen is having a hard time dealing with all the secrets that are coming out about Gavin's past. Makes sense. There's only so many times that a bitch can make this face:
over her husband's latest SHOCKING revelation before she just can't take it anymore.
Star says that the first SHOCKING revelation came two years into their marriage when Gavin found out that he had a secret love child named Daisy Lowe. The second SHOCKING revelation came when Marilyn said that he had bumped b-holes with Gavin back in the old days. The third SHOCKING revelation came when Courtney Love told Howard Stern that she screwed on Gavin for 8 months while he was still dating Gwen. The source says that Gwen doesn't know how she can trust Gavin anymore and the two are in therapy:
“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding. It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feels like she doesn’t even know."
When you've been married to the father of your two children for almost 10 years, you should look past his past and present and do whatever it takes to make it work. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep your marriage alive. But when you find out that Courtney Love once shoved an Adderall up your husband's anus and fished it out with her tongue (that's Court's favorite game), that's a deal breaker. That's more than a deal breaker. That's some "call the priest and annul this mess" kind of shit.
As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica's curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn's finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.
I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked "orange chicken" at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he'll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.
The truth is, I don't mean that title. Kingston Rossdale is the fashion icon of the sandbox and so if he wants to boil the assholes of the teddy bear activists at PETSA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals) by wearing a Maude inspired faux fur vest, let him! And if he wants to bleach his hair into a shade I like to call "Samro Surprise," nobody's going to put him in time out for it!
Looking at that Where the Wild Things are mess on Kingston cues up the "remember when" harp for me and makes me think of these fake fur car seat covers from the swap meet my mom had in her Buick in the 80s. They were like a glamorous hug for car seats. A glamorous hug that smelled like old milk and piña colada oil from the car wash. Whenever I got the chance, I'd pull the covers off of her car seats and wear them off my shoulder thinking I was Alexis Carrington or some shit. Kingston should be grateful that he never had to wear car seat covers!!!!
Here's Kingston, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, Zuma Nesta Rock (that name still sounds like a limited-edition flavor from Arizona iced tea) and the nanny walking around Little Tokyo and the science museum in L.A. on Saturday afternoon.
For millions of centuries, cross-dressing pop star Marilyn has been telling everyone about how how he got a piece of Gavin Rossdale's bush long before Bush the band came along. Even Marilyn's friend Boy George co-signed the story that he was with Gavin for 5 years. The story has been everywhere. It's written in hieroglyphics on cave walls! If you put a black light to the last page of the Bible, you can read it there! Giuseppe Verdi was writing an opera about it at the time of his death! Everyone knows the story, but yet Gavin has always played the "HUH?! WHA? NO HOMO!" card whenever a reporter asked him about it.
Well, Gavin finally dropped the act and admitted to Details Magazine that he rolled around naked with Marilyn back in the day. Gavin also talked about why he denied it in the past:
GR: "I think at the outset there was a sort of fear--that was right at the beginning of Bush, and I didn't want it to be part of it. It felt like a cheap shot, so I was like, 'I'm not getting involved.' I've never wanted to appear closed about it. It's not something I've talked about really because it's always been in the glare of a tabloid world. It's just one of those things: Move on. When you're 17, Jesus Christ. I don't think there's anything strange about any form of--you're learning about life. It's a part of growing up. That's it. No more, no less."
Details: So it was just a one-time experimentation?
GR: "Yeah. That was it. You have to know what you like, and I know what I like."
Now that we've gotten that off the table, can Gavin please reunite with Marilyn so that he can restore those eyebrows back to their exquisite glory (see Gavin's brow situation in the picture above)?