David Arquette

Here's David Arquette on the Detroit set of his new movie Orion wearing almost the same slut-blocking chain harness that LeAnn Rimes makes Eddie Cibrian wear under his clothes whenever he leaves the house without her. David tweeted this picture and thanked his trainer for putting muscles and veins on his body and helping him make his thighs look like two whole turkeys stuffed with loaves of bread.

Marjory the Trash Heap just dragged this picture straight into the fap file on her desktop. You know every hoarder is fapping to this too. This is what it would look like if the Folsom Street Fair took place in the middle of a Junkyard War for some reason.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about David Arquette looking like this. Yes, I'd hit it on a broken toilet in the middle of a junkyard, but I'd feel really weird about it afterward.

via E! 

If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.

And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.

Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).

Oh, it's good to have our good old David Arquette back! I was scared there for a minute. When David checked into rehab, part of me thought that they drugged him in his sleep, wheeled him into the back room and surgically implanted a Brita filter into his brain to keep him from spewing TMI shit like he did before he went in. All was quiet for a while, but David opened his mouth to his friend Howard Stern and filled us in on the comings and goings of his dick.

Basically, he's going more than he's coming. David says that when he reunited with Courteney at Disney World, he tried to get her to take a wild ride on his Mr. Toad, but she politely got out of line and dropped her Fastpass into the trash. All the details we don't really need to know from UsWeekly:

As usual, Arquette was blunt. "Listen, I tried to fuck her, and she doesn't even want me," he told Stern and his crew. "Oh, that's probably something I shouldn't have said," he added regretfully.

The star (who appears in Scream 4 with Cox) admitted that the family-friendly getaway amidst Mickey Mouse et al got him feeling romantic and hopeful. "This is the happiest place on Earth! Let’s make it happier!"

"I mean, I love her. I love her with all my heart," he explained.

Stern, of course, pressed for details. "How far did you get with her? Just kiss?" the shock jock asked. "A little bit. It was like we were...eighth graders. Seventh graders."

Even though Cox rejected him, Arquette took pains to insist that Cox isn't hooking up with Josh Hopkins, 40, despite all appearances to the contrary.

"We have a really super fucking honest relationship and [a new romance with Hopkins] would have come up," he told Stern.

You know, I was about to seriously type that David just blew any chance he had at getting blown by Courteney's cooch again, but then I quickly erased it (and typed it again, just so I could say show you what I erased). It's safe to say that Courteney is pretty used to living with a grown dude who always talks like he's calling into Loveline.

Courteney Cox came back from her St. Barts bikini vacation (where she DID NOT lick the salt water off of Josh Hopkins' taint) to spend time with her estranged husband David Arquette and their daughter Coco at Disney World in Florida. David shared this picture of his family with all of his Twitter followers last night. A picture that was obviously taken during an earthquake with a 10-year-old disposable camera held by an overly caffeinated heroin addict who suffers from shaky hand syndrome, because this shit couldn't be blurrier.

They look happy, though. But I guess I'd be happy too if a VIP tour guide took me around Disney World and I didn't have to wait 3 hours to buy a $50 Coke from a tortured employee whose eyes say "fuck my life" and whose plastered smile says "Disney will take my first born if I don't smile at you" (I've read the handbooks).

I've never understood how Disney World and Land can get away with calling themselves the "happiest place on Earth" when they barely sell any booze and fill their stores with crying brats who scream at their mothers for not buying them a $30 bag of Disney brand jelly beans. Isn't that false advertising? CLASS ACTION ALERT!

via Daily Mail

David Arquette is laid up in an emergency room right now after he turned his Cadillac's steering wheel a little to the left and crashed right into oncoming traffic. TMZ has the pictures of David lying face up in the grass if that's what you need to see before happy hour.

A witness tells TMZ that David was right behind a car that hit their brakes all of a sudden. David must've not heard my mom when she screamed VEER RIGHT! VEER RIGHT! ALWAYS! during our driving lessons, because he went the opposite direction and bashed right into another car.

David's rep tells People that he's doing "fine" and is in the hospital to really make sure he's fine.

No word if everybody in the other car is okay. As they say, this shit is developing (but I know you're already throwing a "bring out the breathalyzer" look)...

UPDATE: David is well enough to operate a BlackBerry, because he Tweeted this an hour later: "Remember to wear your seatbelt-wish I was. I got into a car accident but I'm fine. Luckily I have dragon's blood running through my veins. Haha Thank you for all your concern."

David Arquette has pretty much been seven shades of DRUNK AS FUCK ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was stabbed in the heart, so nobody's really pushing out an ounce of shock over the news that he's checked his shit into rehab on New Year's Day. To be fair to David, most of our livers probably crawled out of our assholes and took a cab to the nearest rehab clinic on New Year's Day. Yup, that's what fell out of your ass. It wasn't an old condom. Relieved, right?

So anyway, they're going to wring the sweet nectar out of David's pores, take a million Biore strips to his greasy ass face and get him all cleaned up. David's spokeswhore confirms the news to People and a source added this:

"He is in there for drinking and depression, not hard drugs. Rehab was inevitable. He is dealing with a broken heart. He can't handle all the changes in his life. All his inner demons came out."

All his inner demons came out?! That sounds like me on the toilet after drinking well tequila and Taco Bell's $5 box. And for real, I feel for David's roommate. You know David's ass. The bitch CAN TALK about his problems! He goes on and on and on and on and on. David's poor roommate is in there trying to keep off the bad shit and he's got that loud ho crying out a river of WAH WAH WAH about all his damn problems. David's roommate will definitely learn in a quick minute how to make a mild-altering drug out of toilet rust, paint chips and carpet fibers.

Ever since his marriage to Courtney Cox was put in time out until further notice, David Arquette has been filling the cracks of his heart with massive amounts of booze. Yes, he's borrowing your "Listen, don't get on me for having another fucking drink, because I'm still upset about my dad leaving my family.......25 years ago" excuse. David called into his personal therapist Dr. Howard Stern to once again pour out his emotions for an entire hour.

David told Howard that he recently got so filled to the brim with DRUNK that he called Tom Cruise "Sean." UsWeekly compiled a few choice quotes from David's public one-on-one with Howard:

During his one-hour chat, Arquette said that "everybody is worried and concerned about me," and that he's seeing a psychiatrist weekly.

He admitted he's been partying pretty hard -- especially at a recent holiday party hosted by Adam Sandler, in which he drunkenly called Tom Cruise "Sean." "I was a little wasted," Arquette says. "Someone says 'Hi David!', and I said, 'Hi Sean! Then I realized it was Tom Cruise. And his beautiful wife [Katie Holmes] was there."

Cruise wasn't offended, Arquette said. "Tom was cool about it...I was so embarrassed. I was like 'I gotta get the fuck out of here.'"

Why the heavy drinking? "I've been drinking a lot because I'm heartbroken," he said. "It's really a personal, traumatic thing."

But he added that he had a "semi religious" epiphany recently: "When I drink, I become a maniac." Arquette said he's not drinking at all anymore. "When you wake up and reality hits you, it's hard."

He's lonely, too. "I want love in my life," he said. "I need love in my life."

David also told Howard that he might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

David is obviously one of those kind of drunks. You know, the dude sitting next to you at the counter at Shoney's who smells like whiskey burps and burnt hash brown. The one who makes a really gross cry face as he tries to swallow his pancakes while going on about his problems to you. Then as it gets later and later, you decide that you've got nothing else to do so you might as well try to cheer him up by blowing him in your Mitsubishi Mirage for shits. But then as you're doing your thing, he's just laying there moaning like an old dog having a nightmare.

You decide maybe a little filthy nasty talk will get him going so you blurt out something like, "Yeah, you nasty prick, you like your cock sucked, don't you?" And then out comes a typhoon of tears, because his wife's last name is COX! The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face. BEEJ RUINED! David is totally that dude.

So now you know to stay away from David if you see him at the counter at Shoney's in the middle of the night.

Courtney Cox is no longer around to send David Arquette into the time out corner when he acts the fool, so now he's letting down his everything and going wild. Not only is David looking like a Czechoslovakian circus roadie who smokes meth with the clowns and isn't allowed near goats by court order, but he's partying like he's got no curfew!!! It's like Big as seen through the eyes of Joe Francis.

Page Six says that at the GQ Men of the Year Awards at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. the other night, David's thirst for the sweet nectar was so serious that he jumped through a window to get to the bar faster. The witness-type said that David was in a rush to get his mouth around a bottle so he cut his distance to the bar in half by climbing through a window.

You know, some might call that move desperate, pathetic and sad, to which I say, YOU'RE RIGHT, but it's also all sorts of smart! What if David didn't act with immediate urgency (as one of my really annoying ex-bosses used to fart) and politely walked to the bar instead of throwing himself through an open window? What if in that extra 2 minutes the bartender served the last drop of booze to somebody else? David would've been totally fucked. So sometimes you just have to jump through a window. Don't act like at your last family reunion you didn't crash through a screen door when you heard your auntie scream "Who wants the last beer?" from the kitchen.

And I know David is looking like his parts come pre-lubed with bathtub cheese, but I still would.

David Arquette has already opened up his mouth hole wide and spewed out every detail about his split from Courtney Cox including how their genitals haven't barfed on each other in 4 months and blah blah blah... So now it's Courtney's turn, but she kept her legs firmly closed for this interview and didn't discuss her vagina's post-David adventures. Courtney told Australia's TV Week (via People) that she has no plans to melt down her wedding ring and turn it into a BFF split heart pendant to give to Jennifer Aniston.

Courtney says that divorce is not in their near future, "I don't know what will happen, but this is not like we're getting divorced. This is a separation and I think that takes a lot of courage . . . Whatever is supposed to happen will be the best thing for us. Sometimes you just realize 'Wow, we actually have grown apart."

When asked about David telling the world about their personal shit, Courtney said, "David is a kook. It's not shocking and Howard Stern he loves him and I'm a fan of Howard Stern . . . David is an entertainer and I'm sure the people who listen to the radio are entertained by his stories."

Sometimes when you've been with a bitch for 20 years, 10 years, 6 months, a week, whatever, you get bored with putting your tongue on their same old fuck part. You know every crinkle and wrinkle like the back synopsis of a Showgirls DVD (seriously, I have that shit memorized). So you go out and lick on other fuck parts, and sometimes by licking on a bunch of other fuck parts, you realize that the first fuck part is still your favorite to lick on.

Whoever said "absence makes the heart grow fonder" really meant to say "absence makes the dick grow harder." My guess is that Courtney and David hope this happens for them. Or maybe bitch doesn't have a pre-nup and she's not about to blow a goodbye air kiss to half of her money IN THIS ECONOMY. Yeah, that's probably it.

Patricia and David Arquette showed up to the Onexone Gala in NYC last night and I guess every reporter was asking her to comment on the current status of her brother's marriage. Patricia basically told reporters that if a question about her brother starts to tingle on their tongue, they should excuses themselves, go to the bathroom, pull down their pants and try to lick on their own assholes because that's a better use of their time than asking her about family issues. This is what Patricia said (via UsWeekly):

"How are you doing? How is your kid doing? Have you ever had anything happen in your life? What’s the worst thing that you’ve ever had happen to you? Do you ever masturbate? Have you ever had an abortion? I mean, can you imagine these kind of questions? Can you imagine? Can you imagine? It’s not alright! It’s not alright!"

This is why I'm not a reporter, because I probably would've answered seriously with: Eh. Who? Not really. Witnessing this video. I'm doing it right now. Probably.

But seriously, why are these reporters asking Patricia Arquette about David Arquette when they have David Arquette in front of them. David will tell them whatever they want to know. ANYTHING. David has already told Howard Stern that he hasn't sexed his wife in months and that he cried tears the first time he stuck it in another snatch. So basically, David is wide open for you. Want to know if his shits are banana-shaped? David will answer that. Want to know if David really cried because it was the first time he had sex without getting interrupted by a call from Jennifer Aniston? David will tell you this!

Besides, reporters should be asking Patricia more important things! Like why hasn't she done a remake of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? with Alexis Arquette yet?