In case you missed last night's soon-to-be Emmy award winner for best writing in a comedy, here's Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson looking completely natural and not at all fake in the face when Ryan Seacrest announced that front-runner Jessica Sanchez got the lowest number of votes. TMZ reported a couple of hours before American Idol went live that Jessica was going to get chopped and the producers were working hard to get the judges to use the "save" on her. Please. More like they were scrambling to find an acting coach who could help the judges' completely choreographed reactions look somewhat natural. It worked! Steven Tyler gave his greatest performance since playing a Skeksis in Dark Crystal, JLo pretended she was one of us watching her movies and Randy Jackson went back to the time when Sizzler told him they were all out of cheese toast.
It is impressive at how JLo finds a way to make a moment all about her. You can take the attention away from the attention whore, but she's going to find a way to get it back! When JLo snatched that mic away from Jessica and told that girl to have a seat, I expected male dancers to drop from above as she broke into a club remix version of the song Jessica was singing. You know JLo had a bedazzled leotard under her clothes and was just itching to rip that orange dress off to hump the spotlight.
In the wise words of New York from Flavor of Love: BEEEE-YON-SAAAAAAAAAAY?!!!!!!
Just like the rapture, the unholy K Hell union of Kim Kardashian and Kanye Kardashian née West was a long time coming and Gay Fish has been patiently waiting for his turn at her urinal cakes ass. An inside source (government name: Pimp Mama Kris) tells UsWeekly that is on a Kuntrashian high and thinks that besides being the reigning emperor and empress of the Illuminati, he and Kim can also be the world's newest power couple. Kanye is telling friends that he's the Jay-Z to Kim's Beyonce. Will the Blue Fairy please make an appearance and turn Beyonce's Blue Ivy decoy doll into a real girl so she can slap the shit out for Kanye for thinking this? The source went on to say that Kanye has been chasing Kim for a while and he's hoping their relationship goes all the way:
"It's not a PR stunt. They're perfect for each other. He thinks she's his Beyonce! Now that Kim has gotten over the Kris drama . . . she sees how much Kanye loves her.
Kim and Kanye's relationship is so fake that if you turned it into liquid form and poured it into a syringe, Kim would inject it into her face without asking if it's FDA approved or not. There's really three hos involved in this completely staged relationship: Kim, Kanye and the one they love the most, ATTENTION! I swear, Pimp Mama Kris is an evil genius and will go down in history as Lucifer's greatest creation.
I am temporarily interrupting your eyes' ride of ecstasy on Wayne Newton's veal parmesan face to bring you these pictures of Eddie Squintbrian and Falcor Rimes starring in The Neverending Whoring at last night's Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas. Eddie and LeAnn were cheesing it up for the cameras like there's one spot left on InTouch Weekly's cover and it's printing day. In the span of just a few minutes, these two whores started a pregnancy rumor, burned retinas by kissing and then LeAnn flared her teeth like a buck-toothed pony doing Liz Lemon doing Julia Roberts' cackle. There are a million reasons to hate on Eddie and LeAnn (example: making you hate Equus for putting ideas into Eddie's head), but you can not deny their red carpet whore game.
Although, LeAnn should've toned down that laugh a bit. The last time I saw a malnourished creature maniacally neigh like that, it was in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and it ended with the farmer sadly telling his young son that his "pal" has gone crazy and needs to go to "the farm" to get some "sleep."
And wearing that dress is only okay if you're a back-up dancer at the club where Kate Capshaw performed in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
After a white load was shot onto Kim Karkrashian's hair and back, she cracked the bulges of plastic in her face by laughing it off like it was nothing. If Kim left it at that, the stunt would be forgotten and nobody would be writing about it. Pimp Mama Kris taught Kim how to turn flour into whorenade, so now she's whining about how she's thinking of pressing charges and now everybody is writing about that mess again (including me, which is why I cry at the bottom of a lukewarm shower at night). The plastic bag of whore farts told leaf carrier Giuliana Rancic that what happened to her is not right and it took attention away from the charity she was promoting (aka the charity being herself).
"I said earlier no I wasn't [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don't want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.
I was laughing it off earlier and, you know, I think that is the only thing I knew how to do at the time. But I just think it is such a shame that someone like that...would ruin an event, or attempt to ruin an event, that was based around, not only my fragrance, but this organization, Dress For Success. I mean that's what the event was about. These women flew in from all over the country to be a part of this event, that are underprivileged women, that really got the shine taken away from them a little bit. That's why I am calling in now. I feel bad that it was kind of derailed from that.
Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, 'What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?' It's scary. And what's even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and...I'm gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable."
Getting splattered on made this bitch famous and getting splattered on AGAIN is stretching her 15. If this shit wasn't a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim still got attention for it. If this shit was a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim STILL got attention for it. The real losers in this is all of us. Correction: The real loser in this is that flour, because it was wasted on that twat when it could've been used to make delicious cupcakes. Think of the cupcakes.
UPDATE: TMZ says Kim will press charges against the ho who splattered flour on her. And we should all press charges against Ray J for making Kim famous by splattering his jizz on her.
Kim Kartrashian is used to white loads coming at her, but a different kind of white load came all over her last night as she walked the carpet to promote her new bottle of skankafied bladder water ironically called True Reflection. These pictures of Kim looking like the entire Lohan family farted, queefed, sneezed and coughed on her at the same time were the last pictures to tuck me into bed last night and were the first pictures to wake me up this morning and it still feels like I was bombed with a bag full of HAHAHAHAs.
Both E! (aka Kuntrashian Headquarters) and TMZ say that the flour bomber was heard mumbling about "fur" or something while security took her away. Of course they want our asses to believe that this was an act from PETA getting back at those Kuntrashians for all the baby warthogs Khloe has mutilated during her midnight hunts or for all the goats Pimp Mama Kris has scarified in the name of her creator Lucifer, but BITCH PLEASE.
If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. This shit was so staged. The obvious sign came from Kim herself when she responded by not crying her rubber spatula face off. Kim released this statement that was obviously pre-written by her publicist:
"That probably is the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me. Like I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that's a whole lot of translucent powder right there."
PETA isn't taking credit for this shit and told TMZ that this video was given to them by a different anti-fur activist:
I don't care if this mess is obviously a total STUNT QUEEN move, it made my night last night and it's making my morning this morning. But I probably won't be laughing when I find out that this was all a publicity stunt to promote Kim as the new face of Argo cornstarch. I mean, cornstarch does get the piss smell out.
File this under: I hope this leads to talking ice sculpture Cindy McCain writing her own Penthouse Letter.
John and Cindy McCain's daughter Meghan McCain is in Playboy's April issue (for reasons I'll never know) and she kept her Republican titty balls to herself, but she did talk about how only peens are allowed up in her sugar walls. But before Meghan got into dick talk, she said that she overdosed on Xanax the day before the 2008 election and that she gained some chunk during the height of "Obamamania." Meghan gained weight by gorging on Snickers while hanging out on her parents' bed with her friends and that led to dick talk:
Watch it, mister. My friends from home came over to support me, and we got in my parents’ big bed. They have this huge California king and we just stayed up eating ice cream. I’m not a lesbian, if that’s what you’re asking. I’d be the first person to tell the world I was gay. I’m not private about anything. I think you should live how you should live. But I’m strictly dickly. I can’t help it. I love sex and I love men.
And that led to the interviewer asking about Meghan's love for Rachel Maddow and Tila Tequila:
Honey, you’re nobody unless you have a gay rumor about you. I’ve been hit on by women from time to time, and it might simplify my life if I were gay, but no. Rachel and Tila are just great people. For me, it’s an issue of civil rights. Who people want to sleep with and who they want to love should not have anything to do with government politics at all. And if you see me in a gay bar, it’s only because they play the best music and my gay friends like to dance. Gay guys love me. It’s the big boobs and blonde hair.
Strictly dickly? Who does this bitch think she is? Sommore? Never mind that Meghan made one of the Four Horsemen jump start his ride by putting Tila Tequila and Rachel Maddow in the same sentence and never mind that the image of Meghan rubbing her nipples all over Rachel's eyeglass lenses is not what I needed today, the most tragic part of this whole thing is that picture. My 9th grade yearbook photo session had a bigger budget than this shit. They threw a white sheet over a pile of empty cardboard boxes in the corner and told Meghan to lay on it while wearing an ugly dress last worn by one of the Barker's Beauties in the late 80s. Playboy needs to stop outsourcing to the Sears Portrait Studio.
In case you forgot because your brain purged this information to make way for more important shit like the recipe for the perfect dream wedding cake, let me remind you of the foolery that went down between Sacha Baron Cohen and the Academy this week. To promote The Dictator, SBC planned to drag his poodle's ass beard onto the red carpet at the Oscars tomorrow. The producers of the Oscars shut down SBC's plans and said that he could come, but he had to dress as himself and not as his character. SBC fired a shot at the Oscars when he went on the Today Show as The Dictator and blasted their asses for banning his publicity stunt. Well, after all that shit, the producers have given into SBC's attention whoreist threats and are letting him stroll down the red carpet as The Dictator. The Dictator declared victory on his Twatter last night:
VICTORY IS OURS! Today the Mighty Nation of Wadiya triumphed over the Zionist snakes of Hollywood. Evil and all those who made Satan their protector were vanquished and driven into the Pacific Sea. What I am trying to say here is that the Academy have surrendered and sent over two tickets and a parking pass! TODAY OSCAR, TOMORROW OBAMA!
My mom said the other day that everybody should come to the Oscars dressed as their characters, because she doesn't recognize them when they're covered in fancy. That is a genius idea. Michelle Williams should come as Marilyn Monroe, Bryce Dallas Howard should come with a piece of shitty caca pie in her mouth, Glenn Close should come as the Irish Beavis, Jonah Hill should wear a fat suit and Michael Fassbender should just repeatedly come on the red carpet if you know what I mean.
But seriously, this stupid shit makes me miss the good old days when Bjork laid a swan egg on the red carpet. The Oscars should invite Bjork, so she can show all those amateur whores how a true STUNT QUEEN does it.
We're friends and I care about what happens to your ears, so I'm going to warn you that the clip above (via ONTD) has been smeared with the musical hemorrhoid pried off of the anus hole of music LMFAO. "I'm Sex And I Know It" is the mangled conjoined twin of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" who has a chronic slobber problem, was kicked out of the 6th grade for exposing itself during Show & Tell and is most likely on the National Sex Offender Registry. That song is such creepy trash. It's like the men's half-shirt of music. My advice is to exorcise your right to use the mute button. Better yet, just watch the clip above while tickling your ear drums with the only "sexy" song that matters:
So at The Lorax premiere on Sunday afternoon, the sparkliest Twinkie in the box, Zac Efron, sashayed down the orange carpet and accidentally dropped a gold condom wrapper and then clutched his anal beads by mouthing "OH MY GAW" to his publicist. Twink, please. You know Debbie Allen choreographed that whole stunt and they spent 6 weeks rehearsing it. They even took it for an out-of-town tryout. That's how staged that shit was.
Like Zac really has time to fuck. Zac's days are already filled with searching for the perfect cum gel for his luscious locks and admiring his beauty in his Revlon Hollywood Mirror. They also laid it on too thick with the gold condom. Fairy man princesses don't have Magnum-sized peens. Unless, Zac is using that condom as an anal liner, which is entirely possible.
Besides, if Zac is screwing on anybody at The Lorax premiere, it's The Lorax itself and we all know that trick is a bareback slut.
Above is a picture that is supposed to be the whoring whores of ungodly trash from Westboro Baptist Church picketing Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday. The picture was Tweeted by master whore of propaganda Margie Phelps. Below is an untouched picture from Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday without the shit stains from Westboro Photoshopped onto it.
Westboro declared that they were going to come to NJ to picket Whitney's funeral, but those cowardly whore beasts never showed up and tried to make everyone believe that pieces of shit from their "church" were there by rubbing a clean picture on Photoshop's dirty asshole. NJ.com confirms that there was restricted access in front of the church where Whitney's funeral took place and no protesters showed up. HAHAHAHA @ those stupid bitches.
This is why I try not to feed those attention whoring hyenas from hell. They always say that they're going to picket someone's funeral and they don't show up since making signs at Kinko's drained their piggy banks and they can't afford to buy a bus ticket. But this might be the first time that those stuntin' trolls faked a protest by Photoshopping themselves into a picture.
Doesn't Margie Phelp's lying ass know that above everything GOD HATES PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!
Yes, it's almost a week later and we're still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge's Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would've shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.'s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.'s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!
“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”
Translation: "I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It's such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I'm supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what."
In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.