Short answer: Kristen Stewart's pussy has always been a Ruprick Sanders-free zone.
Most of us were sitting here thinking that RPattz is back with KStew, because the head bitches at Summit Entertainment told him to get back with her for the last Twatlight publicity tour or they'd make sure the only job he'd ever be able to get is head host at a Twilight-themed family restaurant in Forks, Washington. But the truth according to Radar (which is sort of like saying the truth according to your gossiping auntie) is that KStew told RPattz that the only thing Rupert Sanders stuck in her was his tongue and that her down low vampire trap forever belongs to Edward Cullen. Some source who is totally not Kristen Stewart's publicist put it like this to Radar:
"Kristen and Rupert both told their respective partners that they didn't actually have sex. Kristen was absolutely steadfast that she only engaged in several make-out sessions with Rupert but never slept with him. Rob didn't believe her in the beginning but as time wore on he accepted her explanation. Kristen has given Rob passwords to her voicemail and e-mail account to prove she has nothing to hide and will do anything to get his trust back."
Now I'm totally convinced this was nothing but a choreographed stunt. Who in the hell sneaks around just to make out with a dude? Like I'd really go on some covert operation just to suck on a tongue? Making out with a human is almost like licking on strips of raw bacon, so if I wanted to get into that I'd just pull a pack of Oscar Mayer out of the fridge. This dumb fuck didn't even get some peen. If I was RPattz, I'd dump her dim ass for betraying me for some stupid tongue. If you're going to fuck me over at least fuck me over by getting fucked over if you know what I mean.
But don't listen to me. Because when one of my past boyfriends told me he cheated on my ass, my only questions were, "Okay, but how big was the peen and do you have pictures?"
Here's KStew going to a restaurant in Paris called La Fidelite ("Faithful" in English). She makes it so easy.
When Madge isn't trying to get YouTube views with a slip of her seasoned nip, she's trying to get them with her words. You'd think that since Madge spends most her day homeschooling her two children, Rocco and Baby Brahim, she'd stop being a teacher at night, but she kept on, kept on at her show in DC yesterday. Mrs. Madge gave the audience an American history lesson when she spewed out some stuff about Abraham Lincoln you can read in an Encyclopedia Britannica, and then she went on about how amazing it is that we have a "black Muslim in the White House" who's for gay rights.
Maybe Madge is mocking the hos who really think Obama is Muslim, but the hos who really think Obama is Muslim don't have sarcasm detectors built-in, so they probably took this as fact and are now worshiping at her hooves. I mean, if Madge's goal was to make Victoria Jackson bust one for the first time in years, she succeeded.
To make matters worse, Gawker says that later in the show she took off her jacket to show the name OBAMA written on her back. Madge promised to take it all off if he's re-elected. YOU'RE NOT HELPING, BITCH. Yeah, so expect Obama to drop out of the presidential race in 3...2..
Carmen Electra can pop out her titty balls all she wants, but they'll never come close to being as naturally plum or as luscious as the extra large man dumpling that decorate Simon Cowell's chest. Does Ryan Seacrest come over every afternoon to gently brush the cashmere soft hairs on her nipple-topped chest pies? I think not. Anyway, before Carmen and Simon had a tit-off for the paps in front of Cecconi's restaurant in West Hollywood, InTouch says they were making everyone inside scream for the check by touching tongues.
Carmen was a guest judge on Britain's Got Talent earlier this year, but she was wearing an engagement ring from Rob Patterson at the time. But now that she's single, she's craving the urge to watch Simon's empanada chichis bounce up and down while he hits it from the front. Someone who witnessed Simon and Carmen get gross with each other said that "at one point, they were talking real close, and he leaned in and kissed her. They started making out!”
Carmen usually gets with the kind of dude who thinks he's bad shit, is covered in tattoos and is so hard he probably wears a clip-on ring on his foreskin, so maybe she's finally grown up and realized that it's best to get with a man whose toilet looks like Scrooge McDuck's vault, because he shits gold coins!!!! And it's also best to get with a man who you can share bras with.
But really, Carmen really does look like she's found true love....with the cameras. Homegirl can't take her eyes off the lens.
Kanye West's debut sex tape isn't even out yet and a sequel is already up for sale too. Kanye's team of lawyers sent out cease and desist letters to several websites, threatening to sue them for every last dollar they get from Google Adsense if they even think about posing a clip of Gay Fish flopping on punane. Kanye pretty much confirmed that it's him in the sex tapes and also confirmed that Pimp Mama Kris taught him to threaten to a bitch so it looks like he didn't leak the tapes himself even though he totally did.
TMZ says that the first tape (which may or may not co-star Kim Kardashian look-alike Mony Monn) is 20 minutes long and the second tape is even longer. The second tape co-stars a different trick than the first tape and Kanye uses his fishstick dick to hump on her for almost 40 minutes. Kanye doesn't want any outside eyes to see his taco meat-covered ass bounce up and down, and he claims somebody stole the tapes from his computer. So yeah, either Pimp Mama Kris has already trained little Mason Disick how to crawl into hotel rooms to steal files off a computer ("You have to earn the diapers on your ass somehow, kid" - PMK to Mason) or this shit is just another stunt.
Kanye taking 40 minutes to bust out an orgasm makes sense. When Kanye's hitting it from the back and looks down and realizes he's putting it in a lady vagina instead of a boy butt, he gets soft and has to start all over again. FRUSTRATING! Kanye sometimes tapes a picture of himself to his trick's back, so he can try to cum while staring at the thing he loves most, but have you ever tried to jizz while looking at a picture of Kanye West? It's impossible. I'm sure the trick he was boning on didn't mind. While lying there she finished her taxes, she cut her cuticles and finally made it to the next level on Angry Birds. A ho gets so much done when Kanye's on top of her.
Amanda Bynes is doing "amazing" and if you're wondering what your definition of "amazing" is, just press play on that mess of a video above and you'll have it. Amanda not only got those talon ass nails attached to the tips of her fingers, because sometimes she likes to fly over lakes and catch fish. Amanda also got them, because when she's not having a beauty moment and a pap gets a picture of her face, she shanks out their blood with her nails. It's the Freddy Krueger way of saying, "Excuse my beauty."
Entertainment Tonight has this strange as John Travolta licking a clit video of Amanda and a paparazzo fighting back and forth while he tried to get pictures of her. Amanda started posing, but then she suddenly crashed into him like she was a BMW and he was any car on the road, because she has to always look beautiful (too easy) at all times and wanted him to delete a bunch of pictures. They go at it for a while until it ends with Amanda allegedly stabbing him with her razors nails and him screaming at her to let him go while she's standing practically 10 blocks away.
I know I've said it before, but I kept waiting for Casey Affleck to yell "CUT" before a taco truck pulled up for a lunch break between shooting scenes. The only thing missing is a Universal Studios tour bus full of tourists, because this mess looks so staged that I'm assuming it was shot on a backlot. When are we going to get to the scene where "Amanda" pulls off her "Amanda Bynes" rubber mask and it's Andy Kaufman underneath who screams, "I'm alive and I got you this time!"
No, that isn't another picture of the immaculate restoration of Ecce Homo. It's icky homo and gay fish Kanye Kardashian (née West) adjusting the video camera so it gets a clear shot of his taco meat-covered mopey titties in action as he breaks a trick like her coochie's a MacBook Air. Since Kanye's heffa ass ho Kim Kartrashian has a sex tape, he made his own so they both have touching memories to share with their future children on family home video night. Radar says they've seen a 20 minute-long video of Kanye pounding into some 18-year-old piece like she's an ALL-CAPS keyboard.
Radar calls Kanye's fuck tape co-star a married Kim Kardashian look-alike who says on camera that she's 18 and she's there because her husband doesn't wet hump her anymore. (No, bitch, you're there because you answered Kanye's Craigslist ad and you messed up your lines. You were supposed to say, "I'm here, because Kanye West is God wrapped in Jesus wrapped in all the apostles and I am surrendering my humble body in the name of everything that is holy and everything that is holy is Kanye. Hash tag YOLO! Hash tag KanyeWestSexTape2012BuyIt!")
Radar also says that Kanye's peen is covered in a rubber the entire time and he doesn't ever kiss his trick on the lips, because he didn't want to smear his Balenciaga lip gloss. ("But Michael, they don't sell Balenciaga lip gloss in stores." - you "Exactly." - me) Some porn industry insider says that the tape was shot right before he started dating Kim and that he broke down in tears (of fame whore joy) when he found out the tape was being shopped around. The porn industry insider went on to say this:
"The sex tape is being shopped right now and there's a lot of interest, but Kanye is freaking out! He doesn't want this tape out and will do anything to make sure it stays private. If this were to hit the market it would be worth a fortune… there would definitely be a lot of people wanting to see this! In my expert opinion Kanye's performance far outweighs Kim's!"
In MY expert opinion, a comatose wart hog's performance far outweighs Kim's.
Please, this staged sex tape mess is just another production from Pimp Mama Kris. If you want to be fully accepted by the Kardashian family, the world has to see your bare ass bouncing in the air on a sex tape. It's not a sex tape, it's an initiation ceremony.
And if you want to see a Kanye sex tape, just watch any one of his music videos. It's nothing but him finger banging his ego raw over and over again.
And here's Kim infecting Melbourne yesterday.
While wearing a coat made of the carcasses of Benji's slaughtered relatives, Liberty Ross left London's Serpentine Gallery last night with a dude who isn't her cheating skank husband Rupert Sanders and she held hands with the dude, so this obviously means that she's scrubbing away Kristen Stewart's saliva (that was transferred to her chocha by Rupert's tongue) on a shrub of curly British pubes. Obviously.
I know, Liberty Ross should be under her bed sheets, wallowing in the shame of her husband passing his nomad tongue to a slow trick with the sex appeal of uncooked peen dough, but she took the advice of important poet Kandi Burruss and is flying above all the drama. Besides, the best way to reheat a cold heart that froze from your husband cheating on you is to put it in front of the warm flashes shooting off of the paparazzi's cameras.
And I know these pictures of Liberty Ross (Side note: The first time I read the name "Liberty Ross," I Googled to see if there's a Ross Dress For Less in a town called Liberty, because I know what's important.) are heart-stoppingly exciting on their own, but I threw in pictures of everyone's favorite British drunk Kate Moss. Kate Moss is saving the economy, one vodka shot at a time.
Because the Fall of Robsten conspiracies are the new 9/11 conspiracies, Jenni Maier at Mashable burped up this hilariously ridiculous video as proof that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross all manufactured the escandalosoness to bump up their careers. Nobody knew who Liberty Ross was before her husband munched on KStew's box in a Mini Cooper, but now she's suddenly walking the Alexander Wang show at NYFW. Nobody really knew who Rupert Sanders was and now everybody including my mom (who barely knows my first name and sometimes calls me by her cat's name on accident) knows his name. Both RPattz and KStew had non-Twilight movies to promote, so it all makes sense! Well, it makes sense after you smoke a couple of bowls and freebase the Twihard juice. You don't want to know what Twihard juice is. It's not so much juice as it is cream. I'll stop.
Jenni at Mashable asked the second thing I asked after watching this video. The first thing I asked myself was, "Why am I watching this video? Wouldn't straightening then crimping my pubes be a better use of my time?" The second thing I asked myself was, "If they were all in it together, why would they need to doctor the pictures? Couldn't KStew just pose in them herself?" Jenni straightened her tin foil visor and answered that question poking at my brain:
According to this video, Rupert Sanders helped stage these photos with the help of an anonymous women. Clever editing shows that the notorious photos featured in Us Weekly don’t match up to photos of the real location. There are all kinds of scale issues with Rupert Sanders and Kristen Stewart’s height — and it’s easy to get caught up in what this video’s trying to imply.
But what doesn’t make sense to me is why would they fake the photos? That seems like an incredibly immense undertaking that would bring this conspiracy to a whole new level. Not only does it mean Rupert Sanders (and his anonymous henchmen) framed Kristen Stewart, but also that they had a reason to do so.
Not to mention that Kristen Stewart apologized for these photos within 24 hours of the news breaking – and hours before the issue of Us Weekly even hit newstands. So why would she apologize for something so devastating that she hadn’t done so quickly. Wouldn’t this be the kind of issue that would cause marketing teams to come up with an elaborate PR strategy to deflect negative attention from Kristen? A strategy that would probably take an entire day (at the very least) to create.
Commenters allude to the fact that blackmail could be involved and that could be the reason she apologized so quickly.
BLACKMAIL?! Any conspiracy theory that involves BLACKMAIL is my kind of conspiracy theory. That's some Alexis Carrington shit right there. But in order to believe any of these conspiracy theories, we also have to believe that Kristen Stewart isn't six layers of boring who is only capable of drooling on herself, biting at her lip, blinking and making mouth love to a fully loaded bong. Once I see a detailed video disproving that theory, I'll consider believing the other theories.
For now, the only thing this video proves is that when you mix together a Twihard, the music of Jet, Google Street View and an all-night meth binge, fucked up things happen.
Ever since Taylor Swift's Sweet Valley High episode of a song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" came out, every ho with only time on their hands (see: bloggers, the media, bloggers, office workers, bloggers and the unemployed on a break from watching People's Court reruns) has been wondering WHO IS IT ABOUT?!!! Joe Jonas already said, "Gurrrrl, it ain't me" and based on the title alone, most of us figured it was about post-pubescence. But UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) says they know who it is and they say Jake Gyllenhaal was the inspiration for that mess.
A source tells UsWeekly that the song is one hundred percent about Jake and she even used a Jake look-alike (who looks like Jake about as much as the pimple on my belly button looks like Jake, see: video below) in her video. Taylor told Nightline (via HuffPo) that she decided to write the song after her ex-boyfriend's friend came into the studio and heard that she was getting back together with his ass. Taylor said, "When he leaves, Max and Johan are like, ‘So what’s the story behind that?’ And so I start telling them the story of break up, get back together, break up, get back together, just, ugh, the worst."
The Jakey guess makes the most sense. I can totally picture Jake and Taylor sitting at opposite sides of a long conference table with their team of lawyers in a fancy law office in Century City, CA, going back and forth about the details of their relationship contract. "I'll give you 2 staged kissing photo-ops a month, but NO TONGUE and you can't write a song about me" is probably what Jake shouted at Taylor before she stood up and screamed the words that would go on to become the title of her #1 single! That's totally how it went.
And here's Taylor showing all of us that she's America's answer to Avril Lavigne, which means that she'll eventually make the bald eagle hang himself by marrying America's answer to Chad Kroeger: Scott Stapp.
Listening to that song again makes me feel like I just played the worst game of Girl Talk Date Line that has ever been played and lost.
Some bitches are freaking out of their lace fronts over a freestyle verse that the Trinidadian American gremlin spat out on Lil Wayne's Dedication 4 mixtape. As Mitt Romney shines his side burns with silver polish today, he might be smiling something extra over getting the Fraggle vote and we have this lyric from Nicki Minaj to thank for that:
"I'm a Republican voting for Mitt Romney/You lazy bitches is fucking up the economy."
We should all take that lyric seriously, because starships are meant to fly, Nicki actually chills with actual Floridan zombies in Miami and everything that drops off of her tongue is as real as the hardened Fix-A-Flat foam in her ass. But seriously, Nicki is the Sybil of rappers. Bitch has a million personas and every time I listen to one of her songs, I cringe the same way I cringed when Sally Field got a hot water douching from her satanic mother. This is probably just one of STUNT QUEEN Nicki's stupid ass personas talking again.
And I think we're all missing the bigger dose of fuckery here. Did this bitch just try to rhyme Romney with economy?
via Daily Intel