Stunt Queens

The extremely private "sex tape" that Teen Mom Farrah made with help from a professional porn star, a professional porn crew, a professional porn director, three fluffers, a butt waxer, an anal bleach artist (it is an art!) and a few enemas is coming to your favorite torrent site any day now. Farrah, who's probably the only dumb shit who is dumb enough to believe that her sex tape isn't a planned porno, is now hundreds of thousands of dollars richer, because Vivid bought her porn debut for high six figures. High school guidance counselors can now tell students that college is overrated. Why waste your time in college when you can get famous by popping a kid out of your cooch and get rich by popping a peen in your ass on camera. It's really a foolproof plan since the world's biggest fool, Farrah, managed to pull it off.

TMZ says that other porn companies put offers on the table, but Teen Mom Farrah eventually went with Vivid and I'm guessing she went with Vivid, because her team of consultants and master negotiators (aka her dad and daughter) told her to. Vivid paid close to a million dollars for the 70-minute-long porn that also stars James Deen and they're calling it "Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom."

Farrah is going to be broke again in about five seconds, because she's going to spend all that money on plastic surgery, booze, funding her career in musical terrorism and bikinis. But when her checking account gets as empty as her head, she can sell that picture above to Summer's Eve, because if that isn't a douche ad I don't know what is. Summer's Eve can use that picture to sell their new line of butt douches. Don't want no poop noodle!

And yes, it terrifies me that Farrah looks a little Cheryl Burke-ish in the face in that picture.

The time has possibly come for me to slide over to the side of the room that thinks Amanda Bynes has been trolling us all and the fuckery she's been bringing is all part of an elaborate performance art piece co-produced by MoMA or some shit. Amanda followed up her nightmare-inducing primp video with a Tuesday afternoon stroll through NYC with her rent-a-friend. Even if I got high on whatever Amanda Bynes is getting high on, I couldn't make this mess up.

The paparazzi say that the blonde girl in the green jacket waited for Amanda in front of her apartment building and then the two fake laughed, fake talked and fake bonded the way all fake friends do. The two did this for a while before they walked to an ATM and Amanda took out some cash which she then gave to her rent-a-friend. The rent-a-friend then went on her way to her next rent-a-friend gig.

I don't even fucking know....

At first I thought blondie was Amanda's dealer, but what kind of dealer walks around with you in front of the paps? But then again, what kind of rent-a-friend doesn't ask for the money upfront, especially a professional friend who is dealing with Amanda Bynes? Amanda really needs to get her money back and leave a bad Yelp review, because that rent-a-friend did not do her job. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends do themselves up like a white trash Nicki Minaj. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends hire rent-a-friends to put on a show in front of the paps. Rent-a-friends don't let client friends paint a pair of lazy, busted down chola brows onto their face. And finally, rent-a-friends don't let client friends do crazy shit like this.

I need to hire a rent-a-friend to tell me what to think of this shit.

As Will Ferrell accepted his Comedic Genius Golden Popcorn Award at last night's MTV Movie Awards, Aubrey Plaza from Parks & Recreation pulled a lukewarm Kanye West when she crashed the stage and awkwardly tried to snatch away Will's golden dingle trophy. Will didn't give it up, so she went back to her seat, sat down and dropped her plastic cup of the sweet nectar on the floor. The only good thing to come out of this totally staged stunt is the "Why the fuck did I agree to this stupid shit, I could be at home watching myself on TV" side-eye that Peter Dinklage threw.

MTV News says that Aubrey's awkward stage crash wasn't planned and the producers of the show asked her to leave right afterward. Will co-signed MTV News' statement backstage and said that he really had no idea what was going on.

"I think she wanted to tell me something important, but there was no message. It was just a lot of hot liquor breath. And, then, and a little bit of sweat. And then she ran away. But the ship sailed on."

MTV needs to pull all of our dicks harder, because there's no way that mess wasn't completely choreographed from beginning to end. First of all, they put Aubrey Plaza in the front row. Second of all, she wrote the name of her new movie on her chest. Third of all, everyone is saying that Aubrey Plaza looked ten sheets to the wind, but ho didn't look drunk to me. She looked like she was faking the drunkness. A true drunk bitch would never spill the sweet nectar like that. A true drunk bitch holds onto their cup of the sweet nectar for dear life.

Even though this shit was a sad excuse for a publicity stunt, it worked!

But then again, maybe MTV was telling the truth when they said this wasn't rehearsed. Because I don't think any part of that shitty awards show was rehearsed.

Brandy's little brother yanked at Kanye West's Givenchy butt plug today by tweeting the cover of his new single (yeah, he still makes those) "I Hit That First." In case Kanye didn't know, Ray-J is letting him know that his neck pillow dick hit Kim's sugar walls first. Somebody somehow figured out that the cover of Ray-J's single is a pixelated version of this picture.

I don't know whether let out a million laughs or quench Ray J's thirst by giving him a plastic trash can full of Pedialyte. I'm surprised Ray J didn't take the fuckery all the way by using a current day picture of Kim and calling his single "I Hit It When There Were Less Pixels." Kanye is way too busy shopping for leather kilts and getting his b-hole lips gilded to even throw a side-eye at this mess.

And I was going to say that Pimp Mama Kris is probably going to shake Ray J down for a cut of the profits, but what profits?

Kim Kartrashian made a "dying trout gasping for water" face while faking an orgasm in her sex tape with Ray J and it made her a STAR!, so she's trying to stretch her relevancy by making the same face on the cover of a French magazine. L'Officiel Hommes got Kim and Kanye Kardashian to rub their naked bodies together for a cover that will make many people say to themselves, "Well, I guess this is going to be one of those non-stop barfing days."

You'd think that Kim would be a master at making manufactured sex faces since she got famous for getting on Ray J's boomerang dick in front of a camera, but she isn't. The hell is that face she's making on that cover? She looks like she's trying to sneeze. The sneeze is right there, but she can't push it out, so she's closing her eyes and focusing. Achoo, bitch, achoo! It also looks like Kim choked on a churro and Kanye is trying to give her the Heimlich Maneuver, but he's not really sure how to do it. What I'm saying is that this looks like anything but sex.

Besides, Kanye and Kim don't fuck. I refuse to believe that. Kanye's idea of a good time is dressing Kim up in messed up fashions and taking Polaroids of her so that he can jack off to those Polaroids in the corner while praising himself as a true style genius.

And add this cover to the long list of things that confirm that any bit of sanity Kanye had left in his being is gone. Kanye threw hate at Jay-Z, busted into a screeching hissy fit in London and now this mess? Kanye was also insane, but pour a little Kartrashian on his last bit of sanity and BOOM!

John Galliano was convicted of anti-semitism in France two years ago after he was caught on video declaring his love for Hitler and telling a group of women that they would be gassed today if Hitler was still around. Dior fired him and the only jobs in fashion he could get involved designing the uniforms for Jesse James' bike shop and cutting dick holes into the Nazi uniforms that Mel Gibson likes to wear while getting a pre-jacuzzi blow job. Bitch fell hard. But then Oscar de la Renta hired Galliano to help design his latest collection. Oscar de la Renta showed his new collection at New York Fashion Week yesterday and Galliano was spotted dressed like this while making his way to the show.

Some people think that Galliano was at it again. The New York Post put this picture on their cover with the word SHMUCK and accused his evil ass of mocking Hasidic Jews. But Abraham Foxman of the Anti-Defamation League tells the Observer that the Post is being ridiculous as shit, because he thinks Galliano is dressed nothing like a Hasidic Jew.

"The New York Post story is a ridiculous, absurd distortion. There is no truth to their accusation that John Galliano was dressed in Hasidic garb, and anyone familiar with the dress of traditional Orthodox Jews should not mistake what Galliano is wearing in the photograph as ‘Hasidic garb.'

This is John Galliano being John Galliano. His dress is always eccentric and his hair is always worn long. This is, at the very least, ignorance on the part of the reporters and editors at the Post, or, at worst, a deliberate, malicious distortion in an effort to sell newspapers. For the past year and a half, Mr. Galliano has been on a pilgrimage to learn from and grow from his mistakes. Now people are trying to distort and destroy him. He has spent hours with me and with others in the European Jewish community, including rabbis and Holocaust scholars, in an effort to better understand himself and to learn from his past mistakes. He is trying very hard to atone.”

On one hand, Galliano is a board certified STUNT QUEEN cunt so I wouldn't put it past him. On the other hand, besides the hair icicle curls falling down his face and the black coat, this look doesn't completely scream out Hasidic Jewish person to me. If anything, he looks like Charlie Chaplin as a Hassidic Jew. Wait, didn't Hitler HATE Charlie Chaplin? The plot thins!

And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...

Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!

@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around

These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!

And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.

Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.

At The Daily Mail, they have a picture of a malnourished Chris Brown making his way to court and I know this post should be about how he obviously beat up a low-level insurance agent from the 1970s to get that wrinkly suit, but I'm too busy shaking my head at RiRi walking behind him with a look in her eye that says, "Get my good side, bitch."

Chris Brown and his lawyer Mark Geragos were in a Los Angeles court room today to answer to the D.A.'s accusation that he faked most of his community service hours and should have his probation revoked. Not much happened in court today, the judge said he needed to look over the prosecutor's evidence, told Chris Brown to meet with his probation officer within the next two days and then a hearing date was set for early April. But RiRi's ass showed up with Chris Brown and put on a show in the court room...

Hollywood Life says they walked into the court room together and when RiRi sat with his mom, she blew him a kiss. Then after the hearing was over, they walked out of the court room arm-in-arm and she looked like she was trying to cheer him up. Chris Brown is on probation for beating RiRi's face and there she was blowing him kisses of love.

RiRi and Chris Brown really are going all out with the stunts this time. I'm surprised they didn't show up to court with their wedding clothes on and asked the judge to marry them since he's changed, they're in love and the judge is a judge. If you're going to pull a STUNT QUEEN move, really pull a STUNT QUEEN move.

And after court, Chris Brown's lawyer held a press conference where he said that the D.A. is "torturing" The Difficult Brown and he wants the judge to hold them all in contempt for spreading lies by saying that Chris made up his community service hours.

I don't even know what to say to that mess, but I will say that I can't believe it took me this long to ask: What in scalped horse hell is that on RiRi's head?

Only on the desperate streets of L.A. can a love between a Ron Perlman-looking ass fame whore and a bloated bag of bad decisions bloom from the sidewalk cracks in front of a Beverly Hills restaurant. Adrienne Maloof of The Really Plastic Faces of Beverly Hills ended her marriage to Magilla Gorilla's midget brother about six months ago and she's already bought gotten herself a new piece of ass.

In front of Crustacean in Beverly Hills last night, Adrienne and Rod Stewart's son Sean Stewart made cameras barf by giving the paps a cuddle and kiss show. Adrienne's mug looks like that of a mauled cougar, so she's finally living up to her face by getting with a dude who's 19 years younger than her. You can tell by Sean's body language that he's really into her. He looks like he's recoiling hard on the inside. It's like he's got the vomits and diarrhea at the same time and isn't sure which end is going to shoot the shit first. That is a sign of real love.

And isn't Sean supposedly sober now? Well, there goes his sobriety, because nothing will make you want to smoke crack out of a dirty pipe like waking up to Adrienne Maloof's shellacked face.

Starting next week, American Idol is trying it again and we'll all get to see the scripted drama between Mimi and Nicki Minaj play out as Ryan Gaycrest cries over what he's become into a custom-made silicone mold of Simon Cowell's tits. To promote the #1 scripted telenovela on network TV, Mimi did an interview with her VERY good friend (so says Babawaawaawwa a million times over) Barbara Walters and of course the subject of her bitch brawl with the Fraggle Rock refugee came up. Skip to the 3 minute mark to see these freshly polished diamonds provided by Mimi and Barbara:

1. Barbara saying "I'm quick to check a bitch if she is out of line" when talking about a song Nicki Minaj did about American Idol. That line is totally going to be the title for Barbara Walter's upcoming tell-all about what it's like working with Elisabeth Hasselcrack.

2. When Barbara asks Mimi if she's the bitch Nicki is singing about, the not-so-cowardly lioness gently yanks a bitch's wig by responding with, "I didn't know she sang. I thought she rapped, or whatever." YAASSS! That is Mimi's second greatest act of sheer bitchery behind her classic "Que Es A JLo?" moment.

3. Mimi calling American Idol a "classic, classy show." Mimi is spot-on with that description, but AI's title as the classiest show on television is all thanks to Rhonetta.

You know what's REALLY classic? This shade throwing moment from Mimi. Add it to the pile.

(Thanks, Kevin)