Dumbasses

The world's most famous singing beaver fetus Justin Bieber was pulled over today in L.A. by the CHP for going at least 80 mph on the 101 freeway at Vineland. In Bieber's defense, he hasn't learned his numbers yet, so it's not completely his fault.

LAPD motor officer turned L.A. City Councilman Dennis Zine tells TMZ that he's the one who ratted on The Lesbeaver by calling 911, because the yodeling beaver was "driving like a maniac" and "weaving in and out of traffic." Dennis also said that Bieber used the shoulder to pass cars. Dennis Zine thinks The Lesbeaver was going closer to 100 mph than 80 mph and if it was up to him, he'd throw Bieber into toddler jail for reckless driving. Bieber's rep barfed up a shitty excuse by saying that he was speeding because he was trying to get away from the paparazzi.

Hmmmm.... Well, maybe the paparazzi wouldn't be able to find Bieber if his fancy car wasn't painted in the completely inconspicuous shade of LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. Dumb ass Bieber should only be allowed to drive a Big Wheels in his backyard. That's it.

The officer gave Bieber a speeding ticket and let him drive away. To which Lindsay Lohan replied, "A ticket? HA! They do that?"

You know who should also get a ticket? Selena Gomez's ass. TMZ didn't say if Selena was in the car or not, but you know she was. I mean, Selena was obviously the one working the pedals since Bieber can't reach.

Oh hell, we're all fucked, because it turns out Kris Humphries' IQ doesn't match his sperm count and he probably put a baby in the trick he started wet humping on right after Pimp Mama Kris sped up the ending to his scripted marriage to her prized pig Kim Kardashian. Myla Sinanaj, the one on the right who looks like a Bad Girls Club reject who got caught in the middle of a Wet N Wild factory explosion, claims that she's got a 3-month-old fetus up in her womb and she already loves that unborn baby so much that she sold the news to TMZ before telling Kris Humphries. I would declare this as a victory for gold diggers, but it's unethical to take advantage of a dim oaf of a douche who probably believed Myla when she told him that the only way he can make a baby is if he cums in a stork.

If this is true, then it could completely screw up Kris' divorce settlement, because he's trying to say that he was so sad on the inside after he found out Kim only used his innocent heart for a stunt and he was too busy crying every time he peed (you know, because it reminded him of Kim) to move on quickly to another trick. Kris has been trying to shut Myla up, because she's out there spilling all kinds of shit about their relationship including talking about the time he told her that Pimp Mama Kris directed Kim's fuck tape with Ray-J.

A source tells TMZ that Myla is so hurt about how Kris has treated her that she plans to have the baby and raise it on her own. That's what she thinks....

Myla probably thinks that she'll have the baby, hit Kris up for some child support and will live the gold digger dream by not having to work for the next 18 years. That's not going to happen. Kris doesn't even remember which letter comes after "c" in the alphabet, so I doubt he remembers that when he sold his soul to the Kuntrashians he also promised to give him his first born. So ten seconds after Myla delivers her baby via c-section (duh), Pimp Mama Kris will show herself in a cloud of bronzer dust and collect that kid before slithering out the window. Then PMK will dip that baby in glue, roll it in Sasquatch fur and give it to Khloe Kardashian who will claim it as her own and pose with it on the cover of Life & Style. The Kuntrashians will turn Myla's money baby into their money baby. It's like that.

No, this is not another post about Pet Monster.

Snooki still has a pickleling growing in her vodka chamber called a womb and she's still wearing sky high death shoes (okay, I know those platforms are like 4 inches tall, but that's half of Snooki's total heigh, so they're totally sky high to her).

While looking like a mutant pineapple, Snooki strolled through Seaside Heights, NJ the other day and nearly smashed her unborn baby when she tripped on her own stupidity and went down. Dumb bitch. I know Snooki is used to being on her knees with her mouth open in public, but wait until your poor baby is born first, bitch! Damn. That poor child is going to be raised by two Gorilla dingles, will have to wear Affliction onesies, will have to sleep in a tanning bed cradle, will probably be born with cirrhosis of the liver and now he has to worry about getting a concussion?

Snooki ALWAYS needs to have a seat, but this time she really needs to have a seat.

Willy Wonka is not going to be happy that one of his Oompa Loompa took his favorite pair of glasses without asking. Drop that trick in the bad egg trap door!

If La Leche League cared about the shitastic ramblings of a pickle-brained midget sasquatch, I'd tell Snooki that she was in danger, girl. I doubt they do, so she can keep barfing at the mouth about breastfeeding all she wants. But before we get to that mess, Snooki told Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) she's naming the unborn guidoling in her womb Lorenzo (Enzo for short) and that she's taking her whole pregnancy really seriously. Snooki isn't even drinking wine, because she says she'll "be that person that has a glass of wine and [the] baby comes out with three legs." Well, Enzo probably wouldn't mind that since he'd have an extra leg to kick himself in the head with once he realizes that he's completely fucked and his parents have the parental skills of a jar of rancid pickle juice.

And about that breastfeeding shit, don't expect Snooki to follow in the nipple squirts of Dr. Blossom....

"I'm just scared. My friend did and she said it was so painful…but I definitely want to pump because it's the best nutrients for the baby. It's kind of like you're a cow and you're just milking."

I've never milked a cow, but I'm guessing it's nothing like pumping Snooki's titty leche. I'm sure that while you're milking the cow, it doesn't queef in your face and beg you to massage its fupa with pizza grease.

Besides, if Snooki wanted to breastfeed, it's not like Enzo would ever get a chance to suckle on Snooki's tete anyway. Snooki's filled with so much vodka that her mammary glands are going to make nothing but White Russians. The entire Jersey Shore cast is going to line up to put their mouth under that nipple knob. Open bar titties!

Before we get into this mess, let me remind you what John Mayer said about Jennifer Aniston in 2010:

"There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'..."

And Jessica Simpson:

"That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm..."

And how his body lotion jingle of a song "Your Body is a [size 2, vajazzled] Wonderland" is supposedly about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

So now, John Mayer has painful sores on his ass lips that secrete sad tears, because Taylor Swift kicked him hard in the b-hole with her song "Dear John" (not to be confused with the far more superior "Dear John" song). The song is supposedly about how John Mayer's David Duke dick dipped into Taylor's precious 19-year-old cherry orchard for a second and quickly dropped her to move on to the next scratch mark in his wooden bed post. John tells Rolling Stone that it was cheap songwriting on Taylor's part and she never even e-mailed him to tell him the song existed. It's raining WAH WAH WAH tears on this Summer's eve:

On how he never even hurt Taylor's dewicate feewings: "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it. I'm pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do."

On how the real-life Anne of Green Gables got used douche water on her the tip of her pink cowboy boot by kicking him at his lowest: "I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call. I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?"

On what he thinks Taylor meant by the line "Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?": "I don't want to go into that."

On how Taylor turning her burn book into songs is a cheap move: "I will say as a songwriter that I think it's kind of cheap songwriting. I know she's the biggest thing in the world, and I'm not trying to sink anybody's ship, but I think it's abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, 'Wait till he gets a load of this!' That's bullshit."

John Mayer is a dumb bitch for not knowing that when you mess with Taylor Swift, she's going to write all about you in yumberry-scented ink on purple pastel paper and eventually turn that journal entry into a hit song that drunk high school girls will sing to on Karaoke Revolution for years to come. Taylor Swift is a dumb bitch for writing a song about dumb bitch John Mayer and not knowing that he's the president and founder of the Hit It And Quit It Club. John Mayer is the Peter Pan of douchebags and Taylor Swift is the Peter Pan of songwriters. They both need to grow up. And yes, I typed "they both need to grow up" right before I farted in my palm to smell it.

You'd think that since Justin Bieber is a communion wafer with hair who can walk on water, he'd be able to walk through glass too. But that shit ain't so. The Lesbeaver isn't the Canadian Jesus, but he might be a vampire fetus who can't see his own reflection in anything, because glass once again made him its bitch in Paris yesterday. I know, I totally should've made "glass" Hot Slut of the Day.

Bieber called into TMZ yesterday after his head kissed a glass wall backstage during a show at the top of one of the tallest buildings in Paris. The Lesbeaver said that he hit his golden globe of tween dreams so hard that he suffered a slight concussion. Even though tiny, sparkly Bieber heads (that's what the Bieb sees instead of stars, obviously) spun around him, he still went back out on stage and finished the show. But after the show, he stumbled back to his dressing room and passed out for 15 seconds. Yeah, that is why it felt like there was TOO much oxygen in the air for 15 seconds yesterday. Because every Belieber sensed that their God was out and held their breath until he woke up. They got the senses like that.

A doctor from the Cabbage Patch Medical Center was airlifted in to check on Bieber. The doctor cleared Bieber and the world continued to spin.

This isn't the first time and it's not even the second time Bieber lost a battle against his greatest enemy, glass. Let's relive the beautiful memories.

and:

And every bird is like, "That dumb bitch!'

If the producers of Lifetime's Liz & Dick cast an orange parking cone in a brown wig to play Richard Burton opposite Lindsay Lohan's Elizabeth Taylor, that bitch should shut her lips and nod, because she should be lucky that someone is giving her a chance to prove that she's not a chronic professional fuck up and is about as pleasant as getting finger fucked by an eagle. But Lindsay Lohan wouldn't be Lindsay Lohan if she didn't induce a dozen eye rolls with her self-entitled antics, so of course she's already a freckled thorn in the producers' ass lips.

A source tells Radar that the producers of that basic cable foolery put Matthew Settle of Gossip Girl, Sean Maguire of Meet the Spartans and Craig Robert Young on the short list for the role of Richard Burton, but LiLo waved all of them away. The fact that this is a movie for FUCKING LIFETIME hasn't penetrated through the fart bubble of delusion that LiLo lives in and so she thinks an A-lister should star opposite her, so says the source:

"Lindsay is being an absolute nightmare about who should play Burton. She believes Matthew Settle is too old to play the role, and she wants a major A-list star to be her co-star. However, her salary for the role took up a major portion of the budget, and the Burton gig will likely only pay $200k, max. The producers don't need to get Lindsay's approval of who will play Richard Burton, but they want to keep her happy.

They are already in pre-production and it's very hard to conduct any rehearsals without the pivotal role of Richard Burton. There is also cause for concern because Lindsay partied all night last week with Paris Hilton, Barron Hilton and Brandon Davis. All three, including Lindsay, have been arrested for DUI and/or drug charges previously. Lindsay shouldn't be out partying all night long, no good can come of that."

LiLo wants to fly to London to handpick her own Richard Burton, but the producers aren't going to fund that trip.

None of these dudes give me Richard Burton vibes, but this movie is just a whoring for ratings project camouflaged as an Elizabeth Taylor biopic so it doesn't matter who plays him. I wouldn't be surprised if LiLo ended up playing Liz AND Dick so she can collect two checks. I also wouldn't be surprised if White Oprah is trying to get the producers to cast The Curious Case of Ali Lohan as Richard Burton so she can collect two commissions. "It doesn't count as incest if it's done in front of the cameras.... for a check..... and if the producers give their pimp a lifetime supply of Svedka as a finders fee." - White Oprah's life motto

But seriously, since Liz & Dick is already a mess, the producers should get totally messy by casting Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty, seen below looking hot at Cannes, as Richard Burton. Dreamboat is absolutely perfect for the simple fact that he wouldn't flinch if LiLo sneezed up a coke booger on his face during the kissing scenes.

Since Jay-Z has said that he's all for me marrying an Anderson Cooper look-alike (I'm not picky), all kinds of hos are coming out for gay marriage including 50 Cent's ass. Most of us care about 50 Cent's thoughts on gay marriage as much as we care about Kim Kardashian's thoughts on ANYTHING, but let's hear what 50 told Vibe Magazine (via Pink News). As down low queens giggled in the darkness, 50 gave his 2 cents (so should we call him 48 Cent now?):

“I think everyone should be happy. I think a fool is going to go against same sex marriage at this point. Look how long it took him [Obama] to say he was for same sex marriages. You understand? I’m up for it. If everyone else is for it, then hey, to each his own. I don’t have personal feelings towards it because I’m not involved in that lifestyle. I want people to be happy. It makes for everything to be better.”

The "jumping the bandwagon" comment aside, this is actually a sort of nice comment coming from a pumped asshole filled with stuffed animal filling. But 50 Cent wouldn't be 50 Cent if he didn't represent hard for the douche majority, so he opened up his talk hole and dropped out this delusional-covered wet shit dingle:

“We need organizations for straight men. We do. We need organizations for straight men in the case you’ve been on the elevator and somebody decides they want to grab your little buns. Times are changing. Those organizations are set up for at one point they were being attacked for those choices. Now its completely different. Obviously [homosexuality] is more socially accepted.”

This dick-brained piece of stupid shit! We do have organizations like that. It's called THE FUCKING POLICE, you fart for brains fuck! 50 Cent needs to stop thinking through his ass and he needs to stop thinking bitches actually want to grab at his double dime cheeks. Raise your hand if you want to put your hands on 50 Cent's little buns? The only bitch raising her hand is Chelsea Handler and that's only because Grey Goose poo powers her brain and she can't be held responsible for her own actions.

To play a male-to-female pre-op transgender assassin in the British miniseries Hit & Miss, Chloe Sevigny had to bring the bulge by wearing an artificial dick. You'd think that since Chloe wrapped her lips around Vincent Gallo's chorizo dick in Brown Bunny, she wouldn't be fazed by doing almost anything for her art. But nope. Not only did it suck having a bunch of hands up in her crotch area, but Chloe tells Culture Magazine (via Page Six) that wearing a prosthetic peen made her feel ugly. It's times like this that I really wish a Hilary Swank as Brandon Teen side-eye GIF existed. If I got paid to wear a plastic vagina all day, I'd be happier than a Kardashian in piss, but not Chloe.

"I cried every day when they put it on. I felt very exposed… having people so close to your personal parts anyway -- who you're not sleeping with -- for an hour-and-a-half each day, to put it on. Then looking in the mirror... it was weird. I was lonely and I felt really unattractive. I was confused about my desirability -- was I desirable? -- in having put that on, and having men see me with that on.

I think it might be one of the most extreme roles I've done. If people can believe what's-her-name in 'Avatar,’ hopefully they can believe me as a pre-op."

"I felt really unattractive..." Oh Chloe, makes it TOO easy.

Maybe Chloe is trying to say that wearing a rubber dick all day helped her to sort of relate to real pre-op transgendered people who are trapped in their own bodies? Or maybe Chloe is just being Chloe since she's known for using her mouth to produce dumb shit. I'm going with the second one. But I did let out a laugh at "what's-her-name in Avatar." 

The entire nation already halfway exhaled when Kim Kardashian FINALLY gave her thoughts on Obama's thought son gay marriage and now we can exhale all the way, because fellow reality show whore Bristol Palin has FINALLY given hers. The authority on whoresome wholesome family values and "traditional" marriage took a break from trying to get on The Choice (I'm guessing that's what she's up to these days) and wrote a blog for Patheos about how Obama's daughters need less Glee in their lives and how statistics show that children who grow up with a mother and a father do better in life. That's Bristol's way of politely telling her son that since a single mother is raising him, he's screwed and he'd be better off being raised by the pieces they chiseled off of her jaw to make way for her new chin.

It took me a while to figure out Bristol's piece wasn't from The Onion, because it's that good. It's just too easy. It's like a monologue from GCB. Clear your throat before you get into this, because you'll need to make way for all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs:

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.

In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

So Bristol, the daughter of someone who ran for VP, is telling us NOT to listen to the daughters of the President? Oh Bristol, don't listen to 99.9999% of the commenters on your blog calling you a fucking idiot. You're a comedy genius and the show you say is gaying up America should hire you as their head writer. Keep bringing on the funnies, bitch!