Dumbasses

The bad news is that Randy Travis is still disturbing the peace with his drunken acts of sad country song fuckery. The good news is that this time, Randy Travis didn't rub his butt sweat all over the backseat of a cop car. The other bad news is that Randy Travis' latest boozed up date with the cops didn't end with him walking away with a fresh pair of paper pants. Getting busted by the cops isn't so bad when you get a pair of paper pants out of it.

Randy Travisty was put in handcuffs earlier this year after he was caught high on the sweet nectar in front of a church near his house, and a little over two weeks ago he was busted for drunkenly crashing his car before taking all his panties off in public. TMZ says that Randy earned the latest jewel on his record at around 1 this morning when the police were called to a church parking lot in Plano, TX, because Randy and some other dude were scrappin' over a woman.

An officer tells People that the woman is apparently Randy's latest girlfriend and she was arguing with her estranged husband in the church parking lot. Being the drunken Captain Save A Ho that he is, Randy threw himself into the ring to defend his piece and started throwing fists at the husband. TMZ says that the husband must've delivered a serious WHOOP THAT TRICK citation on Randy's ass, because he was taken to the hospital to get his war wounds treated. But the officer tells People that Randy never went to the hospital and that he didn't seem drunk at the time. Randy was cited with simple assault and there were zero arrests.

First of all, if Randy wasn't drunk at 1 this morning, then neither was I (I was). Second of all, what is it with Randy getting messy on God's front lawn. The father, the son or the holy ghost need to turn a garden hose on his ridiculous ass next time. Why were the three of them fighting in the middle of a church parking lot, anyway? The only reasonable explanation for fighting in a church parking lot is if you're in a drug deal gone wrong, a threesome hook-up gone wrong or you all brought the same dish to the church bake sale.

We're all laughing at Randy's ass now, but watch in two year's time, Rebecca Black and Carly Rae Jepsen will be saying the words, "And the Grammy for Best Song goes to 'I Tore My Paper Pants In A Parking Lot Brawl' by Randy Travis!"

When you see Amanda Bynes' face in the top picture of a post, you know the story is about one of four things:

1. Bitch got in a car accident.
2. Bitch got in a car accident.
3. Bitch got in a car accident.
4. Bitch didn't get in a car accident.

The answer should be #4, because the only time Amanda Bynes should be in the news is when she hasn't punched a car with her car. But the answer is not #4, because Bumper Car Mandy has struck again! Only this time, it's not really her fault...completely. TMZ says that around 8pm last night in the San Fernando Valley, another car bumper fucked Mandy's car. The driver who rear-ended Amanda blames it all on her. The other driver says that Mandy caused the crash by busting out some "reckless maneuver" with her car.

The other driver is technically at fault, right? But given Amanda's hiss tore ee, I believe the other driver.

At this point, I'm beginning to think that either Amanda is into the same fetish those dirty whores in Crash (the Cronenberg movie and not the one starring Tony Danza) were into or she's trying to jump start her broken car bumper of a career by getting a spot on America's Worst Driver. Or simply, she's just a dumbass who can't drive.

When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it's usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she's wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail....and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.

Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe's window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven't been filed yet.

Nowhere in TMZ's report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe's state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I'm guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn't wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he's always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake 'em for daddy, bitch. That doesn't mean Papa Joe's drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he's sober.

Last we left drunken mess Randy Travis, he was arrested for living out a sad country song by drowning his sorrows with cups of the sweet nectar while parked in front of a baptist church near his house in Texas. Not much has changed since then. Randy is still spreading the foolery, is still out being a public drunk and is still getting arrested for his dumb bitch antics, but this time he's taken shit to a whole new level by taking off his panties for the cops.

While some of us were in dreamland, leaping across clouds made of Randy Travis' ex-wife's hair, his liquored up ass was on the side of a Texas road, yelling at the cops with his drunk peen hanging out. TMZ says that shortly after Randy crashed his 1998 Pontiac Trans Am into several construction zone barricades, the cops showed up and found him butt lips naked. Since Randy always has to give TMZ something to write about, he refused to take a breathalyzer. I will really be disappointed with Randy if he didn't grab each one of his butt cheeks, spread 'em wide and tell the cop to shove the breathalyzer up in there. You really haven't lived until you've blown a breathalyzer with your butt hole.

Randy was arrested immediately and thrown into the backseat of the trooper's car. As Randy's ass left sweat stains on the trooper's backseat, he threatened to shoot at all the officers who arrested him. It's unknown if Randy threatened to shoot them with a gun or shoot them with the possibly loaded weapon hanging off of his crotch. The cops weren't going to take any chances and were not about to get hit with a whiskey-infused jizz bullet shooting out of Randy's peen, so when they got to the station they covered him up with a t-shirt and some paper pants. Randy then threw Blue Steel eyes at the mug shot camera to try to distract us from all the face scratches and bruises he got in the crash. Randy was charged with DWI and for threatening an officer.

Okay, so Randy was as nekkid as nekkid can and threatened to shoot up all those cops, and he all he got was a pair of paper pants and a few charges? If that you or me, the cops would've tased us straight in the culo until our genitals started coughing up black smoke. But yet Randy gets paper pants. I want paper pants!

I guess driving like a mess while fully clothed is totally yesterday. The new thing is driving like a mess while your nipples are kissing air. Let's hope that Lindsay Lohan doesn't start following this new trend.

This was everywhere yesterday and I was about to post it, but I stopped myself, because it's just TOO perfect and I kept waiting for the words "Written & Directed by Christopher Guest" to pop up on the screen at the very end. But The Smoking Gun says that this isn't a parody and it's made of one hundred percent Marcus Bachmann realness. Cam from Modern Family's gayer, slightly less-bearish, closeted dumb ass second cousin LIVES!

TSG says that 65-year-old real estate broker and pink shirt aficionado Michael Leisner is a gay-hating crazy who regularly posts videos on YouTube where he shits up hate at Obama, Bill Maher and Barney Frank for making this country a gayer place. Speaking of making this world a gayer place, Michael staged his own protest on the lawn of the General Mills Headquarters in Minnesota over the weekend, because of their support for same-sex marriage and because Cheerios look like the freshly fucked b-holes of power bottoms. Obviously. As two teenagers giggled at his stupid bitch foolery, Michael tried to really show those gay-loving heathens at General Mills  that he means business by torching a box of Honey Nut Cheerios on the front lawn of their headquarters. What was supposed to be a serious protest turned into (read in Madeline Kahn's voice if you know what's good) flame, flames, flaaaames on the side of the lawn.

I know Michael Leisner thinks my gay soul will burn in a bowl on top of a wooden stool in front of the GM headquarters in Hell, but I have to thank him for making Honey Nut Cheerios taste extra sweet thanks to this act of total buffoonery. Dumb bitch nutted honey over everyone's Cheerios with this mess. Michael told TSG that he thought General Mills' lawn was "saturated" with water and that he didn't think the flames of LOLs would spread. Michael also said that he knows there's a chance the police might want to speak to him about burning shit on private property.

Well, at least this dumb ass can walk away from this knowing that he has made thousands laugh by out-flaming a box of flaming Honey Nut Cheerios all in the name of gay (and Toucan Sam) hate.

Project Runway's Nina Garcia left a lovely "Note from the 1%" for her Twitter followers on Thursday when she told them about a must-have bag that will any cost them 3 paychecks AT MOST. Because Nina said "this IS the bag" and said it would last you a lifetime, you expect the link to lead you to a vintage Lisa Frank bubblegum duffel bag. Right? Right. But instead, Nina Garcia led her followers to a leather bag that is more overpriced than the leather bag slobbering over it:

Maybe it's because I don't carry a purse (shut up), but do you really need to spend three weeks salary on ANY purse? Can't you just grab a Hefty bag, roll it in glue and glitter, throw your shit in there and call it good? A Hefty bag covered in glitter is a lot hotter than most of the tired bags I've seen out there.

Nina's tweet sort of reminds me of this episode of Beverly Hills Teens where that hot bitch Bianca goes shopping at a new mall she's never been before. Bianca pulls up to a mall that is so tall it reaches the clouds and she says, "Oh, how cute, one of those new mini malls!"

And right after GOOPY Paltrow read Nina's tweet, she said out loud, "A FEW weeks salary? As in more than two? I knew there were poor people out there, but I didn't know they were THAT poor. What a world." Because of Nina's tweet, GOOPY is going to donate a few of the Birkins she keeps her recyclables in to the less fortunate. So Nina Garcia's clueless tweet did some good. See!

And nothing grows under shade, which is the opposite of what The Lesbeaver thinks should be happening on Prince William's dome.

Justin Bieber is a come-to-life Beautiful Crissy doll and so he's lucky that he was born with a built-in knob that Selena Gomez turns every time he wants his luscious mane of golden unicorn tails to grow longer. But Justin doesn't understand why everyone wouldn't want a hairy helmet of brown rainbows on their head like his. While talking to something called Rollercoaster Magazine (via Showbiz Spy), the bunny shit-brained baby bimbo threw hate at Prince William's field of stray hairs and asked if they have Propecia in England.

"I mean, there are things to prevent that nowadays, like Propecia. I don't know why he doesn't just get those things, those products. You just take Propecia and your hair grows back. Have you not got it over here?"

Justin is totally right. Prince William needs Propecia or Rogaine or whatever Lucy put on Ricky's head during that hair-growing episode. And when Prince William is done with it, he can give his leftovers to Justin, so Justin can splash some on his Barbie crotch and maybe grow a pube or two.

Here's Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate being royal dorks at an Olympic cycling event yesterday. I love that they're wearing ID badges and I'm guessing the only thing on their ID badges, besides a picture, are the words: "Bow down, bitch."

That dude throwing a side-eye in the back knew this mess was coming.

Water is wet, vodka is delicious, I'm hungover, some mark who spent the night with White Oprah woke up in a Long Island bath tub full of ice with some of his internal organs missing and cracked out stunt driver Lindsay Lohan got into another car accident. It's just another day! Drug dealers should really put a warning label on their bags of crack rocks warning crackies that smoking up the bad shit will affect their ability to know the difference between the brake and gas pedal.

TMZ says that after shopping at Chanel in Beverly Hills yesterday, the Geico Gecko's arch rival got behind the wheel (mistake #1) of another rented Porsche (mistake #2) and drove down Sunset Blvd. (mistake #3) before running into a silver Mustang that was stopped at a red light. Yes, that Mustang was not moving and this mess still busted into it. LiLo's passenger, who obviously loves inhaling second hand crack smoke while taking a Wednesday afternoon drive, knew the drill. Dude jumped out, gave the Mustang driver LiLo's insurance information and drooled out some excuse about the paparazzi following them. It was either blame the paparazzi or say that Scientology sorceress Tommy Girl is out to get her and used his telekinesis powers to push her Porsche into that Mustang.

TMZ has video of the Mustang driver talking about her brush with the slug-lipped freckled terror and it looks like there's only a few scratches on the bumper. The Mustang driver must have a b-hole shaped like a four leaf clover, because she's lucky she got off so easy.

A Huffy bike with flat tires, a Segway with a weak motor, an early model Hoveround and a Pogo Ball are the only things this bitch should be approved to drive. And why is Blohan wasting her time with trying to be a low-budget, soft-core porn star. Being a bumper car champion is her true calling.

"I believe you, Blohan!" said absolutely no one last month when Lindsay Lohan blamed crashing into a semi on her rented Porsche's brakes. It turns out we were all right. One of the many shitty excuses that dribbled out of LiLo's ass after the accident was that her brakes failed to brake when the semi-truck cut her off on PCH. Well, TMZ says that Porsche heard about LiLo putting the blame on the brakes and decided to check it out. You know where this is going and you already know it's going to end with LiLo screaming, "Porsche is out to get me!"

Porsche picked up LiLo's bruised and busted car from the place she rented it from and ran a few brake tests on it. Shockingly, the brakes worked fine and Porsche couldn't find anything wrong with them. So the only thing broke is LiLo's ability to barf up the truth.

Why did Porsche even bother? Testing those brakes was a waste of time and money. Don't they know that if you put one of LiLo's excuses in Google Translate and translate it from Lohanese to Truth Talk, the exact opposite of what she said would pop up in the right hand box. Bitch can make a lie detector machine combust just by opening her mouth. Every day is Opposite Day in LiLo's head.

The world's most famous singing beaver fetus Justin Bieber was pulled over today in L.A. by the CHP for going at least 80 mph on the 101 freeway at Vineland. In Bieber's defense, he hasn't learned his numbers yet, so it's not completely his fault.

LAPD motor officer turned L.A. City Councilman Dennis Zine tells TMZ that he's the one who ratted on The Lesbeaver by calling 911, because the yodeling beaver was "driving like a maniac" and "weaving in and out of traffic." Dennis also said that Bieber used the shoulder to pass cars. Dennis Zine thinks The Lesbeaver was going closer to 100 mph than 80 mph and if it was up to him, he'd throw Bieber into toddler jail for reckless driving. Bieber's rep barfed up a shitty excuse by saying that he was speeding because he was trying to get away from the paparazzi.

Hmmmm.... Well, maybe the paparazzi wouldn't be able to find Bieber if his fancy car wasn't painted in the completely inconspicuous shade of LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME. Dumb ass Bieber should only be allowed to drive a Big Wheels in his backyard. That's it.

The officer gave Bieber a speeding ticket and let him drive away. To which Lindsay Lohan replied, "A ticket? HA! They do that?"

You know who should also get a ticket? Selena Gomez's ass. TMZ didn't say if Selena was in the car or not, but you know she was. I mean, Selena was obviously the one working the pedals since Bieber can't reach.