Dumbasses

Lainey Gossip had a blind item yesterday about how some friends of a multi-millionaire celebrity couple played a very touching gift at their reception. The friends got together and asked various homeless people, drug addicts, street musicians and transsexuals around Los Angeles to wish the multi-millionaire celebrity couple a very happy wedding and to express their sadness about not being able to make the trip to the $6.5 million wedding in Italy. Well, today Gawker has the answer to that blind item. It's TimberBiel!

Justin Timberlake's real estate agent friend Justin Huchel (who looks like this) played the over 8 minute-long video at the wedding. Gawker has a piece of it. Gawker says that a lot of the people in the video are obviously homeless and obviously hooked on the wrong stuff, because they're slurring and barely coherent (aka me if I had to sit through Justin and Jessica's wedding). Gawker went on to say this:

The 8:30 video was premised on the idea that they were friends of Timberlake and Biel’s who, for whatever reason, couldn’t quite swing the trip to the Borgo Egnazia resort in Puglia for the nuptials, which were reported to cost $6.5 million. ‘Greetings from Your Hollywood Friends Who Just Couldn’t Make It,’ reads the opening title card, ‘Featuring Sid, Chuck, Robert, and More!’ Sid, Chuck, Robert, and others appear to be penniless and living on the street. Some of them are obviously intoxicated, mentally ill, or both, and at least one of them is entirely incapable of speaking

Another glassy-eyed apparently homeless man woozily tells the camera, in a lengthy and rambling monologue, "Jeez I miss you so much. I wish I could be there." ("There" being the $1,000-plus a night Italian resort hanging out with guests like Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. "Here" being behind what looks like a McDonald's.) Others mumble unintelligibly in response to questions about when they last hung out with Timberlake and Biel. When one shirtless man says he saw them at the L.A. Coliseum, the male voice asks, "were you performing with them?"

So there was Jessica, Justin and their rich friends, covered in diamonds and laughing at the vagrants as they sipped $3,000-a-bottle champagne that was cut with blended $100 bills and sapphire dust. They laughed laughed laughed! That's some depression era shit. When Gawker asked Justin Huchel for a comment, Justin Huchel's lawyer commented with a letter threatening to sue if a piece of the video, which was supposed to be a joke, saw the light of the internet.

I'm sure TimberBiel will donate their entire $300,000 from People to a homeless shelter in L.A. I'm sure.

But seriously, what low-life pieces of tacky trash for laughing at barely coherent, toothless messes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

TMZ says that Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas early this morning and it wasn't for assaulting retinas by looking like a Sméagol crackhead. Flavor Flav was put into handcuffs for whooping on his fiancee before pulling a knife on her teenage son. Suddenly, Gitte Nielsen doesn't feel bad about doing the Given Up On Life Waltz by rolling around in the grass with a bottle of Popov vodka in her hand.

When the cops showed up to Foofy Foofy's house, his fiancee told them that they all got into a fight which ended with New York's former fuck partner beating her ass and threatening to cut up her son with a knife. Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Foofy was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out, but was immediately transported to the local Hazmat facility where they flea dipped him in a quarantine tent.

You know, I don't remember "get your ass beat" as being one of the prizes for winning Flavor of Love.

And now I need to pull out my eyeballs with pliers and soak them in some Lubriderm, because that dreadful ass mug shot has dried me out. It looks like he's been rimming a pile of ashes. Bitch should be kept in jail for that alone.

Since we're on the topic of things that will make you barf until you dry heave and dry heave until you pass out in a puddle of foam, it seemed natural to segue into this. It's a touching tale about true love's struggles to overcome incredible obstacles. Like child labor laws. Everybody say it with me, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.

Per Radar Online, stupid California child labor laws drove a wedge between the most natural couple of all time, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson, while they were filming Couples Therapy and forced them to sleep apart for the first time in their marriage. I for one am outraged and will be calling the board as soon as I finish these bong hits and the rest of this beer that ironically Courtney isn't old enough to drink either.

Since Courtney was still 17 while they were filming, she had to endure long, cold nights away from Doug's aging lesbian face while all the other couples got to sleep together. She had to leave her own home and make sad sexy lizard faces to her hotel room mirror all alone while her 51 year old husband stared longingly out the window with her best boa and her lucite heels on. Life is so cruel sometimes.

I sure hope that therapy worked for them, because in a world with no more Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman love, I just couldn't go on if they fall apart too.

Like something out of the worst episode of Taxicab Confessions, a drunk Chris Brown mumbles in a video he tweeted to his followers that he's not trying to be a player or a dog and that he doesn't want to hurt anyone, but he's in love with both RiRi and Karrstablewatercrackers (or whatever her name is). If Chris Brown really didn't want to hurt them, he should down an Ambien and take a long nap on railroad tracks or have his fightin' limbs surgically replaced with extra plush teddy bears.

Never mind that Chris is looking like a tattooed Day of the Dead skeleton on meth, what gets me is that this isn't just some rambling video diary he recorded on his webcam at 4 in the morning. This took some production. They brought out storyboards, had meetings in conference rooms and spent time editing this mess. Professionals probably worked on this crap. Not once did the editor stop, realize what they were doing and then rolled their office chair out of the editing room and kept on rolling, rolling, rolling until they were out the exit door. This is some "True Life: I'm A Colossal Piece Of Trash" shit that'll make you roll backwards until you're far, far away.

And of course, RiRi piped in yesterday too:

Yes, it's nobody's bidness besides you, your baby and your 26 million Twitter followers. Ugh. Will somebody please take away this dumb dumb's medical marijuana card and give it to me?

via USWeekly

While some of us were lighting sparklers from our b-holes to celebrate The Silver Fox casually giving up his spot in the glass closet, that Aqualish-looking ass bitch Star Jones said on Today that she thinks he completely choreographed his coming out for maximum attention and to pull up the ratings of his talk show. On today's episode of Anderson, the Rhoda to Anderson's Mary, Andy Cohen, brought up his coming out, and the Silver Fox said that the only thing that tore a strip of silver leaf off of his fox hole was what Star said. Anderson stuffed some dried bitchiness into a tea bag, dropped that tea bag in a mug full of lukewarm tap water and then served it to Star Jones:

"I will say and I actually haven't mentioned this, the only thing that did kind of annoy me and actually it annoyed my mom who brought it up to me, Star Jones of all people, I know you mentioned it on your show. Star Jones of all people, I haven't thought about Star Jones in I don't know how long. I was unaware she was even on TV still but she apparently shows up on a morning show on Today or Good Morning America, The Today Show. Anyway, out of the blue Star Jones said after I sent this email Star Jones said this was a ratings ploy by me to boost ratings."

As Dirt Star Jones ran that burn under cold water, Anderson said that she's obviously letting her ass lips do the talking, because what she said was a pile of dingles and didn't even make sense.

"That's why it so annoyed me because of all the ways to boost ratings, like if I was wanting to boost ratings I would have waited to announce it on a very special episode, that would have been promo'd for weeks and weeks and there would have been commercials, 'Anderson's huge announcement,' and you would have a cut away of the audience but instead I was in Africa on assignment for 60 Minutes, I sent an email to a friend of mine who put it on a website. I gave no interviews about it, I never talked about it. I wasn't even on the air for days afterward and so suddenly Star Jones, who as memory serves, in terms of boosting ratings, I seem to recall her hocking her wedding every single day to get free products when she was on The View and I seem to recall her lying about her gastric bypass surgery and making everybody else lie about it as well. So for her to suddenly emerge out of the shadows and suddenly attack me for this, I couldn't believe it.

And my mom was like, 'Who is Star Jones?' Anyway, so I can't even believe I am bringing this up because I don't even want to give Star Jones the attention. I never planned on talking about this but we invited Star Jones to come on this show and she turned us down." 

Star Jones is a scared bitch and that's why she can't face the Silver Fox. But you know, it sounds like Anderson still has some shit to say to her, so I'll be happy to slip on an E.T. costume, throw a black wig on my head and let him slap me, whip me and shade me like I'm Star Jones.

Star's dumb ass is probably already getting punished for this anyway. I can only imagine the cuntified text messages that Gay Al Reynolds is sending her. Now that Star has pissed off the Silver Fox off, there's no way Gay Al will ever get an invitation to Anderson's Sunday afternoon tea party. Gay Al's gay social life is OVAH!

I wish I was telling you this is a blurry picture of Isaac and Gopher from the Love Boat (or Emmanuel Lewis and Joyce DeWitt) confirming their love, but sadly that isn't so. This is The Difficult Brown and RiRi sitting to next to each other during Jay-Z's show at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn last night. Doesn't Jay-Z hate HATE hate Chris Brown or is that another lie Blue Ivy Carter told me? If Chris Brown is Jay-Z's 100th problem, then RiRi bringing him to the concert last night was a for real slap in the face. And yes, I know what I did there and I meant to do it.

While Jim Lehrer (who hypnotized me with his teddy bear eyes) tried to referee the shank fight between the leader of the Bloods and the leader of the Crips last night, Chris Brown and RiRi cuddled up next to Beyonce and Rita Ora in the VIP section of Jay-Z's show. Elliot Wilson of Rap Radar Instagram'd this picture that doctors will use on patients with Amblyopia to get them to roll their lazy eye back into place. Fist Brown also barfed up some statement to Hollywood Life confirming that he's no longer humping on Karcuchi Tran and RiRi is the reason why. That Karcuchi trick should breath a sigh of relief, because she dodged a fist.

Whatever. It's just like what my mom said to my 3rd grade teacher when she was told that I was failing math: Just let a dumb ho be a dumb ho! (Or like what the farmer said about the broken gardening tool in his shed.) If RiRi wants to trade in her dignity and self-respect for some climbing rope dick, let her. But can she please keep it out of club bathrooms, because the toilets want no part of that grossness.

Here's RiRi going to the airport after Jay-Z's show and a highly punchable Chris Brown derp derp derp-ing into his hotel.

Long before Eric Johnson's sole job was to wrap cooked corndog breading around his peen and let Jessica Simpson eat it off, he was a pro football player who was married to Keri Johnson. After Eric's NFL career ended and his marriage to Keri started circling the drain, he instantly won the gold digger lottery when Jessica Simpson decided she wanted to eat his big sausage pizza all day, every day. When life hands a gold digger lemons, that gold digger needs to turns those lemons in MONAAAAAY. The gold digger needs to focus on his mark and shoo away any coochies that may keep him away from his goal. But that's not what Eric Johnson's skeezy dumb ass did.

A source tells Radar that when Eric was with Jessica, he was still laying his peen on his ex-wife's vagine. Keri thought that their break would make their marriage stronger, but Eric was only interested in making his checking account stronger by humping on Jessica. The source thinks that he'll step out on Jessica again:

“He’s a two-timing cheat! He was still having sex with Keri after he started seeing Jessica. She needs to think twice before marrying him. He’s already cheated on her once — he’ll most likely do it again.”

Bitch better not do it again. That would be a terrible gold digger fail. If you blindfolded Jessica and made her sniff a can of Chicken of the Sea and a can of StarKist, she wouldn't smell the difference. That's a good thing for Eric, because Jessica will never be able to smell the difference between her cooch juices and some random cooch juices, but still. If it wasn't for Jessica, Eric probably would've had to drop out of Wharton, because he couldn't afford it and he'd be working as a stock boy at a sporting goods store. Eric has it good and in the wise words of RuPaul, "Don't fuck it up."

A million years ago I walked into the bathroom of some goth club in L.A. and listened to (and saw) some drunk, stumbling mess in the first stall get the barfs from the butt and miss the toilet. I thought that was the most disgusting shit (punned on purpose) to ever happen in a club bathroom, but that mess was nothing compared to what happened in the bathroom of the NYC nightclub Griffin on Tuesday morning. Both Page Six and the NYDN say that in the bathroom of the Griffin, RiRi and Chris Brown got physical, only this time she didn't end up in the emergency room.

Some witness tells Page Six that RiRi showed up to the club after Fist Brown did and sat at a table near his.  Fist Brown made his way to RiRi's table, lifted up his shirt and the two started freaking on each other and mouth fucking. You'd think that the bathroom would already be occupied by people barfing their souls out from watching those stupid bitches get gross on each other, but it wasn't, because RiRi and Fist Brown went in there together. When they came out of the bathroom, the witness says RiRi looked a little "ruffled." Fist Brown and his entourage of dick bags left at around 4 in the morning and RiRi followed five minutes later. Hollywood Life says that RiRi went back for more, because she was partying with Fist Brown at 1 Oak last night.

Sometimes dickmatization is a serious disease and will fuck you up in more ways than one. I'm trash, so I'm all for bathroom sex, but I'm not for having bathroom sex with a nasty ass wart who nearly punched your face into the next zip code. If RiRi is that adick-ded to Fist Brown, she should just stick a pool noodle on an angry beaver toy and ride that instead. It's the same thing and way more safe. Gross bitches, the both of them.

Speaking of addiction, I am addicted to House Hunters International and have probably seen every episode at least 5 times. Lately, they've been repeating this one episode from Brazil over and over again. So when I first read this story about Fist bending RiRi over a toilet, my first thought was this:

My thoughts exactly, Rafaella. And the same thought goes for the shit RiRi wore yesterday in NYC.

File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.

A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.

Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter's wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he's willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn't even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:

"[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."

I've only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn't look good on me because it's too busy for my facial features, but I'm willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I'm convinced she's a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!

But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet. I'll move into Gigi and Sean's penthouse and we'll all pretend our way to millions! I'll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.

If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I'll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she's about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He'll believe me, this will work and we'll all be rich!

When Parasite Hilton is in the back of a car, she usually only opens her mouth to lazily suck on the random dick next to her, but on September 7th in NYC, she opened her mouth to give her thoughtful opinion on gay dudes. Just like how she gave her thoughtful opinion on black dudes.

Radar says that Wonky and her friend, who's gay, were in the back of a cab and the driver secretly recorded them shitting at the mouth about Grindr. The piece of stank trash got famous from getting dicked on night vision said that gay dudes are the horniest people in the world (cut to me making a guilty face while closing all my browser tabs with porn sites on 'em) and most probably have AIDS. Yeah, go ahead and file this under: This is RICH coming from GlaxoSmithKline's #1 Valtrex supplier.

If your brain burped up a question mark at the name "Grindr," Grindr is an app that some gay dudes use to find other nearby gay dudes to fuck on. It's also an app people can use to see the only men in the world that Wonky hasn't fucked for an 8-ball. Wonky's friend was showing her how Grindr works and that made her queef up these words of wisdom:

"Ewww! Eww. To get fucked? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world.... I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You'll like, die of AIDS."

You know, I sort of know how Wonky feels. I would be so scared if I were Wonky McValtrex, because you're like, already dead inside. But the most hilarious part is how Wonky's rep tried to spin it.

Paris Hilton's comments were to express that it is dangerous for anyone to have unprotected sex that could lead to a life threatening disease. The conversation became heated, after a close gayfriend told her in a cab ride, a story about a gay man who has AIDS and is knowingly having unprotected sex. He also discussed a website that encourages random sex by gay men with strangers. As she was being shown the website her comments were in reference to those people promoting themselves on the site. The cab driver who recorded this, only provided a portion of the conversation. It was not her intent to make any derogatory comments about all gays. Paris Hilton is a huge supporter of the gay community and would never purposefully make any negative statements about anyone's sexual orientation.

Okay, so gays aren't disgusting, just horny gays with AIDS are disgusting. This changes EVERYTHING, because when I want to know what's "disgusting," I ask a dumb trollop skank who regularly hangs out with Brandon "Fat Elvis" Davis. But now that this dingle-brained talking used condom has reminded us that she exists by leaking this recording, we can go back to forgetting about her and I can go and reopen all those porn site tabs.

And go to Radar if the YouTube above doesn't work.