Dumbasses

UPDATE: That's not a picture of the woman who got smacked down by LiLo. That's the woman's friend who either smeared bronzer on her cheek to make it look like a bruise or is just extremely heavy with the rouge.

White Oprah better make room on her wall of family achievements, because here comes another mug shot of beauty from her daughter!

Because it's been much too long since Lindsay Lohan has been in handcuffs and she missed posing for the mug shot camera, bitch got arrested in NYC early this morning for punching a woman in the face at a club. If it's morning time for you, then you can skip your morning cup of liquid caffeine by going to TMZ to get your buzz from watching the video of her perp walk. If it's afternoon or night times for you, you can still get higher from listening to her scream out to the cops, "Oh my God! Are you kidding me?" Oh, LiLo, that's what we all said on Sunday night are Liz & Dick. 

The latest chapter in LiLo's never-ending Party Heat episode of a life started when she and the woman above got into some kind of argument at Avenue in NYC. The woman was sitting in the booth next to Lindsay's and nobody knows what they were fighting about, but at one point Blohan said, "Give me some space!" TMZ's source says that the two stopped fighting, but a little while later LiLo punched the woman in the face for whatever reason. Somewhere up in heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is screaming at God, "Youdammit! I told you to use your powers to make that lady punch LiLo in the face for fucking me over. Not the other way around!"

The cops were called, but by the time they showed up, LiLo was already making her getaway in a car. The cops eventually found the car LiLo was in and arrested her ass. She was booked for third degree misdemeanor assault and released a few hours later.

In LiLo's defense (and bitch is totally going to use this in court as her defense), she was at Justin Bieber's concert earlier in the night and listening to that baby yodel will make anyone want to randomly punch a trick.

Regularly inhaling Charlie Sheen's coke and call girl snatch breath would make almost any kid run straight to Jesus and that's exactly what 19-year-old Angus T. Jones has done and then some. For the past ten seasons, Angus has played the half man in Two and a Half Men and it's made him the highest paid child actor in television. But every time Angus gets a $350,00 check from CBS, he happily cashes in it and then washes his hands in holy water, because that money is dark-sided and has the blood of Satan all over it.

Back in October, Angus shot some kind of testimonial for the Forerunner Christian Church and at the 7:30 mark he tells Christians not to watch the television show that made him a child millionaire. I don't watch Two a Half Men, because it's a total shit show. But Angus thinks you shouldn't watch his show, because it's filled with filth and is probably on Lucifer's Tivo To Do List. Dumbass didn't bite the hand that feeds. He gnawed that shit off by saying this:

"Jake from Two and a Half Men means nothing. He is a non-existent character. If you watch Two and a Half Men, please stop watching Two and a Half Men. I'm on Two and a Half Men and I don't want to be on it. Please stop watching it and filling your head with filth. Please. People say it’s just entertainment. The fact that it's entertainment, it's... Do some research on the effects of television and your brain, and I promise you you’ll have a decision to make when it comes to television, especially with what you watch. It's bad news. I don't know if it means anymore coming from me, but you might not have heard it otherwise. Just watch it. A lot of people don't want to think about how deceptive the enemy is."

Angus then goes on to say that he doesn't want to be helping the enemy and that he can't be a God-fearing person when he's on a show like that and (insert more Christian stuff here). Angus also recently said that he's signed on for another year and that God wants him there for a reason.

That video is like his audition tape for The Trinity Network's Two and a Half Christians starring Kirk Cameron and Stephen Baldwin.

So basically, Angus is saying he's an undercover agent for God? He's learning about the enemy by working for the enemy? Angus' handler God is totally not going to like that he blew his cover.

And I should've done some research before watching this video, because now I'm afraid of the effects it will have on my brain.

via The Hollywood Reporter

Autism curer and literary genius Jenny McCarthy is peddling her newest book "Bad Habits: Confessions of a Recovering Catholic" and she learned the best way to sell a book is to spill some scandalous (not really) secrets about all the time she did drugs and fucked a tree so hard that it squirted sap like it's never squirted sap before. HuffPo says that Jenny writes that while partying with her friends one night, she swallowed so many Ecstasy pills that it made her take off all her clothes (like she needed Ecstasy to do that) and practically rub her cooter off while screwing a tree.

"The texture felt so good that I decided to rub my head and boobs all over it. It was a tree I was humping."

Jenny then writes that her friends, who were also rolling hard, got paranoid and wanted to run to the road for help.

“I noticed that we weren’t wearing anything. So I responded, ‘Let’s not. We’re naked. Let’s just try to sneak back to the beach and get our clothes."

So sticking a vaccine needle in your kid is wrong, will probably send them to an early death and anybody who does it should be dragged into the town square and stoned. But eating a bunch of Ecstasy pills and then forcibly fucking a tree until you birth out an acorn baby is okay and totally not wrong? Good to know. Thanks for clearing that up, Jenny McCarthy, M.D. (Yes, in this case, M.D. stands for maniacally dumb.)

Just a day after Hurricane Sandy took lives, drowned the subway and ate almost all of the electricity in Manhattan, Brazilian actress-model-reality-star-fame-whore-thing Nana Gouvêa took to the streets with her husband to document all of the devastation the only way she knew how: by posing on top of it. The pictures were spread everywhere, Nana became a meme and Phoebe Price's successor was found!

But in an interview with Vice, Nana says it wasn't a photo shoot, she's not a model and she wasn't posing. All of this started when the Brazilian magazine Ego (that's too perfect) called her in NYC and interviewed her about Super Storm Sandy. The interviewer from Ego then asked Nana if she could go out and take a few pictures for the story. So Nana and her husband went out to take some super serious National Geographic-like pictures for Ego. Nana says she was not posing, that's just how she naturally moves. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her gorgeous looks are more devastating than the devastation that was around her. We shouldn't blame her for the fact that her beauty and grace upstaged the chaos.

Vice's interview with Nana is more ridiculously hilarious than her not-at-all posed pictures and I didn't think that was possible. Nana makes everything seem possible now. Here's a big piece of the interview and click over to Vice to get it all:

VICE: Hi Nana. I just wanted to talk to you a bit about the modeling shoot you did after Hurricane Sandy. Nana Gouvêa: No, it's not a modeling shoot. It was never a modelling shoot—I just took some snapshots with my husband because I was interviewed by someone in Brazil and they wanted photos. It was not a modeling shoot.

Oh, OK. What was the interview about?
The hurricane, of course. The Brazilian magazine Ego called me to interview me about the hurricane and, at the end, they asked me if I could take some pictures to send to them as imagery for the article. I'm not a model, though. I want to make that clear.

What do you do?
I'm an actress. That's my one profession. Period. I'm not a model. I was in Playboy once, but all the most beautiful and famous actresses do Playboy—that doesn't mean we're models.

Surely that means you've been a paid model, though? Even if it was only for a couple of hours, or whatever.
No, I don’t agree with you.

Fair enough. Your poses are quite model-y. They look good.
That's just how I am. There’s no posing. I'm like that every single day of my life. I was being the most natural, yet serious, as I possibly could be. You don't see me smiling or making jokes, do you? I was serious.

So the photos were intended to reflect how serious the disaster was?
Yes. I wasn't showing my legs, I wasn't showing my arms or my breasts. Was I wearing a sexy outfit? No. I didn’t have make-up on and my hair wasn't done up, or anything. It was just normal, not a photo-shoot. What a ridiculous idea.

In one photo, have you actually climbed into the tree?
Yes, I was trying to show the devastation.

Right. Have you had any bad reactions over the photos since they came out?
Yeah, because you guys in the media are saying it was a photo-shoot. This simply isn't true and I'm very, very offended. So many people were taking pictures of the devastation, so why do people say that I was trying to get some kind of advantage out of this?

No idea.
It's because you put the sex appeal on me. That’s down to you. It's the media who think I’m sexy, so they're putting that on me.

Do you think the main problem is just that you’re sexier than all the ugly people who've been in other photos?
Unfortunately, yes. People look at me and they see a beautiful woman. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, either. It's very bad and so unfair. I really hope that people stop having these preconceptions of me. Just because I'm beautiful and have loads of sex appeal, it doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It's not my fault that you see the pictures and you think I'm beautiful or sexy.

See! It's not Nana's fault that when she stands on a fallen tree she looks like something out of the pages of Vogue. When Nana leans up against a destroyed car, it's not her fault that she looks like the star of Barbizon's picture of the year. You have blood running through your veins, but Nana has potent sexiness running through hers. She didn't ask to be born beautiful, extremely photogenic and naturally alluring. How dare all of you! You can make this better by texting FUNANA to the Red Cross and your donation will go toward helping the plight of the sexy people.

I swear, Nana is delusional, self-absorbed and shameless. She's already one of us. Welcome to America, Nana! The Kardashians should adopt her.

BONUS: Here's Nana talking about this serious situation while looking devastatingly gorgeous and sexy.

Jermaine Jackson named 2 out of his 9 children Jermajesty and Jaafar, so he obviously has his doctorate in Fucked Up Names and he's at it again. This time Jermaine Jackson is dipping his own last name in liquid foolery. The L.A. Times says that Jermaine has gone to court and asked them to let him legally change his last name from Jackson to Jacksun. Yes, JackSUN. That sounds like the name of a lube made of orange juice. We all know that Jermaine is changing his name because he is crazy and suffers from chronic attention whoreism, but he claims he's doing it for "artistic reasons."

If you read that last part as "artistic raisin" and then looked up at that picture, this story probably makes even more sense to you.

Before Jermaine Jackson officially becomes Jermaine Jacksun, a judge has to approve it, he has to announce his new last name in a publication and there has to be a public hearing where anyone can object the change. In other words, bitch is going to attention whore the shit out of this name change.

Jermaine Jackson looks like the broken condom baby of a chewed up piece of steak fat and the sun, so changing the "son" in his last name to "sun" is fitting. You know, though, I shouldn't challenge the decision making skills of a California Raisin who can work every sparkle on a Zales tennis bracelet and who fills his hairline in with a Sharpie. Jermaine styles his hair to look like a melting tire, so I shouldn't question him on anything. The bitch knows what he's doing.

I know I was supposed throw a picture of Donald Trump up there, but would you rather look at a picture of a charred dingle stuck on a dog's hairy asshole or would you rather look at a picture of a gold digging Slovenian flower? No, Melania Trump isn't trying to seduce you. Melania is pulled so tight that she can't open her eye holes all the way and she's always hazy in the brain from constantly inhaling the toxic hot air that Trump farts from his pie hole. Anyway...

After RuPaul told Mitt Romney to sashay away, Victoria Jackson (the crazy one, not the make-up mogul one) pulled some "SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-UH!" shit and then melted into a puddle of sad tears on the floor of her mental hospital cell. Victoria dug a grave for America next to where her career and sanity is buried. Meanwhile, Donald Trump shat out a whine-filled rant on Twitter (and deleted most of it later). Trump described the election the same way most of us describe his existence: disgusting, a travesty and a sham.

Donald Trump is like a flea bite on your taint and just like a flea bite on your taint, your mother tells you not to scratch it or give it any attention, but you do anyway. Brian Williams scratched at that flea bite on his taint last night when he read a bitch during his election night coverage on NBC. Brian said this about Trump:

“Donald Trump, who has driven well past the last exit to relevance and peered into something closer to irresponsible here, is tweeting tonight."

And of course, Brian's slap down made the mutated hacked up hairball go after him:

@bwilliams knows that I think his newscast has become totally boring so he took a shot at me last night.

The only thing more boring than @bwilliams newscast is his show Rock Center which is totally dying in the ratings—a disaster!

@bwilliams--wouldn't you love to have my ratings?

Donald Trump is only mad, because you know that all night he was sitting at his computer waiting to type "OBAMA, YOU'RE FIRED" and he got shut down. I bet the gorgeous flower Melania Trump is secretly happy that Obama won, because Trump was too busy nailing his haters to nail her. It's always a good day in America for Melania Trump when her husband isn't asking her to slurp on his soggy mini dumpling dick.

To further prove that he's Canada's biggest asshole, the future Mr. Avril Lavigne told Men's Health (via Starpulse) about the time before a Nickelback show in Germany when he and his bandmates were so bored that they paid their drum technician to fuck a fan. Since there wasn't one Nickelback fan around who'd let anybody associated with Nickelback stick a dick in them (Note: Nickelback fans are crazy, but they're not that crazy), Chad told the drum technician to stick it in a moving metal fan (like this one). Listening to Nickelback songs every night ruined the part of the drum technician's brain that operated his sense of reason, so he did it.

CK: We've always been very close to our crew, so we've had a lot of fun getting them to do silly, stupid things that could possibly cause them to hurt or injure themselves in some way. We were in Germany years ago—this was one of my favorite stories—and we were just bored. There was a heat wave going on in Germany. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade. I don't remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade. And we paid the drum tech.... Oh god, I forget the exact amount. I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn't converted to the Euro yet.

MH: 600 deutschmarks to do what?

CK: Stick his johnson in the fan.

MH: Please tell me he said no.

CK: He took the money.

MH: Oh sweet Moses.

CK: I can still hear the "bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh" of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic. Somebody has video footage of this somewhere that needs to be resurrected and shown at the guy's next birthday party.

The sound of a dude screaming out blood while making violent love to a metal fan is probably still sweeter to the ears than the sound of a Nickelback song. I'm sure Chad would've stuck his dick in the fan too, but the tip of it would've never touched the blade, so it would've been anti-climactic for everyone.

They're really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can't get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don't even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that's exactly what Chris Brown is.

Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them?

Source: Instagram via ONTD

These Terminator bitches are a mess. If one of them (Arnold Schwarzenegger) isn't making every housekeeper in the Beverly Hills area cleanse her vagine with Windex (Windex really does work on everything) after letting him stick his gross Austrian schnitzel stick in there, then another one of them (Nick Stahl) is making his estranged wife put his face on a milk carton after going on another drug binge in Skid Row. And if one of them isn't going missing all the time, then another one of them (Edward Furlong) is getting into fights with his piece at LAX.

Edward Furlong was arrested at LAX early this morning for allegedly getting violent with his girlfriend. The police showed up to Terminal 2 at LAX at around 1 this morning after security called them, because Edward and his girlfriend were getting messy. Edward allegedly grabbed his girlfriend's arm so hard that he left marks. Marks on an arm equals JAIL, bitch, so they dragged Pecker off to a cell and set his bail at $50,000. Edward's latest arrest will join his public intoxication charge from 2007 and his restraining order violation charge from 2011 on his police record.

Causing a scene at the airport is the definition of a dumb bitch move. Don't get crazy in an airport, because they're just looking for a reason to tase you, tackle you to the ground and drag you off to that locked room near the TSA checkpoint. Edward Furlong is a dim dumb douchebag. If Edward and his girlfriend were on Couples Therapy, that Couples Therapy lady would tell them that they should obviously break up, because the girlfriend deserves a man who won't treat her like trash in the middle of an airport and Edward deserves a girlfriend who won't accidentally shit and piss out the white balloons he made her shove up into her body during their quick trip to Peru. Really, Edward should look up the name "Dina Lohan" on Match.com

via The L.A. Times

Lainey Gossip had a blind item yesterday about how some friends of a multi-millionaire celebrity couple played a very touching gift at their reception. The friends got together and asked various homeless people, drug addicts, street musicians and transsexuals around Los Angeles to wish the multi-millionaire celebrity couple a very happy wedding and to express their sadness about not being able to make the trip to the $6.5 million wedding in Italy. Well, today Gawker has the answer to that blind item. It's TimberBiel!

Justin Timberlake's real estate agent friend Justin Huchel (who looks like this) played the over 8 minute-long video at the wedding. Gawker has a piece of it. Gawker says that a lot of the people in the video are obviously homeless and obviously hooked on the wrong stuff, because they're slurring and barely coherent (aka me if I had to sit through Justin and Jessica's wedding). Gawker went on to say this:

The 8:30 video was premised on the idea that they were friends of Timberlake and Biel’s who, for whatever reason, couldn’t quite swing the trip to the Borgo Egnazia resort in Puglia for the nuptials, which were reported to cost $6.5 million. ‘Greetings from Your Hollywood Friends Who Just Couldn’t Make It,’ reads the opening title card, ‘Featuring Sid, Chuck, Robert, and More!’ Sid, Chuck, Robert, and others appear to be penniless and living on the street. Some of them are obviously intoxicated, mentally ill, or both, and at least one of them is entirely incapable of speaking

Another glassy-eyed apparently homeless man woozily tells the camera, in a lengthy and rambling monologue, "Jeez I miss you so much. I wish I could be there." ("There" being the $1,000-plus a night Italian resort hanging out with guests like Jimmy Fallon and Andy Samberg. "Here" being behind what looks like a McDonald's.) Others mumble unintelligibly in response to questions about when they last hung out with Timberlake and Biel. When one shirtless man says he saw them at the L.A. Coliseum, the male voice asks, "were you performing with them?"

So there was Jessica, Justin and their rich friends, covered in diamonds and laughing at the vagrants as they sipped $3,000-a-bottle champagne that was cut with blended $100 bills and sapphire dust. They laughed laughed laughed! That's some depression era shit. When Gawker asked Justin Huchel for a comment, Justin Huchel's lawyer commented with a letter threatening to sue if a piece of the video, which was supposed to be a joke, saw the light of the internet.

I'm sure TimberBiel will donate their entire $300,000 from People to a homeless shelter in L.A. I'm sure.

But seriously, what low-life pieces of tacky trash for laughing at barely coherent, toothless messes. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch episodes of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.