Dumbasses

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question "How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?" was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha's next album. If it's coke, you're going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it's TUMS, you're going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

It's a good thing for terrorists that this generation's Chuck Norris, Marky Mark, didn't get on one of those planes as his ass was scheduled to, because if he did then 9/11 would've never happened.

In between talking about how he's a good Catholic boy who doesn't jack off (Tip: You can stop right here, because that explains everything.), Marky Mark bragged to Men's Journal that IF he was on Flight 93, he would've served up a funky bunch of American justice right in the faces of those terrorists and landed the plane safely while soothing all the passengers (who did nothing, obviously) with an acoustic version of "Wild Side."

The bald eagle has stopped letting out a "Never Forget" tear for a quick second to laugh at the shit that came out of Marky's mouth:

"If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, 'OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.'"

The words "THIS BITCH" are permanently embedded onto my retinas, because that's the only thing that blinked in front of me after I finished reading that quote. We shouldn't laugh at Marky, though. Marky once blinded a Vietnamese man in the eye with a metal hook for no reason, so he's capable of anything. Marky would've stunned the terrorists with his dramatic monologue from Three Kings, and then knocked those box cutters out of their hands with his third nipple before blowing them out of the plane door with his Funky Bunch thrust. Then Marky would've turned to the imaginary camera that follows him everywhere and said America's newest motto: "Say hello to the debul for me."

Or Marky would've made those terrorists bleed through their eyes by showing his movie Rock Star in the first class cabin.

Marky Mark does't act in action movies, he LIVES in action movies and I hope that nobody ever yells "Cut!" on his ass, because what comes out of his mouth is gold-plated shit soup for my soul.

Answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that it makes you want to double slap yourself?" is one thing. But answering "yes" to the question "Is the dick so good that you're willing to get triple punched into the E.R.?" is another.

UsWeekly has echoed (see: copy and pasted) CDAN's blind item about how RiRi is eating the cake again, Anna Mae, by hopping on the pool noodle dick attached to the rage-stuffed ass roid who Ike Turnered her in the eye several times.

Some "music industry insider" tells UsWeekly that RiRi's coochie found lust on a hopeless ass again and it's been going on for about a year.

"She comes to see him anytime she's in L.A. They can't get enough of each other. I don't see it ending well. Rihanna loves to live dangerously, and talking to and hooking up with Chris is all part of that."

Chris Brown's spokeswhore punched the letters L, I and E into this story and claim that he's not stepping out on his girlfriend Karrueche Tran. But the L.A. Times recently put their magnifying glass to a few Tweets from RiRi. RiRi Twatted this mess right after pics of Chris with his piece spending New Year's together came out:

How can you lie to her, while u lay with me???.....If you don't have an answer, you don't have to answer.

That Tweet is a wreck and doesn't have an ounce of sense on it, so it's probably just a lyric to one of RiRi's songs. But if UsWeekly and CDAN are right, then I hope that all those huge ass blunts RiRi is getting baked on in Hawaii will erase the part of her brain that is telling her Chris Brown's dangerous dick is crack and her pussy is Pete Doherty. Weed don't fail us now!

Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn't just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:

The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki's head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she's going to say shit like this, but that doesn't mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch 'n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).

On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don't let anybody tell you that pickles don't work as positive reinforcements.

And here's one of Lady CaCa's greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.

During this holiday season, two things have happened in Florida so far:

1) The top story on the local news was about two glamorous burglars stealing $500 worth of lawn ornaments. Also, it's pretty much impossible to point out the differences between the local news in Florida and Inside Edition.

2) The glamorous burglars in question stole the Christmas decorations (including a Mickey Mouse riding a horse, I repeat, a Micky Mouse riding a horse) from their neighbor's yard and then put that shit on their own front yard just a block away. Those dumb bitches should be thankful that what they lack in simple common sense, they make up for in GLAMOUR!

The moral of the story is, you really can't trust a ho who keeps a stolen shopping cart in her yard.

via Buzzfeed

Lindsay Lohan is still in Hawaii continuing her well-deserved vacation from her exhausting life (that line is best snorted with a straw made of sarcasm) and while she's there she continued to prove that all the sea jasper dust she's inhaled has completely eaten away her common sense cell. TMZ says that a completely sober LiLo went to a house party in Laie last night and left her $5,000 Chanel purse in the car. Well, it's nice to see that the Lohans are still coming up with ways to show us that they are the opposite of smart.

When LiLo got back into the car after leaving the party, her purse was magically missing along with everything inside of it including her passport, some probation paperwork and a bunch of cash. (Insert antoinedodsonyouraresodumb.gif here) Just like the look of youth, Blohan's passport keeps running away from her, because this is the second time it's suddenly gone missing. The police are currently investigating this shit. TMZ also brings up the fact that LiLo has a probation hearing in L.A. on Wednesday and she could be throw in jail for contempt if she doesn't show.

This whole mess of a story brings up a million questions. Why would THIS BITCH leave her passport and a stack of her Playboy money in an unattended car? Why wouldn't THIS BITCH leave her passport at the place she's staying and make Ali Lohan stand guard since that trick looks like a malnourished gargoyle? If THIS BITCH wants to extend her vacation why is she recycling a bullshit-covered excuse she's already used?

I know, I know, the answer to all three of those questions is: BECAUSE SHE'S A LOHAN! I swear, it's like LiLo got ass fucked by a black cat on top of a bed made of broken glass under a ladder. Unless......LiLo really is a mastermind scam artist and before she left for Hawaii, she took out travelers insurance on her friend "Chanel."

In other LiLo news, Playboy has released a few quotes from their interview with her, and yes, delusion is still her best friend:

On how she's following nature: "Sex and sexuality are a part of nature, and I go along with nature. I think Marilyn Monroe once said that. I certainly agree with her."

On how flashing her flesh-colored nipple plates gives her confidence: "Knowing yourself and your body is so important because it gives you confidence, and in life, women need confidence. It’s a very male-dominated world to begin with, so knowing yourself and being comfortable with your body is an important thing for me as a woman."

On her past fuck-ups: "Ultimately we are each responsible for ourselves and for our actions. Looking back, I probably would have listened to and taken more advice from the people whom I admire and would have followed through with it more. My stubbornness at 18 and 19 years old got in the way. During the past five years, I've learned that time flies faster than you think, and because you only live once you have to learn from your mistakes, live your dreams and be accountable."

My response to all of LiLo's answers is best expressed through this picture taken in Heaven's library:

UPDATE: Aaaaaand LiLo's purse is back. One of LiLo's friends asked a shady-looking local if he knew where her purse was and he denied everything, but a few seconds later he showed up with the purse. Everything was in it except for $10,000 cash. Yes, ten thousand dollars cash. Something in the milk ain't clean, but the milk is always dirty when it comes to this ho.

(MM picture via ONTD, thanks CC)

Good Morning America gave you a visual answer to the question "What would an interview with a caveman statue from the Museum of Natural History look like?" when they interviewed Kris Humphries today. Despite the fact that GMA pretty much promoted this interview as "Kris Humphries finally breaking his silence on his marriage to Kim Kardashian," he wanted to talk about anything but the butt. Kris was there to bust out brain farts about basketball, basketball, baking cookies with his mom, basketball and basketball. But GMA's Josh Elliott could give a Khloe Kardashian dingle about basketball and kept bringing up his joke of a fake marriage.

This interview was almost more uncomfortable than me watching the nurse try to keep a straight face while asking me a bunch of questions before my STD test. Since I know you don't want to sit through a 5-minute video of Josh Elliott and Kris Humphries talking from totally different pages, here's the transcript. I typed it out word for word:

Josh: So Kris, how's it going?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What has this experience been like?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: A lot of people found the divorce filing shocking. What did you think when she did it?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: You responded by filing for a legal separation and an annulment. What do you hope the court will decide in regard to the annulment?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Do you still love her?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: What came first, the chicken or the egg?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Kris, tell me, what one object would give a more exciting interview than you?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Thanks for that, Kris. Who would you rather? Kris Jenner or a basketball?
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Just one more question before I let you go, Kris. Your IQ is that of a....
Kris: Basketball.
Josh: Wait, wait, just one more thing. Please don't say the word "basketball" again. PLEASE! I beg of you.
Kris: .........cookie.
Josh: Thank you!
Kris: Basketball.

A source tells TMZ that as soon as the interview ended, Kris was whining about how he felt he was set up. Kris only agreed to go on GMA after they promised to only stick to questions about basketball, his obesity foundation and cookies (nobody tell Kris that cookies and obesity aren't exactly friends). But a rep for GMA says they made it clear during the pre-interview that there would be no rules.

Is Kris stupid enough to think that GMA's focus wasn't going to be about his marriage to Kim Karkrashian? Wait. Here's a better question: Am I stupid enough to actually ask that last question after watching Kris be the epitome of dumb during that interview above?

When Jesse James opens his mouth, either words of shit or a tattooed genital wart he accidentally swallowed while licking on his skank-of-the-moment falls out. Last night, the former came out of his talk hole. The moment absolutely nobody was waiting for happened last night when Vanilla Gorilla returned to reality TV on a show that should've been called American Shit Talkers instead of American Chopper: The Build-Off. Because instead of spending all of his time building stuff, VG threw shade at the woman who was supposedly the love of his life. VG said in so many words that marrying Sandra Bullock turned him into a fake Hollywood husband and now he's sorry for that:

"I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad. . . I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show 'em that I'm still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I'm not what I became."

Isn't this the same "some Hollywood actress" that helped raise his daughter while her mom was off being a mess? Well, it must be freeing for Vanilla Gorilla to know that the world no longer sees the "loving husband" shell he was hiding in and now sees him for what he truly is: a complete asshole. Good for you, VG. And VG didn't talk to his biker friends because of Sandra Bullock. VG literally couldn't talk to them because his mouth was always full of tattooed labia.

via UsWeekly

Last night on Twitter, Tori Spelling's beady-eyed husband Dean McHerpDerp served his 70,000+ followers a pair of chocolate and buckwheat pancakes when he accidentially posted a picture of his son with his wife's titty balls chilling out in the background. TITTYBOMB! Ever since my retinas tore into pieces from staring at pictures of Tori looking like a stick of wood with two boiled grapefruits stapled to it, I vowed to keep my eyes away from any pictures of her bare silicone bags, but I looked anyway. The only thing I have to say about breaking my vow is that I'll never nibble on a pupusa the same way again.

If you really need to see Tori's tits settling down after breastfeeding (which I'm guessing that's what they're doing), then click here or here. I'm not one to defend Tori, but those of you screaming "OMG MOMMA TITTAYS IN FRONT OF A CHILD!!!11!!!" need to stop. That child has stared at Tori's face every day of his life, so I'm sure a pair of naked breasts won't scar him.

via TMZ & ONTD

Usher must not have been told that having an overgrown ego that cripples your sense of reason is not considered by the government as an official handicap, because he parked in a spot he wasn't supposed to and it triggered a one-woman shit storm of insanity.

TMZ says that minutes after Usher drove his SUV into one of the handicap spots of a parking lot in Atlanta, a bitch went full crazy on his ass by spraying him in the face with a beer as he sat in the driver's seat. Usher sprayed her back with water, which caused her to start kicking at his SUV. Usher then got out of the car and the mop-headed lunatic went after him while shouting "You don't belong here!" (Insert obligatory YOU MAD.jpg here.) Shit got so real that Fat Elvis had to eat himself up through the grave and take a bus to Atlanta to tame this bruhaha. Watch and weep:

Justin Bieber was born in Usher's uterus, so that asshole motherfucker deserves all the whoops he gets, but even I think that crazy in the long-form Dorothy Hamill wig should've dialed back the insanity a bit. We're only allotted a certain number of public nervous breakdowns before the courts drop a CODE 5150 on our heads and this was not worth it. Bitch went crazy like that gold digging Tameka when Usher suggested they should use a condom so she won't get knocked up with an ATM baby! The reasonable thing to do would've been to call a tow truck, slash his tires, fart on his door handle and then write "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR JUSTIN BIEBER" on his windshield in red paint. That's how a reasonable person handles shit.

And can somebody let this lady know that Omar Sharif would like a picture with her. You can tell her not to mind the line, Omar likes cutters. While you're doing that, I'll start writing Omar's obit.