How Should I Feel?
Out of all the wigs that tried to quit a bitch during Today's ridiculous mess of a Halloween show this morning, why couldn't it have been the dull beaver's ass on top of Al Roker's head?
My nipples have the weirdest hard-on right now and my other parts that usually flutter when Prince Hot Ginge's name comes on my screen are so confused after watching Al Roker as Prince Harry. There is just so many thick layers of HUH?! here. Prince Hot Ginge would never walk into a LensCrafters unless it had a bar of contact lens cases full of vodka, so those glasses on Al Roker's face are historically inaccurate! The top of PHG's head naturally looks like a volcano erupting into an orgasm and so that sad piece of dusty rust carpet on Al's head just isn't going to work. Al looks more like the butch Indian lesbian who sat next to me in 9th grade English and tried to convince me that her ginger hair was all natural and not from a date with Miss Clairol. Bitch totally looks like a Bollywood version of Rojo Caliente.
With all that being said, even though Al Roker makes a terrifying Prince Hot Ginge, it is still my duty to fap to all things Prince Hot Ginge. Today is the day I find out if tears can double as lube.
Here's more from Today overdoing the overdone royal wedding this morning. The cast of messes included Matt Lauer as Prince William, Ann Curry as Kate Middleton, Natalie Morales as Pippa, Savannah Gunthrie as Prince Charles, Hoda & Kathie Lee as Eugenie & Beatrice, the laptop girl from the 4th hour as Posh and Meredith Vieira as Queen Elizabeth.
While a harem of naked ass South American boy toys bathe Madge in a solid gold gilded tub with red panda blood while hand feeding her canary diamonds and burning hundred pound notes in an onyx cauldron because the scent of flaming money feeds her greedy heart, her older brother Anthony Ciccone (seen above with the deflated Flock of Seagulls hair) is begging for coins on the streets of Traverse City, Michigan. The Michigan Messenger was doing a story about Traverse City's homeless shelter and they interviewed 55-year-old Anthony who told them that his multimillionaire Kabbalah queen of a sister has circumcised him from her life forever!
"My family turned their back on me, basically, when I was having a hard time. You think I haven't answered this kind of question a bazillion times -- why my sister is a multibazillionaire, and I'm homeless on the street? Never say never. This could happen to anybody."
Anthony was working at his dad's winery in Michigan a year ago, but he got fired for reasons unknown.
My soul skips a beat at the chance to throw balls of shit at Madge for being a money-hoarding, greedy evil cunt with silicone cheek implants that cost about as much as a trailer house for her homeless brother, but we don't know what's really going on here. Anthony was fired by his own dad. What kind of crazy fucked up do you have to be to get fired by the man who carried you in his nutsack once?
Either Tony is a crackhead fuck up or he just loves hydrangeas. It's probably the latter.
And here's Madge with puff pastry face at the London premiere of her movie W.E. tonight.
When I first read that Sonic Youth's Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore were quitting each other romantically, my first response was to declare for myself that forever true love is a falsity (file that under: words I learned while watching Judge Judy) and we should all spend what's ever left of our lives fucking strangers, eating pie, fucking strangers and banging our heads against the cave wall until the grim reaper chihuahua shows up to lead us to the river that takes us to the afterworld. But you know, Kim and Thursty were married for 27 years. That's two decades and a second grader! That's two and a half Biebers! Many people could not wake up next to the same face for 27 years. Hell, some people can't even wake up with their own faces on, which is why they get totally different faces glued onto their front heads. (I'm not naming any names. Kim Kardashian.)
Kim and Thursty simply want a different flavor of genitals on their tongue. That's all. They passed this break-up statement to E! News and everybody else last night:
"Musicians Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore, married in 1984, are announcing they have separated. Sonic Youth, with both Kim and Thurston involved, will proceed with its South American tour dates in November. Plans beyond that tour are uncertain. The couple has requested respect for their personal privacy and does not wish to issue further comment."
So, that shit also makes it sound like they might be fucking done professionally too. Oh well, 30 years is a long ass time for a band to be together and that is a great accomplishment. Yes, that is my new line for everything. Me to the mirror this afternoon after I eat a Big Mac and 6-piece McNugget: "Oh, Michael don't be so hard on yourself. For the past 6 days, you didn't give in to the wishes of the devil by eating McDonald's. That is a great accomplishment for you. You had a good run.....and now you have the runs."
Because the HERP DERP Vogue cover of Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe wasn't bad enough, here is a tiny peek of her in motion as MM in the preview for Simon Curtis' My Week with Marilyn that also stars Kenneth Branagh (as Laurence Olivier), Judi Dench, Emma Watson, Dominic Cooper, Julia Ormond (as Vivien Leigh) and Eddie Redmayne.
I've seen some shittier Marilyn Monroe impersonations (see: Lindsay Lohan) that really mulches all of the soil at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery and any trick (except Eddie Cibrian) who was in But I'm Not A Cheerleader can do no wrong in my eyes, but it's hard for me to look at this shit and not say, "Grams, come and get this child!"
By the looks of this trailer, Simon should've made Judi and Michelle switch roles. And then he should've taken a sharp switch to those parched bangs on Emma Watson.
Here I was beginning to think that just like mermaids, a sober Lohan and jizzing while getting butt sexed without touching yourself, the Tupac Shakur sex tape was nothing but a myth. But TMZ proved it's a real thing this morning by coughing up a few stills and here's one of them. In the 5 minute long tape, Tupac proves that he would've been a "pat head rub belly" champion by holding a drank and sucking on a blunt while one of his groupies sucked on his down low blunt. Yeeeeeah, I love peen like it's made out of bacon, but I don't know if I want this. But I will give credit where credit is due! No, not to Tupac for his multitasking skills. But to that determined dick sucker.
Sometime in the future she'll gather all her grandchildren around and tell them, "Did you know your grandmother once slurped on the dick of Tupac Shakur while he swayed his hips and danced with his homey and not once did my tooth graze his shaft. Yes, that's why I have that framed 'The Only Trick You'd Want Sucking Your Dick During An Earthquake' certificate hanging in the den."
Prouderest isn't a word, but it will become one to describe the emotions her grandchildren will feel after hearing that historical story.
Because every white actress with a SAG card has to terrorize the image of Marilyn Monroe by playing her, Michelle Williams is playing MM in that My Week with Marilyn movie and here she is in full MM drag on the cover of October's (Happy Halloween!) Vogue. Yes, this is Michelle Williams AS Marilyn Monroe. It's not a still from a Halloween episode of Dawson's Creek where Jen is waiting for Grams to pick her up after Henry dumps her at a costume party or some shit. It's very "Ahs juss sittin' here waitin' for my ride.... durp... durp.... durp... duuuuuuuuuuurp."
Why couldn't they get the other Michelle Williams (from Destiny's Child) to play Marilyn Monroe instead?
This February, the biggest dressing room at the Kodak Theater will be filled with tranny hookers and fat suits a plenty, because Eddie Murphy is going to host the 84th annual Oscar awards. Brett Ratner, who is producing that shit, made it official in a statement to Deadline:
"Eddie is a comedic genius, one of the greatest and most influential live performers ever. With his love of movies, history of crafting unforgettable characters and his iconic performances -- especially on stage -- I know he will bring excitement, spontaneity and tremendous heart to the show Don and I want to produce in February."
The last time Eddie was at the Oscars, he flew into a full-on dramatic cunt queen tantrum complete with chapped ass when he lost to Alan Arkin, so this is the perfect choice!
Here's hoping that Brett Ratner finds a way to resurrect "Raw" Eddie Murphy or asks Ricky Gervais to fill Eddie with some of that "not trying to give a fuck" attitude. But you know, if Eddie told every one of his "jokes" from Meet Dave while wearing a fat lady suit as a choir of animals from Doctor Doolittle hummed out Party All The Time, it would still be more entertaining than the unflavored skid mark that James Franco and Anne Hathaway scooted across the stage at the last Oscars. Actually, Eddie better open with the Doctor Doolittle animals singing Party All The Time.
Over at UsWeekly, they have pictures of the struttin' Canadian Magic Kingdom we know as Ryan Gosling "canoodling" with Eva Mendes at Disneyland on Saturday night. Ryan and Eva are currently shooting that movie together where he plays a death eater trash version of Draco Malfoy who left the wizard world to work as a house painter by day and a scooter racer by weekend (see above). A source type says that Eva and Ryan have always been friends, but now that she's single and they're working together, their fuck parts are really heating up for each other. And they made that shit perfectly clear at Disneyland.
Yes, Ryan is still hard up on Disneyland the same way your lady nipples are hard up for him. I swear, if Ryan told me he wanted to take me to the happiest place on earth for some churro eatin', I'd be throwing a pissed look as soon as he got off on Katella Blvd. from the 57 freeway. Nothing kills a boner like the sight of Katella Blvd. UsWeekly had this to say about Ryan's latest union:
"They were very playful. Eva was skipping around like a little girl...She would lean into him and she held his arm the entire time."
And the sexy twosome did Disneyland right -- riding the Toy Story ride, the California Screamin' rollercoaster, a Little Mermaid adventure and the ferris wheel, snacking on churros, cotton candy and corn on the cob. "She fed him," the onlooker says.
When the hipster maple leaf wants to really make a lady feel special, he takes her to anywhere but Disneyland since he takes all of his tricks there. BlakeLivelyOliviaWildeRachelMcAdamsKikiDunstetc.. They've all held his hand as the Toy Story ride attendant said to him "Why hello there, Mr. Gosling. Right this way to your favorite car. You prefer the yellow cannon, am I correct?"
If Ryan ever asks you out on a date, just ask him for the Fast Pass into his pants so you can bypass all that wooing at Disneyland shit.
The entire soul of the Internet dropped lower than the DOW late last night when Warner Bros. pushed out the first picture of Anne Hathaway as "Selina Kyle" from The Dark Knight Rises. If you told me that Anne was chasing a dog with Ricky Gervais voice and Joel McHale, I wouldn't accuse you of lie telling, because this shit looks straight out of Spy Kids 4. This shit looks like it belongs on LOLCats.
You know, when they first announced Anne as Catwoman (or as "Selina Kyle" as they keep calling her ass), I thought it was a little ironic that they'd cast a chick who looks like a lab mouse that got injected with the blood of Cesar Romero, but I told myself that Christopher Nolan knows what he's doing (But probably not. I mean, casting Katie Holmes AND Maggie Gyllenhaal?). I'm going to file my rage away until the first picture of Anne in her full Catwoman drag comes out, because this cannot be it. This is just Selina Kyle driving to Radio Shack to buy a new charger for her Bluetooth eye set. In the meantime.....
We must NEVER forget this:
We must also NEVER forget this:
And we must NEVER forget to completely forget this:
Above is the teaser trailer for The Irony Lady, which sadly isn't about Tony Stark's Russian cleaning lady who becomes an accidental crime-fighting heroine when she falls into the Iron Man suit while cleaning the crotch of it with Windex. No, this is about Margaret Thatcher's story or some shit.
Meryl Streep could get a paper bag an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor just by acting out of it, but in this trailer she looks like she has the inner mechanical workings of a Teddy Ruxpin doll. It's very Teddy Ruxpin as Joan Crawford. That being said, she'll still get an Oscar nom and we'll all scream out about the injustices in the world when she loses to MilaKunisRooneyMaraAnneHathaway, because the Academy likes their Best Actress winners the same way a power top pig likes his man holes: young, pretty and hammy.