Dumbasses

At Mel Gibson's Holy Family Chapel in Agoura Hills, CA, he is God, Jesus and all of the saints rolled into one. What Mel says goes. That means Mel gets to pick and choose who sits next to his drunk ass in the pews.

Radar Online reports that Mel is making all new parishioners fill out an application and go through a security check before he offers you an invitation to join his church. Apparently, Mel is paranoid about hos blabbing about his holy ramblings to the media.

The one-page application states that it "must be accepted by security in order to gain admittance" and that it's "not open for negotiation by guests/attendees." It also adds that membership can be revoked at any time for any reason.

You know, I kind of understand why Mel is pulling this fuckery. It's a privilege to "pray" with Mel. His church is probably a non-stop party and who doesn't get tingly for a party? The holy water is spiked with top-shelf vodka, the communion wafers have been soaked in rum, and Jesus' blood comes in your choice of white, red or sparkling wine.

And the seventh commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," has been replaced with, "Thou Shalt Party With Your Peen Out." So I totally see where Mel is coming from.

Don't go running through the streets shouting "FINALLY! PRAISE JESUS" just yet, because this shit is faker than Brooke Hogan's rubber vagina. Sorry to break your heart like that.

At a press conference for Hulkmania in Australia, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair got into a brawl which ended in tomato sauce being shed. Bitches are so dramatic.

Either the McDonald's ketchup packet hidden under Hulk's bandanna popped at the right time or he pulled a Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler by taking a razor to his head. Bitch should've taken a razor to that peroxide weave of fug instead.

In real-life, Hulk could destroy Ric just by flashing one of his roidy-filled veins at him. Shit, I think most of us could win in a battle against Ric. Look at that pepaw! All we would have to do is distract him by throwing a warm compress in the corner or dangle a bag of Metamucil chips in front of him.

Remember when Shayna Lameass called The Empress of Lucite "pure trash"? Just pretend you do and nod your head yes. Well, look who is the piece of trash now! Garbage day is now on Sunday, because this bitch Shayna Lamas got arrested for DUI.

TMZ, Radar, Penny Saver or Craigslist Missed Connections didn't break the story. No, they didn't want to spend their Saturday night Googling to find out who the hell Shayne Lamas is. Instead Shayne told E! (the network her reality show airs on) about the incident and issued her own prepared statement:

"Early Saturday morning, after consuming one drink, I willingly drove through a mandatory check point on my way home with complete confidence of passing. However, the breathalyzer indicated that I was over the legal limit of blood alcohol content and was arrested onsite. I take full responsibility for my lack of judgment. I have always strived to be a role model for my friends, family and fans and have never nor will ever condone drinking and driving. I apologize for all those I have disappointed, including myself."

I just went in to the next room to ask my ceiling fan if he knew who this trick was and the bitch gave me the silent treatment. So I will take that as a big NO. Obviously, Shayne is still drunk off of that one famewhore-tini, because she's talking foolishness with that "role model for my fans" shit.

While Michael Lohan continues to pull secret recorded audio tapes out of his ass (a trick he learned in prison), White Oprah has ordered her attorneys, The Law Offices of Harvey Birdman, to stomp over to the Nassau County District Attorney's office. White Oprah believes that Michael Lohan broke a protective order by recording their telephone conversations.

TMZ reports that in 2005, a judge granted White Oprah a protective order against Michael Lohan, which stated that he cannot contact her by phone or e-mail until 2011. One of the tapes starring White Oprah was recorded in 2008, so Michael obviously said "fuck you" to the order. Michael could be sent back to a prison cell if he's convicted of shitting on the rules.

Don't get me wrong (even though I am all kinds of wrong), Michael Lohan should be licking butt sex gravy off of his cellmate's dick in prison, but what about White Oprah. Didn't she also bust through that protective order by picking up the phone or dialing Michael's number? They need to throw White Oprah's turkey jerky ass into Michael Lohan's cell. Those two skanks deserve each other. Let them eat each other alive.

Now I have an image of them simultaneously butt munching on each other. Why do I hate myself so much?

And for Michael Lohan's sake, I hope prison jumpsuits come with fancy turtlenecks.

Miss Tits4Jesus herself, Carrie Prejean, ventured into Larry King's crypt last night to talk about her book and to tell him how inappropriate he is. Yes, Carrie thought Larry was very inappropriate for asking her simple questions about her settlement agreement with Miss California and that little solo fuck tape she made a couple of years ago. Carrie was not amused and attempted to storm off, but failed miserably at it.

There's many reasons why Carrie needs a gay in her life, but her STORM OFF FAIL really got to me. If she had a main gay by her side, he would have taught her how to storm off properly thanks to Dynasty and other prime-time soap operas. Carrie just needed to look into the camera and calmly say, "LARRY KING (dramatic pause) I will destroy YOUR (dramatic pause) LIFE." Then she should have flipped her, whipped off her mic in one easy swoop, gracefully slid out of her chair, hiked up her titties, thrown one last shank eye into the camera and then strutted off like there's a hard 9-inch peen waiting for her in the wings. END SCENE.

You don't fumble with your mic and awkwardly sit there with a smile like a polite 4-year-old waiting for a juice box. Embarrassing! DO IT BIG, or don't do it all. How dreadful.

And Larry King's snappy satin suspenders gave me FEVER. Maybe that's the real reason why Carrie tried to bounce out of there. She just couldn't handle the heat radiating off of Larry's sexy suspenders.

Jon Gosselin has jumped on this side of the fence to laugh and point at his acts of douchery with the rest of us. Yeah, I don't remember sending him an Evite. Do you?

In this parody from Funny or Die, Jon performs a doucheorcism on himself by dumping Michael Lohan, Ed Hardy and his gutter tramp hos. Unfortunately, the video doesn't end with Jon sacrificing himself to Kate's number one fans: the rabid possums of the forest. It does have a terrifying ending though. I don't appreciate that. Especially since I've always been afraid of flaming tampons.

This might be the first time in the history of forever that I actually wished I was watching Cher's ass cheeks jiggling around on a battleship. So thanks, Jon.

Finally somebody has told Joe "Bitch Better Have My Money" Jackson to go play with a metal fork and a wall socket in the corner. TMZ reports that a Los Angeles judge has told Joe that he needs to get back out on the streets with the other pimps, because Michael Jackson's estate will not deposit an allowance into his checking account every month.

Last week, Joe filed papers requesting a piece of Michael Jackson's estate. Joe whined about how his expenses are more than $15,000 a month and Michael used to help him out when he was alive. Well, the judge threw that shit out in the back and told Joe he has no legal right to that cash.

Don't you shed a tear for Joe, I'm sure he'll find a way to keep his pockets full of dollars. Maybe the Haunted House at Disneyland will hire him to scare the dick off of bitches. Who needs an animatronic devil when you've got Joe Jackson? Satan would hire Joe to do some of his dirty work here on earth, but even he's afraid of his ass! Joe has got Satan running off in fear.

When I heard Mimi was HOsting her own Halloween party in NYC, I figured she would go dressed as a slutty butterfly, a slutty rainbow, a slutty unicorn taxidermy, a slutty Hello Kitty, a slutty Eminem, or a slutty Precious. But Mimi really flipped the world upside down by stuffing her glazed ham hocks and buttermilk biscuits into a slutty angel costume. Such a shapeshifter, that Mimi!

And Mimi's bought-and-paid-for husband really outdid himself by going as one of The Empress of Lucite's vagina drops. Yes, Shauna Sand's lady jizz has angels wings and everything.

Meanwhile, in L.A., Wonky went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party dressed up as a slutty slut slut slut slut slut. You know, wearing Liberace's rhinestone shoe horn on her forehead only points out the brutal fact that one of her eyes is constantly suffering from jizz squint.

And it was a little weird that Doug Reinhardt didn't dress up. He must have gotten his fill the night before.

If the first thing you saw in the morning were two paintings of A-Roidy as a Centaur, you'd probably crawl back under your sheets and pray that the end is swift and painless. When A-Roidy wakes up and sees himself as a Centaur, he creams his sheets (smells like pimple jizz, Jeter saliva and protein dust). That's what one of his exes claims anyway. She told UsWeekly that A-Roidy has two special works of FART of himself hanging over his bed in his boudoir.

She said, "He was so vain. He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure? It was ridiculous."

This is ridiculous and hilarious at the same time. Dude is like a skeezy pimp character that Krissy Snow dated on Three's Company.

A-Roidy probably didn't stop with the paintings either. I'm sure he has satin bed sheets of him as an angel carrying a baby A-rod. And a fur throw made from his pubic hairs. You also know he has those touch lamps from the 80s that feature his face in stained glass. And don't get me started on his bathroom. Doesn't an A-Roidy toilet seem so fitting?

Dear Bronx Mowgli, now is your chance to file emancipation. There's not one judge in all the land that won't rule in your favor once you crawl up to the bench and hand them this picture as EXHIBIT ALL OF THE ABOVE!

Pete Wentz lost a bet to Gabriel Saporta (of Cobra Starship) last night which cost him space on his arm. Yes, Pete got Gabriel's face tattooed on his person. Pete explained his new skidmark on his Twitter:

my head hurts. i was buzzed lightyear last night. followed thru on a gentlemens bet w/@gabrielsaporta now i have 1 more bad tattoo.

We've all made some bad decisions in life while booze was running through our system. We have the bruises and babies to prove it, but don't ever ever put the blame on the sweet nectar of the gods. Why does delicious alcohol always take the fall for natural fuckery?

And I might be a little drunk myself since I laughed at "buzzed lightyear." Ugh. There I go blaming the booze.

P.S. - Go ahead and file this picture under: Why The Fuck Do You Have a Kid?

VIA ONTD