Courtney Love

Courtney Love gave an interview to The Fix about drug addiction and sobriety, and it's pretty what you would expect from a Courtney Love interview about drug addiction and sobriety. Courtney Love is an enigma marinated in dirty crack pipe water, wrapped in peyote skin, cooked on a plate of hot Adderall pills and served on the tongue of a mental hospital patient in a strait jacket. This is why Courtney gives a good interview! Bitch's brain is like a Whac-A-Mole of thoughts.

Before Courtney talked about being sober, she nursed a beer and then pointed to a bag of meds next to her bed (prescribed by a VERY reputable doctor, thankyouverymuch). And then Court got into it. Here's a few choice quotes:

On how she recommends this crazy tea she's never drank before: "You couldn’t pay me a billion dollars to take marijuana. I don’t really like coke anymore. I’m scared of ecstasy. The one drug I'd like to try one day is Ayahuasca, which should be mandatory for everybody. It’s apparently this crazy tea that gives you these intense hallucinations. Everyone who takes it sees a wise old black man who takes you on a wild journey. I’m not going to name names, but everyone who takes it sees the same black guy. I'm not kidding you. Everyone! 
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On how the wise old black man you see is not Morgan Freeman: "Shut up! No! My drug counselor did Ayahuasca with Sting one time and Sting spent an hour chasing a bee through Joshua Tree. I didn’t join in because losing control is not my jam. The few times I’ve been really drunk, I was plastered on tequila, which is no fun at all. One of those times was at the M.T.V. Awards, when I nearly fell on the floor because I took so many benzos.

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On how she's the Virgin Mary of drugs and almost every celebrity is an addict: "You know what's funny? People in the flyover states tend to think that all the celebrities on both coasts are constantly high. They think that we're all on some uber-drug. But the thing is, they're kind of right. But somehow most of them manage to function, more or less. The biggest celebrities and movers and shakers I know are also some of the worst alcoholics and drug addicts. But you'd never know it by looking at them. Now that I’m trying to stay sober, I try my best to stay away from that crowd, but it’s not always easy. These days, I’m very virginal when it comes to drugs."

On how not doing the bad shit has turned her into a nympho slut who thinks sex is overrated: "Yeah. After I stopped doing drugs I started to fuck like a bunny.... I had this Norma Desmond moment, I guess. I started sleeping with this dude who wasn’t so great, and then I hooked up with another dude who was in an open marriage, but he wasn’t so great, either. I'm a very sexual person, but in general, I think sex is kind of overrated. Most of the guys I sleep with have tended to be actors and musicians and directors. And they tend to be lousy lays. "

On how she wants to be a trophy piece: "Actually, these days I’m only interested in plutocrats. Like really, really rich guys. I’m determined to land one sooner or later. My favorite book these days is something called The Official Filthy Rich Handbook, which I study like the Talmud. The thing is, I think I can be a real asset to a wealthy man. I’ve always been a great girlfriend, but until recently I’ve struggled to stay single, because I had never been without a boyfriend before. It’s just my nature to couple up. I’m not saying that I’m completely monogamous—I’m too much of a libertine for that. But I’ve always craved real relationships."

On if her rock bottom was when she let a stranger suck on her tit for the cameras: "No, my bottom was snorting blow up Pamela Anderson’s ass! [laughs] Actually my real bottom was buying my pharmacists on both coasts wide-screen plasma TVs for Christmas!

The Pam Anderson roast on VH1 wasn’t a great moment for me, either. I was a mess. I had lipstick smeared all over my face. I was doped and dazed. I may have even been drooling. But it’s all Andy Dick’s fault, really. He handed me a pill right before the show and said, 'Courtney, take this, it’s like Vicodin without the aspirin.' It fucked me up bad. Winona Ryder slipped me a similar pill a few months earlier. I’m such an addict that I just swallowed them both, without asking what they were. So thanks to Andy Dick I ended up accidentally getting addicted to benzos, which went on to plague my life."

On rehab scholarships: "I spent 90 days at this ritzy rehab called Beau Monde. They accepted me on a scholarship basis, because I seriously had no money at the time."

On how ScarJo should play her in a movie: "A few months ago, at a party in Hollywood, Scarlett Johansson did a pretty spot-on imitation of me. She wrapped a bandage around her boobs and tumbled down a flight of stairs with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hands. But the truth is I’ve never had a drop of Jack Daniels. I hate the taste of hard alcohol. What I really like is wine."

On Dr. Drew: "I mean, I wouldn’t want to end up at Dr. Drew’s place. He’s such a phony, that guy."

Drinking beer.... Popping pills.... Talking about how she's craving hallucinogenic tea... Yup, this crazy bitch is completely 100% sober, DOCTOR!

By the way, do you think they sell that crazy tea at Starbucks, because I really need to spend some quality time with an old wise black man (played by George Clinton, preferably).

Many, many, many breakdowns ago during Courtney Love's "lucid movie star"phase, she dated Edward Norton and said that he saved her life. Courtney also later said that he stole $300,000 from her (Court would sue a bodega ATM if the courts would accept her case, so nothing became of that case). And now after hearing that Edward is engaged to his girlfriend, Courtney is saying that it's about time a woman make an honest man out of him and he better start making babies before his sperm fish dehydrate and turn into jizz jerky.

At a screening for Meek's Cutoff in NYC, Page Six told Court about Ed's engagement news and she said, "Wow, it's about time. He's 41, they've been together for six years. He needs to have babies. I wonder what kind of ring he got her? He bought me a ruby. He has great character. He's very political. I see him being a senator one day."

The dealer who traded a fanny pack full of 8-balls for Courtney's ruby now knows the story behind his favorite pinky ring.

And here's Courtney with Eric and Melissa from Hole at a screening for Hit So Hard at the MOMA in NYC the other night. Courtney might look like a Victorian ghost from crackheads past who stole a dwarf's ears, but I've seen her look worse....so yay.

As I delete every "you're a coke whore cunt thief" comment I've ever made on Twitter, Courtney Love is frantically checking under sofa cushions, grabbing at the change return slot on payphones, and answering every pyramid scheme ad published on the PennySaver, because she has just settled a defamation lawsuit for $430,000. Frances Bean better change the numbers to her EVERYTHING, because Courtney is about to put on her "woe is me" voice and call her up for loan.

It all started back in 2009 when Courtney and clothing store owner Dawn Simorangkir got into a fight over $4,000 worth of custom clothing that shampoo's greatest enemy refused to pay for. Courtney then tried to destroy Dawn by melting her brain cells with one of her signature Twitter rants. In the span of about 20 minutes, Courtney called Dawn an "asswipe nasty lying hosebag thief" and a "coke whore." Most of us would send Courtney a moth ball bouquet as a thank you for calling us the names we long to hear, but Dawn didn't see it that way. Dawn sued that bitch for trying to ruin her business in 140 characters or less. Courtney used the "it's just my opinion" reason and the two were all set to battle it out in a court room last month. But the trial date was postponed when both of their lawyers said that they were hoping to settle it out of court. Well, they did!

Dawn's attorney confirms to The Hollywood Reporter that Courtney will pay her $430,000 in a series of payments starting now and ending in 2014. He said, "The amount of the settlement says it all. Her reprehensible defamatory comments were completely false and $430,000 is quite a significant way to say I am sorry. One would hope that, given this disaster, restraint of pen, tongue and tweet would guide Ms. Love’s future conduct.”

Court's attorney said that it's a "modest settlement" and they're all happy to have it behind them.

WAIT. So Courtney is going to pay Dawn over the course of 3 years?! Somebody please put a camera on Dawn when she opens up a payment envelope from Courtney that contains finger nail dirt, cigarette butts and rolled up Monopoly money.

You know, maybe all of us should file a class action lawsuit against Courtney for harassing our eyes with the Jabba the Taint picture she posted last year. My retinas are still in psychical therapy over that.

And I don't know if the ghost of Kurt Cobain is weeping or clapping at the fact that his "Rape Me" money is paying off Court's fuckery moves.

When Courtney Love gets steam cleaned, wrapped in fresh skin and dipped in an extra potent Silkwood BATH, she actually looks...dare I type...pretty (?). I always think that the word "pretty" is going to turn ugly and devour Courtney Love's name whenever they're in the same sentence together, but it never happens! A freshly laundered Courtney Love posing like a refined swan on the Elle Style Awards in London last night makes you temporarily not think about how she probably stumbled into the men's room at the end of the night, hiked up her gown and tried to aim for the urinal but ended up giving everyone a golden shower floor show. The bathroom attendant shooed her messy ass away by spraying her with a mixture of Clorox and holy water. They knew Court was coming so they prepared for that shit.

But let's not think about that. Let's just be grateful that last night was one of the few days of the year where Courtney Love didn't look like she nibbles pigeon bones and licks rocks under a highway overpass. I'll even forgive her for skinning and wearing Fizzgig's family members.

No, this is not a picture of Courtney Love assuming the position for a TSA pat down at the airport. It's Courtney Love once again abusing an innocent chair by posing on top of it with her bare ham hocks out! The rusty wooden barrel that holds memories in Courtney's brain must have burned down again, because a couple of months ago she kissed goodbye to Twatter after she accidentally singed our retinas when she posted a half-nekkid pictures of herself. And now she's back to putting her parts on display. Something tells me that the center of your dinner table is going to look just like this at Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. I bet she queefs stale Stove Top.

Okay, I need to stop and you need to see the full version of this mess. Make the sign of the cross before you jump, because CLove is bringing religious ceremony into this. JUMP!

Supposedly, Courtney Love's financial situation is about as messy as the back of Tommy Girl's silk chonies when Beck's name comes up on his caller ID, so how did she queef up thousands of dollars at the Peace and Justice auction in NYC on Friday night?! Page Six says that not only did Court buy a walk-on role in Paul Haggis' next movie, but she also put down $17,000 to have tea with the lusciously gorgeous afghan hound known as Adrien Brody.

Did Courtney pay for that shit using dozens of prepaid credit cards she came across during her crawls through the gutter? Or did she sell one of her organs to a group of scientists who want to know how she's lived so long on a diet consisting only of nicotine particles, under nail dirt, (insert the name of every and any narcotic) and the dust bunnies that fly off her keyboard when she busts out a Twatter rant. Can't say I blame her, because I'd Aron Ralston one of my arms to watch Adrien Brody dip his tea bags.

Apparently, so will Gerard Butler. One of Page Six's sources say that he and Court got into a major bidding war over a tea date with Adrien.

Adrien is probably going to wish that The Butler won that battle when Courtney asks him to feed her a piece of his dickscotti. And for $17,000, the crazy bitch has every right to ask!

Courtney Love has been so well behaved lately (okay, for like a week) and frankly I've been worried about her, so it warms the factory defected hot plate known as my soul to see her pulling her old tricks out of her bag. You know, I'd rather Courtney use that finger to type out a profound Facebook rant that turns my brains into the consistency of creamed salmon, but this is still a win on all levels.

While shopping for stuff in West Hollywood yesterday, Courtney flipped off the paps and then delivered a real "fuck you in the face" when she bent over and revealed her her Styrofoam plate of parmesan chicken cutlets (no relation to you know who).

And later in the night, Court washed her pits with a towelette from El Pollo Loco to attend the amFAR Gala at Chateau Marmont. Yes, Court sort of looks like a wax statute of Madge made from dollar store tea lights and the box of birthday candles your mom uses every single year, but I still think she's looking good (written while completely sober...maybe that's the problem).

Russell Simmons and Courtney Love are supposedly friends. You know, he OMs OMs OMs into the sky on a yoga mat while kissing the sun with his spirit animal (or whatever) and Courtney sits in the corner having a serious conversation with a hallowed Buddha statue about how she believes aliens abducted her real daughter and replaced her with an impostor (yes, Court thinks Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a documentary).

Even though Russell and Courtney have no problem touching nipples when they kiss on both cheeks in public, he still thinks the inside of her head looks like the community vom bin in a crack house. When Page Six asked Russell what he thought about Court Tweeting her crime scene nekkidness, he said:

"I think she is a sweet girl . . . It's probably exciting to be a crackhead, I wouldn't say I was a crackhead but I did smoke a lot of crack. I had fun smoking a lot of angel dust . . . Right now I'm a monk. I'm boring, I'm on a green juice fast at this moment so I'm a little high now. I had a double shot of ginger, which makes you a little flighty."

Now we have an explanation for Russell's marriage to Kimora.

And when Page Six told Courtney about what Russell said, she responded with:

"I'm fairly insulted that he associates me with that drug. What does that mean?"

It means you always act like a fucking crackhead. Damn. It's like we have to spell it out for her in crack smoke signals.

I love it on Cops when the officer tells the crackhead that they are acting kind of high and the crackhead says something like, "What do you mean I'm acting high? What do you mean I have the shakes? What do you mean my breath smells like death farted on my tonsils? What do you mean? What do you mean?" One of the first signs that you're dealing with a crackhead is a severe case of defensiveness.

But in all seriousness, Court has every right to feel insulted about being associated with that drug. Crack is whack. Now if Russell called her a cokehead or a Lokohead, that would be different.

HAHAHA. So remember that half-nekkid picture of herself Courtney Love Tweeted this past weekend? The picture that looked like a still out of any CSI "dead hooker" episode? The picture that made you step into a church for the first time in years to marinate your skull in a bowl of blessed holy water while asking the lord above to forgive you for whatever sins you may have committed (aka stealing someone's Coke from the office refrigerator without saying shit)? Well, Courtney Love has turned in her resignation letter over that picture and will never speak to the Twitter bird again:

I'm off twitter, that photo was meant for a boy friend
about 7 hours ago via web

So Courtney Love meant to send that privately to "a boy friend" but accidentally Twatted it to the entire internet world instead? It's an honest mistake. Just like it's an honest mistake when Courtney pisses on an ottoman thinking it's a toilet and talks into a dog's ass thinking it's a cell phone.

I swear, this kind of mess only happens to Courtney Love and an internet-challenged mom. Eff me. Did I just type an "internet-challenged mom"? I'll never click on my mom's e-mails the same way again. I'm quitting my inbox.

No Zhu Jianqiang jokes allowed! In her bid to knock the honey glazed ham of elegance named CoCo off her throne as the Twitter Pic Queen, Courtney Love gave her followers a serving of her almost bare body (smells like Glenn Danzig's kitty litter, formaldehyde, crime scene tape, an ash tray full of rain water, Carpet Fresh, boiled turkey dogs and rancid tapioca).

Because Court looks like a Craigslist call girl (you can't stop them) passed out in a chair at the Ramada Inn after her last job of the day, the point goes to her!

Courtney: 1, Coco: 2,345,798. You're almost catching up, Court!

via HuffPo