Courtney Love

Mickey Rourke laid down his response to those rumors that he's rubbing surgery scars with Courtney Love. While leaving some joint in NYC last night, Mickey said, “I’d rather be on a deserted island with a gorilla.”

This prompted every gorilla in the world to hit up their local wig shop, buy the rattiest blonde mop in the store, learn how to slur through every Hole song, develop an addiction to OxyContin and start a MySpace page where they will randomly rant about how everyone is stealing money from their asses. They need to do this shit in order to throw Mickey off their trail.

Here's the gorilla fucker in the most precious velvet slippers ever with his forever bff Loki in NYC yesterday afternoon.

A couple that butchers their face together, stays together. That's always been my motto and that's why I think Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love make sense as a couple.

The Daily Mirror says that Loki's daddy and crazy's favorite customer have been licking on each other's surgery scars for the past three weeks. A source said, “Mickey texted Courtney totally out of the blue, around the time of the Golden Globes, asking to take her out for the night. They met up in secret and had an awesome evening. Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek."

I bet watching them fuck is like watching a hot dog slowly explode in the microwave.

But I'm sure they understand each other like no on else can. When his face spontaneously falls off the bone, Courtney will know exactly how to put it back on. When Mickey's asshole dries up and dies when Courtney is tossing his salad, they will just laugh it off together. When Mickey's jizz load refuses to come out because it's scared of the fugness, Courtney will understand. All these things have happened to them before, so they already know each other. That's true love.

Just as long as they don't spawn. Don't fucking spawn. If Eric Stolz in Mask still gives you night terrors, then pray to the Baby Jesus for strength, because a Courkey baby will make your stomach jump out of your body, run to the kitchen, grab a knife and poke your eyes out to stop the pain.

Here's Loki's new stepmommy, the Queen of Disaster, trolling around in London lst night.

Oh, Courtney Love really did try to bring the sexiness at the Elle Style Awards in London tonight, but then she kind of turned around and brought sexy back fat instead. I just want to rush over to her, lift up that skin with my fingers and Gorilla Glue it in place. If that didn't work, I'd just throw a blanket on her and rush her off. That shit just doesn't go with that dress. But I bet that bitch's loose skin fat can whistle a mean "Smells Like Teen Spirit" when Courtney shakes her back.

And it's time for Courtney to go in and get her nostrils lubed up and rotated. They are looking a little wonkafied. It seems that the last doctor done effed her up or maybe she's had too many dicks in there. We're all guilty of the latter. Hey, sometimes the other holes get boring and you just want to smell a bitch cumming.

Courtney Love's Malibu shopping outfit is making my eyeballs go in opposite directions, but it probably makes total sense to her. It's like she's wearing one of her blog posts. When I was a lil' homo, this is the kind of shit I would put together in my mom's garage using her old disco dresses, my sister's tap dancing outfits and my abuelita's fake jewelry. Just like Courtney, I too looked like a beat down Knott's Berry farm waitress with a bad Dilaudid addiction (shout out to Brittany from Interevention).

I just did something very dangerous. Even the government warns against doing this. I just tried to read one of Courtney Love's blogs in a completely sober state. I feel like I need cuddle from a Pound Puppy to comfort me after attempting to read the whole thing. It's like trying to read spam. It makes no sense and you feel like you're committing some sort of crime by reading it.

There really needs to be a game show that challenges contestants to decipher Courtney Love's crack rants. It can be hosted by Joaquin Phoenix, because Courtney Love is speaking his thoughts.

You know, I'm trying to summarize this shit, but I don't think it's even possible! Especially since it's not even 7:30am in California. My one brain cell has called mercy.

I see the words "Kelly Ripa" along with a bunch of numbers and this sentence: "NOW FOR THE RECORD I HAVENT TAKEN A NARCOTIC OR HAD ANY ALCHOHOL FOR NPW OVER FIVE YEARS." If that shit is true, then it's probably a good time to go back to the crack.

Let's see if you can do any better. Court's entire post is after the jump. You might want to down a shot of something strong, like battery acid, before you start reading it. JUMP TO YOUR BRAIN'S DEATH!!!!

I'm sitting here sipping on some Asti like a real classy lady and catching up on all the shit I missed yesterday. I am so fucking glad I'm reading Courtney Love's latest crazy rant while riding on an Asti bubble, because it's so much more entertaining. Seriously, you would think I was watching a monkey washing a cat. This is some standing ovation shit!

Crack's finest customer spent her Christmas Eve morning going off on Kim Kardassian's brother, Rob. Court's full rant will make your eyes cross permanently if you're sober, so let me just sum it up for you. Basically, Court thinks Rob is a big gay hater, because he allegedly punched out her employee outside of Hyde in September and called him a fag. Here's a just small fix from Court's crazy party. Again, if you're sober, sip on some Listerine or rubbing alcohol before you read this shit:

Rob Kardashian the son of the discgr3aceful Robert Kardashian who represented a cold blooded murderer and made lots and lots of money..well rob jr cold socked and punched my employee right in his face for no reason and broke his nose after my GUY was hanging out with his pal Brody Jenner one night outside hyde lounge closed, then right after yelling the words "FAGGOT FAGGOT FAGGOT!" Rob JR punched my guys in the face. My guy has 3 witnesses who saw rob jump out of the SUV and because of the fact that he works for me, a woman of power, you broke his nose and caused blood to shed, well lets fast forward shall we...the guy who works for me did not file a police report that night cause he did not need tmz's camera's outside this trendy nightclub to cause any more FUCKERY to what was suppose to be a birthday celebration, instead he came back to LAPD later and they told him to fold up his police report into a origami and hang it on his door.

If you're hanging out with that douche Brody Jenner, you deserve to get fisted in the face. And I loved that she called herself a "woman of power!" It's almost better than "businesswoman."

Court goes on to invite Rob to a night of dancing with homos, playing with make-up and ending with a little butt fuck fun with a plantain. Court is describing my New Year's evening to a fucking T. Well, except for the plantain part. I like my plantains fried, not mashed.

Kim, being the mega famewhore that she is, jumped right on this mess and responded to Court's shit on her own website. Kim wrote, "This is TOTALLY FALSE! A lot of what she wrote doesn’t even make much sense and doesn’t follow a clear train of thought... At one point she says Brody was there too and that someone yelled discriminatory expletives against gay people, but I honestly can’t figure out who she is accusing because her writing is so bad."

Kim needs to drink a full bottle of Asti and read that shit again, because I clapped at the end. I would love to watch Kim read Courtney's blog. You know her head almost popped off. Bitch probably couldn't complete the Dick and Jane books, because that shit was too complex for her, so Court's rant probably made her hair sweat.

I'm totally on Team Crazy, because if you get on her good side, she might let you pick something out of her "goody bag."

While most of you were spending your Sunday at church (HA!), Courtney Love was furiously posting 60 posts on her MySpace Blog. 60 posts in a matter of just a few hours. This is why doing meth while blogging is never a good idea. Actually, this is why doing meth if your name is Courtney Love isn't a good idea.

CLove accuses her housekeeper, Miriam Torres, of stealing a shit load of her precious designer clothes. She went to Style.com and posted links from fashion shows of every single piece that was allegedly taken from her with a description. Crackie Love also accuses Miriam of taking millions of dollars from her. She writes, "Miriams a cow who is into black magic and took all she could."

How many times do you think she's fallen for that Nigerian businessman scam?

I barely got through half of it, because my brains started to crave meth after reading just a few of her entries. I'm surprised everybody around CLove isn't on some kind of hardcore drug. It's the only way to deal with her insanity.

Court's mood also goes from "suicidal depression in the midst of opulence" to "Krimping."

You can read the whole thing for yourself here. It's fucked. This is what happens when OCD, meth, CLove and a MacBook collide in a bad, bad way. Somebody take the internet away from her.

VIA The London Paper

Courtney Love blogged about Prop 8 the other day and it sounded like she was thrilled that it passed, but she wasn't. She was just explaining that some bitches were "confuseded" about the confusing language. And in doing so, she confused me. In another friends-only blog, Court explained herself:

prop 8
Current mood: apoplectic

oh you pretty things!
i voted NO against prop 8 !!!! the kids outside were there to clarify that the language was indeed confusing, and so by the way it was, i think its possible alot of people voting YES on prop 8 thought they were voting AGAINST it
I AM NOT ONE OF THEM
and oer the Huffington Post
ARianna knows me, she knows i am an intelligent and refined woman as anyone who knows me knows...

She called me purdy! And it looks like Court has been toking and dictionary reading again. She used the words apoplectic and refined! I had to jump over to the dictionary to look up the word refined to make sure we are all on the same page. Refined: having or showing well-bred feeling, taste, etc.: freed from impurities.

HA! She hasn't been free of impurities since the 60s! But I do like the fact that she used the word. We should all start calling ourselves "refined women." Refined is the new elegant.

Just one blog post on the subject wasn't enough for Court, so she posted another one:

clarity
Current mood: anal plug

i voted AGAINST proposition 8. i want there to be gay marriage rights passionately.
clear?

shall i dress up a giant butt plug and march ? cos if i have time i dammed well will.

I thought I was the only one who had anal plug moods. And Court, I would vote against dressing up as a butt plug unless you want Tommy Girl to swallow you with his hungry hole. Actually, that might not be such a bad thing.

Source: Campaign Silo

Courtney Love is the reason why Prop 8 passed! Or "soemthin." In a friends-only blog, confusing Court sounds like she's happy about the ban on gay marriage. But she's obviously just confused about the confusing Prop 8.

blown away
Current mood: bouncy

That prop 8 passsed! motherfuckers! who voted against it!
it was confusing language in malibu there were kids reminding us to vote yes thatthe language was conbfusing and people were votingno when they meant yes or soemthin

And now I'm confused! Oh, Court. Pill-popping and blogging is a skill that requires hours upon hours of practice before you're ready to actually hit the "publish" button.

Court's "current mood" explains the entire post for me. I usually feel bouncy in the head too after chasing a few old Darvocet pills with a Smirnoff Ice and vodka.

Seriously, I think a lot of bitches were confused. I heard that some bitches voted for it thinking they were voting yes on gay marriage. Oops....

Here's a screenshot of Court's confusing entry.

VIA Huffington Post

Thanks Ol' N

Who let out one of the ghouls from the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland?! Somebody needs to get on the phone with Miss Cleo ASAP and beg her to perform a seance to tell Courtney Love to eat a fucking Philly cheesesteak or something. Those control-top granny panties are not helping her cause either. I mean, you don't need control top when there's nothing to fucking control!

This shit is tragic! Court needs to check herself into the Wino Clinic for Trainwrecks and get her mess together.