Keith Richards

Sean Penn and ScarJo are supposed to be broken up! The Internet told us so. But here they are together at last night's Spike TV Awards in L.A. One of two things is happening. Either People Magazine was talking about the OTHER ScarJo & Sean Penn breaking up and this ScarJo & Sean Penn are still doing it. Or ScarJo is only posing with Keith Richard's nutsack so hos won't say that they threw each other shade backstage. ScarJo might be saying to herself: "UGH! ScarJo! Thanks to your poor decisions, you have to stand here with this wrinkled old testicle face like everything's good and pretty! The next time you want to suck on an over-microwaved shriveled hot dog, suck on an over-microwaved shrivel hot dog instead of Sean Penn's dick. ARGH!" ScarJo says "ARGH" and "UGH" a lot, so I'm going to say that the latter is the true story behind this picture.

Here's a few more pictures from the awards show that gave awards to bitches for absolutely no reason. Sean Penn won something. So did Keith Richards and Jennifer Aniston. Aniston was pretty excited about winning that trophy. And not because she won something, but because she finally had something to hang her Cabbage Patch Kids' winter coats on!

In order: Aniston, Sean Penn, ScarJo, the hot sisters from The Fighter, Rosie Huntington-Whatever, Eva Mendes, Justin Timberlake, Minka Kelly, Ben Affleck, Jim Carrey, Cameron Diaz, Keef Richards & Marky Mark.

Ronnie Spector was flipping through Keith Richards' autobiography when she nearly ate her hair off out of anger because of something he wrote. This is too easy, so I'll just let Ronnie take it from here:

"I was skimming through it the other day, and he's talking about Ronnie, and I think, 'Oh, he must mean me. I'll read this.' And then he writes, 'We went in the bathroom and did drugs.' I was like, 'Keith! I never did drugs! What are you saying?'

I was so angry with him. I never, ever did drugs with him. In fact, I used to yell at Keith. I'd say, 'You can do a little marijuana but don't go any further than that.'

So I'm reading this and I'm just fuming. I'm ready to call him and really cuss him out, but then I read a little more and it turns out he was actually talking about Ronnie Wood."

I mean. I never for once thought Ronnie Spector was smoking and/or snorting the wrong shit...until now.

via SMH (Thanks Charlie)

Keith Richards has struck again! When mud monster Keef isn't striking fear into the hearts of Swedish journalists, or chasing American teenagers in their nightmares, he's murdering orchids! According to Page Six, Marie d'Origny, the deputy director of The New York Public Library, came running out of her office screaming BLOODY FUCKING MURDER when she found her small orchid dead! As the orchid lay there quivering on her desk, Marie put her ear up to its column as it weakly cooed out, "Keef did it." DAMN THAT KEEF!

Just days before Marie's orchid died a slow death, Keef was in her office waiting to go on stage for a live interview. Smoking is illegal in the library, but Keef can do whatever the hell he wants so he lit up a cig and dropped his ashes into the clay saucer underneath the orchid. The smoke choked out the orchid and it never recovered. And staring into the eye of the gargoyle Medusa didn't help either.

In Keith's defense, orchids are fragile as fragile can be. Someone gave me an orchid once and that bitch died within a day. It wasn't about to go out like Kristin Scott Thomas in The English Patient. All parched and thirsty and shit. Nope, it knew its fate so it pulled its own plug early. Don't get me wrong, Keith could split a catcus by flinching at it too fast, but the orchid is still the Chace Crawford of plants.

Keith Richards is a 300-year-old zombie who is made entirely of bone dust and fire roasted pig skins, but he's still got it! Today in Paris, Keef came face to face with one of his arch rivals, Swedish journalist Markus Larsson, at an interview for his new autobiography Life. Keef has been cursing Markus' name ever since the Rolling Stones played Sweden back in 2007. Markus gave the show 2 out of 5 stars and called the Stones "amateurs." Keef threatened to haunt the nightmares of Markus' children if he didn't apologize, but he never do and so the feud went on!

Aftonbladets (via Spinner) says that Keef sat down with Markus at a hotel room in Paris today and it took him nearly 10 minutes to realize that he was sharing the same oxygen stream (Full Disclosure: I have no idea if Keef breathes in oxygen with the rest of us. I could be lying.) with his NEMESIS! When Keef realized this, a cloud of sand filled the room, locusts shot out of his eyes and he went after Markus! Markus explains, "His eyes got black and he was absolutely furious. He stood up and asked if we would put out the lights and settle the disagreement straight away. At first I was just surprised, I thought he was pulling my leg, but then I realized he was serious and then I felt uncomfortable and I just wanted to get out of there pretty fast."

Markus claims that Keef hit him over the head before shouting, "You're lucky to get out of here alive!!!!!!"

Trust me, it's not over. One...two....Keef's coming for you, Markus! You don't ever mess with a man who can only be destroyed if you distract him with a beautiful virgin while you remove the stone scarab in his chest with a silver sword. Or do you destroy him by luring him into the real world so that you can drown him in a bird bath filled with holy water? I get my mythical fables mixed up.

Yeah, yeah, I know what you really want is a high-res picture of Keith Richards' Little Mick today, but sadly Gawker doesn't have that one. If you must, take a piece of thin bologna, wrap it around a hot dog, throw it into the microwave, nuke that shit until the smoke monster appears in your kitchen, and voila! You've got instant Keef peen circa 2010.

But Gawker does have a picture from a million years ago of a 22-year-old Keef giving his other head some air. It's just the tip, but that's probably still more than you want to see. Click here to get it (best viewed while listening to Under My Thumb).

The rusty aluminum file cabinet drawer marked "memories" in Keith Richards' head is filled with a few dead dragons (yeah, he caught three or four), torn panties and different kinds of ash, but he still managed to put together the pieces to write his life story. Keith, who is what you would get if you dipped Freddy Krueger into sexy sauce (don't deny), writes about Mick Jagger's toddler dick, his drug days and how he thought Johnny Depp was a dealer.

There's a million excerpts at Rolling Stone, but here's a few for now. Keef should really do this more often.

Keef on how Mick has a case of the Cisco Adlers in the nutsack area, but has a case of the Jon Gosselins in the dick area: "Marianne Faithfull had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he's got an enormous pair of balls - but it doesn't quite fill the gap."

Keef on how his friendship with Mick made a sharp turn down "DO I HATE YOU OR NOT?" Road back in the 80s: "I used to love Mick, but I haven't been to his dressing room in 20 years. Sometimes I think, 'I miss my friend'. I wonder, 'Where did he go?'"

Keef on why he thinks Mick brought the bitchery on him: "I've no doubt, in retrospect, that Mick was very jealous of me having other male friends. Maybe his exclusivity is bound up with his own siege mentality. Or maybe he thinks he's trying to protect me: What does that asshole want from Keith?' But quite honestly, I can't put my finger on it."

Keef on how he'll be friends with Mick until the zombie hunters get them: "Because I love the man dearly; I'm still his mate. But he makes it very difficult to be his friend."

Keef on his party days: "Some of my most outrageous nights I can only believe actually happened because of corroborating evidence. No wonder I’m famous for partying! The ultimate party, if it’s any good, you can’t remember it. You get these brief vignettes of what you did. 'Oh, you don’t remember shooting the gun? Pull up the carpet, look at those holes, man.' I feel a bit of shame and embarrassment. 'You can’t remember that? When you got your dick out, swinging from the chandelier, anybody up for grabs, wrap it in a five-pound note?' Nope, don’t remember a thing about it.'"

Keef on why he dropped the bad shit from his daily diet: "I don't want to see my old friend Lucifer just yet. He's the guy I'm gonna see, isn't it? I'm not going to the other place, let's face it. I've given up everything now - which is a trip in itself."

Keef on Johnny Depp: "It took me two years before I realised who he was. He was just one of my son Marlon's mates, hanging around the house playing guitar. I never ask Marlon's mates who they are because, you know, 'I'm a dope dealer." Then one day I was at dinner and I'm like 'Woah, Scissorhands."'

From now on, Johnny Depp should always be introduced as "WOAH, Scissorhands." Always.

This has been said a million times over, but Johnny Depp sort of is like a young Keith Richards without the dried adobe clay on his face or the sexy green sneakers or the whole "stealing children's dreams in the middle of the night" thing. Johnny contemplated this while blowing a cig with Keith outside of a restaurant in London last night.

Johnny and his adoptive hobo daddy spent some time together after shooting Pirates of the Caribbean 4 all day. That's why Johnny's body is still covered in fake owwies.

And it was really nice and conscientious of Johnny to X mark the spot on his face where your right ass cheek goes. A gentleman all the way!