Since Elisabetta Canalis is a professional when it comes to faking a relationship for a stack of money and a little relevancy, Sacha Baron Cohen hired her to star with him in a STUNT QUEEN skit on a yacht in Cannes this morning. While in his Dictator drag, Sacha rubbed on Elisabetta, showed her his little dicktator, pretended to be mad when she wasn't impressed with it, murdered her and then threw her overboard in a body bag. It was like a sped up performance art interpretation of her entire relationship with George Clooney.
Grabbing on an annoying character who's hairier than an unwaxed Kardashian before getting fake murdered is a million steps up from humping on the human skater's scab that is Steve-O. So YAY for that, Elisabetta. And I really hope she got at least four 8 balls for doing this shit.
Elisabetta Canalis went from George Clooney's awards season escort to rubbing on Eggs from True Blood, and somehow she tumbled all the way down onto Steve-O's peen that is probably mangled from lighting firecrackers in his dick mouth. Elisabetta is now back on the prowl looking for the next semi-relevant piece to get her into the back page of Life & Style, because Steve-O has officially quit her ass for being a non-stop partying wreck. Some source tells Radar that Steve-O is one hundred percent sober and Elisabetta is basically a coke vacuum (so I've heard).
"Steve-O dumped Elisbetta over her partying. He is extremely serious about his sobriety and did not want to be dating anyone who could jeopardize that.
He still really cares about her but can't risk relapsing back into his old ways, so he had to cut her loose. He has hooked her up with some women that he knows to help her try and get back on a stable footing again, and she has been attending meetings.
Steve-O said he thinks she's committed to getting control of her life again and that he will help her do that, he wants her to control the partying for her own sake. But, in the meantime he needs to distance himself from her."
If I was Elisabetta, I'd be so mad at coke right now. Like I'd be yelling at coke. I wouldn't even be able to look at it. Not because she's allegedly addicted to it and would sell her left nipple to an underground black market nipple ring for an 8-ball. Nothing like that. But because it's the reason why she's been publicly humiliated by getting dumped......BY STEVE-O! Getting dumped by Steve-O is like the bottom of a barrel not letting you sit on it because you're not good enough for it. If that doesn't clean her up, I don't know what will. Who is she going to date now? Jesse Camp's weekend weed man? Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The confidentiality agreement George Clooney made Elisabetta Canalis sign before he handed over a severance package of bus money and a letter of recommendation for her next high-paying john can suck her taint until it goes raw, because she's going to spit out his name for more free press whether his ass likes it or not. Italian journalist Bruno Vespa wrote a new book about love and Elisabetta spilled about her time with George Clooney, because the only time a bitch puts a microphone up to her mouth is when the name Clooney falls off of her tongue. Elisabetta didn't really bite the paw that fed her fame and only had nice-ish things to say about George. People has a few excerpts from the book:
Praising the Oscar winner, 50, as "the person who valued my feminine side the most" and "also one of the best people I have met from a charitable point of view," Canalis, 33, went on to say, "he has been a special for me, and very important, just as a father would be."
Asked by Vespa to elaborate, she said, "between us there was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was unable to clarify this up 'til now."
As for their breakup, Canalis – who competed on Dancing with the Stars earlier this season, denies reports that Clooney's long-held aversion to marriage was an issue.
"George and I never spoke of marriage nor of having kids," she says. "I don't put limits to the possibility of having them, but neither George nor I had ever envisaged having kids together. The end of the relationship was not caused by a marriage issue, but instead by our personal needs."
"George is a real gentleman even in his private life," she says. "I was very much respected both as a woman and partner."
The quote everybody seems to be throwing "YOU SUCIO BITCH" looks at is the "father-daughter relationship" one. Some commenters at People think it's gross, disgusting and weird that she'd label a relationship with a grown dude she took a strap-on to as father-daughter like. But I know what she's saying. What she means is that George liked her to decorate his head in a pink bonnet and spank him on the nalgas while shoving a pacifier in his mouth as she screamed at him, "You bad baby! You bad bad baby!" Yup, Clooney's the daughter. See, totally normal and worth the weekly paycheck.
Here's Elisabetta's at the GQ Man of the Year Awards in Berlin on Friday night. Sadly, she lost the top prize to Jared Leto.
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
Robot call girl Sarah Larson will finally get a roommate at the halfway house for George Clooney's ex-pieces, because he has kindly pink-slipped his girlfriend of 2 years Elisabetta Canalis. Cocktail waitress and Italian models/coke whores who know how to keep their mouth shuts to the media can form a line to the left for Elisabetta's replacement. George and Elisabetta issued this open goodbye letter to Entertainment Tonight about their break-up:
“We are not together anymore. It’s very difficult and very personal and we hope everyone can respect our privacy.”
If you looked into Elisabetta's eyes as she said the "respect our privacy" you'd see her blinking in Morse code: "Please respect my privacy since I obviously won't and will be giving interviews about this to anybody who waves a tape recorder at my mouth."
This is sad news, actually. Did I ever think that George Clooney would break his streak as an unmarried ho and actually make that stick of Cindy Crawford jerky his next wife? No. This is sad news, because a camera crew wasn't there to capture the priceless moment of George firing Elisabetta. There she was, standing outside of his villa and telling a reporter "I will be married one day and all my haters are just jealous that I will be walking down the aisle towards their screensaver and they won't!" as George Clooney's bodyguards carry her belongings out the front door and onto the back of a pick-up truck driven by her uncle.
Elisabetta signed her own walking papers as soon as she said the word "marriage." Whatever the opposite of a safe word is, George's is: MARRIAGE. Study up, whores, and learn from Elisabetta's mistake.
And here's George and Elisabetta having dinner near his villa just last week. Add a few swear words, a couple of security guards, a bag full of stolen office supplies and that's pretty much what it looked like when I get fired from my last job.
Elisabetta Canalis has lasted muuuuuuuch longer than the expiration date some hos stamped onto her nalgas after she started dating George Clooney two years ago. Does this mean that George Clooney is actually going to break his vow to bachelorhood and make Elisabetta Canalis his second wife? Naw. It probably just means that Elisabetta Canalis has the shit that makes George Clooney's prostate quiver. Straponmatized. But Elisabetta is getting bold and told the Italian magazine Chi that she knows she'll be married one day.
Elisabetta also summoned a Clooney side-eye by saying that all that talk about George being allergic to wedding bands is ancient history. As Sarah Larson prepared Elisabetta's bunk in the halfway house for George's ex pieces, she said this to the magazine:
"Whenever I see my picture in a magazine I know what is being written. They all say that I spend my time organizing parties and that my boyfriend does not want to marry me and be with me anymore. My boyfriend has not given an interview on his private life since 1999 - everything that you read is just a rehash of stuff that has been written in the past. I am a firm believer in marriage, in the future I will be married, but for the time being I am happy as I am. I don't need anything to confirm how happy I am."
I want the head juror in Casey Anthony's case to announce that she's not guilty and wait until Nancy Grace explodes into a million pieces before saying "PSYCHE! GUILTY!", but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. If Elisabetta wants to get married then she's barking up the wrong peen. The chance of Rosemary Clooney rising from the dead to marry Elisabetta Canalis in the middle of a unicorn forest is likelier than George Clooney marrying her ass.
Seen here at the Italian Song Festival in San Remo yesterday, George Clooney's girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis tells the Italian edition of Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) that the only thing she's interested in pushing out of her vagina is an 8-ball after she goes through the security line at the airport. Elisabetta isn't even trying to secure her spot at Clooney's side by coating her cooch with a latex eating gel. Although, I'm not sure that would work since George, who is a major member of the No Babies For Me club, has probably already pinched his sperm faucet. Hmm. I wonder if jizz sans sperm tastes the same as jizz with sperm? I'm sure some cum connoisseurs out there can answer this. In the meantime, I'm adding that to my cum bucket list.
So, when Cosmo asked Elisabetta about the kids thing, she said that she doesn't need babies, because she's got DOGS: "[Getting pregnant has] never been an objective for me. My maternal desires are fully satisfied with my dogs." Elisabetta then said that she doesn't mind being known as "the girlfriend of" and is just happy to be with George. Elisabetta also added that the difference between Italian dudes and American dudes is that "Italian men find it really hard to say, 'I love you, and American men are more open from an emotional standpoint."
Whether or not 32-year-old Elisabetta is being honest about giving her ovaries an early retirement, the bitch knows how to play this game. George is serious about the NO BABY thing. Don't even bring a bottle of baby powder-scented lube around him and make sure the anal beads you use on him don't rattle. If they do, your ass will be kissing curb. Just ask Sarah Larson's not knowing ass! The dumb trollop got pink-slipped right after she pulled out the strap-on and cooed in a baby voice, "Goo goo gaga, open wide." George isn't playing that today or tomorrow.
At last night's Ripple of Hope (which is also the pet name George Clooney has given to his anus) Awards in NYC, Roseanne's old boss Booker Brooks glided along the press line with the one and only Elisabetta Canalis at his side beaming like her benefactor's favorite glow-in-the-dark butt beads. Elisabetta is becoming an expert at throwing up her coke canals at the cocktail waitresses biting at her ankles to take her place. Look at her perfectly painted "Nobody can work a strap-on like me so I'm not going anywhere, you simple whores" face.
Elisabetta has been so quiet lately, so it's nice to see her back where she belongs: throwing smugcuntfaces while holding George Clooney's hand. I do miss her yammering on about how she's the greatest thing to happen to George since electrified nipple clamps were invented, but she probably smeared an imaginary layer of Super Glue over her lips when Sarah Larson texted her from a hostess club in Downtown L.A. with the message: "See you soon!"
Score 1 for Elisabetta Canalis. And score 0 for her "jeliz fat ugly haterz". Elisabetta Canalis tore George Clooney away from his dildo chair (don't worry, it will heal) to take him over to her home island of Sardinia to meet her parents Cesare and Bruna.
In between sightseeing and dinner with Elisabetta's parents, George signed autographs and hugged and kissed all the locals. At one point, People says George posed for a picture with someone's baby when a trick in the crowd (who Elisabetta probably paid) screamed in Italian "Ora tocca a te! [It's your turn now!]" A witness said, "Clooney obviously didn't understand, but everyone turned to look at Elisabetta. She simply smiled."
Elisabetta wasn't smiling because the sight of George Clooney with a baby made her womb coo. No, bitch smiled because she pictured the baby as a giant bag of money. You would smile too.
Speaking of meeting the parents, let's all share our own stories. My ass doesn't have a lot of "meet the parents stories" to tell since most of the bitches I date live by the "Don't Bring a Dumb Slut Home to Mom" rule. But when I was 19, my boyfriend at the time really wanted me to meet his mom. When we first started dating, he told me that his mom hated his gayness and therefore automatically hated all of his boyfriends. That's always fun. I only agreed to go, because we were meeting her at a chocolate shop she worked at. And well, I figured being called a "sinning fudge packer" while nibbling on a piece fudge would be a good memory to stick in the scrap book in my head.
So when we finally got there, the second thing she said to me after "Hello, how are you?" was, "You got some of that Oriental in you? My cousin married one of those. They divorced now." But the worst part was that the only free chocolate I got was a white chocolate truffle with cherries. It was fucking disgusting! I mean, I could've gotten better free chocolate at See's and they wouldn't have called me an Oriental to my face!
YES! You know, I was a little worried for Elisabetta Canalis for a quick second after seeing pictures of her forecasting her inevitable demise as George Clooney's #1 anus plumper. But Elisabetta must have made George's peen lips pucker since then, because her side-eye of worry is gone and has been replaced with her usual beautiful smug as fuck face.
As George signed autographs outside of Ago restaurant in L.A. last night, Elisabetta stood by and threw up her twin coke portals at the "UGLY JELIZZ FAT-PUSSIED NASTEE HATERZ" (her words, probably) who keep trying to push her out of the way. Elisabetta is almost making me say, "Sarah Larson WHO?!"
This picture is one of my favorites:
I don't know what's funnier. That someone is asking Elisabetta for her autograph. (Wait, maybe those are her walking papers. Or maybe he thinks she's Steven Tyler.). Or that Elisabetta is giving him some shade to sit under. Okay, I can finally type this with confidence: Sarah Larson WHO?!