Prince Von A Hole
Zsa Zsa Gabor's leg was surgically Heather Mills'd early last year after a glamour-hating blood clot of bitchiness refused to go away. Since then, Zsa Zsa's been lying on the pink satin comforter on the princess bed in her boudoir and she didn't notice that the white marabou slipper on her other leg was all by itself until six months after the fact. Prince Von A-Hole, Zsa Zsa's husband and the warden of her crystal prison, told Page Six at a charity event in L.A. the other night that she barely found out she only has one leg and she doesn't even know that she eats through a feeding tube. Prince Von-A-Hole said this about the moment 95-year-old Zsa Zsa found out that something was different:
“It took over a half a year. She found out about it when she told me to sit her up, and she saw it. She couldn’t feel it because [one] hand is paralyzed and [one] hand was too short to go on it . Finally, a half-year later she said, ‘There is something missing.’ She doesn’t even know she gets food through the tube. It will only upset her. She was so glamorous always, and she is so vain.”
How depressing. If I had a jewelry chest full of rhinestones, I'd put them all on, fill the fancy plastic bowl I stole from a wedding with Andre and dunk my head in there for the rest of the day. Prince Von A-Hole also said that he hasn't told Zsa Zsa that her good friend Phyllis Diller flew off to heaven on the wings of a wig, because he doesn't want to give her any bad news. So Zsa Zsa's missing leg has been gilded and is displayed on the wall of the Smithsonian somewhere (I'm guessing), her hand is taking a permanent nap (please don't tell me it's her slappin' hand) and he doesn't want to give her bad news? Lord.
If I was Zsa Zsa, I'd want Prince Von A-Hole to give me all the shitty news right now. Because knowing that I'm going to spend the rest of my life looking at his face makes all the crappy news seem not that bad in comparison.
As Zsa Zsa Gabor skips across a chandelier in her dream world while she lays in a coma, her husband Prince Von Asshat and international supermodel sensation Phoebe Price (seen together here during happier times at the famewhore headquarters known as The Ivy) are getting ready to fight it out in the biggest battle since my chola cousin cursing out at an assistant manager at a Palmdale Walmart over why their bathroom toilets are always clogged with shit.
Chicken Cutlets has asked a judge to grant her a restraining order against Prince Von Asswart, because she says he has been stalking her for a year. PP has become filled with fear over his threats. You know, the same sort of fear a paparazzo's camera lens feels when it sees PP hitting the ho stroll, because it doesn't know whether or not it's strong enough to handle her WAM BAM poses. Sort of like that.
PP's chicken cutlet cheeks quivered with fear and her eyes looked for the light (Yes, PP told her story over the phone, but a professional supermodel always looks for the light no matter what!) as she bravely told TMZ what she's been through in the past year, "I am scared for my life and my mom's life. This man does anything for press and I am afraid he will hurt me or have someone hurt us." In court papers, filed on Wednesday, Chicken Cutlets writes that Prince Von Assroid has sent her several threatening letters and seems to show up everywhere she goes.
Prince Von Assdingle, on the other hand, has no idea what PP is going on about and says that delusion sauce must be running her brain, because he hasn't contacted her in over a year. He told TMZ, "If I hear one more false statement from her about me I will go to the West LA Police and file a criminal complaint against her myself!!"
While taking a break during a gas station photo shoot the other day, Chicken Cutlets yodeled out to RumorFix that Prince Von Ahoe is trying to get an egg from the Styrofoam carton in her lady parts. Chicken Cutlets then gave an emotional speech about how she sympathizes with Whitney Houston's character in The Bodyguard, because she now knows what it feels like to be tormented by a CRAZED stalker who will stop at nothing to dim her beauty!
Even though PP is afraid for her life and shaking on the inside, she still looks devastatingly gorgeous and still has the stuff that makes Foghorn Leghorn howl. But this is a serious matter! If Phoebe Price doesn't feel safe on the ho stroll, then none of us should feel safe ANYWHERE! I was taught that American is a land where children can feel safe playing in the park and world famous ginger supermodels can strike poses on the stroll without fear. What a sad time we live in. If the United Nation of Famewhores hasn't set up an agency that will devote its energy to this highly important matter, then I have lost faith in everything!
Here's Melissa Leo at yesterday's Independent Spirit Awards in Santa Monica dressed like a track home madam who is about to flee through the sliding back door of her DIY brothel in Palmdale after authorities received an anonymous tip that she's housing imported whores in her garage. Tell me that isn't a look that screams "You've got a $20, I've got a hand job ho for you!"
You know, I'm so sick of dumb asses declaring that Natalie Portman "is the girl to watch" at the Oscars tonight. Yeah, I've been watching the fashion moves of that Ivy League al dente noodle for months and it's about as exciting as taking the SATs with a No.2 pencil on a Saturday morning while completely sober. Bitch is fashion Ambien. But Melissa Leo on the other hand, that ho knows that the best accessory is always a giant coat of CRAZY. Melissa's look tells a damn story. Yes, that story airs on truTV several nights a week, but a story it still is! Natalie's basic ass looks like it was attacked by an exploding lemon danish. Next.
Click here to see the ISA winners if that's what you need and below is a bunch of pictures of everybody who gave pose on the grey carpet yesterday. In order: the best dressed of the night Melissa Leo, Prince Von A-Hole, Chuckie Finster with Warren Beatty, Rosario Dawson, Taye Diggs, Illeana Douglas, James Franco, Thierry Guetta, Saint Crazy's daughter, Baron Baby Wipes, Vera Farmiga, Dana Delany, Nicole Kidman, Diego Luna with Camila Sodi, Ewan McGregor about to take a pee pee, Eva Mendes, Natalie Portman, Aron Ralston, a drunk Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo with a hand full of Sunrise, Zoe Saldana, Lea Thompson, Kerry Washington and Naomi Watts with Liev Schreiber.
One of the rules of life is that if you're ever in the pitch black darkness, you never ever stick something in your eye without licking it first to make sure it's not going to leave you looking like you should be barking at the crew to swab the poop deck while a damn ass parrot squawks on your shoulder. Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Prince Von Anhalt did not follow this rule and it almost cost him his eyeball.
Prince Von A-Hole's spokeswhore tells CNN that he will be wearing an eye patch for the next two weeks because he accidentally squirted his eye with Zsa Zsa's nail glue instead of Visine. Prince Von A-Hole's excuse is that "it was dark" and "it was a stupid thing to do."
This is obviously a sign. It was only a few months ago when the prince's pie hole almost went mute after a bee flew into his mouth and stung the shit out of his throat. And now he almost goes blind from his own dumbfoolery? What's next? Dude is going to stick a pair of baby black widows in his ear holes instead of headphones? Someone is trying to make sure that Prince Von A-Hole won't be able to text or talk out messages to the media. To which I say to that someone, TRY HARDER!
It is not the year for Zsa Zsa Gabor and her husband Prince Von Anhalt. While Zsa Zsa rested on her pink satin princess bed under the crystal chandelier that only sparkles for her, P-Vo was sunning his schnitzel by the pool. But his moment of relaxation was cut short by the rudest and whoriest bee in Beverly Hills. TMZ says that a bee flew into his mouth and did ass-to-froat with him without asking. The bee stung him right in the goddamn throat!
Before Prince Von knew it, he was turning blue and his throat started to swell up. He was shuffled off to the emergency room and admitted into the hospital. Apparently, he's been there since Wednesday.
Bees always remind me of my abuelita who really is their greatest arch rival. When I was little, she would spend hours in the backyard trying to catch bees with her bare hands. Imagine if you were a bee and got caught by an old lady hand? Embarrassing! So when she'd get her hand on a bee, she'd sting herself in the leg with it. It soothed her arthritis or some shit. I don't know. It was probably the secret to how she found the strength to wield a mighty chankla around. That's it.
And at least Prince Von Anhalt can tell people he now knows what it feels like to give Gerard Slutler a beej without lining his froat with a female condom first.
Oh, I've been waiting for Prince Von A Hole's all-natural crazy to poke out! Ever since Zsa Zsa Gabor started winking at the angels above, her husband Frederic von Anhalt has been polite with his comments about her condition. Prince Von A Hole has been bringing the foolery in heavy doses long before Spencer Pratt was birthed out of a Summer's Eve box, so I was a little surprised to see him behaving. But Prince Von A Hole is done leaving me thirsty for his crazy, because here it is! I'm glad we all saved a seat for it.
He wants the creator of the Bodies exhibit and German anatomist Gunther von Hagens to turn Zsa Zsa's body into the shell of Mickey Rourke and Janice Dickinson like the picture above. Prince Von A Hole explains, "My wife has always dreamed that her beauty would be immortal. I would like to show the plastinated body of Zsa Zsa Gabor in the context of a scene in one of her films."
That is the way he wants to honor Zsa Zsa's elegant beauty?! Put her on display in Las Vegas so that drunks can poke at her muscles and stare at her organs (GUILTY)? Dude is sick.
If he really wants to preserve Zsa Zsa's beauty and spirit he would turn her ashes into a dozen crystals. And then use those crystals to make a chandelier for the Beverly Hills Police Department. That way the prisms shooting off the chandelier will slap every police officer in the face who comes walking through the front door. That's a real tribute.
Why are we even talking about this anyways? Zsa Zsa is going to live forever!