Courtney Love

Courtney Love must have been reading White Oprah's "What Makes A Good Mother," because she believes that she's a regular June Cleaver. Courtney recently said this to Spinner (via Page Six), "As a little dainty, beautiful baby I just worshipped her, but now she's at an age where we fight, where sometimes she hates me, sometimes I get really mad at her. It's like, 'Oh you must be a bad mother,' No, I'm not a bad mother. I'm a very good mother"

Yeah, because nothing says "Mother of the Year" like a restraining order wrapped up with a Christmas bow on top.

And yesterday, TMZ posted another glittery item on Courtney's good mom resume. Apparently, lawyers in the custody case between Court and 17-year-old Frances Bean asked a judge to seal documents about domestic abuse allegations. The documents state, "In this proceeding, every document reveals details of Frances's (sic) relationship with her mother." They also want Frances' medical records sealed shut.

We don't know the details about these alleged abuse allegations, but I don't like where this is heading. It's like the soup kitchen version of Mommie Dearest. Even if Courtney didn't Joan Crawford Frances Bean, living with her crazy ass full-time would cause anyone to commit an act of domestic abuse on themselves! Just reading Court's Facebook rants makes me want to punch myself in the eyeball.

DAMN. Courtney Love already lost custody of 17-year-old Frances Bean, but now TMZ is saying that she also has been ordered by a judge to keep her craziness away from her daughter.

A judge issued a restraining order which means that Court can't make any kind of contact with Frances Bean. The order is temporary, but there will be a hearing on January 5th to make it permanent.

Now, I'm no Detective La Toya, but I'm guessing this might have something to do with the crack-induced rant Courtney vomited up on her Facebook page yesterday. Basically, Court accused her own daughter of being a manipulative child who just wants to get a hold of her trust.

Below is some of Court's rant. UsWeekly was kind enough to translate it from crackanese to English:

"I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she's lying to herself... My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I'd love to see how that works ... She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has.

Don’t worry, Frances is a wonderful kid, she’s got bad people around her and wants it both ways. You could’ve asked for emancipation… you realize this will put you in juvenile family circus three times in your little life? I love you and always will unconditionally.”

Courtney also accused Frances' memaw of killing Kurt Cobain.

I figured this was about Frances' trust. Frances is trying to keep Courtney from stuffing her inheritance into a pipe. The quickest way to do that is to remove Court as her guardian. That Frances knows what she's doing.

And since the judge is handing out restraining orders, maybe he should also issue one against Court from Facebook. Seriously, it's for Courtney's own good.

Yesterday, we all found out that Courtney Love lost legal custody of her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Everyone (including my ass) figured it was due to Court freebasing Dimetapp again, but her lawyer (slash daytime dealer) says she is completely sober.

Hm. Interesting. Webster must have whipped up a brand new definition for "sober" since the last time I checked. Facebook rants don't lie!

Court's lawyer tells People that the decision to hand over guardianship to Kurt Cobain's mother was entirely up to Frances Bean. Frances' options were to stand on a corner while holding a sign that read, "ADOPT ME PLEASE," or to go live with her memaw in Olympia, Washington. Frances went with the latter.

Court's lawyer added, "Courtney's been clean for years and is perfectly fine. This is simply about Frances preferring to live with her grandmother at this time. Frances is 17 and a strong-willed child, and this is a decision she made on her own. No matter what, Courtney loves her daughter more than anything in the world."

I love how the lawyer says Frances Bean is "strong-willed." He's trying to make it sound like she's some kind of problem child. Please. Courtney Love couldn't take care of a Pet Rock. She'd throw it into the street and put the blame on it by saying it's a "strong-willed rock."

The decision was an easy one for Frances since she has a working brain.

17-year-old Frances Bean Cobain would be better off being raised by a Dream Cat Venus than Courtney Love, so a judge made the no-brainer decision to hand over guardianship of her to Kurt Cobain's mother and sister. This means that Courtney no longer has personal or financial control over her daughter.

Court lost custody of Frances Bean in 2003 after she broke into her ex-boyfriend's house on overdosed on painkillers. Court regained custody of Frances Bean in 2005.

TMZ reports that the latest guardianship was put into play on Friday. Kurt's mom and sister will only make decisions for Frances Bean. They won't have any control over Kurt's trust.

The court made the decision after monitoring Courtney's crazy ways for a while now. Although, all they really needed to do was spend two seconds with one of Courtney's eyelash-singeing Facebook rants.

And hopefully when Frances turns 18 a judge will bring down the gavel and make her Courtney's legal guardian. Shit, they should just do that now.

While most of us were passed out on the floor in a turkey/pie/conversation/alcohol coma, Courtney Love was making out with DJ Qualls and terrorizing strippers at Scores. Yish, it was just a traditional Thanksgiving for Court!

Page Six says that the rambler of Facebook started her night at 1OAK, where she stuck her tongue down DJ Qualls' tiny bird mouth and led him down the crack hole. A source said, "Courtney was partying at 1Oak with her band and Qualls, who was on the next table, introduced himself. They hit it off and ended up talking very closely and making out. She was all over him. Courtney then dragged him and her band to Scores."

When DJ Qualls woke up in a pool of his own bloody vomit the next morning with chunks of his gums missing, a fresh wart on his tonsils, a chaffed tongue, his nipples sewed onto his forehead and Courtney's "business" card shoved up his asshole, he probably vowed never EVER to accept a drink from her again.

Courtney Love packed up her shopping cart and took her acts of crackery from the House of Twitter to her new home at Facebook. Courtney really hasn't missed one beat. Movieline posted a couple of Courtney's horrifically amazing rants about her ex-boyfriend Edward Norton and Brit Brit Spears.

First up is Ed Norton. According to Court, Ed's shit logs have curly moustaches and regularly tie innocent damsels in distress to train tracks. Just smile like this makes sense:

IF something happens to me, NO my will is NOT at Greenberg Glusker, that will is FORGERY…i created a new one per lISA FERGUSONs attorney who cannot be FOUND but that needs altering as it has Edward in it and Norton doesn’t have a CLUE how evil his own BM is he wont fuck a future Senator/Film Actor but hell purposfully refinance Kim Cobains Property i bought her cash outright, for the 12th time using a phony address due to some fuck up on some Bogus “ART FORM OF THE CH 13” R TODD used, leavng KIM COBAINS PROPERTY REPOS…SESED< “you have an hour to get your things” wtf did Kim Cobain do to YOU… so its best to never tell let alone kiss and trell i m shcoked at myself i never kiss and tell unless im really mad at an ex for like LOSING 300,000$ of my kid hes supposed to be paternal abouts money, oh yeah Norton just LOST 300k.

When is Rosetta Stone going to come out with a Courtney Love version, so that most of us can fully understand her crackisms?

If your eye holes aren't filled with barf, continue on to Court's claim that Daddy Spears child touched Our Ladies of Cheetos:

britneys dad molested her , imagine the father that molested you owning you for slavery while your forced to sing songs picked for thier sexual content every night, insane right? i have it on First had authority, and fight as hard as she is and does she still didnt pull that card, its a pride thing i can relate to, However they want to play dirty, lets go, Im SO not affraid of the little trolls who hit this when i was fucked up who are called lawyers. lets GO.

Courtney's lawyers, The Offices of Crack and Pipe, aren't going to like this. Although, Court does have it on First had authority, SO she has no reason to be affraid.

And what does Frances Bean Cobain think of all of this?

There you go.

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

That's because she's probably cold-calling like a telemarketer trying to get hos to donate to her situation. The Sun says that Courtney Love's checking account is pretty much at zero like her sanity levels.

Apparently, Courtney Love has been telling friends that she can barely feed her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean and is about to get put out of The Mercer Hotel, because she's only got a few coins to her name. Some source said that Courtney told her friend, "I'm fucked now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted."

Last Month, Courtney tried to tap into Frances Bean's trust fund, but bitch got denied.

First of all, I wonder what Courtney's idea of a "decent meal" is? I'm guessing a pack of Reds, a few stale fries from McDonald's, half of a pack of relish and maybe a pistachio nut she found in her sofa.

Second of all, I'm sure Courtney isn't broke BROKE. I mean, maybe she lent some money to that Nigerian prince again and he's totally going to pay her back when he moves millions of his own money from his homeland. Or maybe Courtney just misplaced her money.........in her nostrils.

Court obviously needs Detective La Toya to grab a magnifying glass and track down her missing money. And if Det. La Toya can't do that, she can at least show Court how to whore it up for a quick dolla!

Gird your loins, because I know this picture of Courtney Love snuggling up to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is giving you the dry heaves in your crotch area. OW!

Courtney and Hugo instantly became one at a screening for Oliver Stone's new documentary in NYC last week. Court told the NYDN that she noticed Hugo giving her the sex eye from across the room. That's when Court made her move. Court queefed, "It was the third wink that sold me. He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"

Yeah, I'm sure she'll rock Hugo's caracas (PASS THE EYE CLOROX). Courtney thinks that if she plays her pussy right she can be the new first lady of Venezuela. Actually, I take that back. Courtney probably doesn't even know who Hugo Chavez is. Courtney gets all her news from her hallucinations.

When Court was first introduced to Hugo, you know she screamed about how much she loved his coffee.

We've all walked into a public bathroom stall while a bitch was on the toilet trying to push one out. It's part of life. My best/worst "walking on a ho on the pot" moment happened at a rest stop bathroom outside of Bakersfield, CA. I walked into the bathroom and immediately saw a bearded pepaw drifter sitting on the toilet completely NEKKID! His clothes were laying on the floor in front of him. There was no door on the stall, so the old dude's wrinkly ass cheek was the unofficial bathroom greeter. When I realized I wasn't having some kind of bad shit flashback, the pepaw looked at me like "And what?!" Now that I think about it, It was probably the most glamorous experience of my LIFE!

One bitch you do not want to walk in on while they are on the porcelain throne is Courtney Love, because she will go at you!

Page Six reports that a pharmacist named Sebastian Karnaby was trying to leave a party at the Standard Hotel in NYC when he opened the wrong door and found Court sitting there with her skirt around her ankles. The most shocking thing about this is that Court was actually going pissy times and not snorting "her medicine."

Dr. Sebastian said, "She stormed out screaming, 'I am going to get you thrown out!' She jumped on me, went crazy and dragged me over to security by the arm and claimed that I'd attacked her. They were trying to calm her down, but she was out of control. She was like a possessed woman. I absolutely did not attack her -- I was trying to get away. Thankfully, she'd remembered to pull up her skirt. I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn't a pretty sight. I just wanted to get out of there."

While Courtney was attacking Dr. Sebastian with her pissy hands, her security told him to get out of there fast.

Court's spokesbitch refused to comment.

This whole thing could've been avoided if Dr. Sebastian simply told Court, "Don't hit me, I'm a pharmacist!" In a quick second, Dr. Sebastian would've gone from piss blocker to Courtney's best friend in life.