Courtney Love

Courtney Love must be sick of ventriloquists randomly sticking their fists up her ass to get her to speak, because she has vowed that she will never put her parts under the knife again. Courtney told The Sun that she was scared straight after staring at the luminous face of Jocelyn Wildenstein!

Courtney said, "I could do with another boob lift, but no way. I don't want to end up looking like Jocelyn Wildenstein. She looked freaky."

EXCUSE HER BEAUTY! This just confirms that Courtney Love is just like that crackhead leprechaun of Alabama: on the wrong stuff! Who wouldn't want the face of a hemorrhoid in mid-squeeze? I mean, Jocelyn's beauty is so scorchingly hot that her face singes her own eyebrows (example above).

That's because she's probably cold-calling like a telemarketer trying to get hos to donate to her situation. The Sun says that Courtney Love's checking account is pretty much at zero like her sanity levels.

Apparently, Courtney Love has been telling friends that she can barely feed her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean and is about to get put out of The Mercer Hotel, because she's only got a few coins to her name. Some source said that Courtney told her friend, "I'm fucked now dude. I have 120 bucks, my kid hasn't had a decent meal and I'm getting evicted."

Last Month, Courtney tried to tap into Frances Bean's trust fund, but bitch got denied.

First of all, I wonder what Courtney's idea of a "decent meal" is? I'm guessing a pack of Reds, a few stale fries from McDonald's, half of a pack of relish and maybe a pistachio nut she found in her sofa.

Second of all, I'm sure Courtney isn't broke BROKE. I mean, maybe she lent some money to that Nigerian prince again and he's totally going to pay her back when he moves millions of his own money from his homeland. Or maybe Courtney just misplaced her money.........in her nostrils.

Court obviously needs Detective La Toya to grab a magnifying glass and track down her missing money. And if Det. La Toya can't do that, she can at least show Court how to whore it up for a quick dolla!

Gird your loins, because I know this picture of Courtney Love snuggling up to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez is giving you the dry heaves in your crotch area. OW!

Courtney and Hugo instantly became one at a screening for Oliver Stone's new documentary in NYC last week. Court told the NYDN that she noticed Hugo giving her the sex eye from across the room. That's when Court made her move. Court queefed, "It was the third wink that sold me. He's a sexy dawg. He invited me to visit his country and I'd like to go. I'll rock Caracas!"

Yeah, I'm sure she'll rock Hugo's caracas (PASS THE EYE CLOROX). Courtney thinks that if she plays her pussy right she can be the new first lady of Venezuela. Actually, I take that back. Courtney probably doesn't even know who Hugo Chavez is. Courtney gets all her news from her hallucinations.

When Court was first introduced to Hugo, you know she screamed about how much she loved his coffee.

We've all walked into a public bathroom stall while a bitch was on the toilet trying to push one out. It's part of life. My best/worst "walking on a ho on the pot" moment happened at a rest stop bathroom outside of Bakersfield, CA. I walked into the bathroom and immediately saw a bearded pepaw drifter sitting on the toilet completely NEKKID! His clothes were laying on the floor in front of him. There was no door on the stall, so the old dude's wrinkly ass cheek was the unofficial bathroom greeter. When I realized I wasn't having some kind of bad shit flashback, the pepaw looked at me like "And what?!" Now that I think about it, It was probably the most glamorous experience of my LIFE!

One bitch you do not want to walk in on while they are on the porcelain throne is Courtney Love, because she will go at you!

Page Six reports that a pharmacist named Sebastian Karnaby was trying to leave a party at the Standard Hotel in NYC when he opened the wrong door and found Court sitting there with her skirt around her ankles. The most shocking thing about this is that Court was actually going pissy times and not snorting "her medicine."

Dr. Sebastian said, "She stormed out screaming, 'I am going to get you thrown out!' She jumped on me, went crazy and dragged me over to security by the arm and claimed that I'd attacked her. They were trying to calm her down, but she was out of control. She was like a possessed woman. I absolutely did not attack her -- I was trying to get away. Thankfully, she'd remembered to pull up her skirt. I never wanted to see Courtney Love on the toilet. It wasn't a pretty sight. I just wanted to get out of there."

While Courtney was attacking Dr. Sebastian with her pissy hands, her security told him to get out of there fast.

Court's spokesbitch refused to comment.

This whole thing could've been avoided if Dr. Sebastian simply told Court, "Don't hit me, I'm a pharmacist!" In a quick second, Dr. Sebastian would've gone from piss blocker to Courtney's best friend in life.

Even though that turtle is dead, stuffed, dehydrated and shellacked, it's still more sane in the brains than Courtney Love. Earlier this morning, CLove posted these pictures on her Twitter of her in bed with a taxidermy turtle. Yes, it's come to this. Only a dead turtle will get in bed with Court.....after she forces it. But seriously, is Court confusing turtles with toads and thinks that if you lick 'em up good you'll start walking on sunshine?

And if you aren't following Court's Twitter, you must. Your eyes may turn inside out from trying to figure out what the hell she's writing about, but it's worth it. Court's Twitter has taken me places I've never before. Whenever I'm done reading it, I drink a big glass of orange juice to keep my roll going.

VIA The Sun

Last month, Courtney Love said that she was going to put a little chunk on her bones after doctors told her that being skinnier than Posh Beckham's tampon (which is skinnier than a roach's clit) is not healthy. So what has Court been doing to fatten up? The Daily Mail says that she's been eating a human growth hormone called Genotropin.

A source, "Courtney has been struggling with her weight. She’s been using the hormones to help her gain muscle and for anti-ageing and likes the results. But she’s not very discreet. She even left a vial of it in her LA hotel room."

I feel the need to steal a quote from one of my favorite bitches of the moment, Tiny from Tiny & Toya: "Girl, you need less internet."

Seriously, Genotropin really sounds like some shit that was recommended to Courtney in a spam e-mail. That crazy is the only bitch on this planet who reads her spam mail from word to word. Courtney's Crackberry is probably filled with hundreds of numbers for "Nigerian exiles" and her guest room houses a dozen "*young russian beauties*." Court falls for it every time.

Here's the poster child for Genotropin trolling around NYC on Saturday. If looking like an understuffed Kira from The Dark Crystal pantyhose doll is the look Court is going for, then I take back my TITLE! Because if that's the case, the Genotropin pills are working!

When this picture of Courtney Love looking like a used q-tip covered in ear jizz made the rounds, everyone figured the only thing she was eating was Dexatrim, cigarette ash and the smegma underneath her nails (chock full of protein!). Well, you figured right. In an interview with Grazia (via The Daily Mail), Court says she needs to start eating food things.

Court said she's been ordered by a doctor to put on some chunk, " I know I've got too skinny. I know I need to sort it out. I am going to put on 15lbs in one month. I do not have body dysmorphia. Seriously, I want to get fatter. You know, when I was 192lbs, I thought I looked hot!My doctor gave me a massive shot of vitamins and told me to start eating. I need to start working out again. It's the stress - you have no idea what it has been like these last few months. I need to get to the bottom of this fraud, I need answers."

Here's the answer, Court: The money went up your nose and is dancing through your nervous system. It ain't coming back and it's not sending you a post card. It's time to throw the money a "Goodbye Forever" party at Outback. EAT THAT, please!

And Court's skinny-itis is more serious than I thought. Here's some pictures of her trolling NYC last night looking like something found in the roof gutters of Grey Gardens. Notice that her eyebrows have started eating at themselves, because they are hongray! Court, please start eating for the sake of your eyebrows!

American Express has filed a lawsuit against Courtney Love, because she owes them $352,059.67 in charges and unpaid fees. Courtney hasn't made any payments, so her three AMEX cards have been suspended. Courtney's publicist, Mr. Twitter, had this to say:

"outliers waits and im only on chapter 2 teh 10000 hour rule amerex come on i have a good feeling about your solid i bet taurean ass!"

At least I think she's talking about AMEX. But it's Courtney, so she could be talking about anything including Nigerian thieves, Cialis salesmen, the Acai Berry diet and sexy Russian girlfriends.

File this under: The crackpipe calling the hep stick WHITE TRASH. That made no sense, but just take a bong hit and roll with it. My one brain cell is on Saturday mode.

So, Courtney Love took a break from barfing up all her whippit-infused schizo thoughts on Twitter, to talk to Page Six about the current state of Pamela Anderson. CLove said, "Pam Anderson doesn't even have a credit card. And she lives in Paradise Cove -- which is in Malibu, but it's a trailer park in Malibu."

Doesn't Courtney Love have a credit score of like negative infinity, because "mysterious thieves" (aka her nostrils) ransacked Kurt Cobain's estate and stole millions upon millions of dollars? Court can't even get one of those fake credit cards they send you in junk mail. And if she did, you know that crazy would try to use it! CLove needs to stop! You know that bitch is temporarily living in the septic tank under the toilet in Pamela's Malibu trailer. Stop putting on airs!

Remember when Courtney Love was traipsing the streets of Beverly Hills with hundreds of "important financial documents" screaming about how someone stole all her money. You know, she was yammering on and on about magical evil trolls that snuck into her wallet and robbed her of millions of dollars. Well, the First Lady of Batshit Crazy got a lawyer to believe her. Yeah, a lawyer will tell you whatever you want to hear as long as you keep that retainer warm and full.

One of Courtney's lawyers told Page Six that a team of investigators and forensic accountants found out that thieves stole around $30 million in cash and $500 million in real estate from Kurt Cobain's estate. Court's lawyer, Scooby Doo, said, "We will be filing civil cases . . . within the next 30 days. There are many, many millions missing. We've only been able to track down $30 million, but there is more. And then there is the real estate. There is now a web of homes which were bought, flipped and used to launder money -- up to $500 million worth. Any of the property we can get back will be donated to people who have lost their homes in foreclosures."

Courtney said she noticed she was broke when all the money was gone. Yeah, that'll happen if you take up permanent residence inside a crack pipe. Court's lawyer said that when she found out she had no more money, she hired people to look into it. The authorities are also involved. Scooby went on to say, "When Mr. Cobain died in 1994, he left his enormously wealthy estate behind for the benefit of his mother, two sisters, a brother, his wife and young daughter. Many of those [involved with] the estate's coffers mismanaged, stole and outright looted it shamelessly."

SPOILER ALERT: You know where all that money went? Up her motherfucking nose! Just like that. Court's nose even knew it was doing some shady shit, so it disguised itself to look like Jacko's penis head. Lock it up.

And I hope this goes to trial eventually, because think of all the amazing moments Court will create on the stand! She will put the loons in all my favorite afternoon court shows to SHAME!