Hotness

Truth is, I'm only posting these pictures of Cisco Adler with his piece in Malibu, because it gives me yet another reason to link to (SAFE FOR EVERYONE.... I'm lying...NSFW) a picture of his Slinky sacks. Every pair of eyeballs on this planet must view Cisco's looooong "hamsters in a hammock" nutsack at least TWICE (double your displeasure).

To answer my own question, yes, I'd hit it. Well, I want to see those things in action. But I wouldn't let him hit it from the back. Those things could wrap around and bust one of my eyes out or punch me in the stomach. Actually, it's probably best that you wear a full-body armor suit (with a hole for your fuck part) when taking on Cisco's wrecking ballsack.

And if 10-mile long balls aren't your thing, I also threw in some pictures of Jockey-lover Gavin Rossdale on the same beach as Cisco.

Lauren Bacall is Twittering! At least, I hope this is her Twitter, because that means she will deliver countless shiny and bitchy gems. Nobody tells it like a memaw, because they really don't give an eff. And if you don't agree with them, they will whoop you with a switch, a garden hoe, or a....shoe. The latter was Lauren's weapon of choice when she was tempted to beat some sense into her granddaughter over the Twilight craze. Lauren Twittered:

"Yes, I saw Twilight - my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the 'film' was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau's 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, 'Now that's a vampire film!' And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!"

You crazed Twihards out there shouldn't even bother trying to attack Lauren for her comments. You will lose. In fact, Lauren might be a vampire herself, so you should get on your knees and worship her. I mean, I get twitchy every time I look at Lauren's furry worm brows, but I quickly file those thoughts under "Don't Go There." Because Lauren is always right

VIA Contact Music

Poor Tracy. She wasn't used to the fresh sex fumes and it made her a little delirious causing her to confuse her Facebook boxes. It's a good thing Michael found the right box the night before. OW! I hope Tracey's fiance reads this, so he realizes that he needs to put on a mining hat and explore Tracy's love cave more often.

Here's a close-up of Tracy's love note to Michael. Git those cave juices flowin', Tracy!

UPDATE: It looks like Tracy's been hacked (her Facebook page, not her vag). The Next Web thinks 4Chan got a list of devout Christian Facebook users and decided to have a little fun with them. Tracy's page is still active and her sister is so mad about this that she has turned into KANYE WEST. Oh, well. I guess Tracy's love cave is still dry. Sigh. (Thanks Kevin)

VIA Buzzfeed

Any dress that offers maximum exposure of the titty...I mean...chest area, has shoulder pads and can easily pass for one of Sammy Jo Dean Carrington Fallmont's wedding dresses gets an A+++ in my book. Another bonus is that if Rachel McAdams was suddenly possessed by the devil, causing her head to spin backwards, she wouldn't have to turn her dress around! The front could pass for the back and vice versa. As my favorite alien, Ramona from The Real Housewives of NYC, would say: KA-DOOOZE!

Anyway, here's Rachel and Erica Bana at the premiere for that movie that kind of sounds like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure meets a Danielle Steel novel.

Look! It's Kimmy Fucking Gibbler.......AND she's signing one of Aretha Franklin's training bras. Thank you, Wednesday. Thank you!

ONTD posted a bunch of pictures from Uncle Joey's website of a mini Full House reunion which included Danny, Steve, DJ, Stephanie and my best friend in the head KIMMY GIBBLER! Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky couldn't make it. And the cast failed to answer the riddle correctly, so the Olsen Trolls couldn't leave their post at the bridge.

The gang got together in order to autograph a gigantic watermelon holder to donate to a breast cancer charity in Michigan called "Bras for a Cause."

Yes, Kimmy is looking like she's come down with a case of the Gosselins, but I don't care. Kimmy can do no wrong in my book.

And I hope they Fabreezed the shit out of that bra after Bob Saget handled it. You know his penis coughed on that thing.

Remember Fred and Sharon? I mean, how could you forget? They improved your life with a video movie. And now the two masters of Canadian video movie art have returned to improve Jennifer Aniston's love life by offering some advice. Jennifer Aniston needs to immediately clear out her fake nursery and move Sharon in to be her personal "professional counselor."

And if you feel like you were just roofied after watching that video. You're not alone. Actually, I think Sharon woke up from a roofie nap before shooting this.

Here's some pictures of Gerard Butler driving Jennifer Aniston to the beach yesterday where they drank wine and laughed a lot.

The Glittery of YouTube needs to stop production on all Beyonce-related material and pick up Shakira's new video for "She-Goat She-Wolf." My ass needs to see them fluttering about in a cut up Capezio catsuit, grinding on their mother's guest bed, thrusting in a large-sized dog cage from Petco and... and... and... And what the hell are they going to use for that giant *fancy* sparkly organ cave Shakira's busting it in? That part looks like a lost scene from Ricky Martin's colon cam.

VIA Idolator

YES!!! I'm so excited....I'm so excited....I'm so....ooold. Yes, this People Magazine cover starring the cast of Saved By The Bell reminds me that I will soon be spending my days licking on Werther's Originals and talking to my Pantyhose Dolls in the retirement home, but who cares?! This is what all magazine covers should look like! The best part is that People used the "U DON'T EXIST" Photoshop tool to erase Screech from the 1989 cast photo.

Now if only there was a Photoshop tool to erase the images from his (NSFW) sex tape from my brain. Screech ruined Dirty Sanchezes for me.

VIA Cover Awards

This is the second time in one month that Debbie Rowe has been seen wearing the enchanted and mysterious Three Wolf Moon t-shirt! Since then, hundreds of people have donated their lives to serving her, money randomly falls on her from the sky and she even found her vagina on the first try. Debbie is never taking it off.

Besides, I doubt she can take it off! It's stuck to her like a magnet. The wolves feed on Debbie's nipple crust, under titty butter and pit juice for protein and nourishment. They're all good and they will be there forever!

Here's more of the wolf master visiting Dr. Klein's office yesterday. Yes, THAT Dr. Klein.

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site's fashion page. Marie Osmond's dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear "after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!"

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard...I mean...BRIDE! BRIDE! That's what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple's wedding page. It's the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque