Hotness

The police officers in Torrington, CT are a bunch of fun killers. 41-year-old Mindy Lomento was just trying to get her dick on when the police showed up to break up the fucking fuck fun. Yeah, Mindy was doing it in the woods where everyone could see, but what was a bitch supposed to do? By the looks of her meth face, you know she probably smoked up all her motel money, so she had no choice! Besides, Mother Nature created the woods just so nasty whores could do sex in there. The truth.

Mindy is a freak, because homegirl was caught with two dudes: 34-year-old Gregory WANKlin (the surprised piece in the red t-shirt below) and 24-year-old David Perry (the shirtless hunk below). The bitch who called 911 said they witnessed Mindy doing sex stuff with David Perry. When the cops showed up, they caught Gregory's dick in Mindy's coochie jar. They were all arrested for public indecency.

Even though the police are not right, I'm happy Mindy was arrested, because now the world has this beautiful mug shot. It's obvious why all the peens in the yard want to hit it. They just can't get enough of Mindy's orgasm face. And I have a feeling that Mindy's O face is the same as her OD face. Bitch is my kind.

Are your loins suddenly guiding you closer to the screen? Do you feel like you need to quit your job, throw your man (or woman) out the window, pack up your flavored lube collection and move to Palmdale, CA so you can rest in Debbie Rowe's mighty arms for the rest of your days? HOLD BACK, because it's just the power of the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt at work! The howling from the wolves are tempting you to ride Debbie's glorious moon, but you have to RESIST! You mustn't give in! Put some ice cubes on your nipples and look away!

You know Debbie is going to wear this under her Big & Tall pantsuit to the custody hearing, so that the three wolves can hypnotize the Jackson family into signing over EVERYTHING. Damn. The butchie is good.

Here's Debbie wielding the power of the Three Wolf Moon t-shirt while doing butt stuff with a horse at her ranch in CA yesterday.

On Saturday, Zachary Quinto was out in Malibu with two different dudes at two different times. SLUT! Earlier in the day, Zachary got pizza with some trick. You know what that means? They are totally stuffing each other's crusts. Two grown-men don't get pizza together unless they are spreading dick butter on each other's nalgas.

A couple of hours later, Zachary and another dude hung out with their shirts off on the beach. Obviously, later in the day, Zachary exfoliated his friend's face by rubbing his sandy balls over it. I mean, two grown-men also can't sit together on a beach unless....you know the rest.

And on a totally serious note, I hope Zachary sprayed a little Sun-In on his chest pubes while he was sunbathing. Since it's Summer, I feel like his titty bush could use some blonde highlights or something.

In an interview with Marie Claire (via ONTD), Stephen Moyer from True Blood had this to say about Edward Cullen from Twilight: "He's a pussy! He's the Slim-Fast, Diet Coke of vampires."

Oh, shit. He said "Slim-Fast!" That shit has to burn like a crucifix to the nalgas!

This isn't really a fang fight since Edward doesn't have fangs! Edward can try to blind Vampire Bill rays of sparklies! Kind of like the Care Bear stare! Precious, right? If that didn't work, Rpattz could act out a few scenes which would cause Stephen to go completely numb. It worked on me while I was watching Twilight (please don't kill me, Twihards).

You better say yes, because he would hit all of us in a row. I don't care if you've got two hairs on your head, no teefs, three eyes, the chronic farts and a bagina gut so large that it has to be held up with clamps, he would still get with that shit. If you can make the sex, David Duchovny will RSVP to your pussy party.

But SERIOUSLY, David is looking a lot better since his sex rehab days. Not being completely addicted to the snatch has done him some good. I guess he traded 12-hours of amateur porn viewing for working out. Pumping iron instead of pumping pussy! Go on!

Here's David spending a little quality time with his wife Tea Leoni in Malibu yesterday. A source told People that they are working on their marriage and Tea is helping him through his sex addiction. Good for Tea! I'm sure it was a little weird when David jizzed in his trunks after a piece of sexy seaweed floated by him yesterday, but Tea should know that the old David would've done ass-to-mouth with it. Progress!

Here's three official pictures of Johnny Depp (as the Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham Carter (as the Queen of Hearts) and Anne Hathaway (as the White Queen) from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. All three of these pictures can easily get prime real estate at the Museum of Exquisite Eyebrow Art. My own eyebrows are bowing down.

It looks like the picture that leaked last year of Johnny as the Mad Hatter was pretty much spot on. Johnny still looks like the acid baby of Elijah Wood and Carrot Top. And in this picture, you can clearly see that Tim Burton took weave brows to a whole new level! Johnny's flame brows are taking me higher! If Andy Rooney didn't get his bush brows trimmed by his barber every week, they would look just like this.

What is Helena Bonham Carter's chola name, because homegirl looks like she has razors in her hair and hickeys underneath her collar. Baby Heart Girl? La Rojo Whisper?

If you aren't on your way to the emergency room, because your genitals exploded upon first sight of this scrumptious and delectable pepaw, read on. This is Donald and he will be the breakout star of Vh1's new reality show. Mark my words! You know you want to see this creampuff get crunk and slap a dude or barf on a bitch.

Donald is just one of the "millionaires" willing to shower Megan with cash on her new show Megan Wants a Millionaire. Megan is that one bikini-wearing ho with the pancake-face from Rock of Love and I Love Money.

Starting in August, the show will follow 17 millionaires as they try to buy their way into Megan's heart. Each week, Megan will quit a bitch who isn't paying up.

This is going to be some Rick Rockwell shit. Can you say "tax lien from the IRS"?

Vh1 has released pictures of a few of the supposed millionaires, but I've posted the hottest bitches below. None of them can fill a pair of panties faster than Donald, but they will still make you all puckery.

Joan Jett apparently handpicked Kristen Stewart to player her in The Runaways biopic. While I can admit that Kristen has Joan's signature butchie mullet down, I just don't see the rest. Why couldn't Joan just play herself. Yeah, she's like 50, but she would do a better job than that dripping faucet. I mean, if Jessica Biel can pretty much get away with playing a biological female on screen, then Joan can pull off playing 16.

But on to more important things. Does anybody know who that hot sexy piece with the ginge toupee is? Oh, how I want to fan his flames with my nalgas.

Bruno's world domination officially started in Paris yesterday at the premiere of his movie where he killed hos with his Naired pancake nalgas and fancy farts. That gayderhosen on Bruno wasn't glittery at first, but then when he put it on....SMASH. CLICK. GLITZ.

Fun fact: This was Tommy Girl's original costume in Valkyrie, but for some strange reason the producers vetoed it.

Here's more of Bruno puckering for the cameras yesterday and also leaving his hotel later in the day wearing Gay Al's "Ode to Thriller" outfit.

Unfortunately, Twit and Twat did not get mauled by cannibal monkeys in Costa Rica. They are back in the states. But fortunately for us, Al Roker interviewed them on Today this morning and he acted like he would rather have been getting a prostate exam from this dude's hand. When Al Roker doesn't even want to breath the same air as you, you know it's time to retire to the nearest roach motel. I bet you if Twit and Twat were covered in powdered sugar and melted butter, Al still wouldn't want to get near them. That's serious.

The flesh-colored dick bush and his pony wife didn't miss a beat and immediately called into Ryan Gaycrest's KIIS-FM radio show to bitch about their treatment. Twatty told Ryan, "I'm still trying to figure out, was the weatherman asking us questions? I thought we were getting interviewed by Matt Lauer or something."

Heidi added, "I was shocked at how rude he was - I was crying afterwards because I couldn't believe I felt personally attacked. I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you're talking to me right now? I'm just a young woman and you're coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited. I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all."

Cheeseburgers should be especially careful around Al Roker, but not women.

This is probably the only time in the history of ever that I actually liked Al Roker. Who knew that two queef bubbles would make that happen?

Let me take that back. This isn't the first time I felt a like in my no-heart for Al. This was the first time: