I feel like we need a picture of a pair of man nipples every Friday to start off our weekend the right way, so here's Hank Azaria to fill that request.
You know, I was watching The Marriage Ref last night (don't judge, I'm at my mom's house) and Tina Fey was talking about how men with hairless chests look like hot dogs. I kind of, sort of see it here. Although, Hank doesn't really have the complexion of a hot dog. He looks more like a tight piece of pastry dough wrapped around a hot dog. A buff Pig in a Blanket, if you will.
No, the man with Jersey Shore's J-Woww (or JWoo-Hoo if your name is Vicki from Real Housewives of OC) is not Dana Carvey dressed as James Cameron for an SNL Oscar special. It's her daddy Terry Farley! Now we finally know where J-Woww gets her stunning good looks from.
I don't know why J-Woww has been hiding D-Woww. As soon as that Angelina trick and her Hefty luggage set left the shore house, D-Woww should've moved right in. If he danced by himself on the boardwalk, everyone would've gathered around and made it rain dollars on his ass. Seriously, eff those Jersey Shore whores, give DWoww his own show.
What else is there to discuss about these pictures of John Barrowman deep-throating a banana in London the other day? John is into that banana. And that banana is into John. You know it was soft before he licked the tip. Okay, I'm stopping, because I don't want to keep your finger tips from running over to Photoshop to replace this banana with your peen of choice. Get to work!
To help you wash away the image of a plastic baby doll motorboating Tila Tequila (see below...or don't), here's some eye bleach in the form of a picture of Peter Dinklage walking his dog in NYC yesterday. Peter and his dog will take you up, up and way. It's just what the dealer ordered. TGIF!
The next time you are waiting for a train at the Kinokawa's Kishi Station in Japan, you better pay your respects to Tama the Stationmaster Cat by curtsying before her and kissing her paw oh-so gently, because the pussy got a promotion!
Japan Probe brings us the very important news that the train operator officially named Tama as their operating officer in a fancy ceremony the other day. This is the first time in history that a cat has held a high-powered executive level position at a railroad company. This also confirms for the ten millionth time that Japan is made of 100% potent MAGIC!
As the station's operating officer, Tama will continue to supervise her two feline assistants, Miko and Chibi (I'm not making this up). Tama's duties will also include: working a hat like no other bitch can, taking naps frequently, yawning at mice and throwing commuters an IDGAF-look when they try to talk to her. Basically, this pussy accomplishes more in one day than I do in a whole year! This promotion was well-deserved.
And to really seal the deal and further prove her importance, the train operator added a fey feather to her hat. Try not to let your eyes roll out of your head when you see RiRi walking around with a feather in her rooster nest. Bitch stole Tama's look a while ago , and she'll do it again.
Clip of Tama's promotion ceremony below:
Hopefully, Tama spent her bonus money on a catnip 8-ball. Pussy needs to have some fun since she works so damn hard. VIVA TAMA!
Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn't Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark's iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.
A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?”
Marky Mark's panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I'm older than Kim Zolciak's first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky's ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.
So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.
Johnny Depp is the only human with a penis on this planet who can wear an Anna Wintour-inspired bob on his head and still make nipples twitch like they just swallowed a gob of wasabi.
Actually, let me rewind this bitch and correct myself. Johnny is the SECOND dude in all the land who can pull off a Wintour bob. Peter Pan Dude and his bob have been making genitals yodel for years! Get a piece of this (if you haven't had two servings already):
Here's more of Johnny making causing mass bagina bukkake at an airport in Tokyo earlier today.
Vadge left Baby Jesus with the sitter last night to attend a screening of Tom Ford's A Single Man at MOMA in NYC last night.
Maybe Tom Ford's hotness is temporarily blinding me a little or the thought of sticking my tongue in that martini has put me in a good mood, but I actually think Vadge looks good. I feel your side-eyes burning through my pores already.
I also might think that because Sunset Blvd. is one of my favorite movies, and Vadge looks like she spends her nights serenading dead monkeys and seducing screenwriters into penning her grand return to the silver screen. Yeah, that's probably it.
After Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant outside of his house, his wife came running with a golf club to rescue his ass. The Police Chief told AP that Elin Nordegren used the golf club to smash out the SUV's back window to get Tiger out of there. When the ambulance arrived, Tiger was laying in the street with his wife over him.
TMZ also says that right before the accident, Tiger and Elin had a fight of words. Hmmm...I wonder if their argument had something to do with Tiger possibly doing down low sexy times with rising homewrecker to the stars Rachel Uchitel? That would explain why he was running out of there at 2:30 in the morning like the devil was trying to nibble on his ass lips.
You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this story. Maybe Elin was trying to beat the whore out of Tiger and chased him out of the house? Or maybe after Tiger crashed, Elin went out there to save his ass, because she needs him to bring in more cash before she drops divorce papers into his lap? Whatever the case may be, Elin does not play around and Tiger better watch his ass.
These two absolutely shameless famefuckers posing with Joe Biden threw whatever dignity they had out the window and crashed Obama's first state dinner on Tuesday night. HA! This is just like the time my cousin busted on in a children's birthday party at Bullwinkle's just so she could get some free sheet cake from Costco. Only this is not as glamorous.
The Washington Post reports that Michaele and Tarq Salahi breezed through a secret service checkpoint in order to get in. They flashed fame-eating grins at the cameras and acted like they had received a personal Evite from Michelle Obama herself. When they got inside, they sipped on cocktails from the open bar and took pictures with all the fancy people. That night, one of them wrote on their Facebook pages: "Honored to be at the White House for the state dinner in honor of India with President Obama and our First Lady!" SCRAGS BITCHES!
A rep for the Secret Service confirmed that Michaele and Tarq crashed that motherfucker and went on to explain: "Everyone who enters the White House grounds goes through magnetometers and several other levels of screenings. That was the case with the state dinner last night. No one was under any risk or threat."
I still don't know how the Secret Service didn't tackle Michaela upon first sight. I mean, she totally looks like one of Ann Coulter's mutant mouth sores all grown up.
Since they didn't have anywhere to sit at the actual dinner, they probably snuck into a hallway and quietly ate cold tuna sandwiches that Michaela hid under her sari.
And OF COURSE, Michaela is rumored to be one of The Real Housewives of DC. Bitch fits right in!
BONUS! Gawker posted a clip of their amazingly awesome wedding video. The fake wedding bells at the beginning really set the mood for this elegant affair of tackiness: