Hotness

Lauren Bacall is Twittering! At least, I hope this is her Twitter, because that means she will deliver countless shiny and bitchy gems. Nobody tells it like a memaw, because they really don't give an eff. And if you don't agree with them, they will whoop you with a switch, a garden hoe, or a....shoe. The latter was Lauren's weapon of choice when she was tempted to beat some sense into her granddaughter over the Twilight craze. Lauren Twittered:

"Yes, I saw Twilight - my granddaughter made me watch it, she said it was the greatest vampire film ever. After the 'film' was over I wanted to smack her across her head with my shoe, but I do not want a (tell-all) book called Grannie Dearest written on me when I die. So instead I gave her a DVD of Murnau's 1922 masterpiece Nosferatu and told her, 'Now that's a vampire film!' And that goes for all of you! Watch Nosferatu instead!"

You crazed Twihards out there shouldn't even bother trying to attack Lauren for her comments. You will lose. In fact, Lauren might be a vampire herself, so you should get on your knees and worship her. I mean, I get twitchy every time I look at Lauren's furry worm brows, but I quickly file those thoughts under "Don't Go There." Because Lauren is always right

VIA Contact Music

Poor Tracy. She wasn't used to the fresh sex fumes and it made her a little delirious causing her to confuse her Facebook boxes. It's a good thing Michael found the right box the night before. OW! I hope Tracey's fiance reads this, so he realizes that he needs to put on a mining hat and explore Tracy's love cave more often.

Here's a close-up of Tracy's love note to Michael. Git those cave juices flowin', Tracy!

UPDATE: It looks like Tracy's been hacked (her Facebook page, not her vag). The Next Web thinks 4Chan got a list of devout Christian Facebook users and decided to have a little fun with them. Tracy's page is still active and her sister is so mad about this that she has turned into KANYE WEST. Oh, well. I guess Tracy's love cave is still dry. Sigh. (Thanks Kevin)

VIA Buzzfeed

Any dress that offers maximum exposure of the titty...I mean...chest area, has shoulder pads and can easily pass for one of Sammy Jo Dean Carrington Fallmont's wedding dresses gets an A+++ in my book. Another bonus is that if Rachel McAdams was suddenly possessed by the devil, causing her head to spin backwards, she wouldn't have to turn her dress around! The front could pass for the back and vice versa. As my favorite alien, Ramona from The Real Housewives of NYC, would say: KA-DOOOZE!

Anyway, here's Rachel and Erica Bana at the premiere for that movie that kind of sounds like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure meets a Danielle Steel novel.

Look! It's Kimmy Fucking Gibbler.......AND she's signing one of Aretha Franklin's training bras. Thank you, Wednesday. Thank you!

ONTD posted a bunch of pictures from Uncle Joey's website of a mini Full House reunion which included Danny, Steve, DJ, Stephanie and my best friend in the head KIMMY GIBBLER! Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky couldn't make it. And the cast failed to answer the riddle correctly, so the Olsen Trolls couldn't leave their post at the bridge.

The gang got together in order to autograph a gigantic watermelon holder to donate to a breast cancer charity in Michigan called "Bras for a Cause."

Yes, Kimmy is looking like she's come down with a case of the Gosselins, but I don't care. Kimmy can do no wrong in my book.

And I hope they Fabreezed the shit out of that bra after Bob Saget handled it. You know his penis coughed on that thing.

Remember Fred and Sharon? I mean, how could you forget? They improved your life with a video movie. And now the two masters of Canadian video movie art have returned to improve Jennifer Aniston's love life by offering some advice. Jennifer Aniston needs to immediately clear out her fake nursery and move Sharon in to be her personal "professional counselor."

And if you feel like you were just roofied after watching that video. You're not alone. Actually, I think Sharon woke up from a roofie nap before shooting this.

Here's some pictures of Gerard Butler driving Jennifer Aniston to the beach yesterday where they drank wine and laughed a lot.

The Glittery of YouTube needs to stop production on all Beyonce-related material and pick up Shakira's new video for "She-Goat She-Wolf." My ass needs to see them fluttering about in a cut up Capezio catsuit, grinding on their mother's guest bed, thrusting in a large-sized dog cage from Petco and... and... and... And what the hell are they going to use for that giant *fancy* sparkly organ cave Shakira's busting it in? That part looks like a lost scene from Ricky Martin's colon cam.

VIA Idolator

YES!!! I'm so excited....I'm so excited....I'm so....ooold. Yes, this People Magazine cover starring the cast of Saved By The Bell reminds me that I will soon be spending my days licking on Werther's Originals and talking to my Pantyhose Dolls in the retirement home, but who cares?! This is what all magazine covers should look like! The best part is that People used the "U DON'T EXIST" Photoshop tool to erase Screech from the 1989 cast photo.

Now if only there was a Photoshop tool to erase the images from his (NSFW) sex tape from my brain. Screech ruined Dirty Sanchezes for me.

VIA Cover Awards

This is the second time in one month that Debbie Rowe has been seen wearing the enchanted and mysterious Three Wolf Moon t-shirt! Since then, hundreds of people have donated their lives to serving her, money randomly falls on her from the sky and she even found her vagina on the first try. Debbie is never taking it off.

Besides, I doubt she can take it off! It's stuck to her like a magnet. The wolves feed on Debbie's nipple crust, under titty butter and pit juice for protein and nourishment. They're all good and they will be there forever!

Here's more of the wolf master visiting Dr. Klein's office yesterday. Yes, THAT Dr. Klein.

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site's fashion page. Marie Osmond's dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear "after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!"

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard...I mean...BRIDE! BRIDE! That's what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple's wedding page. It's the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque

Hot Slut of the Week alumni and the country's first tranny mayor, Stu Rasmussen, is facing criticism by a bunch of jealous bitches who just don't understand Stu's version of glamour.

Silverton Together, a non-profit group that works with chirruns, filed a complaint, because they don't think the Mayor of Silverton, Oregon should run around looking like a common tramp. The HBIC of Silverton Together, Ken Hector, said Stu went too far when he spoke to a group of students while wearing a bathing suit top, mini skirt and fuck-me heels. Ken said, "This was a business meeting pure and simple and it was not something on his free time."

Ken needs to touch himself more, because in my circle that outfit is good enough for Sunday church. It's not like Stu was wearing a fur thong and a t-shirt that said "Suck My Dick While Fondling My Titties." Some people really need to watch more Vh1.

Stu says it was hotter than "Tommy Girl's Scientolohole while watching Spartacus" that day, so that's why he wore that outfit. Stu said the dress code doesn't apply to him since he's not completely a woman or man.

Then Stu actually said these words: "I like looking in the mirror and seeing a fairly attractive woman looking back. If you discount the face, an amazing looking woman." Sorry, Stu, but that face isn't even going to sell at the 99 Cent Store. WELL! Stu handed that joke on a silver platter.

I suggest that the next time Stu wears that outfit, he slip on a pair of exquisite lucite heels. Everyone will be so mesmerized by his heels that they won't even notice the outfit. Let the power of the lucite save you, Stu!