Neil Patrick Harris

Who knew that Doogie Howser was a gusher? If your eyes woke up this morning with a craving for a picture of Neil Patrick Harris and Sandra Bullock making terrifying O faces as a geyser of slimy goo shoots into the air, here you go, you sucio perv.

Usually when Kristen Stewart's hands are covered in slime, it's because she ran them through her hair. But yesterday, KStew got covered in Slimer's butt drool after she hugged Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris while accepting her award for Favorite Movie Actress at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards in L.A. Yeah, the kids chose her as their favorite movie actress. This is why kids should never get a vote. And the Earth tipped a little to the side yesterday, because KStew gave her usual bitchface the day off and actually cracked a few smiles during the show. Nickelodeon must have stuffed the bongs in her dressing room with some serious good shit. Either that or that green's slime got some THC in it.

Here's a few more pictures from yesterday's KCAs. In order: Sandra Bullock, KStew and NPH (looking like Goop's colonic machine exploded all over them), Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, a greasy and knocked up Fergie Ferg, Ke$hit channeling Dumb and Dumber with her brother, a domesticated Sasquatch, Dog Chapman with Beth Chapman and the Smith kids.

Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

If "doing the horizontal Dougie on Doogie Howser" is an item high on your cum bucket list, then let this clip from The Price Is Right teach you how to cross that shit off the quickest way possible. Somehow get on The Price Is Right, freebase a whole can of Amp to give you that "hyena getting struck by lightning" feeling and when Neil Patrick Harris walks out, immediately dry hump him until security pries you off with an electric spatula. You will probably walk away with a prize package consisting of a restraining order and a permanent block on Facebook from NPH, but the memory of watching his face contort into a state of sheer fear as you sexually assault him in public will last forever.

Putting Rosie O'Donnell's gay family cruise to shame, Neil Patrick Harris, his partner David Burtka and their twin baby friends are currently making the pink dolphins in St. Tropez spit sparkly rainbows out of their blowholes by sailing around on a fancy yacht with Elton John, his husband David Furnish and their baby friend. BABIES AND GAYS! One of those things hates me right away and the other one of those things only hates me after I make a mouth vom when they ask me if I like Lady Caca.

When NPH and David aren't singing the lullaby version of show tunes to all those babies (the original cast recording comes out in the fall) down below, they're letting the sun grace their bulges on the deck.

You know, seeing NPH all grown up and with his own babies should make me feel old and lonely, but it doesn't. I'm too busy coming to terms with the fact that a topless Doogie Howser is making my nipples twerk by themselves.

Either Papa Smurf is trying to smuggle in a handful of Smurf Berries or trying to motorboat Katy Perry's chichis with his nose erection has left him with a slight case of Smurf Bulge. What kind of SUCIO behavior do you expect from a permanently topless forest daddy who doesn't have nipples to twerk so he has to get his fuck buzz from his other parts? Papa Smurf better slip on his mirror mask and start trolling The Rambles part of Smurf Village if he wants Vanity to Smurf the Smurf out of him.

And yes, a trailer for a children's movie taught me that you can make everything sound extra raunchy filthy dirty if you just slap a Smurf on it.

Here's a newly yallaw-haired Katy Perry, Neil Patrick Harris with his dude David, Alan Cumming, Brooke Shields, Hank Azaria (Who is checking for Smurf dingles before he starts Smurf tossing. See what I mean?), Sofia Vergara and Jayma Mays at last night's NYC premiere of The Smurfs.

As I blog from the front of Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's firehouse, waiting for him to prance out in a cloud of platinum glitter to propose to me using a ring he made with the locks of his diamond dust-covered pubes, let's all celebrate the engagement of Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka. You know EVERYBODY and their body waxer got engaged last night and now you can add NPH and DB to that list. They announced it on Twatter last night.

@Davidburtka David Burtka
@Team_Klaine4ver I've already purposed, he said yes! Thank god!

Davidburtka David Burtka
@Team_Klaine4ver he proposed to me as well. I said yes! Thank god!

@Davidburtka David Burtka
Neil and I have been wearing rings for years. We have been engaged for a while. It did not just happen.

I wish somebody would purposed to me. No, I don't know what that means, but I've got a $10 off coupon for the free clinic, zero standards and a no-no that's been through it all so I'm up for everything!

But seriously, this is not only good news for NPH and DB, but it's also good news for me. I can now follow in the footsteps of my gold digging heroes by marrying a senile old man for his money. I really feel like I haven't lived up to my full potential until I've looked a billionaire pruneface in his cataract lenses and said, "Your billions of dollars don't mean ANYTHING to me, but I'm allergic to ink and legal papers so I cannot sign that prenup." Now I just have to find a billionaire pruneface who will make my dreams come true. So if you know of a wealthy old bat who has shit eyesight (so he won't cringe when I pick and smell my eye boogers in the morning) and prefers the touch of a supple mound of bloat instead of a six-pack, send him my way! You get 10% of my divorce settlement as a finders fee!

And I really can't wait for NPH's wedding. My barren tear ducts may get moist when Vinnie Delpino walks him down the aisle to the Doogie Howser theme song.

via HuffPo

The other day I pleaded with the women of the world to open their own Michelle Duggar beauty franchise on top of their heads by reaching for the pink sponge curlers, the jumbo iron, a tub of Queen Helene hair gel and any can of hairspray with a toxic warning label on it. The reigning first lady of Broadway and Corky's mom Patti LuPone heard my pleas (or she's way ahead of all of us and planned this looks weeks ago) and walked the red carpet at last night's NYC screening of Company with her face framed with a flowing stream of luscious perfection.

Ms. LuPone's version is a little more demure and softer than Michelle's. It's like a gentle whisper of Michelle Duggar's exquisite mane, but she's on the right track. Next time, Ms. LuPone should dip her head in a bowl of gel as soon as she gets out of the shower and scrunch her curls in front of a heating vent until her hair starts to sound like a ho sitting on a bag of corn chips. Then she should keep the curling iron on her bangs until the smoke wafting from them sets off the alarm and the fire department shows up. That's how you know you're on the right side of beauty.

And with that, I can finally say that the Michelle Duggar hair revolution has officially begun!

Here's Patti's head carrying the flaming torch of glamour last night with Neil Patrick Harris, Christina Hendricks, Anika Noni Rose and the rest of the cast.

Where? - The Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in NYC
When? - April 9, 2011
Why? - Neil Patrick Harris and Christina Hendricks got almost naked for the New York Philharmonic's production of Stephen Sondheim's Company, which also starred Stephen Colbert, Martha Plimpton, Patti LuPone, Jon Cryer and Anika Noni Rose.
What?! - Yes, I'm still What?-ing at this too. On their own, satin lavender sheets, Doogie's nipples, Christina's magnificent chichis and show tunes about Spanish cities make me tingle over like I'm chewing on aluminum foil, but put them together and BOOM!

It's like my second ultimate gay fantasy (my first being a snuggle fest with Anderson Cooper on the back of Falcor as we ride through Fantastica) with a cameo by Christina's 8th world wonder tits. If you have the weirdest boner right now, you're so not alone.

And here's Neil Patrick Harris and his partner David Burtka putting their double dose of BABY!!!! on display in the pages of People Magazine for all of us to coo and awww (or hiss at if you've tested positive for a slobber allergy) at! A couple of fun facts: 1) Baby Harper Grace and Baby Gideon Scott will call NPH "papa" and David "daddy." 2) A dollop of NPH's man chowder and a dollop of David's man chowder were used with two eggs from the same donor to make their twin babies (Maury's brain just turned inside/out).

Looking at NPH and David with their chirruns makes me ALMOST (but not really) wish I had one of my very own so that together we could pose in a blue jeans/white t-shirt photo shoot. When you get up to heaven, before the gate keeper, Estelle Getty, lets you in, she'll ask you a series of questions from a check list and one of those will be: "Did you pose in a blue jeans/white t-shirt photo shoot with your family?"

You haven't lived life until you've got photographic proof that you once dressed like you just rolled out of a Wilson Phillips video or were a member of a branch of Karen's Kids who specialized in creating interpretive dances set to the songs of the Free to be...You and Me album.

I just wish NPH and David went all the way by posing in front of a blue sky background with sunflowers in their mouths. Oh, and they should definitely be sitting on those fancy white scroll pedestals. Definitely.

And here's another shot of NPH throwing David a "I think baby just farted on my hand" look:

via ONTD

Neil Patrick Harris took a swipe at the bow tie permanently fixed on the neck of Eric Braeden (who has played Victor Newman on Young and the Restless since the stone age) on Twitter today after the latter pulled out of a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother because he felt the role was too small. Doogie called Victor a d-bag and said Ray Wise is taking the part instead. Well, Victor Newman is not about to let Doogie slap him in the face with a white glove and so he slapped back in a statement to Entertainment Weekly. The word "whippersnapper" was used, so you know Victor is thisclose to beating a ho down.

I really don’t know who that fellow is. He’s a guy who stars in that series. It’s very unfortunate. First of all, I came back from hip surgery. I was off for three weeks. I’ve doubled my work, 30 to 50 pages a day for me, alone. Everyone knows that I’m exhausted. I was not about appear on a show for two lines, because that’s what it amounted to.

His choice of words bothered me. He seems to me like a young whippersnapper who’s received a few awards and is now suffering from the first sign of hubris. I’ve been in the business for 50 years. I’ve seen people come and go and I’m still here. If he is a worthy adversary, he’d better not cross my path. I will let bygones be bygones.”

And just when Victor was about to challenge Doogie to a gentlemen's duel behind the coach house at sundown, Neil Patrick Harris apologized on Twitter for calling him a d-bag. That's right, you young whippersnapper, you! Victor Newman might look like an old wheezy queen who shed a tear when his butler accidentally ripped his favorite silk pocket square, but the bitch don't play!