Porn

Remember back in March when you had to stand in the long line at the free clinic to get your ear holes gargled out with an amoxicillin rinse after you made the mistake of listening to Kim Kardashian's whorrendous shit single which sounded like a drugged skank toddler faking an orgasm for an illegal underground chat line? Well, Kim made a video for that piece of shit and above is a 1-minute preview that leaked yesterday. To say that the leak Ray-J's crooked dick made on Kim during her sex tape was more enjoyable to watch than this leak is a damn understatement bigger than the corroded cum ball Pimp Mama Kris pushed out after E! passed her a check for her main whore's wedding.

But it brings a fart to my asshole to see that Kim has finally returned to what she's good at: slithering around like a fat fish dying in an oil slick. This is some public access soft core shit from the early 90s and I'm mad that Robin Byrd doesn't pop out to tell us that you can get a personal lap dance from this lovely lady during her day shift at Cheetah's.

Kim is as brave as she is untalented, though. The last time a gross, greasy pig crawled around like that in a Kardashian's presence, Khloe galloped onto the set, grabbed it by its neck and dragged it kicking and squealing to her eatin' den. Where the the hell was Khloe Kardashian when we needed her most?!

If you're like me and made the mistake of watching that pile of ass lube, then I guess I'll see you in line at the free clinic for an amoxicillin eyeball rinse!

Here's Kourtney, her kid, Scott Dickhead and Kim arriving at JFK last night to start shooting their reality show Kim & Kourtney Take It Up The Ass in NYC. I didn't know Louis Vuitton made custom made Nuvaring cases for big-pussied whores?

Kacey Jordan is back on the troll stroll after telling Charlie Sheen that something other than a 16-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb. Kacey texted Charlie over a week ago letting him know that she's knocked up, but she's pretty sure it isn't his and she's going to take care of it. Well, Kacey took care of it and the world no longer faces the terrifying possibility of being terrorized by a crack-smoking baby who beats up chandeliers and chokes out porn stars with his pudgy hands for stealing his Rolex rattle. Actually, that sorts of sounds adorable in a "the world is ending, so why the fuck not?" kind of way. But that's not going to happen and that's probably for the better.

Kacey tells Radar that even though she doesn't think her unborn baby was made with Charlie's street corner junkie sperm fishes, it could've belonged to another celebrity but she's totally not sure. I'll let Kacey tell you the rest in her own eloquent words:

"I had the abortion last Thursday, I went home to Oregon to have it because that is where I grew up. I was sick and on the couch all day. I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily. Charlie and I tried to use protection... I kept having to put it on again. I don't want people to think I just had sex with him and didn't try to use one. I was just impressed he was able to finish really. A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his, but I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release."

Kacey cares about her pristine image and doesn't want us to look at her as a bareback slut. But yet, she doesn't care if we know that she's had 4 abortions and doesn't know who the father of her last unborn baby was? Directly file this first under: You're not helping the "keep abortion legal" argument so please just eat a cup of birth control pills and STFU.

This little midget trollop is a mess! It's like every Jerry Springer episode fornicated with each other and birthed out Kacey Jordan. Bitch could give Jerry a season worth of shows. I don't know whether I should worship at her feet or stick my fingers in a bowl of hot Hazmat soap every time I type her name. I'm tempted to go with the former after reading this:

"I had a sugar daddy in New Jersey for 5 months, he bought me everything but then, he put the lockdown on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything, and he was in control. You know, you get used to that lifestyle, then you end up having to do everything he says so you can keep it. I want to make my own money so I have freedom.

It is better to have lots of sugar daddies and rotate them. Yes, I want multiple sugar daddies."

What a modern woman Kacey Jordan is. She's too independent to be kept by one man yet she doesn't mind being the pussy slave to multiple dudes. A freelance kept whore! Suddenly, Gloria Steinman's world just got turned upside down. As is Justin Bieber's who can barely wrap his toddler monkey brain around one abortion let alone four.

If you build a porn convention, Charlie Sheen will come... Well, technically it will take a marathon handjob, a couple of lube kegs, a few Viagra freebases, a dozen girl-on-girl shows, a full petting zoo and the cast of Little Legends to make Charlie come close to cumming since coke is a known jizz plug. But what I'm trying to say is that the Adult Entertainment Expo hit Las Vegas over the weekend and of course Charlie was there with bells on his cock ring. TMZ says that even though his bosses want him to go to rehab, he was downing vodka shots and partying with porn stars including 23-year-old Bree Olson (the jam licker above).

Sources say that Grey Goose and Bree Olson weren't Charlie's only party favors in the Hugh Hefner suite at The Palms Casino. Charlie also brought two other porn stars up to his room. UsWeekly says that before they went up to his suite, Charlie was whining to people at the bar that executives from CBS are begging him to dry out. And of course, Charlie answered their pleas by making his liver scream for mercy and humping on Bree, who won the AVN for Best Anal Scene in 2008, thankyouverymuch.

Charlie Sheen partying with porn stars in Las Vegas is just like my therapist hanging up on me every time I call. It's not a shocking event! As long as Charlie's got a checking account full of cash, he's going to snort lines off of leased pussy. It's just the way. But Charlie does have a way of finding the most dedicated pussy peddlers out there. Imagine sucking on Charlie's permasoft coked up peen? That's some comatose dick and it's not even trying to get up. MAN DOWN CODE 10 dick. Giving Charlie a blow job would be like trying to eat a giant piece of dry brisket without any teeth. You're just gumming on that shit and waiting for it to go down. That takes real patience.

Steven Hirsch of Vivid Entertainment tells Hollywood Life that they are toying with the idea of making a porn parody out of Kanye West and Taylor Swift's "Imma let you finish" moment at the VMAs a million years ago. Timely! Steven didn't ejaculate up any details but he did say this:

“Vivid is definitely considering the situation between Taylor and Kanye for a movie. Of course, our take would be in parody form and could heat up the relationship between the two.”

This has to be fetish porn if it's between a gay fish who can't cum unless he's looking in the mirror and innocent nymph who was birthed from a lotus flower and will burst into a tornado of giggles if she stares at a real-life peen. You know the Moon Man's silver wang is somehow going to be involved. And you also know they're going to call this "Imma Let You Finish....On My Face."

When OctoMom first burst onto the ho stroll after bursting out 8 BABIES!!!, Vivid Entertainment offered her $1 million to spread her C-section scar in a porn movie. Octo clutched her rosary, made the sign of the cross and was so offended by Vivid's offer that she almost fainted into a puddle of offensiveness.

Well, it's 7-months later and Octo couldn't even pop 8 dollars out of her pussy if she tried. Octo is about to move her child army into the Super 8 down the street and she's putting on her chanklas right now to pay a visit to the WIC office. Octo's home is facing foreclosure and she might go on welfare.

Vivid heard Octo's woes and so they are circling around her once again. This time they are offering to give her $500,000 for just one hour of boning. This is the open sore letter they released today:

In a letter to Nadya, Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch says "We have an easy and ready solution for you to relieve yourself of this financial problem. We are offering you the opportunity to perform in one scene, for one hour in one of our movies and we will pay you up to $500,000.

"We can arrange for this to happen quickly so that you will get paid in advance of your October deadline.

"We urge you to give our offer serious consideration. We will work closely with you in planning your scene to make this an enjoyable experience for you," he added.

Gossip sites have reported that Nadya is close to going on welfare in order to support her 14 children. If she accepts the offer from Vivid, she will be able to avoid both foreclosure and welfare.

"I hope to hear from her very quickly," says Hirsch. "It appears she has no time to waste and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the results of her shoot with us."

There's no way Octo is going to take this offer. That crazy bitch would rather figuratively fuck taxpayers in the ass than get fucked literally on screen. If I was her, I'd Crisco up my coochie and ask Vivid for the time and place. Screeching babies, clouds of baby diarrhea, toddler vomit everywhere.... You'd have to suck on a crack pipe or suck on a peen just to deal.

That's how you know Octo is on the other side of sane, because she claims nothing makes her happier than hearing all ten million of her kids crying in the morning. Forget 69, 5150 that crazy.

Prison baby Leighton Meester of Gossip Girl is the latest actress trying to conquer the music charts. Don't you know that record executives won't even think about giving you a deal unless you've got at least 5 IMDB credits to your name?

Here's Leighton's shiny new video for "Somebody to Love" (Jefferson Airplane just crashed) featuring Alan Thicke's baby boy Robin. The video is pretty basic. It features Leighton doing ho stuff in a rent-a-limo, ho stuff on a restaurant banquette (pretend it's Black Angus), ho stuff in an elevator and ho stuff on sheer curtains. This is kind of how you spend your Saturday night. Well, instead of doing ho stuff in a limo, you do ho stuff in a pedicab. And instead of doing ho stuff on a restaurant banquette, you do ho stuff while waiting in line at White Castle. You get the picture.

I know this song may cause your ear holes to reach for the meth, but any song that will become a favorite at strip clubs everywhere is fine by me. This song is definitely going double condom wrapper.

Even cartoon fruits gotta get their fuck on, but a man in England isn't happy that they are doing it out in public and on the front of a candy wrapper. Simon Simpkins is madder than fish grease over the porny images on the wrappers for Maoam candies.

The wrappers feature a pervy lime, who we'll call Jon Gosselime, humping on a whory lemon and popping a couple of cherries. Simon's explanation of the wrappers is pretty hilarious. Dude is so proper! Simon cleared his throat, raised his pinky and told Metro, "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face. I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park."

Um. Did she happen to sit on a vibrator that was lying in her backseat, because you know that's what she was doing in that car park! The only thing that was distressed was his wife's coochie, because she got the sexy itch down there after seeing those fruits going at it. Truth!

Haribo, who produces the candies, laughed off Simon's claims and said, "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old."

What is the big deal? It's just a lime (who looks more like a lima bean) munching on a cherry and squeezing the jizz out of a lemon. It's natural! Simon really needs to fuck a fruit and lighten up a bit.

Porn star and future politician (the two go puss-in-hand) Stormy Daniels was put in handcuffs over the weekend (TWIST COMING) and it wasn't so that a sessy fake police officer could beat her 'gina lips with his mighty skin baton. No, bitch was really arrested after she allegedly beat her husband Michael in the head a few times in their home in Tampa, FL.

Michael told the po po that Stormy Chris Brown-ed him, because she didn't like the way he did the laundry. Okay, hold the Downy softener ball, because I bet Michael accidentally left a red thong in the washer when he put the whites in. ILLEGAL! Some bitches will cut, stomp, slap, kill and set fire to any ho who turns their whites pink. Turn a white pink and get slapped. I think that was rule #12 in my abuelita's Book of Life.

After Stormy was arrested, she admitted that she broke some candles and threw a potted plant in the sink, but didn't mean to hit her husband in the head. Stormy's defense was that she was just trying to get her keys which he was hanging over his head and she accidentally fisted him in the face. HAHAHAHA! This bitch! Although, 9 out of 10 scientists will tell you that the best way to get something from someone is to punch them in the mug. I'm surprised Stormy didn't use the "HE RAN INTO MY FIST" excuse (aka The Tommy Girl's favorite cover story).

Stormy was later released on $1,000 bail.

VIA TSG

Vivid Entertainment is piggybacking on OctoMommy's fame (the visual just destroyed me) by offering her $1 million for just one porn movie. Yeah, watching dudes dick slap her c-section scars is really going to make genitals explode in excitement.

TMZ says that Vivid is ready to make her a contract girl and if she agrees to that, her army of babehs will get full medical and dental insurance. But she'll have to do more than one porn.

Well, bitches have been calling her Octopussy, so she's already got the name. Or maybe she can call herself Vaginalina HOlie? Either will work. And for titles I'm thinking Eight Inches Is Not Enough, STRETCH Marks or Womb Raider? One of her "co-stars" can dress up like a giant sperm, she can dress up like an egg and they can do fucky times on a giant petri dish. Ugh. I can't. It's too early and the caffeine isn't even close to kicking in. I might have to shoot up coffee directly through my veins in order to deal.

OctoMommy is every kind of crazy, so I wouldn't pull out my pit hairs in shock if she actually went through with this. Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to this crazy.

If you watched the Super Bowl yesterday on Comcast Cable in Tuscon, Arizona, then you got a little porny gift during the game. Right after the Cardinals took the lead in the fourth quarter, the Super Bowl was replaced by Super Peen!!!! Customers got about 10 seconds of one of our best friends: porn. The porn clip showed some bitch pulling some fug dude's dick out of his pants. The dude then got up and did the slappy dance with his wang. This was all live!

Comcast says they are investigating why there was an interruption in the feed. Um. Dear, Comcast, you see the dude in your office wearing Steelers shit head to toe? Yeah, he did it.

You know, that at that porny moment a shit load of parents in Tuscon threw a bowl of nachos over their children's eyes and dragged them out of the room. Later that night, they all had to have "the talk." And all because of the damn Super Bowl! On the bright side, it's never to early to learn the slappy peen dance!

I was complaining that the Super Bowl would be a whole lot more entertaining if the dudes were running around half naked, flopping their peens around. The cable gods in Arizona heard my prayers and delivered, sort of. It should've been hardcore gay porn. I mean, that's what we all wanted thanks to those dudes running around in tight pants and the announcers talking about tight ends. Maybe we'll get that next year. Floppy peen replaced Janet Jackson titty this year. So gay butt sex will replace dancing dick next year. Stay tuned.

Click here to see the clip. You have to scroll down a bit. It's kind of disappointing that the dick is so douchy!