Kelly Preston

You know it's a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology's bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein's greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody's talking about how John Travolta can't pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I'm sure Moses himself parted Travolta's wig. I'm not talking about Moses from the bible, I'm talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.

Travolta didn't only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.

Here's a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we're on the subject of lush beards, let's pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.

Who knew that all this time Kristie "Third Wheel" Alley has been waiting in the wings, wishing for the day when John Travolta would finally shave Kelly Preston off of his face and pick her as his new beard. On tonight's 20/20 (via Radar), Kirstie tells Barbara Walters that contrary to popular belief, Krispy Kreme isn't the true love of her life, John Travolta is.

Kirstie says that she fell seriously in love with John while shooting the first Look Who's Talking movie and she never tried to beard him, because she was married at the time to Parker Stevenson. Kirstie says that she wanted to leave Parker and run away with John, but she resisted the urge. In between shooting the second Look Who's Talking movie and the third one, John married his lifelong beard Kelly Preston. Kirstie still considers John the love of her life, but she's happy to be his main fruit fly and cherishes all the time they spend together (aka having a kiki in the Scientology bath house.)

Poor Kirstie. Why isn't Kirstie the one on People Magazine talking about her "miracle baby"? Why isn't Kirstie the one giving John choreographed kisses on the red carpet? Why isn't Kirstie the one holding hands with John in staged photo-ops? Why is it that bitch Kelly Preston? Why didn't John choose her? Oh, Kirstie, always the fag hag, never the beard.

I don't mean to disrespect Kelly Preston's bearding skills, because she is a world-class beard, but Kirstie Alley would've been better. Kirstie would've gladly and loudly lied to everyone about how she gets it on with John all the time and he really knows how to work that dick on her cooch like a real heterosexual. Kirstie would've laid it on extra thick during staged public displays of affection on the red carpet. And every time John came home crying because another massage therapist ran away from his hungry, hungry b-hole, Kirstie would've made him feel better by making him a big pot of cake batter soup with cookie dough bits in it. Then Kirstie would've put on Auntie Mame and let John recite all of Rosalind Russell's lines. She'd gladly take Vera's lines. That's a beard to the end right there. Oh well, it's John Travolta's loss!

Sometimes I really have to slow clap for Kelly Preston's legendary and iconic beard game, because she's always 100% loyal and doesn't give a shit while giving a shit at the same time. Case in point: John Travolta and Kelly followed the rainbow which led them to gay mecca of the Mediterranean that is Mykonos. Fun fact: "Mykonos" is Greek for "poke me in the no-no." Hide yo male massage therapists, Mykonos.

Radar has a few pictures of John and Kelly smiling and waving at the cameras as they stroll through the gayest island in the Mediterranean. (Okay, it's not totally gay, but it's pretty gay. It's true that if you fart in Mykonos. Your farts will smell like the color of the rainbow.) I love the pictures, because there's John and Kelly smiling at everyone while I'm sure a bunch of gay boys hehehehehe into their cocktails off camera.

Either John and Kelly have the IQ of his day wig or they're geniuses. I mean, trying to kill the gay rumors by vacationing on the one of the gayest places on earth? I hope John and Kelly keep this "straight love in gay places" theme going, because I really want to see them renew their vows at the White Party in Palm Springs.

"Hand me the foreskin sweat-flavored lip gloss. Johnny has to do this shit with FEELING!" is probably the line Kelly Preston spit at her Scientology-appointed handler in the limo minutes before she did this with John Travolta on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of his movie Savages last night. John and Kelly tried to make the public forget about all the tales of his tingling, man-hungry Scientolohole by putting on a good-old fashioned, manufactured public display of ewwwffection show in front of the cameras. It didn't work. This is about as natural as the beaver's ass on John's head.

Just yesterday, yet another dude dropped a sexual harassment lawsuit on John Travolta's gitchi gitchi ya ya anus, so I understand why John and Kelly's publicist choreographed this stunt, but they should've rehearsed more. These pictures are where awkward goes to feel more awkward. John is trying to use his Scientology training to imagine Kelly Preston's lips as a succulent, twitchy man hole and she knows this, which is why her eye is saying "Please tell me this is almost over...." to the photographer.

Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness need to teach a class at the Learning Annex on How To Successfully Shoot Down The Gay Rumors with Some Public Beard Love, because those two know how to do it without overdoing it.

On a positive note, at least this gives Tommy Girl and the boys at the Scientology bath house something to giggle about as they do themselves in the butt with e-meter cans.

Here's John Travolta, Kelly Preston and their kids Benjamin and Ella Bleu leaving a hotel in Paris on Father's Day. If that look of pained misery painted on Kelly's face is because she once again had to piss in the sink of their suite's wet bar because John was having a bubble bath with his French call boy, then don't worry. Once they get in front of Sister Tommy Girl and Father Miscavige, their problems will be brain washed away! In a new interview with Extra, John talks about his son Benjamin ("He's dreamy!") and also says that the secret to keeping his beard fluffy and happy is their counseling sessions with their church. Xenu's just rolled his eyes so hard that a new flock of Thetans blew up into every Scientologist's asshole. Cut to Johnny:

"Communication is number one, but our church does a lot to help us keep together. When we have issues, we go settle it up, and if you don't do that you kind of get stale a little bit."

What he means by "does a lot to help us keep together" is that all the men gather into the sauna and counsel each other's prostates with their peens while Kelly Preston sits outside and plays checkers with Stepford Katie. Then when John comes outside, his "church" shows him pictures of what he just did and tells him that if he ever leaves them or Kelly, they'll splatter that shit on a billboard over Sunset Blvd. Kelly sighs and then they all go to dinner like one big happy family! I swear. Kelly's life story is waiting for John to get that dick out of his mouth so they can go to dinner already!

Kelly Preston's arm nearly went out to Charlie Sheen after he almost shot it off, and now she's sending him her heart. Before Kelly became John Travolta's main wig fluffer, she was engaged to Charlie for about a year. Their relationship ended with a bullet going into her arm during a mysterious gun accident. Charlie has proclaimed that the warlocks and the "church of the Martian idiot" are fighting on opposite sides of the octagon, but the Thetan holding that information must've left Kelly's being because she has nothing but love for Charlie.

At the opening of Kirstie Alley's Organic Liaison weight loss center last night, Kelly told People Magazine, "My heart just goes out to him, and all of his family. We were together for a year, and he wasn't drinking, and he wasn't doing drugs. And there's a beautiful person in there. He really is a great man. I think there's a way back for anyone. I always have hope, and my prayers are with him."

The disciples of L.Ro are better than me, because I wouldn't have any sympathy for a bastard almost left me with one fappin' hand. The only wish I'd send him is that a King Cobra sniffs out his tiger blood and tries to bite his arm off. On the other hand, by "prayers," Kelly Preston might mean "an alien voodoo chant of revenge." So her smile could have venom dripping off of it.

Here's Kelly with some of her fellow auditheads (Nancy Cartwright & Lois and Buzz Aldrin) and Maks at the opening of Kirstie's weight-loss center. Yes, Kirstie opening a weight-loss center is like Charlie opening up a mental health facility. I bet Organic Liaisons is like the opposite of that Jessica Seinfeld cookbook. Instead of hiding broccoli in brownies, they hide brownies in broccoli. That way everybody thinks you're eating healthy, when you're really getting your fill of the real good shit.

One would think that one of the main reasons (among many, I'm sure) why John Travolta is still married to Kelly Preston is so that he can deliver the portrait of heterosexual perfectness to those out there who have yet to get a whiff of his post-sauna man ass breath. That would include trying to act like he sometimes doesn't mind touching her tongue with his when they're out in public. But nope. John Travolta isn't even trying to act. That's what The National Enquirer (via SS) says anyway. Their sources say that at a restaurant recently, Kelly Preston picked at her dinner roll while John Travolta tried to pick up their hot waiter.

When John found out that their waiter is trying to make it in Hollywood, he immediately turned on the moves and went for that shit. The source says, “When John learned his studly server was an aspiring actor, he asked what projects he’d worked on, who represented him, etc. – and then flashed that award-winning smily and asked, ‘Could you give me your phone number? I might be able to help you out’. The waiter told me it really bothered him that Kelly never even looked up at him — not once!”

Kelly is a damn professional! Like she's going to break the straight wall? NEVER! This "pretending to be a loving wife" thing is probably doing wonders for Kelly's acting skills. I bet she doesn't even step out of character for a second when John orders the tossed salad and sausage on a bed of polenta from a hot waiter. Or when he throws her a "mint, please" look after coming back from the men's room with a fresh dick scent on his tongue. Fuck, Juillard! Being John Travolta's wife is how you really sharpen your craft.

At the 3:23 mark above, Kelly Preston tells Today's Natalie Morales why L. Ron Hubbard wants them to swallow their words and keep their screaming to a minimum while they push a heavy human baby out of their vagina holes. The Thetans slid off of Kelly's skin and new fields of barley grew as she actually quoted L. Ron Hubbard. Yes, she actually quoted L.Ro and used the words "aberration" and "psychosomatic" in the same sentence. This shit makes me want to scream as though a BABY!!! is coming out of my nostrils, ear holes, no-no, peen hole and all the other holes I have. Kelly is serious about this shit:

"Silent birth is basically just no words, as much as possible. If you need to moan, if you cry out, you know all of that, of course that’s normal.

But just bringing them in as peaceful and gentle a way as possible because L. Ron Hubbard found the single source of aberration of psychosomatic illnesses – stress, fears, worry, things like that – have to do with the reactive mind. And in that part of the mind is different words and commands that can come back and affect you later in life.

My kids have always been amazing. Just very calm, very peaceful, happy and I absolutely know it's very much because of that."

How about we extend silent birth to silent life? Okay, no. I believe Kelly. I'm sure the reason why Scientology children are so calm is because stressful words never penetrated their brains at birth. Yes, that is why all Scientology children calm. Cut to Suri Cruise throwing a custom-made Louboutin at her personal maid for serving her ice cream that is too cold.

And if you ever hear John Travolta screeching in the saunas, poke your head into his room and let him know that if Kelly can't holler while she's pushing, then he can't holler while he's taking.

John Travolta has thrown a baby-proof lacefront on his head this morning, because he's a father to a newborn baby all over again! While surrounded by giant "L.Ro Commands You To SHHH!" signs, Kelly Preston silently removed the velcro from her pillow bump and the surrogate quietly tiptoed into the room to hand over her new BABY BOY!!!! And as she mimed the words "coo" into her new baby's face, John's friends at the bath houses passed around blue cigars (no comment on what they did with those cigars). But in all seriousness, John and Kelly confirms to People that she birthed out the new baby prince of Scientology:

John Travolta and wife Kelly Preston are parents to son Benjamin, who was born Tuesday in a Florida hospital.

The baby weighed 8 lbs., 3 oz.

"John, Kelly and their daughter Ella Bleu are ecstatic and very happy about the newest member of the family," they say in a statement. "Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully."

YAY for John. YAY for Kelly. But a special Xenu YAY for Suri, because now she has a new arraigned friend to smoke barley joints with in the back of the Scientology center in 15 years.

Kelly Preston is three weeks away from NOT MAKING ONE SQUEAK while pushing out Suri Cruise's future arranged husband, but she already knows what name she's going to write on the birth certificate. John Travolta is in Australia without Kelly for Qantas' 90th anniversary party and he took a moment from tap dancing for peen in the men's room to tell Star Magazine what name they have chosen. Drum roll on your E-meter machine...

The baby friend's name will be: BENJAMIN TRAVOLTA!

I know, what a perfectly normal baby name. I'm almost as disappointed as John Travolta when he sticks his mouth on a glory hole and nothing pokes at his tongue. I mean, no Xenu Jr.? Or Irus (Suri backwards, duh)? Or L-Ro? Ugh. I want a refund.