Tom Hardy

I don't have ovaries (although, I did listen to two Sarah McLachlan albums in a row this weekend, so there's good chance I have some now), but if I did they would've melted and dripped out of my ass as soon as I laid my eyes on these pictures of Tom Hardy and a pit bull puppy in a sweater. Tom cuddled up to his pit bull puppy friend on the set of his new movie Animal Rescue in Brooklyn. I was hungover as hell, but looking at these pictures cleared that shit right up. Looking at Tom Hardy also gave me lipstick and I didn't know I could do that.

These pictures could totally bring world peace. These pictures should be printed on banners and those banners should be flown over North Korea. Kim Jong-un would swoon right out his Dennis Rodman underoos and immediately give up all of North Korea's nuclear weapons. These pictures have the power.

If you're planning to see The Dark Knight Rises (or Cheech & Chong Presents: The Dark Knight Lights Up as Rush Limbaugh calls it) in IMAX this weekend, then you're probably reading this while camping out in line so you don't have to sit in the front row with the dumb hos who didn't wait hours in advance before the movie starts. Seriously. My not-knowing ass went on Fandango yesterday afternoon to buy tickets to an IMAX showing on Friday night. You know how you're laughing at me right now? Fandango did the same thing before re-directing me to the site: inyourfuckingdreams.stupidbitch. A lot of IMAX showings have been sold out for weeks and some people are even selling their tickets for up to $100 on eBay. Crazies.

But you know, I shouldn't even bothering seeing that shit when I can instead spend my Friday night with a bottle of Sun Peak Peach, a copy of Photoshop, this picture of Tom Hardy with a bottle in his mouth at the London premiere of TDKR and all kinds of clip art. That's all I need to birth out my new Tumblr: Tom Hardy Sucking On Things.

Not only is Tom Hardy sucking the tip of the luckiest water bottle in the world, but he's doing it while wearing a suit and a trench coat. That is the place where SWOON goes to really swoon. And since we're on the subject of swooning out of our chonies, I also threw in some pictures of Prince Hot Ginge at last night's premiere. Congratulations to us all!

The Dark Knight Rises (aka Batman Takes A Viagra) premiere went down in NYC last night and cam whore turned action star Tom Hardy came out with his piece Charlotte Riley and a freshly manicured and groomed beard. Tom Hardy's beard used to look like it was harvested on (NSFW) Demi Moore's pussy, so thankfully he cut that shit on Christian Bale's razor sharp cheek bones. Don't get me wrong, I love a bushy face shrub that can exfoliate your thighs while polishing your labias, but his newly pruned beard really makes them dick sucking lips pop. Those lips are so luscious that he can practically give you a quick beej just by puckering at you from across the room.

So Christian Bale was also there last night, DUH, with his wife Sandra and so was Anne Hathaway. Let's stop at Anne for a second. Anne's Sandy Duncan ass haircut sometimes looks good and other times, like this time, it makes her look like Cesar Romero in a touring production of Peter Pan. Moving on... Also there was Marion Cotillard (as a swollen eyed swan... beware of orange eyeshadow), Cillian Murphy, the hottest bitch on the carpet Gary Oldman with his wife Alexandra, Morgan Freeman and Joseph Gordon-Levitt who recently offended pretty women by saying that pretty women aren't funny. JGL needs to get an eyeball transplant, because there's a million women who are both pretty and funny. I mean, what about the most beautiful and funniest woman on the planet Carrot Top? The audacity of some bitches.

The record for the most nerdjizz loads to hit the ceiling at the same time was broken last night when the newest trailer for The Dark Knight Rises (Yes, I think of a bat boner every time I read that title) was released (Yes, I think of Batman shooting out a bat signal made of bat chowder every time I read "Dark Knight released"). What I got from the trailer is that Bane gets a vocal cord transplant with Liam Neeson and when he's done blowing up New Gotham York City and shit, he should read classic English novels on tape or narrate the next Planet Earth series. His voice is like English Breakfast for my ears. I'm also trying to get into Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, but the husky voice she's putting on makes her sound like she's got a hairball stuck in her froat and she's about as mysterious as a Scooby Doo episode.

And you know, more people should say, "There's a storm coming" at the beginning of trailers, because that's not done enough. I would be so pissed if someone told me there was a storm coming and they really meant it as a metaphor. If some ho told me a storm was a coming, I'd go out and buy yet another piece of shit bodega umbrella thinking that it's going to rain when what she really is meant that a bunch of comic book villains are coming to burn our city down. Bitch, just say we're all going to die. Now is not the time for your poetic metaphors and yes, you will reimburse me for that bodega umbrella.

Tom Hardy made fap-tasies interesting for gays and admirers of man-on-man fuck action when last year he said that in his 20s he slapped his peen on man asses, lady asses and any other kind of asses that twerked for him. But then Tom quickly took it back and said his words were twisted around to make it sound like his peen lips have touched more prostates than vaginas. And now in an interview with Marie Claire UK (via Radar Online), Tom wanted to clarify that shit more and said his dick sucking lips have never wrapped around a dick and he's never experienced that awkward feeling of quickly pulling his peen out of a clenched man ass after busting an O. Tom put it like this:

"It’s just a shame things are misconstrued and I don’t get the opportunity to explain. I have never put my penis in a man. I’ve never had a cock in my arse, and I have no fucking desire for it. If that’s what you like, cool. But it doesn’t do it for me."

So what Tom Hardy is really saying is that he's a member of The Mouth is a Mouth Club and will stick his dick in any glory hole without asking any questions. Good for you, bitch. But sorry, Tom, I can't respect you as an actor and artist until you get into full blown anal complete with poop noodle. But I still want to climb up to your bald head, paint a urethra on top of it and then flick at it. Seriously, that head needs some trompe l'oeil dick lips.

The only time Tom Hardy's name should be linked to the Lohans is if it's announced that he will play the role of Michael Lohan in gay porn parody on the Lohan saga. That is the only time. But since 2012 is sitting across the room and blowing air kisses at us, the rules have changed. TMZ reports that Tom Hardy, who has been dry for 7 years, is Lindsay's new sober mentor and showing her how to keep her face worms off the bottle and her nostrils off the bad shit.

TMZ's source says that Tom and LiLo met through a mutual friend. They had dinner last week and Tom is filling LiLo's head with advice on how to stay riding shot gun on the wagon.

This is not going to end well. Tom Hardy is the best of both worlds for LiLo. I mean, Tom's got a dick on the crotch and labia lips on the mouth! Bitch is a two in one. LiLo can get on the peen while munching on the sloppy cooch on his face. We're going to have to turn the garden hose on her and pry her off with a crowbar. You know, the same drill Nana Lohan does whenever White Oprah tries to get into her medicine cabinet.

Here's LiLo being totally annoying at a Lakers game in L.A. last night while looking like if a dusty Muppet played the role of Lisa in Girl, Interrupted.

It looks like one of the mangy and raggedy moplets from the Twilight wig closet broke free and galloped towards Istanbul to seek refuge on the top of Tom Hardy's head. It's not a bad place to seek refuge, but that Julian Assange-like busted wig is bringing down his hotness to dangerous levels. Tom is wearing that dingle-ridden mess on the set of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, so it's part of the job, but still! Way to screw with the beauty. Although, that wig does look like it would make a good cum mop.... Hmm. SOLD!

And he even covered the table with Saran Wrap! And he brought a cup of your favorite flavor of lube (that's not coffee)! And AND he's got his camera phone out ready to document all the dicking and debauchery for his Xtube account. That Tom Hardy thinks of everything.

The real truth according to The Globe and Mail is that Tom Hardy threw himself on the table at Vancouver's Darkday Studios so that tattoo artist Brian Glatiotis could ink a Union Jack over one of his juicy chest cutlets. Tom could get his own exhibit at the Museum of Tragic Tattoos, but that's part of his charm. If it wasn't for those tats, he wouldn't look like a recently sprung ex-con who earns his child support payments by dancing for old dudes in a porn shop off the highway.

While you were making a paper clip necklace under fluorescent lights in your office cubicle yesterday, Reese Witherspoon was getting tied up with rope by Tom Hardy (grabbing onto his giant gun) and Chris Pine on the set of their movie This Means War in Vancouver. WHAT A WASTE. Think of all the nasty dirty filthy thoughts that could been produced from this moment. But no, that didn't happen. Reese has a miniature Pollyanna mouse sitting at a tiny desk in her brain who types out all of her G-rated thoughts, so there's no way she orgasmed in the brains about being the meat in a Hardy/Pine peenini.

She's probably thinking to herself: "Hmmm. I wonder if I took that chicken out of the freezer drawer for dinner. Hmmm...." or "I should really ask the handyman to re-grout the tile in the downstairs powder room" or "Oh, look at that pretty bird sitting on that dainty tree branch. The inspiration for my next tea kettle cozy project has been found! Can't wait for knitting circle on Saturday night!" Some bitches....

On the left we have Tom Hardy making those arm veins bulge like Kirstie Alley's colon after feeding time while carrying grocery bags home in Vancouver. And on the right we have Ryan Gosling eating the fuck out of an apple on the set of his movie in Los Angeles. It really is the simple things in life that give you a reason to take your pants off during a work day.

The only way these pictures could be better is if Ryan Gosling was biting into Tom Hardy's succulent nalgas instead of that apple.......

Actually, the image of Ryan Gosling Cape Fear-ing Tom Hardy's ass cheek isn't one that makes me want to close the drapes. Why do I have to ruin everything?!