Eddie Cibrian

I am temporarily interrupting your eyes' ride of ecstasy on Wayne Newton's veal parmesan face to bring you these pictures of Eddie Squintbrian and Falcor Rimes starring in The Neverending Whoring at last night's Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas. Eddie and LeAnn were cheesing it up for the cameras like there's one spot left on InTouch Weekly's cover and it's printing day. In the span of just a few minutes, these two whores started a pregnancy rumor, burned retinas by kissing and then LeAnn flared her teeth like a buck-toothed pony doing Liz Lemon doing Julia Roberts' cackle. There are a million reasons to hate on Eddie and LeAnn (example: making you hate Equus for putting ideas into Eddie's head), but you can not deny their red carpet whore game.

Although, LeAnn should've toned down that laugh a bit. The last time I saw a malnourished creature maniacally neigh like that, it was in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and it ended with the farmer sadly telling his young son that his "pal" has gone crazy and needs to go to "the farm" to get some "sleep."

And wearing that dress is only okay if you're a back-up dancer at the club where Kate Capshaw performed in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

I don't know what's more terrifying: those jorts or LeAnn Rimes bestiality beej face?

LeAnn Rimes and her arch rival Brandi Glanville both resisted the urge to beat each other in the head with their rock hard titty balls and temporarily put all their differences aside for the sake of the kids a photo-op! During Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son's soccer game in L.A. yesterday, she put on a manufactured smile for the cameras even though she knew there was a good chance she would get kicked in the froat by one of LeAnn's studded hooves. But LeAnn didn't do that. The malnourished Falcor played nice.

You're probably thinking that this just shows us that a pap's camera lens is so powerful that it can bring two fame whores together, but I know what's really going on here. LeAnn obviously believes that you keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. You keep your enemies so close that they'll slowly begin to trust you and won't see it coming when you eventually gnaw their face off and wear it over yours as you let out an evil neigh over the transformation finally being complete! I see you, War Horse. I see you.

Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.

LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:

LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.

CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?

LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.

CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.

LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.

If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."

Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.

Mortal enemies LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville resisted the urge to shank each other in the jaw with their clavicle bones yesterday afternoon when they both showed up to watch Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son play in a soccer game. Sadly, the game's halftime show featuring LeAnn and Brandi in a BONY BITCH BRAWL (which I'm sure would look like two erect pencil dicks sword fighting in a dead pony's mouth) was canceled, because the two stayed away from each other. But the shriveled and dehydrated clitoris of a Falcor did get in a few shots when she sucked on Eddie's face and played with Brandi's boys right in front of everyone.

But Brandi still got off easy. It could've been much worse. If Brandi opened her mouth for any reason (examples: yawning at LeAnn's STUNT QUEEN moves, dry barfing over the fact that LeAnn looks like a paraplegic pony balancing on stilts made of chopsticks, etc...), LeAnn would've slithered down her throat, taken over her body and finally become the Brandi Glanville she's always wanted to be!

In the cafeteria of an Irish retirement home somewhere, a table is missing its cloth...

LeAnn Rimes and high fashion go together like Eddie Cibrian and monogamy, but that didn't stop her from trying to look avant-garde at last night's benefit for The Trevor Project in L.A. last night. LeAnn's jockey needs to lead her back to her stable to feed on a clue, because this look will never be the look on her. LeAnn looks like a parched watercolor pony wearing an oversized cape and those shoes should only be worn by the gothic carriage horses of the evil queen in a Tim Burton movie.

LeAnn wore this green vomit mess for one of three reasons:

1. Thirsty bitch needs more attention and is trying to give birth to pregnancy rumors.
2. LeAnn accidentally swallowed the lime seed she sucks on for dinner and it made her feel like a bloated fat fuck, so she covered up.
3. LeAnn wanted Eddie's pinched eyes to sparkle something extra so she wore his favorite color: the color of cash.

I'm going with #3.

Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brand Glanville spent her Thanksgiving gorging on mashed self-pity and sweet potato WAAAAH, because she says she spent the holiday all by her sad lonesome self while her boys were forced to watch their evil stepmother nibble on grains of revenge in her feedbag. Since the word "private" is a foreign one to Brandi's ass, the slut pig (copyright: Kim Richards) got on the Twatter stage to let out a long, mournful fart about how Eddie got the kids for Thanksgiving and he's trying to get them for Christmas too. Brandi claimed that Eddie sent her a threatening e-mail about their custody agreement and she thinks he believes she's one of the reasons why The Playboy Club got canceled and so he's punishing her for it. These are the notes that floated off of Brandi's violin as she played a sad song for herself:

@hatecheaters23 any divorce lawyers wanna give me some advice on a threatening email?Its like he is punishing me cuz he lost his job!
25 Nov

@AnnieBowl its always nice to be threatened with jail time & loss of custody for wanting my kids 2B w there only 3 cousins for xmas!bully!
25 Nov

@MsFran53 he blames me for everything bad in his life. I just want to spend xmas with my family and the boy'sd only 3 cousins!
25 Nov

@kntrygrl07 yes, I wanted to stay in sacto 4 xmas day but altho he has had them 2 yrs in a row cuz he cheated the system I hav 2b home by 1
25 Nov

@CherisCheris he will send my ass to jail if it is at all possible!
25 Nov

LeAnn Rimes is usually the kind of War Horse that can't wait to gallop into a Twitter fight, but when The Babble (via ONTD) asked her to respond to this mess, the malnourished Falcor acted like barfing out private shit on Twitter is way below her even though she invented that shit.

Until private, family matters can stay that way we cannot communicate properly and through a public forum is not the way. I have fallen short myself out of anger, but for the kids sake only try to share happiness. It's no one's business, our family business and since you will not hear both sides of the story no one should judge nor jump to conclusions. I do not know what has been said except for what I just read, but it's far from the truth, I will say that.

But who needs words when a picture is worth a thousand stabs to Brandi's lonely pathetic heart. On Thanksgiving Day, LeAnn Tweeted the above picture of her, Eddie and Brandi's boys.

This is the part in the post where I'm supposed to write that Brandi and LeAnn both need to shut the Tweet up, but I'm too busying trying to figure out if Eddie's Movember stache is hot in a 70s pornstar kind of way or if it makes him look like a 1950s Cuban plantation owner who rapes the goats when the ranch hands aren't looking.

And here's a braless LeAnn showing off her Ziploc Bag tits in Malibu on Saturday.

The walking dried bean curd with feuding titties celebrated her 29th birthday over the weekend with a good old-fashioned fame whoring bikini photo op in Malibu with her partner in homewreckery Eddie Cibrian and his children. Your 25 cents a day will go toward a special couples weekend for LeAnn's War of the Roses silicone sacks since it's obvious that they're still sleeping on opposite sides of her bony chest and refuse to even reach out and touch each other. They've been pushed apart and need to reconnect.

Because if her nomad nipples don't sing "Reunited" to each other, she'll just keep terrorizing our retinas with her sternum of doom. It must kill the mood when Eddie has to pull out an industrial-strength clamp to titty fuck LeAnn.

And while I appreciate that LeAnn wore a knit bikini filter over her ass, that mess should really be worn over the anus hole on her face so it can filter out all the shit she says.

While the malnourished luckdragon of Mississippi partied with Eddie Cibrian at Chicago's Lollapalooza this past weekend, she showed everyone (read: the photographer's camera) a fake tattoo she got on the side of her carcass. The temporary tattoo is of her wedding vows and was made using the dark tears her stomach spits out because it's HONGRAY. LeAnn's tattoo says this:

"You gave me the courage to be truthful. I promise to give you the comfort to be trustful."

Can a tattoo cross itself, because that one totally is. That really is the eye roll of tattoos. I can get "I Want A Hot Clit In My Mouth" inked into my body, but that doesn't mean the tattoo is going to compel me to follow through with it. (And now I suddenly want "I Want A Hot Clit In My Mouth" tattooed on my lips.)

LeAnn then went on Twitter and tried to act like she was shocked that the media is talking about a fake tattoo she got so that the media can talk about it.

Too funny! I got a stencil not a tattoo! Its not "news"... however, I can't get it off. In search if rubbing alcohol I think!

That is too funny. "I can't get it off. In search of rubbing alcohol" is the exact line Eddie Cibrian is going to huff out when his side whore tells him she's uncomfortable with him finger banging her with his wedding ring on. No! Eddie Cibrian isn't that stupid. He's a seasoned cheater now. He only wears a clip-on wedding ring.

The one time I visited Chicago was in the ice cold dead of winter and this was long before I moved to New York, so I really didn't know what it felt like to get hypothermia up in my anus. My saliva froze to my teef, my genitals crawled up into my body for hibernation (come to think of it, they've never come back) and I had to learn how to breathe through my ears since white snow cubes blocked my nostrils and I looked like I had just nose fucked a snowman's asshole. During my two week visit, there was one day where the temperature reached above -10 and hos stripped off their North Face down comforter body cocoons like they were at Hedonism in Jamaica. Nobody makes a fur coat over a bikini top look especially exquisite like a Chicago native.

Well, Chicagoans might not get excited for a little heat now that YOU KNOW WHO is moving there part-time while her bought-and-paid for husband shoots The Playboy Club. When LeAnn Rimes isn't throwing a side-squint at any trick slut who gets close to her bitch, she's going to be flaunting her gross bikini no-body all over the place. LeAnn Tweeted this (via UsWeekly):

Boxes are a go for Chicago! Very excited for our new adventure! Lots of flying back & forth, but well worth it! Beyond proud of my husband.

Three sets of toiletries, three sets of clothes. Starting Thursday, our time is split between L.A., Chicago and the world! I'm ready! All great things!

Truth is, the people of Chicago shouldn't only be worried during warm days. They should always be worried. The weather will not stop LeAnn from showing off her emaciated silicone lizard body. Bitch is famewhore-blooded and has a suitcase full of battery-powered heating pad bikinis. You've been warned.

So I'm going through these pictures of LeAnn Rimes with her partner in squintery Eddie Cibrian squinting at an ESPY's pre-party, and I wanted to remember what she looked like before she survived only on a diet of married dick and Brandi Glanville's cloned genes. I went all the way back into the 1900s and pulled out the glorious topaz gem on the left (duh) from 1997! Now THAT is a look I can promote.

In case you couldn't already tell, the answer to my headline question is a heavily hair sprayed THEN!!!! The LeAnn of 1997 was a 15-year-old who got up an hour before everybody else in the house so that she could tease her hair in front of the bathroom mirror (with a picture of Tina Yothers taped onto it) until the wave on top of her head resembled a decapitated swan head. That was a girl who appreciated all the colors in the Wet 'N Wild rainbow and wasn't afraid to dance along it with her lips. That also was a girl who told her friends that she was styled by Charlotte Russe personally and they probably believed her.

The LeAnn of today looks like an emaciated salamander in a Cache dress and that's a damn shame.