A while ago, there were rumors that the producers of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills were leaving a trail of laxative pills from LeAnn Rimes' cave in Fantasia to their casting offices, because they wanted her to join the cast. LeAnn's arch rival Brandi Glanville said she thought the rumor was funny since LeAnn always shits on the Housewives and LeAnn later said it wasn't true. But just because LeAnn said "neigh" to the producers of Housewives doesn't mean that she's saying "neigh" to all reality shit shows.
Gossip Cop says that LeAnn and Eddie Cibrian are currently pitching their own reality show about their life together. It'll be the perfect show to watch after Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Because right after you gain 30 pounds from watching Mama June drink a gallon jug of melted butter and liquefied Peeps, you can barf it all up while watching LeAnn and Eddie act like they have the perfect life.
If I wanted to see an emaciated pony with fake tits slobber on a squinty whore of a donkey, I'd turn on Animal Planet After Dark. LeAnn's brain must've slipped out of her gaping nostrils, because putting her marriage in front of reality show cameras is the dumbest thing she's done since marrying Eddie Cibrian. Everybody knows that nothing kills a marriage faster than a reality show. This is not how it's supposed to end, anyway. LeAnn and Eddie's marriage isn't supposed to die because of a stupid reality show. It's supposed to die when she catches Eddie's side piece biting onto one of her Union Jack pillows as he hits it from the back on their Pier 1 daybed. Brandi Glanville feels so cheated, again!
Here's LeAnn hollering and yodeling at her concert in London a couple of weeks ago.
Because LeAnn Rimes thinks she's the sexy hot stepmom, she went to her stepson's baseball game yesterday dressed like a down-and-out train track whore on her day off. This outfit is a bigger mess than LeAnn's sanity. It doesn't really bother me that she wore skank shorts to a children's event, it bothers me that she wore those shorts with that sweater. Tacky!
I mean, who wears that kind of sweater with shorty shorts usually worn by a go-go boy at a goth gay club? That shit doesn't go together. Either wear that sweater with white cotton coochie cutters and high heel Chucks or wear those plastic shorts with a latex bra and a velvet choker. Poor boy had to try to hit the ball while his stepmom was sitting on the bleachers wearing the worst walk of shame outfit ever.
And did LeAnn screw with her mug again, because she's starting to look like a Dark Crystal pantyhose doll that got mangled in the wash.
Eddie And LeAnn Make Fun Of Brandi On Instagram, Because It's Not Like They Have Anything Else To Do
And it's not like I have anything else to do but write about all these dumb bitches, which might make me the dumbest bitch of them all. Developing...
Eddie Cibrian somehow found time between spending LeAnn Rimes' money and trolling Ashley Madison for side tricks to open up a public Instagram account. Eddie said he only used Instagram to share pictures with his friends and family members. But after "no-lifers and losers" somehow found Eddie Cibrian's Instagram page by typing, "Eddie Cibrian Instagram page," and started leaving messages of hate, he closed it forever. A couple of weeks before Eddie shut down his Instagram page, he Instagrammed this picture and added the note: "Drinking and instragramming whatttttttttt my new book title." Get it?! But LeAnn went on her Twitter yesterday to say that they weren't making fun of Brandi, because that picture is from two years ago so obviously Brandi is the one who stole from them!
@AsianPosh1 @allabouttrh @eddiecibrian since he didn't tweet that and that was over two years ago....it's the other way around
These bitches are all obsessed with each other and I'm starting to think they're in on it together. If LeAnn wasn't publicly flaring her nostrils at Brandi Glanville, nobody would be talking about Brandi Glanville. If Brandi Glanville wasn't publicly aiming her shank at LeAnn and Eddie, nobody would really be talking about LeAnn and Eddie. I bet that when they're not stage fighting for relevancy, they're all three-way spooning together in LeAnn's stall. I see all of them!
And a special fuck you to Eddie Cibrian for using delicious booze in his stunts. What did booze ever do to him? How can I enjoy a shot of Patron now that the image of LeAnn making squint-ified sex eyes is burned into my brain. I did not need to see her "rimming" face.
Here's LeAnn wearing leftover gift trimmings from Christmas at a Grammy event last night in L.A.
And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And now a week before her book comes out, there's a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she's the victim of Eddie's nomad dick when she didn't exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won't see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she's been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.
A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.
Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.
Can't we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin' before, during and after their marriage. Let's assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let's also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he's married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They're both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.
The Real Plastic Faces Of Beverly Hills' Brandi Glanville is still whoring her book out hard and knows that the easiest way to sell a book is to put a hi-res picture of Prince Hot Ginge's peen in it. But since Brandi doesn't have that, she's selling that book hard by releasing the most foolish pieces from it. Brandi's latest jewel from her treasure trove of fuckery is about how she and Eddie Cibrian bumped crotches just hours after that they met at a West Hollywood nightclub. Brandi says that she kept saying no, but she meant yes and the whole thing was HILARIOUS!
“Six years after I moved to Europe, I came back to Los Angeles to shoot a Coors Light commercial and ended up in an obnoxious nightclub called Grandville on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. Across the bar, I spotted an insanely attractive Cuban man who just couldn’t keep his eyes off me, and I couldn’t keep my eyes off him either. It was love at first sight – or perhaps, lust. Yes, we slept together that first night. I would never endorse sleeping with someone you just met, because half of the fun is the challenge. But, man, was it fucking hot! I used to joke that he ‘raped’ me. Rape jokes are never funny, except when they are. I was saying, ‘No,no,no,’ the entire time, but we all know that despite the adage, sometimes no does mean yes.”
Daniel Tosh just fell in love! I'm sure in a few months Brandi will be standing at the altar and holding Tosh's hands while laughing as he tells rape joke after rape joke in his vows to her. They are meant to be!
Seen here at a glamorous event at a McDonald's last year, Brandi Glanville writes in her new tell-all Drinking and Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders that after Eddie Cibrian tainted her pristine vagina with the pussy juices from all of his side pieces, she got a face lift on her coochie and used his credit card to pay for it. Looking at that picture above probably convinced you to have Chicken McBites covered in sweet 'n sour sauce for lunch and then reading that sentence changed your mind.
Brandi writes that after she birthed out her two sons, she asked Eddie if her vagina still looked like a freshly bloomed baby pink calla lily or if it looked like two long pieces of sardine jerky fighting over a chewed up wad of gum. Eddie told her it was still precious until one time he told her it wasn't. Then after Eddie dumped her for LeAnn Rimes, she decided to de-Cibrianize her twat. Brandi says that she was broke and living in her SUV at the time, so she charged the surgery to Eddie's credit card:
"I would ask Eddie from time to time if my vagina was the same after childbirth. He always said yes, except once. He was actually quite vulgar.
I decided that since Eddie ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. A week after the vaginal rejuvenation surgery, he was on the phone screaming, 'What the fuck cost you $12,000? Did you get a nose job?'I responded simply, 'Yes. A nose job.' And I hung up."
Great. So now LeAnnRimes, the Hedy to Brandi's Ally, is going to track down the plastic surgeon who restored Brandi's vagina to its pre-Cibrian glory, ask to see the "after" pictures and say, "I want that pussy on my body!" Single White Vagina starring Brandi AnalGlanville and Falcor's malnourished twin sister.
Because the generic brand version of the Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston feud is good for Brandi Glanville's business, she continued to kick at LeAnn Rimes' bony ass bone on Watch What Happens Live last night. The humanized Siamese Cat that is Andy Cohen brought up LeAnn Rimes' never-ending Entertainment Tonight interview, where the malnourished Falcor said that Brandi keeps trashing her on Twitter and in the press to keep Brandi's reality show career going. Brandi laughed at the interview and said that all of LeAnn's interviews are "cray-cray" and that she is "insane." I really wish we could see LeAnn's reaction to Brandi calling her a crazy bitch for the millionth time, because I really want to see her nostrils flare until her nose flaps touch her ears.
Andy also brought up a part in Brandi's book where she basically says that Eddie Cibrian is a gold digger who is using LeAnn as his "sugar mama." Brandi then figuratively grabbed LeAnn and branded the word "INSANE" into her ass before going on to say that LeAnn watches The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills all the time. If you need to experience this highly exciting interview for yourself, watch below:
Eddie's dick-serving skills came up and Brandi said he's "a nine in the bedroom," but she would never get with that shit again, because he makes "her skin crawl."
First of all, of course Eddie is a 9. Brandi didn't have to tell me that. He's got crazy bitches fighting over him like his peen shoots out delicious horsey sauce from Arby's. Second of all, why did I ruin my lunch by picturing horse sauce shooting out of Eddie's peen and onto LeAnn's roast beef sandwich? I hate myself.
LeAnn Rimes' Entertainment Tonight interview with Nancy O'Dell is the eye roll-inducing gift that keeps on giving your eyeballs a reason to roll. LeAnn Rimes said in her ET interview that her body "wouldn't let her stop" having an affair with Eddie Cibrian. That's LeAnn trying to say "I'm suffering from stage 10 Dickmatization" in the most poetic way possible. LeAnn also said that she's not trying to get knocked up, but she still gives Eddie the coochie whenever he wants it. When Eddie wants to stick the tip in her gaping nostril before she sneezes, LeAnn flares and lets him have it. via UsWeekly:
Do Rimes and Cibrian want to have children of their own? "Yea . . . I think so," Rimes hesitantly told O'Dell. "That's kind of the talk we've had for awhile now. Who knows?"
Still, Rimes clarified, they aren't actively trying to get pregnant. "Not right now," Rimes said. "No, we're not!" Regardless, Rimes bragged to O'Dell that they have a very steamy sex life.
"Have you seen him?" she joked. "[Sex is] whatever time. Any time of the day. Whenever he wants it."
LeAnn went on to say, "Yeah, I give Eddie sex whenever he wants it. I just wish he wanted it with me some of the time."
Your brain is probably still on the floor if you read that ESCANDALOSO expose at Deadspin about the Notre Dame football player who is either a dumb bitch for successfully getting Catfished for over a year or he's a dumb bitch for making up a dead girlfriend for maximum publicity (take note, Taylor Swift). If your brain is still on the floor, put it back in your head, because here's an equally important and fascinating (not really) quote from LeAnn Rimes about whether or not she thinks Eddie Cibrian's drifting dick will ever drift into another ho's twat.
"Everyone else would think I am a liar if I didn't say yes, and I have at times. It's definitely creeped into my mind, as it would anyone's. I think we've been very honest and open with that to each other, and our conversations about it have only made me understand how much he actually cares, as much as I do, about being faithful to each other. Where I'm at in my relationship with Eddie, that is not a worry that's in the front of my mind."
Scheana Marie, that sad pony-faced trick from Vanderpump Rules who Eddie cheated on Brandi Glanville with, claims that he cheated on her with LeAnn Rimes. So basically, Eddie Cibrian is a cheating slut who just can't stop being a cheating slut. LeAnn's ass probably knows this and she just looks the other way. When LeAnn walks in on Eddie with a mouthful of side snatch, she shrugs and then skips off to the kitchen to make herself a laxative-tini. When LeAnn kisses Eddie hello and a curly, black pube ends up in her mouth, she pulls it out, shrugs and then skips off to her laptop to tweet about how he's the great love of her life (after Twitter, of course).
I swear, sometimes good dick is a thing of evil. It blurs your vision and screws with your brain. Before Eddie came along, LeAnn didn't seem that crazy to me. But then when she got herself some good dick, her brain turned inside/out and delusion became her best friend.
That's also the face she makes when her Ex-Lax Smoothie kicks in. Can someone get LeAnn Rimes a chair, bench, curb, step, stoop, ottoman, horse statue, or patch of grass to sit down upon? This desperate bitch needs to have a seat! After scaring the stuffing out of that child that lost X-Factor (and then blaming her for it), drunk-ass laxative lady LeAnn spoke to Extra (again) about how her new ditty reluctantly references her and
gigolo husband Eddie Cibrian having hurt each other in the past. "Borrowed" is about these dickheads falling in love on the set of a Lifetime movie and fucking over their spouses. A classic and dignified love story for the ages. Actually, Brandi Glanville (and LeAnn's checking account) are the only ones who got fucked over. Falcor's ex Dean Sheremet slipped into some buttless briefs and twerked it for the boys in celebration at the nearest gay bar. Shaved beard AND alimony? Werq!
"I actually was scared to put him in the song, because it does talk about how we both hurt each other," she explained. "There was a moment where we did have some hurt between the two of us that we had to accept and get over and move forward."
What could the hurt between them have been? Twitter finger fatigue? STDs colliding? LeAnn got her first post-Eddie AMEX bill? Eddie confessing his revulsion over how much pooping time she puts in?
As for that song title. "Borrowed" implies that you're going to be giving it back. Considering the current situation, I wouldn't lend this bitch any books you want to see again.