Spending most of your day tweet brawling with your Twitter haters while wearing a two piece and taking sips of your only meal of the day, a Corona Light, is really tiring work, and so it's no surprise that LeAnn Rimes checked herself into inpatient rehab yesterday for "anxiety and stress." Don't worry about going through withdrawals from not seeing pictures of a piñata stick in a 'kini, because I'm sure LeAnn will update us daily on her progress by Instagramming pictures of her wearing her de-stressing two-piece in group therapy.
"This is just a time for me to emotionally check out for a second and take care of myself and come back in 30 days as the best 30-year-old woman I can be. All the things in my life will be there when I get out, but you know what? I'm hoping they're not going to affect me as much. I'll have the tools to know how to deal with them."
LeAnn's rep added that even though hating whores are constantly cyber bullying her for having the body of a chicken bone, she's not in rehab to deal with an eating disorder or an addiction to mind-numbing substances. Her rep also said that she's still going to perform on the weekends, because she doesn't want to let down her fans.
Eddie also piped in with his own statement, because it's just another way to get his full name on People:
"My wife is the most remarkable and courageous woman I know. I am so proud of her for having the strength to finally take some time for herself. I will be with her every step of the way."
And Eddie went on to say, "I am also taking this time to de-stress, because constantly scrubbing random pussy juice smells out of my crotch while sitting in the driver seat of my car after fucking my side piece in the backseat has really taken a toll on my nerves."
Eddie Cibrian turned 39 yesterday and to celebrate the born day of the man whose got her dickmatized, LeAnn Rimes had a special birthday cake made and that mess belongs in the Cake Wrecks Hall of Fame.
If LeAnn doesn't tweet it, it doesn't exist, so she shared that sugary gross mess with her followers yesterday. LeAnn says it's a cake of Eddie's favorite things including his boys, a paddle board, a Lakers jersey, a Bronco and her giving him a hoof job in bed. The hell is wrong with her? There should be a law that makes it illegal for bitches to ruin delicious, beautiful cake by fugging it up and LeAnn would be guilty of that. Nobody wants to see Eddie and LeAnn hand bang each other in bed and I especially don't want to see it in fondant form. Those two little fondant boys are right below and they're trying so hard to not look up. I don't think I've ever seen sugar look that scared before in my life.
Not only is that mess offensive to cakes, it's also factually incorrect. If LeAnn really wanted to put Eddie's favorite things on one cake, she should've just thrown a bunch of cash on top and called it a day.
(Thanks to all the FalcorAnn Rimes lovers who sent this in)
One way to deal with your arch rival telling a magazine they wanted to kill you is to Tweet picture after picture after picture after picture after video of you murdering a target to show a ho that you can shoot a gun without your popsicle stick arm popping off. LeAnn Rimes is supposedly shaking out of her Jimmy Choo horseshoes, because her husband's ex Brandi Glanville has threatened to kill her life several times. Because LeAnn is not one to waste an opportunity to whore herself out as much as possible, she sent Brandi a not-so-subtle public warning message in the form of these pictures. These bickering bitches...
I'm all for women fighting over a man and some kids, because it makes them look like morons and that's good for business, but really? Brand is a dumb ass for using LeAnn's name to get 5 seconds of publicity and LeAnn is a dumber ass for keeping this mess going. They're like the Dollar General version of Angelina and Jennifer. I swear, there are a lot of things I'd scrap over (examples: the last Kit Kat, DVDs of the only season of 2000 Malibu Road, a lifetime supply of Jell-O 1-2-3, etc...), but Eddie Cibrian and some kids are not on that list. If LeAnn spent as much time on her singing career as she does on these fame whore stunts, she'd have a singing career again. Even if LeAnn doesn't care about her singing career anymore, she has to know that sending some stupid message to Brandi takes precious time away from trolling around in a bikini for the paps. Bitch needs to get her priorities (and those implants cause they're a mess) straight.
And on another note, these pictures should scare EVERYONE, not just Brandi Glanville. The next time you take a horse out back, it may put you down instead.
Brandi Glanville recently told NW Magazine, in so many words, that if murdering the life out of a luckdragon didn't automatically get you a life sentence in the Ivory Tower, she would've killed Falcor Rimes a long time ago. Brandi said that the kids at her son's soccer game almost witnessed two plastic praying mantises with fake tits go at it after she strolled onto the field and caught LeAnn Rimes having a sweet bonding experience with her son. Brandi knew how Bridget Fonda felt in Single White Female, because there was LeAnn Rimes with her son, her old husband and her current tits. Brandi nearly stabbed a trick in the eye with stiletto:
"I remember walking up . . . and there she was with my baby in her lap. My blood was boiling, and I thought I was going to kill her. I really thought I was going to physically hurt her. That was the first time I saw her that way--she was sitting in my soccer chair, under my tent, she's got my kid on her lap and she's with my husband, and that was that little moment of total irrational fury."
Brandi says that she's never going to make LeAnn a friendship bracelet, but LeAnn gets along with her boys and that's all she really cares about. However, a source close to LeAnn (aka the full-time fanfiction writer LeAnn hired to stretch Brandi's quote to fuckery proportions for maximum exposure) tells Celebuzz that Brandi regularly threatens to turn her into weave glue and LeAnn hasn't been this scared since one of her stepsons threw a rubber snake at her hooves. The source says that LeAnn is thinking of taking a restraining order out against that crazy bitch:
“Brandi has told LeAnn to her face multiple times that she would kill her if she could. LeAnn is scared of Brandi and believes she is unstable. LeAnn’s own mother is concerned for her daughter’s safety too and regularly calls her to tell her so.”
Stupid dramatic bitches being stupid dramatic bitches. Brandi knows exactly what to say to get space in UsWeekly and the only hos LeAnn is taking a restraining order out against are the Four Wind Giants for trying to mess with her while she's flying through Fantastica. But you better believe LeAnn is going to use this to her advantage. LeAnn wasn't going to eat that plate of food anyway, but now she's really not going to eat that plate of food in case Brandi dropped poison in it. And LeAnn was going to call the paparazzi anyway, but now she's really going to call them so they can get photographic evidence if Brandi tries to run her over. LeAnn might've been diagnosed as "lame" by the farm where she was born, but she ain't dumb!
Looking like an invisible carrot is hanging above her mouth, LeAnn Rimes poses in a completely natural photo taken at her vow renewal ceremony (pronounced: bowel removal ceremony) with Eddie Cibrian last week. Because LeAnn and Eddie have nothing but fuckit money and time on their hands (check in with me in six months when I tell you that Eddie has nothing but the genitals of another in his hands), they galloped down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and paid someone to put together a vow reminder ceremony on their first wedding anniversary. If LeAnn doesn't tweet it, it didn't happen, so she posted that hilarious portrait along with this note for her followers:
Thought I'd share a few smiles and a special moment. Thank you @joebuissink for our beautiful vow renewal pics."
This is LeAnn and Eddie we're talking about, so they definitely made the photographer take pictures of their asses until the bones in his clicking finger broke, and yet this is the picture they chose to share with everybody? LeAnn obviously wants to be the STAH of every picture, but does she also want to be the one looking like the place where flies go to die? This mess looks like the poster for My Bride Flicka.
I am temporarily interrupting your eyes' ride of ecstasy on Wayne Newton's veal parmesan face to bring you these pictures of Eddie Squintbrian and Falcor Rimes starring in The Neverending Whoring at last night's Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas. Eddie and LeAnn were cheesing it up for the cameras like there's one spot left on InTouch Weekly's cover and it's printing day. In the span of just a few minutes, these two whores started a pregnancy rumor, burned retinas by kissing and then LeAnn flared her teeth like a buck-toothed pony doing Liz Lemon doing Julia Roberts' cackle. There are a million reasons to hate on Eddie and LeAnn (example: making you hate Equus for putting ideas into Eddie's head), but you can not deny their red carpet whore game.
Although, LeAnn should've toned down that laugh a bit. The last time I saw a malnourished creature maniacally neigh like that, it was in a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie and it ended with the farmer sadly telling his young son that his "pal" has gone crazy and needs to go to "the farm" to get some "sleep."
And wearing that dress is only okay if you're a back-up dancer at the club where Kate Capshaw performed in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
I don't know what's more terrifying: those jorts or LeAnn Rimes bestiality beej face?
LeAnn Rimes and her arch rival Brandi Glanville both resisted the urge to beat each other in the head with their rock hard titty balls and temporarily put all their differences aside for the sake of
the kids a photo-op! During Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son's soccer game in L.A. yesterday, she put on a manufactured smile for the cameras even though she knew there was a good chance she would get kicked in the froat by one of LeAnn's studded hooves. But LeAnn didn't do that. The malnourished Falcor played nice.
You're probably thinking that this just shows us that a pap's camera lens is so powerful that it can bring two fame whores together, but I know what's really going on here. LeAnn obviously believes that you keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. You keep your enemies so close that they'll slowly begin to trust you and won't see it coming when you eventually gnaw their face off and wear it over yours as you let out an evil neigh over the transformation finally being complete! I see you, War Horse. I see you.
Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.
LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:
LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.
CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?
LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.
CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.
LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.
If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."
Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.
Seen here looking like a 45-year-old desperate divorced mother of two trying to pick up young meat at Spring Break in Daytona Beach, FL by luring them in with her really cool (served in a chilled tumbler of sarcasm) trucker hat, the Falcor of the south LeAnn Rimes forced some of her Twitter followers to issue an AMBER ALERT for her last week, because she wasn't Tweeting every other damn second like she normally does. Some figured that maybe LeAnn's loved ones finally did the right thing by staging a bikinivention before throwing her into rehab for a level three bikini addiction, but she neighed on Twitter yesterday that she had mouth and jaw surgery.
“K, coming clean….I had minor surgery this week and I’ve been in SO much pain it’s not even funny. Nothing major just annoying! Pain pain go away!!!!!! When it’s mouth pain and jaw pain it makes your whole head pound! YUCK."
It's nice to know that LeAnn has found a way to Tweet and wear a bikini through the pain. And I'm sure as she typed "it's not even funny," Brand Glanville laughed until silicone leaked out of her nipples at the image of Malibu's finest horse doctor taking a scalpel to LeAnn's mouth. So, it is funny to some, LeAnn. And I know you were hoping that by "mouth surgery", I meant that LeAnn got her jaw wired shut, but no. I'm guessing that LeAnn just had her molars removed since she doesn't eat solid foods anyway and it'll make her lighter. WIN/WIN!
Here's more of LeAnn in Malibu yesterday, side-boobing for the paps and doing butt sex with a bottle of sun tan lotion.
Well well well... Just days after Brandi Glanville bragged about putting her mouth on an oily, half hard wiener, LeAnn Rimes practically did the same thing at a Mavericks game in Dallas last night. Is there any part of Brandi's life this bitch won't copy + paste onto hers? Bitch is as shameless as the sick dragon dog-loving porn freaks out there who are totally fapping to this and this (although, sh e might be gagging herself to skinny in the second one).
I know the real story here is that LeAnn is not wearing a bikini (mark this day, etc...), is not Twatting and is putting something in her mouth other than her own fucking foot, but I'm going to ignore both of those things to say how disappointed I am that Khloe Kardashian didn't let out an attack roar before jumping on LeAnn. I've been waiting for a sequel to Mothra vs. King Kong for forever!