LeAnn Rimes

LeAnn Rimes wasn't drunk and she wasn't in the middle of a diarrhea attack brought on by a laxative overdose during her awkward duet with Carly Rose Sonenclar on The X-Factor last night. LeAnn is supposedly suffering from the sicks, but that's not the excuse her lawyer gave to TMZ. LeAnn's lawyer Larry Stein says that LeAnn wasn't giving the superstar performance (insert eye roll here) she usually gives, because she was sharing the stage with a little girl who couldn't really handle the song. Oh, Falcor, I like your jokes!

The X-Factor isn't Carly Rose's first time singing in front of a bunch of people. She's performed in a couple of Broadway shows including Les Miserables and has yodeled out the National Anthem at several sporting events. So it's not like Carly Rose's only performance experience was singing in front of her stuffed animals in her bedroom. But LeAnn is still saying that Carly was really nervous and "she was trying to help this 13-year-old girl who was having some trouble with the song." Larry wants to make it clear that LeAnn wasn't drunk or on anything at all, "LeAnn was not performing the way she would normally perform, because she was on stage with a young girl."

Judging by Carly Rose's side-eyes and death glares, she wasn't as nervous as she was annoyed that a slurring hyena was trying to sabotage her. LeAnn Rimes thought she was back in her Star Search days when she used to sabotage her competitors by sprinkling shards of glass in their Kool-Aid.

You stick with that excuse, LeAnn. But I would like LeAnn a whole lot more if she kept it truthful by saying, "Of course I was drunk! The only way I can get on TV is if I sing with a damn child on a two-bit talent show. You'd be drunk too!"

UPDATE: LeAnn Rimes went on Twitter and said she never said anything to TMZ and she hopes Carly Rose wins tonight. You don't remember saying it, because you were drunk, LeAnn! Give me that bottle and go to bed.

On part 1 of The X-Falcor (Freudian slip and it stays) finale last night, 13-year-old Carly Rose Sonicare (or however you spell her name) sang "How Do I Live?" (aka the song that Eddie Cibrian sings to the Black AMEX LeAnn gave him) with LeAnn Rimes and it must've taken all the will-power she had to not stop in the middle of the song to say, "Go home, Falcor, you're drunk!"

LeAnn was a stumbling, wobbling, wailing disaster from start to finish and the only things missing from her act were a martini and a Parliament dangling out of her mouth. Bitch looked, acted and sounded like a pilled-up albino monkey getting shocked on electrical fence. America should give the frazzled broom the $5 million prize money, because bitch gave the performance of the night! This is Christmas and entertainment to me. Christmas IS some drunk mess paralyzing the children with fear by yodeling out a karaoke song. I just wish there was a Christmas tree in the background for LeAnn to fall on.

Sorry, Carly Rose Sonicare, you were just upstaged by one of the Wayans Brothers in his White Chicks drag.

Here's some pictures from last night's X-Factor show. In order: a Falcor doll made out of hay and white pantyhose, a constipated Brit Brit with Carly Rose, a drunken Ewok with JWoww, Demi Lovato and Khloe Kardashian giving us some Valley of the Chewbaccas glamour.

LeAnn Rimes' nipple obviously just peeked out of her blazer to gaze at that cotton candy wave of hotness before it.

Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, the sole target of Brandi Glanville's PLEASEH8HER campaign, made an appearance and did some neigh-ing at the 4th anniversary of the NOH8 campaign at Avalon Hollywood last night. Sometimes when you wear a blazer with no shirt, bra or nip tape, your tit knob pops out just to say what's up and that's what happened to LeAnn last night. If you really need to see LeAnn's striped chichi and nip, click here.

You know, anybody who watches The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills knows that Brandi loves all kinds of nipple flashes. Brandi is a fame whore who loves flashing her nipples and she loves watching other fame whore flash their nipples. So she should put down her shank and get nip-to-nip with LeAnn Rimes as they hug their differences away. They should bond over their love of nip flashing.

Make nip slips, not war.

It's been three long ass years since LeAnn Rimes broke her marriage vows to her husband Dean Rainbow Sherbert by breaking her coochie on Eddie Cibrian's taken dick and she's still weeping about it in front of cameras. During an interview with fellow praying mantis Giuliana Rancic for an E! special about her life, LeAnn continued to milk her affair with Eddie for attention and pushed out invisible tears while talking about it. Giuliana asked LeAnn why did she act on her horniness for Eddie while they were both married, and instead of being truthful by saying she wanted some good dick and he wanted a checking account full of gold, she said this (via UsWeekly):

"That is a huge question. I never, ever in my heart want to hurt anyone. But . . . I don't think anything can separate anything that's super-connected. You might have had so many wonderful things with each other's spouses in your relationship, but something along the way broke that. You can't break what's broken already. No one . . . will ever understand how much thought and hurt, even towards each, other were put into our decision [to divorce our spouses and stay together]."

This is how much thought was put into their decision to divorce their spouses:

"DIS DICK IS GOOD!" - LeAnn

"DIS MONEY IS GOOD!" - Eddie

The End.

But seriously, LeAnn needs to stop fake crying about this shit in interviews and on Twitter and put it all in album of songs like any self-respecting attention whore does (see: Taylor Swift).

If you need to see LeAnn ugly cry while talking about this, watch the clip below:

When she cries she looks like a blob fish trying to sneeze and I don't think I've stared at someone's nostrils as hard as I stared at LeAnn's during that clip. Do LeAnn's nostrils always look like that or do they just look extra wonky when she fake cries?

Being the responsible and sane parents that they are, Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville continued to throw hate at each other in the media yesterday. It all started when Brandi told UsWeekly that LeAnn Rimes is a laxative-loving crazy bitch who puts her children in danger and that Eddie never returns her e-mails. Then Eddie responded by giving Radar an e-mail he supposedly sent to Brandi. The e-mail only makes sense if you picture Eddie transcribing it as LeAnn shouts the words while waving three $100 bills at his face. Here's Eddie's letter and yes, I felt like he was personally kneeing me in the taint when he typed "wine and narcissism" like it's a bad thing!

"I know your life exists solely for the purpose of living and creating drama. It's a sad way to live. It's so obvious that you have to constantly mention my wife so people will care what comes out of your mouth. One day when wine and narcissism are not consuming you, you will realize how fortunate the kids are to have LeAnn in their life. She is amazing with them, as the kids will 100 percent attest to. You should be so lucky to one day find someone who will love and respect Mason and Jake as she does. Although, I really don't know how anyone can put up with your constant bullshit. No wonder you have lost so many 'close' friends. Grow up already and for once, PUT THE KIDS FIRST!"

Since Brandi has nothing to do all day but yell at semi-human mannequins in front of Bravo's cameras, she immediately ate one of LeAnn's candy laxatives, turned around and fired another shit bomb at Eddie. Brandi went on Twitter and told Eddie to grow a pair of huevos. Brandi also said that LeAnn is addicted to Adderall and drinks like a fish. Again, why do whores keep kneeing me in that taint like that? Drinking like a fish is a bad thing?! Brandi has since deleted all those tweets and said that she's going to stop tweeting about Eddie and LeAnn for now.

Brandi is fueled by the crazy, but LeAnn is crazier. Case in point: A few weeks ago, I spent about 6 minutes with my cousin's kids and during those 6 minutes, one ate most of my pumpkin brownie, the other one slapped my forehead and the third one took my iPhone out of my hand without asking. It was like a moment with Lindsay Lohan. They did all of this while some annoying Nickelodeon cartoon played in the background. I had to change the channel from HGTV to Nickelodeon for them! Kids are thieves and laugh when they physically assault you! You can't even call the cops on them. They are above the law. So why would anyone fight over kids that don't legally belong to them?

One of Brandi's kids even stole one of LeAnn Rimes' laxatives out of her purse. You'd think that's where LeAnn would draw the line. When you mess with her precious poop pills, you mess with her emotions. But no, LeAnn still wants to spend quality time with them. Crazy ass bitch.

Brandi Glanville's anal glands nearly popped off of her ass last week when LeAnn Rimes called her son "her boys" on Twitter. Just like me every time I catch my dog playing with the Care Bear stuffed animal I accidentally left on the floor, Brandi screamed at LeAnn, "MINE! MINE! IT'S MINE! MINE! MINE! NOT YOURS! MINES!" This happened last Friday. Brandi still isn't over it (and has a book to sell), so she continued to yank at Falcor's ears in interviews with HuffPo and UsWeekly. Brandi thinks that LeAnn's wrangler should consider putting her down, because she's certifiably insane and rabid horses are dangerous! Brandi says that she only spews her family drama out on Twitter, because it's the only way Eddie Cibrian will respond to her. This is what Brandi said about LeAnn to HuffPo:

“She uses my kids as weapons. The problem with that is she endangers them while doing so. I think she is a sociopath. She constantly uses my kids as weapons and puts them in danger. She needs major help -- no way Eddie puts up with this for too much longer.”

Brandi got even more into it with UsWeekly. Brandi claims that LeAnn has an eating disorder, is addicted to shitting and it's only a matter of time before one of her sons ends up in the emergency room because of their evil stepmother. Brandi brought up the time her son ate one of LeAnn's laxatives thinking it was a Skittle.

"I know that my kids love her, and I know that she's upset. I, unfortunately, don't find her to be stable and I don't want her around my kids when Eddie's not there -- or at least the nanny, his parents, someone. Mason, my eldest, ate some of Le's candies and got extremely ill. And Le's candies are laxatives. It was a big fucking deal for me, and I lost my mind. Mason told me about it, and then Eddie's assistant, who was working for me at the time, also told me about it out of concern for my children. I emailed, emailed, called, called -- no answers. Couldn't even discuss it. He refuses to even be in the same room as me. He can't have a parent-teacher conference if I'm there. I don't know how to do this when I can't talk to the father of my children and his new wife. I don't know what to do.

LeAnn has a severe eating disorder. She has [a laxative] in every purse. Mason found one on the floor and thought it was a Skittle! They don't keep sugar in the house. He thought he finally found candy! He gets extremely sick, and that freaks me the fuck out."

Brandi also brought up another time that LeAnn Rimes tweeted a video of her son Jake riding his bike without a helmet down a really busy street:

"She posted this video -- we've been going back and forth and fighting with lawyers about the kids being in the background on the show that we film. I don't even want them to be in the forefront. I just want them to be around me when I have them, [so] if they're in the background running around I don't need to shuffle them out with a babysitter. . . I just thought it was very hypocritical of LeAnn to post this video, which I didn't actually see until [days later] . . . To be honest, I choose not to look because it does upset me. So at this point, one of my friends emailed it to me and said,'You really want to see this,' because my friend knew about the laxative situation. And I see Jakey, my 5-year-old, on a bike on Roundmeadow Road -- a very busy road where drunk drivers have crashed into their house. . . He doesn't have a helmet on and he's driving without his training wheels, which he doesn't even do at my house. He still wears them at my house, and he's alone with her. She's behind him and I know that he's having fun. I'm sure it was great and I know that he loves her, but they don't realize that they're in danger. They don't. And no one's getting back to me about anything that's going on. So I'm forced to take it to the public on Twitter. And then when people say, 'Come on. Get over it.' How do you get over it? These are my children. I will never be over my children. I'm not just going to say, 'Well, fuck it.' . . . These are my children and I don't want this unstable person around them when she's alone.

I want my kids all the time, but I don't want to keep them from their father because their father loves them dearly, but I think he's kind of blinded by this woman. I don't think he sees clearly. I think he thinks that she pretends to be something that she's not for him. I think around him, she plays his perfect [wife]. And he doesn't realize that she's using our children and putting them in danger. And using them as a tool to get to me, and not just being a loving parent."

Brandi doesn't want to get the lawyers involved, because she can't afford one right now and wants to save money to buy a house.

Okay, so Brandi thinks that if her kids spend more alone time with LeAnn Rimes, they will eventually get hit by a car or shit out all of their internal organs from eating LeAnn's entire supply of poop candy? And Brandi doesn't want to go to court to try put a stop to LeAnn's irresponsible craziness? That makes sense! Why tell all those stories to a judge when you can tell them to UsWeekly for a check instead?

Olivier Martinez, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry should send Eddie, LeAnn and Brandi a thank you note for ALMOST making them look sane and functional by comparison. And if LeAnn is wondering why Giuliana Rancic keeps hanging around her stable door, it's because Giuliana heard that she's addicted to shitting.

A couple of days ago, Radar said that Eddie Cibrian is stashing money in offshore accounts and is planning to fake his death to get away from LeAnn Rimes' craziness. Well, LeAnn Rimes responded to that rumor the only way she knows how: by tweeting a picture of her and Eddie in a state of marital bliss, or something.

We can finally flush those rumors, along with Eddie's hotness, down the toilet, because they're obviously together forever and completely happy. This picture proves it. To get Eddie to pose for this picture titled "Damage Control," LeAnn just had to spike his morning coffee with her sleeping pill of choice: horse tranquilizers. When he passed out, she dragged him to their bed, chained his wrists and ankles to the bed frame, and then broke his knees with a sledgehammer to really make sure he can't get away. After Eddie woke up screaming, LeAnn put a pistol to his wallet and told him to shut up and take this picture or his money gets it! And that's how this picture came to be.

Everlasting love IS Eddie saying "please call the authorities, please" with his eyes while LeAnn maniacally glares into the camera.

via WOW Report

The mournful wail of a sad Falcor has been filling the valleys of Los Angeles every night, because LeAnn Rimes is crying about possibly losing the only thing that keeps her in the tabloids: her gold digging husband Eddie Cibrian. Eddie is living a life of luxury, but it's hard for him to fully enjoy caviar and champagne when it's been tainted by the insanity that LeAnn spews out every second of the day.

A source, whose name probably rhymes with Candy ManPill, tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Eddie is regretting the day he legally became LeAnn's kept bitch. LeAnn is on the opposite side of sane and Eddie can't take it anymore. Eddie told LeAnn that he needs to spend some time away from her craziness (read: stick his head in a side piece's crotch until the ringing in his hears from listening to LeAnn's crazed screeches goes away). Meanwhile, LeAnn thinks that if she fills her womb with a squinting foal or colt, Eddie will stay. The source said this:

"It never seems to end. He can't take all of the drama anymore. He told her he needs some time alone to get his head together.

Eddie has to pay child support for [his sons with Brandi Glanville,] Mason and Jake. And let's face it, his career is at a standstill. LeAnn is the breadwinner and he's not about to destroy that gravy train. But he's checked out emotionally. Being with LeAnn is a lot of work. Eddie's staring to question whether it's even worth it.

LeAnn is trying to save her marriage by having a baby. She's taking vitamins and charting her cycle, and she's even putting on a few pounds, hoping it will help her conceive. Her goal is to be pregnant in 2013, no matter what -- even if she has to try IVF. She blames some of her emotional problems on not having a baby of her own."

Let me fix that third sentence for the source: "He told her he needs some time alone to get head from another ho." There, that's better.

Eddie Cibrian is such a sad excuse for a gold digger. That piece of trash needs to suck it up. What kind of wallet fucker stops milking his cash cow just because she's annoying? Do you think Heather Mills liked listening to Beatles songs all day? No, but she drowned those songs out with the ka-ching sound of dollar signs popping in her head. Do you think Vanessa Bryant enjoys inhaling a cloud of side skank every time Kobe Bryant comes home? No, but she's getting through it by imagining the day when the only thing she'll inhale is the sweet scent of money, honey.

Living with a wild, untamed, crazy horse isn't easy (I have seen The Horse Whisperer), but Eddie's weak ass needs to pull his eyes out of the squint position and keep both of his seeing globes on the prize. What an embarrassment that Eddie Cibrian is.

For the past month, the paparazzi have been wandering the beaches aimlessly, wondering what to do with themselves and every now and again they'd come across a dead seahorse lying on the sand and they'd break down thinking about all the beautiful staged bikini moments they had with LeAnn Rimes. Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because LeAnn is out of that spa/therapy clinic/whatever center and is back out on the ho stroll full time, so it won't be long before she starts texting them with the exact GPS coordinates of where to find her posing in a two piece. You can now close your eyes at night, because LeAnn has been reunited with her two true loves: the paps and bikinis!

Late last month, LeAnn checked into an inpatient, part-time therapy center to deal with stresses that were tearing her falcor nerves apart. There were rumors that LeAnn was dealing with an eating disorder, but most of the rumors claimed that she was stressed out from getting into a Twitter feud with two of her biggest haters. LeAnn called up those two haters and they recorded the conversation and then splattered it all over the internet. LeAnn is now suing their asses for invasion of privacy. The courts have forwarded the case to the vice principal of a junior high school, because he's used to handling stupid mean girl shit like that. And here we are now...

LeAnn tweeted the picture above of her channeling her inner "Catwoman" and then she went to premiere of the Batman Live show in L.A. with Eddie Cibrian and his two kids. I'm not one to give LeAnn compliments, because the last time I pet a horse, the other jealous horses threw me side-eyes and tried to kick me, but she's looking refreshed. All those therapy sessions (chemical peels), group meetings (massages) and time alone (facials) really did her some good. LeAnn is so refreshed that she doesn't even mind that Eddie's stache smells like random coochie fumes.

LeAnn Rimes is still in some kind of weekday inpatient treatment center to deal with the anxiety she gets from fighting with her Twitter haters, and since she wants privacy during this difficult time, she took her always open mouth to People. Naturally. Yes, LeAnn should be barfing out her emotions to her therapist, but speaking to her therapist in private won't get her name in People magazine! It's all about priorities.

LeAnn tells People (via Radar) basically the same shit that her rep said to People when she checked into that fancy spa of feelings last week. LeAnn's haters always throwing shit balls at her for running her bull dozer vagina over married peen has filled her with so much anxiety that she has to take out her frustrations by getting into a bikini and posing for the paps she called herself. LeAnn put it like this:

"I'm happy and healthy. I just want to be happier and healthier more consistently. I don't want to wake up and not truly be enjoying my life and these amazing things around me.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see a child then I look and see a woman who should be turning 60. I've always taken care of everyone else, and I think I've buried some issues for a long time. I've been built up and torn down, built up and torn down. It's been difficult to tune people out, especially in the last few years. Now, I'm starting to care more about me and not what anyone else thinks."

For someone who has "always taken care of everyone else," bitch talks a whole damn lot about herself. Bitch not only looks a dehydrated, shriveled down, shrunken Stuart Smalley, but she acts like him too. It's all HER HER HER HER HER. No wonder she's always mouth queefing out her feelings to People. Because even her therapist can't take her whining about herself all the time and he gets paid to listen to other people's problems!

And I'm surprised that when LeAnn looks in the mirror, she doesn't see one of Eddie Cibrian's side tricks peeking out of the closet behind her.