Your Lips Scare Me

In today's "What in the Cheetara hell is Kim Kardashian doing to her face now?" non-news, Lil' Kim Kardashian left her house the other day with her bottom lip looking like a moth larvae that twitches at every camera flash. It hurts (example: like the finger of Khloe Kardashian's doctor when he gives her a prostate exam) to admit this, but Kim was naturally pretty before she shoved her face into the Wildenstein grinder and Lisa Rinna-ed her lips. But if she wants to look like The Weekly World News' favorite cover model, then I say keeping fucking that Restylane needle!!

But if the paparazzi weren't around, they would've never captured this triumphant moment of Lindsay Lohan next to her "Sober Shine Award", which was placed outside of her sober house in Palm Desert, CA. The Sober Shine is like the People's Choice Award of Palm Spring rehab centers and it also sounds like the name of a citrus-flavored powdered vitamin drink that's supposed to hug and cradle your morning hangover. A powdered hangover cure that ironically tastes so much better with a splash of vodka. So...

TMZ says that LiLo wants the court to draw a giant red circle around her with a Sharpie to keep the paps from trying to suck on her ass with their cameras. HAHAHAHAHA, I know.

LiLo barely got her drivers license back, but her counselors at Betty Ford don't think it's a good idea for her to get behind the wheel since the paps are always chasing her. LiLo has always blamed the paps for causing her to crash into parked cars and speed down PCH with terrified hostages in the back seat begging her to spare their lives (or at least give them a bump to numb the pain when they eventually go over a cliff).

LiLo has asked her lawyer to seek a restraining order against every single paparazzo. Her lawyers are trying to decide whether or not it's possible to take out a restraining order against an entire group.

The paps whose cell phone caller ID gets touched with Lindsay Lohan's name on an hourly basis are so confused right now! But I see what LiLo's doing here. This is one of those "We can fuck, but I don't want anyone to know we're fucking" things. You know that bitch. They take out a restraining order against you, make a big scene and then call you up at 3 in the morning telling you to park at the end of the block and wait for their signal to come inside for a little down low dicking. Oh, and they tell you to wear a pizza delivery outfit in case their nosy meth addict of a neighbor sees anything. Personally, I like to disguise myself as a graveyard shift census bureau officer, because polo shirts look like shit on me.

This picture of Howard the Fuck-Up and a creeping Michael Lohan taken right before Judge Fox sentenced her to rehab instead of jail makes me feel like I'm staring into a wet bathroom mirror and looking at TWO BLOOD MARYS. Stop flushing the goddamn toilet!

So yeah, Judge Elden Fox has once again caused Lady Justice to take her shit down to the nearest bar to cry into a White Russian, because he didn't send LiLo to jail for violating her probation again by failing two drug tests. Instead, LiLo must go back to Betty Ford and stay there until January 3, 2011. The judge didn't want LiLo to face temptations like a good old fashioned Lohan family Christmas bump or a New Year's Eve toast with an Adderall-tini, so he's keeping here there until the holidays are over.

Her next court hearing has been scheduled for February 25th and she'll undergo random drug testing after she gets out of rehab.

LiLo apparently started crying and said "thank you" after the judge gently slapped her on the hand. You know who else was crying? White Oprah? And not for the reasons you think. LiLo not going back to jail means no new mug shot which means no 2011 calendar. Way to bash White Oprah's dreams, Judge Fox!

After years of making Preparation H tubes ejaculate at the sight of the swollen hemorrhoids on her face, Lisa Rinna has finally done something about it. On Today (via UsWeekly) this morning, Lisa Rinna admitted that in August she went to a dog groomer and asked them to gently stick their thumb in her mouth to squeeze her full anal gland sacs. No, Lisa went to a plastic surgeon who sucked the silicone out of her upper lip. I'm not even going to describe what that smelled like. It's always too early for that.

Lisa told Meredith Vieira this morning, "My lips started to define who I am. That bothered me... I took a big hit for being honest. It gave everyone online permission to lambaste me. It hurt my feelings."

Lisa says that her lips are no longer "bumpy and lumpy" like The Situation's soft dick. Lisa was told that her lips will take up to 6 months to fully heal and smooth out.

FINALLY. It had to be done, because Lisa's lips really did look like the back of a baboon lounging on its side. Now whenever Harry looks at Lisa when she's going down on him, he won't feel like he's watching the Discovery Channel.

(Image from 8/5/10 via Wireimage)

Two quick bumps after TMZ broke the story that Lindsay Lohan tested positive for cocaine in at least one of her drug tests, she lifted up her nose and denied the whole thing to UsWeekly by saying, "I'm fine. They're all nuts." The high of delusional must have wore off real quick, because she changed her tune in a series of Tweets where she admitted she got a fat fucking F on several drug tests. LiLo FINALLY also admitted that she still gets hongray for the bad shit even though she has always denied this fact.

"Regrettably, I did in fact fail my most recent drug test and if I am asked, I am prepared to appear before judge Fox next week as a result. Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn't go away over night. I am working hard to overcome it and am taking positive steps forward every day. I am testing every single day and doing what I must do to prevent any mishaps in the future. This was certainly a setback for me but I am taking responsibility for my actions and I'm prepared to face the consequences. I am so thankful for the support of my fans, loved ones and immediate family, who understand that i am trying hard, but also that I am a work in progress, just as anyone else. I am keeping my faith, and I am hopeful....Thank you all!!!"

A part of me wants to stick a bronze star on LiLo's forehead for finally joining the land of reality by admitting she's got problems. Another part of me is like that bitch on Intervention who isn't convinced and will still take their purse to bed with them so the crackhead in the house doesn't pull a $20 out of their wallet in the middle of the night. And then the biggest part of me really wants a Bear Claw, so I'm going to go and do that.

Meanwhile, White "My Child Is Not An Addict" Oprah is staring at the ceiling and whistling a happy tune while trying to slip out of the room undetected. White Oprah needs to make a few phone calls to see if this latest admission ups the price for LiLo's first interview or not.

And here's LiLo leaving a restaurant last night. Still waiting for her apology for those lips.

When OctoMom first burst onto the ho stroll after bursting out 8 BABIES!!!, Vivid Entertainment offered her $1 million to spread her C-section scar in a porn movie. Octo clutched her rosary, made the sign of the cross and was so offended by Vivid's offer that she almost fainted into a puddle of offensiveness.

Well, it's 7-months later and Octo couldn't even pop 8 dollars out of her pussy if she tried. Octo is about to move her child army into the Super 8 down the street and she's putting on her chanklas right now to pay a visit to the WIC office. Octo's home is facing foreclosure and she might go on welfare.

Vivid heard Octo's woes and so they are circling around her once again. This time they are offering to give her $500,000 for just one hour of boning. This is the open sore letter they released today:

In a letter to Nadya, Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch says "We have an easy and ready solution for you to relieve yourself of this financial problem. We are offering you the opportunity to perform in one scene, for one hour in one of our movies and we will pay you up to $500,000.

"We can arrange for this to happen quickly so that you will get paid in advance of your October deadline.

"We urge you to give our offer serious consideration. We will work closely with you in planning your scene to make this an enjoyable experience for you," he added.

Gossip sites have reported that Nadya is close to going on welfare in order to support her 14 children. If she accepts the offer from Vivid, she will be able to avoid both foreclosure and welfare.

"I hope to hear from her very quickly," says Hirsch. "It appears she has no time to waste and I feel confident that she will be pleased with the results of her shoot with us."

There's no way Octo is going to take this offer. That crazy bitch would rather figuratively fuck taxpayers in the ass than get fucked literally on screen. If I was her, I'd Crisco up my coochie and ask Vivid for the time and place. Screeching babies, clouds of baby diarrhea, toddler vomit everywhere.... You'd have to suck on a crack pipe or suck on a peen just to deal.

That's how you know Octo is on the other side of sane, because she claims nothing makes her happier than hearing all ten million of her kids crying in the morning. Forget 69, 5150 that crazy.

During a court hearing this morning, Judge Elden Fox nailed a set of rules to Lindsay Lohan's forehead following her early release from rehab. We all know how well this trick followed the last set of rules Judge Marsha threw at her, so start the countdown clock! Here's the rules courtesy of TMZ:

1. Stay in California. Don't don't even think about visiting la farmacias in Ensenada.
2. Keep a balloon filled with Nana Lohan's sober piss in your crotch at all times, because you must submit to random drug and booze testing twice a week.
3. See your shrink at least 4 days a week.
4. Go to behavior therapy sessions twice a week.
5. Go to a 12-step program at least 5 times a week.
6. Give White Oprah the access code to the safe where you keep blank prescription pads and wads of cash.

Okay, sneaky White Oprah wrote that last one when LiLo was passed out on her bed.

If the crackie gets a major F on her drug and booze test, she will have to spend 30 days back in the chokey. And by 30 days in jail, Judge Fox really means that she'll just have to sit in a private room at Lynwood until she rolls doubles.

In between taking sips from her Dunkin' Donuts coffee with a splash of lighter fluid (they're out of coolant), White Oprah is furiously scratching out the word "PROPAGANDA!" on her protest sign and replacing it with the word "TOLDJA!" (Nikki Finke's attorneys are already drawing up a cease and desist). That's because TMZ is co-signing White Oprah's claims that her daughter isn't the neediest crackhead on the stroll. TMZ's sources are saying that the doctors at UCLA have officially declared that Lindsay Lohan isn't a drug addict and doesn't have crazy in the brains.

The sources went on to say that LiLo was easily weaned off of Dilaudid, Ambien, Adderall, Zoloft, Trazodone and Nexium without getting the shakes or chewing on a toilet bowl cleaning pill for a quick fix. LiLo also didn't have a problem staying away from booze. As for her mental problems, the doctors say the bitch ain't bi-polar.

The doctors also think that there's no reason for LiLo to be on Adderall since she doesn't have ADHD. They believe she was misdiagnosed and this might be the cause of why she's acting like she's the front-runner in the Miss Crackie Whore 2010 pageant.

Dr. Joe Haraszti, some fancy addiction specialist, tells TMZ that when bitches who don't suffer from ADHD take Adderall they experience cokehead-like effects including: chain smoking, driving around all night, excessive Tweeting, etc... Dr. Joe didn't confirm if other effects include wearing leggings like they're pants and injecting anything found in the lubricant section of a automotive store into your lips.

Dr. Joe went on to say that Adderallheads "might then complain of insomnia and then take Ambien or other sleep aids to help fall asleep ... it's a vicious cycle."

The doctors at UCLA are recommending that LiLo be released from rehab early. They seem to think that Judge Marsha dick slapped LiLo way too hard when she sentenced her to 90 days in the rehab. In their professional opinion, LiLo only needs 30 days to clean up.

When the medical professionals at UCLA asked White Oprah to take them to the doctor who diagnosed LiLo with ADHD, she said it was impossible since he moved offices without giving a new address (aka he no longer parks his van behind the Stop & Shop).

White Oprah might be doing the TOLDJA dance (looks like this) right now, but that smug look on her face is quickly going to turn into a look of despair when she realizes she's going to have to find a new supplier now that the jig is up. The joke's on you, WO!

My ass can't sing or play a single instrument, but I still want to start a band just so I can call it "That Amoral Cunt Tellsu." That's just one of the many drops of crazy Courtney Love put in her never-ending Happy Birthday Tweet to her 18-year-old daughter Frances Bean. It's times like this that I really wish Rosetta Stone put out a Courtney Love edition, because you could make out more legible words in a bowl of barfed up alphabet soup. Courtney somehow managed to top herself.

A little back story before you begin the HARDEST JOURNEY OF YOUR LIFE! Courtney lost custody of Frances Bean last year, because she's fucking crazy. Frances got a restraining order against Courtney and went off to live with Kurt Cobain's mother and sister. Courtney has always accused Kurt's mother and sister of trying to get their hands on Frances' money. Or is it that Courtney accused the elves in the woods of trying to get their hands on Frances' money? I don't even know with Courtney anymore.

In this morning's mess-a-thon, Courtney accuses Frances Bean of trying to ruin her life before begging her to run away from her guardians now that she's 18. Courtney also accuses Frances' dog of being a shady bitch! Courtney's entire cyber meltdown is after the jump. It's 2 parts sadness, 3 parts crackery and a million parts BAT SHIT INSANE. You might want to keep a bowl of ice water close by for you to dunk your face in afterwards. JUMP!!!!

And here's Lindsay Lohan's latest mug shot for White Oprah to add to the collection. They should take her picture every day so we can gradually see her lips slowly deflate. They can use those pictures to make a keepsake flipbook! Instant bestseller! White Oprah better get on that.

UPDATE: A spokesman for the L.A. County Sheriff's Department tells UsWeekly that LiLo will serve around 14 days of her 90-day sentence due to overcrowding. But more importantly, she's having Turkey Tetrazzini for dinner tonight. If Turkey Tetrazzini is anything like Chicken Tetrazzini, then that bitch has got a new addiction.