Your Lips Scare Me
Kristen Chenoweth was bumped from staring into the erect chin of Jay Leno last night when Lindsay Lohan decided at the last minute that she wanted to sit down with him to promote her next court appearance and her upcoming cameo in the city morgue. It's one thing that the producers put Kristen Chenoweth on the curb when she was there to actually promote a project she worked on. But a second illegal act was committed when the entire Tonight Show audience stood up and clapped for LiLo! I know that Jay's fans love a good thief since he successfully snatched The Tonight Show from Conan O'Brien, but DAMN! Never has the phrase "HO SIT DOWN" been more fitting.
Were they standing to leave? Did White Oprah fill the audience with members from her EFAC (Enablers For A Check) group? Did the interns take the batteries out of all the carbon monoxide detectors, because the batteries that operate Jay's jaw were running low and they didn't have to time to run out to the store? This clueless crackie is pretty much on her way to jail and they all stand up like she's some kind of hero?! Charlie Sheen, come get your audience back!
You know, I'm going to assume the entire audience was suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning which affected their better judgement, because who leaves their purse unattended on the floor below when a Lohan is in their midst?
Radar says that in LiLo's pre-taped interview with Jay, which airs tonight, she confirmed her role in that Gotti movie and talked about how she was "shocked" and felt "numb" after the judge ordered her to 120 days in jail for violating her probation. LiLo continued to prove that words are cheaper than the weave on White Oprah's head by saying: “I think that when, you know, being young and being in the position I was in, you don’t really take the time to appreciate what you have and it’s all kind of a whirlwind, and people make decisions for you. But I’m not a kid anymore -- I’m 24, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I recognize that. I’m in the clear now, and as long as I stay focused, I can achieve what I want to achieve.”
IN THE CLEAR?! A misdemeanor theft case hanging over her head and a probation violation on her ass counts as being "in the clear"? LiLo's current state is about as clear as the water in a crack house toilet. Jay Leno really ain't shit for not double slapping LiLo in the face with his chin (he wouldn't even have to lean over to do it) after she said that. And Jay Leno really REALLY ain't shit for not vacating the studio, locking LiLo in there and bringing in an army of abuelitas who would really clear her head with truth talk, God fearing side-eyes and the threat of a chankla slap.
You know shit is an extra kind of busted when the hottest piece in a picture is knee-length denim skirt, suede boots and a facial expression that says: "I am so not fucked up enough to deal with this mess in front of me." It's okay if Lindsay Lohan insists on looking like a 50-something worn out lot lizard circa 1981 who trades handjobs for Camel Cash and knows which gas station bathrooms in a 10-mile radius still have working locks on their doors, but why is she styling
Steven Tyler 17-year-old Ali Lohan the same way? I know they're at Coachella, but it's really not right that Ali thinks she has the stuff to work a pair of Mexican abuelo moccasins. Not today. Not ever.
Furtherwhore, LiLo really needs to turn that camera around and get an up-close picture of the top of her head which looks like it was just the scene of a battle between peroxide, weave glue and meth lab sparks. I didn't know "meth part" actually existed until now. When LiLo goes to court on Friday to possibly plead GUILTY (she won't), the judge better throw the book at her. The book being "The Weavemaster's Bible," of course.
Yesterday afternoon, Lindsay Lohan showed a paparazzo why she's the country's premiere mug shot supermodel when she busted out the kind of poses you usually only see from a day-shift hooker trying to seduce truck drivers off the main road. Right before LiLo caught a private flight to New York, she posed in front of her house in Venice, CA with her friend Claus Hjelmbak. LiLo really is a chameleon. In some pictures she looks good-ish and in others she looks like the first place winner of a Miss Gollum contest sponsored by The Faces of Meth School of Beauty. What's LiLo's prize? Well, a walk-on role in Bravo's upcoming Real Housewives of Mordor, of course!
Today was the day Lindsay Lohan had to decide whether or not she's going to take a plea deal in the joree snatching case, and TMZ says that she has slid over an F U nail decal to the prosecution's side of the table. Basically, LiLo has turned it down and will try her luck at a trial instead. Did you hear that, White Oprah? Or is a barback's tongue in your ear again? Grab a baby and squeeze his tears into a jar, because LiLo is going to need plenty when she WAH WAH WAHs on the stand. It's a good thing she already stretched out her tear ducts from hiding all those 8-balls in there.
If LiLo took the plea deal, she would've ended up with at least 19 days in jail and 3 years added to her probation. So she told her lawyer that she believes her true innocence will set her free. The first hearing is scheduled for April 22nd and Judge Stephanie Sautner has been assigned the case.
If Judge Stephanie decides LiLo totally fucked up her probation, she goes to jail. If Judge Stephanie decides LiLo meant to snatch that necklace, she goes to prison. If Judge Stephanie decides she didn't do either, then LiLo goes free. LiLo thinks the surveillance footage and the fact that the jewelry store sold the tape to the media for a quick dollar will convince the judge to stamp a NOT GUILTY on her forehead.
Oh, please. LiLo is saying she wants to go to trial because she thinks she's innocent, but we know the real reason. This ho just wants to see her long-grain titties on the front of the New York Post every morning! Bitch is laying out her ho shit court clothes right now and can't wait to strut it in front of the cameras every day. LiLo can't even get an invite to a HoJo's Oscar party so this is her Oscars and she's going to milk it like a thirsty baby.
And if LiLo's dumb ass gets sentenced to prison, then she can make the time go by fast by forcing her top bunk cell mate to sing this lullaby before bed every night:
Yes, I stretched that non-joke just so I could post this masterpeepiece. It had to be seen and it can't be unseen.
Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah might be making looks of toxic happiness like they've just read the words "open bar" on the invitation for a spray tan party, but on the inside they are fearing FOR THEIR LIVES!!!! No, they aren't filled uncertainty about their health and well-being because one of the paps yelled out loud that he's got a low battery and no back up. They are frozen with fear because the paparazzi nearly scared the Drano gel out of their lips. Right after landing their brooms on JFK's tarmac, LiLo Tweeted this melodramatic mess:
I love ny - but the paparazzi @ jfk just gave me an anxiety attack..... i was half asleep! they're such animals :( well- @ least im with my family in the end.... xo
Animals?! This coming from a womp womp ho who's got a goat's anus on her face. Bitch looks like she should be blowing out digested straw bits in the petting zoo.
But really, the Lohans need to stop with this game of make believe. We all know that White Oprah's got a GPS tracking device installed in one of her ass cheeks so that the paps can find her any minute of the day. Yes, now you know why White Oprah's farts sound like the OnStar lady gasping for breath.
Lindsay Lohan's last court room ensemble was a loose interpretation of Catherine Trammell's interrogation outfit from Basic Instinct. But except for baring her labia in a dark shadow, she bared the Juvederm-sponsored labia on her mouth under fluorescent lights. Tits and lips! So I was hoping that for her latest date with the judge, LiLo would stick with the theme and pay homage to another erotic thriller: Body of Evidence. I was thinking that she'd stroll up wearing a beret on her head, pearls around her neck, wax on her finger tips and Willem Dafoe's nut hairs stuck between her teeth. Obviously, she didn't. I am very disappointed.
Instead, LiLo showed up looking like a high-paid call girl who has decided to leave the business and get a job as temp office worker at a mortgage firm.
So, not much happened in court today. The judge continued to put on his NOT IMPRESSED voice and told LiLo that she's going to jail
no matter what if she cops a plea. He set her next hearing date for March 10th. LiLo can either take a plea deal from the D.A. (which includes jail time) or she can go the not guilty route and stand trial. If found guilty, she could get 1 year in the chokey for wasting everyone's time.
LiLo kept her charbroiled smugfaces to a minimum (mostly) and White Oprah didn't bust into the court on a chariot made of her own delusions to scream INJUSTICE at the judge. Underwhelming all around. On a positive note, LiLo's tits are hanging so low that her knees can give her a nipples a massage when she sits down.
Dressed like a weak-handed day-shift dominatrix forced to supplement her income by selling Mary Kay to the old ladies at the retirement community she illegally lives in, Nicole Kidman showed up to the NYC premiere of her movie Just Go With It with her frosty headed husband Keith Urban. (Thank the hell for Keith, because somebody has to keep Sun-In in business!).
Nicole Kidman wore more leather than a Scientology dungeon party hosted by John Travolta. You can send in your complaints to 2-year-old Sunday Rose, because she picks out all of Nicole's outfits. Nicole said this mess to UsWeekly at the Oscar nominee luncheon on Monday.
"She chooses what she calls 'pretty dresses,' so she has a very strong voice in terms of what I will be wearing on the night of the Oscars. Fingers crossed, guys -- I could be wearing a tutu!"
Did Nicole miss a few pieces when she pulled out the microchip Tommy Girl implanted into the back of her neck on their wedding day? Because that sounds like a quote TG would type into the iPhone app that controls Stepford Katie's speech. Nicole better keep a jammer between her ass cheeks at all times so this doesn't happen again.
Even though Nicole was probably telling jokes, I hope she isn't. Because then it won't be long before Sunday Rose and Suri Cruise are announced as the new co-hosts of What Not To Wear.
That story you read about OctoMom whipping a dude in a diaper for money wasn't a nightmare your imagination pushed out while you were passed out from drinking too many Pedialyte and vodkas. It is a true story and now TMZ has posted a gallery of stills from the fetish video shot in her children's playroom. You may be cursing George Eastman's name for indirectly helping to bring this gross mess to your eyeballs, but look on the bright side. If you're ever feeling embarrassed about the nasty, twisted, kinky sex shit you get off on, you can tell yourself that it could be worse. You could be the one perv who is licking their fingers and tapping their genitals to OctoMom whipping a jumbo-sized Chuy Bravo riding on her kids' toy pony.
But you know, I can't judge Octo. Sometimes when IVF hands you 14 children, you have to put on a black corset and whip a grown man in a diaper to feed them.
Oh, and one more thing....is that a TONY DANZA TATTOO on baby dude's body? Okay, I think we just found the one perv who is licking their fingers to this. Mona Robinson's office door is closed for a reason!
Since Lisa Rinna let the air out of her inner tube lips, somebody in Hollywood has to go around with a mouth that resembles the (NSFWish) labia on a blow up doll. Lindsay Lohan is just that somebody! Blohan and her bloated lips stopped by Hal's Bar & Grill in Venice, CA last night for a little beverage. I'm sure a drop of the sweet nectar never passed between those beige slugs on her face. Blohan ordered a cup of Drano gel, poked the straw into her mouth and filled up until her top lip touched her nostril fence. That's all.
And Hal's should really keep their bathrooms stocked with toilet paper at all times, because poor Blohan had to use her hand!
When Nicole Kidman stared at her bathroom mirror and said to herself, "My name is Nicole Kidman and I AM a Botox user," even her surfboard forehead twitched at the STUNNING admission! It had no clue! After years of denying that she's dabbled the filler needle on her forehead, Nicole gives us a confession worthy of a "Yup, I've Used Botox" cover of People Magazine. Nicole tells some unnamed Germany magazine (via Daily Mail) that she's messed with Botox before, but she's happy to announce that her face is now preservative free and would fit right into any organic section at any grocery store. Go ahead and raise your brow even though Nicole physically can't.
The interviewer from the unnamed German magazine (aka ProbablyMadeUp Weekly: German Edition) asked Nicole how she keeps her face as smooth as a mannequin's crotch. Nicole responded with: "I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore - and I can move my forehead again. I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything."
And seconds after Nicole said that last part, the skin worms on her mouth sprung a leak and Juvederm sprayed everywhere. Nicole's assistant had to run up and plug the leak with epoxy putty. But yeah, completely natural!