What A Fucking Lady
Christmas is not only the time of year where you tell your cousin that her BO is making it hard for you to swallow a fork full of carrots and rice (You'll blame it all on the UGH NOG the next day), it's also the time of year where ladies bring their inner HO HO HOOOO out by dressing like a low down dirty hooker slut version of Father Christmas! Christmas is basically winter's answer to Slutoween. Slutmas!
Case in point: above is a picture LeAnn Rimes proudly Twatted of herself wearing the finest holiday ho suit Frederick's of Hollywood has to offer while posing with a bunch of elves. Well, the weather outside is frightful and so is this damn picture. I'm sorry, but LeAnn is trying hard to give us "don't you want this under your mistletoe" sexyface, but she looks more like what a park ranger might see when he finds a methed-out Dasher slumped over an electrical fence. Those elves ate her damn eyes!
And if LeAnn insists on dressing like a trampy Santa, she can at least do it with some class and elegance. I mean, her dress has a black ribbon AND a white ribbon in it. TACKY! If LeAnn was a true lady of refinement and grace, she would've went with something like this:
You know that's Mrs. Claus' Christmas morning outfit.
NOOOOOOOO! I was perfectly happy hating every single thing Fishsticks Paltrow produced and then she just had to go and wear this to the Cuntry Weak screening in Beverly Hills last night. It's as if Fishy grabbed onto my world, turned it upside/down and burped out everything I thought I believed in! And all because she wore an exquisite gown that says "member of Kryptonian Council" in the front and then softly leads you down a netted road of elegance to the image of Fishy's uncovered crotch gills dancing in the underwind. It's something Breathless Mahoney would've worn on her wedding day and it's beautifully perfect.
That gown's powers of sophistication and grace are so strong that I don't even care that it's on the body of a pretentious salamander-woman who always calls English muffins "crumpets" and who won't get out of bed until her morning maid slips a pair of fresh cashmere slippers at her bedside. WHY OH WHY!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go and dip my head in a browser full of GOOP in hopes that I can go back to hating her ass once I come up for air.
Here's a few more of Fishy wearing the third coming of the Slut Dress at the Country Strong screening last night with Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, Blair Waldorf Salad and Garrett Gimmehedlund.
On Conan last night, the KKKs talked about all the foolery they blow out on Twitter including how Khloe and Kourtney told their followers that mayonnaise is to a snatch as a hard peen is to John Travolta's no-no. It makes that shit sparkle! Kim, who keeps trying to be the epitome of a prim and proper lady, is the one who brought it up and then later said that they shouldn't talk about those things in public. BITCH! Stop acting like we didn't see Ray J bust his dick mayo all over your nooks and crannies. We know you LIKE THAT, so quit the refined snowflake act!
Here's how the conversation went last night. It's best to read while biting into a sandwich of roast beef, Miracle Whip and a dab of yeast butter:
Kim: Talking about putting mayonnaise on your thing is not appropriate.
Khloe: Honestly, women need to know how to take care of their stuff.
Conan: I'm not even here anymore. I just... I'm wearing jeggings and listening to you guys talk about putting mayonnaise down there and I'm just... I don't know what's happened.
Kourtney: People ask us why would you want to put mayonnaise down there?
Conan: Wait a minute! Let's just back up the truck just a bit. You can't move ahead from that statement. You advised women to put-
Kourtney: No, we didn't advise... I told Khloe-
Kim: They don't really do this. It's just a joke and they don't really do it.
Khloe: How do you know?
Kourtney: I actually told Khloe that I found her sex mask under my bed, that she's been looking for, and she wrote me back, "OMG I found your jar of mayonnaise that you use on your vagina." And then we were talking back and forth and people asked what does mayonnaise on your vagina do? And we said it makes it shine like the top of the Chrysler building. But why would you want a shiny vagina anyways?
Conan: I don't know...um...wow...okay.
Kim: I just don't think it's appropriate to talk about stuff like that especially on Twitter or any public place where young girls-
Khloe: Follow at your own risk.
Never mind that Tim Peeler just put a jar of homemade mayo out on his porch to lure the Sasquatch back into his life, why was Khloe's sex mask under Kourtney's bed? Just thinking about Khloe wearing a sex mask makes me want to scream, "BRING OUT THE GIMP!"
Meet Joseph Guiso an Australian dude who married his 5-year-old labrador Honey at a park near their home in Toowoomba, QLD yesterday afternoon. While surrounded by their family and friends, Joseph and Honey were pronounced husband and wife by Father Hipster. You may now sniff the bride's ass.
Joseph tells The Chronicle that he is a religious person and felt guilty about living in sin with Honey so he decided they should seal their love in front of God. Joseph got in his knees, stared deeply into Honey's eyes, ignored the DNW expression plastered all over her face and said to her, "You’re my best friend and you make every part of my day better." Joseph also promised his family and friends that his relationship with Honey is made of pure love, but a jar of
peanut butter Vegamite is not involved. Basically, Joseph is not Monaghan-ing Honey. So he says.
There's two MAJOR wrong things with this wedding. No, it isn't that a dude is marrying a dog. Dogs have married a lot worse. One is that Honey has her eyes wide open for her first marital kiss with her husband. Maybe Honey isn't a romantic. If that's the case, this marriage is doomed to pop like her anal glands since Joseph obviously has romance running through his veins. Or maybe Honey's got her eyes out in case Joseph busts out the lipstick. That's Honey's cue to voluntarily check herself into the pound.
Secondly, this is Honey's big day and the bitch shows up wearing a wrinkled ass bed sheet. What kind of bride wears that busted shit?! Somewhere an Australian boy is missing his DIY superhero cape. How dreadful! This is exactly why Animal Planet needs a bridal show called Say Woof to the Dress.
Khia somehow found a way to rip Nicki Minaj's album off of Rapidshare and then it burn it onto a CD from one of Kinko's pay-by-the-hour computers AND THANK EVERYTHING SHE DID! When Khia gives one of her priceless sermons in front of the abandoned train tracks behind a Safeway, you better show up and be ready to get healed.
On her blog, the always prolific Khia delivered a track-by-track review of Nicki's album and sang out insightful quote after insightful quote! Quotes that need to be printed on a sticker and slapped on Nicki's album when it gets re-issued. I mean:
"It smells WORSER than the gas that’s coming out of my ASS, from all of the Turkey that I ate over the Thanksgiving weekend." - gold-selling recording artist KHIA!
"Her breast looked suculant, but I wouldn’t suck them wit Latifah’s lips! Shout out to the stylists and photographers who done a spectacular job, airbrushing and styling this “Dungeon Dragon” because we all know that this “Lint-Lizard” doesn’t look like this in person." - Sunglasses aficionado KHIA!
Why doesn't Khia have her own music column at Rolling Stone, The New York Times, the PennySaver, Street Wise, Real Change, Craigslist, etc..etc...? But enough of me, here's a little more of Khia trying to burn the ends of Nicki's wig with a half-used fireplace match (you can read the whole review here):
Track 3: Did It On’Em
What did you do? Because it’s obvious that you will not sell any RECORDS, don’t get too “COMFY” over there at Cash Money Records Sweeeeetie because if they DROPPED Teena Marie, they are going to be SWEEPING your ASS out the DOOR pretty soon! I Thank my husband for DROPPING Lil Mo becuase her LIPS weighed more than her ALBUM sales and needed to be picked UP from draaaaaaaging the floor! Every night me and my husband Weezy still fight about him letting Teena Marie go!
Track 4: Right Thru Me
We see right past your dumb ass! See through you, walk over you, step on you, so tired of you! I know it won’t be long before I hear about you in the PAPER! I smell a nervous BREAK DOWN coming on…..You’re not BUILT for this!
Track 6: Save Me
I just told yall to SAVE this bitch…….She is DROWNING, FALLEN and can’t GET Up! Don’t give up though, keep swimming……… Hopefully, you will be able to keep Hope alive for all of lil girls that’s drowning! Seems like, Willow Smith and Justin Bieber should have been featured on the album, because the chilren are the only ones who are pleased with the works of this tired ass album. Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!
Track 8: Check It Out
Check what out? The best thing on this track is the “Feature” WIL-I-AM…… I can’t believe I wasted my $13.99 on this BULL SHIT, I told yall that it aint no damn Barbies in the hood! I can’t wait for Matel to sue this bitch for all of the $3.60 that she earned! When is this bitch gonna learn that they stealing all of the money?
Track 9: Blazin
The only thing that’s “Blazin” is Onika’s pussy! Yeah fellas, it’s burning……Flaming Hot! Bitches will do anything for a record deal! Onika, look in the mirror! Are you pleased with yourself? We seen the BEFORE, it would have been better if you came out AFTER all of the surgery!
Track 11: Dear Old Nicki
RIP…….Case closed and casket DROPPED!
WRIST FULL OF COLORFUL RUBBER BANDS! Now you know how Jesus' disciples felt that day on the plain, right? Where is the Khia Finch version of The Bible?!
But seriously, Nicki Minaj is probably like, "Who?!"
It all started when Katie Nicholl of the Daily Mail wrote a gossip piece titled: A New Year wedding to ease Lily Allen's baby grief. The article was about how Lily and her boyfriend Sam Cooper will soothe the sadness over the loss of their baby by getting married. Lily's rep already denied the story, but she took it one step further by cyber slapping Katie in the mouth via Twitter. In doing so, Lily kicked a goal for TEAM CUNT! This is the sweet nothing Lily originally whispered into Kate's ear hole:
"Katie Nicholl you're a lying cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing.
I'm sorry, but there's a time and a place for disrespectful, badly researched or just made up journalism. It's not now Katie Nicholl."
I guess this little Tweet made Katie Nicholl pick up her phone and speed dial her lawyers, because Lily took a Magic Eraser to that shit and started over again:
Kati Nichol has been in touch and has threatened to consult her lawyer if i don't take that tweet down. She thinks it was too heavy handed.
3:56 AM Nov 28th via web
so i'll amend it.
3:57 AM Nov 28th via web
Katie Nicholl I THINK you're a cunt, leave me out of your shitty column, you know nothing about the intimate details of my life.
4:00 AM Nov 28th via web
theres a time and a place for your musings where i'm concerned, and it's not now. 4:02 AM Nov 28th via web
VICTORY TIMES TWO for Team Cunt! Lily Allen could've used the forever popular "bitch" or went the boring mainstream route by calling Katie an "asshole", but she went with the beautiful noun that pulls at the splintery strings attached to the lump of coal my doctor strangely refers to as "a heart." So thank you for that, Lily. And thank you to Katie Nicholl for pulling the word "cunt" off of Lily's finger tips.
via BBC America
Kanye West's stylists need to add this to their lookbooks, because this is the shit he should've worn to the Turkey Parade today. This is the Brit Brit of Wales Charlotte Church telling the cold wind it ain't shit by baring her legs in a pair of ultra elegant overall shorts at a train station in London.
This is an ensemble that tells the world she's got a joint in her cleavage, a bottle of Olde English in her bag and she's ready to party in a parking lot. Charlotte's got this. Just ask the dude behind her. If that's not a "DAMN, I wish I was a TSA agent right about now" look, then I don't know what is.
Whoever said RiRi isn't the kind of role model you want kids today to look up to, need to spend a little time with these pictures of her posing with a bunch of chirruns outside of a restaurant in NYC last night. While the Ronald McDonald bukkake on her head says "Fuck My Life", the necklace around her neck says "fuck you." Now that is a lesson plan I can get behind.
Most parents want to do the honor of teaching their children the only words they will need in life, but I'm sure they didn't mind their kids learning from RiRi. And I'm also sure that these kids' teachers will be so proud when they bring this mess of a picture in for show and tell. Those teachers are going to need a bigger gold star!
And I'm sure that RiRi's rep will say that she thought her necklace meant "rebellious flower" in Dutch.
Here's a few more pictures of Teacher RiRi with our nation's youth last night and also of her leaving her hotel this morning with Argie Cherries' freshly scalped mane on her head.
Even CoCo's colon exams are a thing of artistic beauty. No, this is an exquisitely graceful picture from a photo shoot for French Vogue (or Cutie Culitos Monthly, I get them confused) that the modern day Athena posted on her Twatter page yesterday. Thanks to this picture, you will be having a honey glazed split chicken and a side of jumbo sardines for dinner tonight!
CoCo's muscles don't deserve all the credit for this pose. You can't tell from this angle, but her all-powerful camel toe is flapping like a trapped butterfly to keep her afloat! CoCo's labiacopter gets some credit too.
These pictures of Tara Reid were taken at her birthday party at the VIP Room in St. Tropez last night, but you'd probably believe me if I told you they were from 2004. They meet the criteria for declaring something Classic Tara Reid.
Tattered weave that only gets moisture when Tara uses it to wipe the drunk barfs from her mouth? Check! Nipple that cannot and will not be contained? Check! Skin the shade of a 2-week-old roasted yam? Check! Simulating oral with anything that is tube-shaped? Check! Facial expressions that run from "Mah face is melting" to "Good. Night."? Check! See. Classic Tara! Alert the historical society!