What A Fucking Lady

In the wise words of RuPaul: Click Clack (Make Dat Money)!!!

Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, has returned to her roots: PUSSY POPPIN' ON THE POLE! Danielle went from a stripper to an alleged call girl to an amateur retina burner and now she's back to peeling the chrome off of a pole with her parts. TMZ says that 48-year-old Danielle has signed a 3-year-deal to flash her bankrupt titties and foreclosed ass at a strip club. Strangely enough, Danielle's new home strip club isn't located on a poorly paved road off the turnpike and it doesn't have a Malt Liquor Room instead of a Champagne Room because their customers don't know what the hell champagne is. No. Danielle has signed with Scores in NYC. The big time!

Danielle will flap her pierced labia during one live show a year (the Halloween show, I'm guessing) and will turn up on Scores' web show every now and again.

TMZ has more censored pictures of The Grinch of I-95 stealing souls with her starry-eyed nipples if that's what you need to see today. I don't know why TMZ even bothered censoring her wet parts since we've all seen them and have already woke up screaming in the middle of the night about them. If you haven't seen Danielle's Grinch vagina and don't know if you're ready for it, just watch the last part of last night's RHONJ. Focus on Teresa's half-bald gorilla brother contorting his face into different shades of rage. It's the same thing.

Now you know what innocent passersby see when you come stumbling out of a cab (or whatever) smelling like poor decisions and a good time with ropes of your hair swinging all around like you've just given road head during a bumpy ride. Thanks to Michelle Rodriguez for giving you a picture to match to the feeling!

While some celebrities spray their genitals with fancy French perfume and try to behave like refined swans in Cannes, MRod is doing Cannes how it should be done. By day she's hanging her Dominican moon over the waters of Cannes, and by night she's running from a motel in her gown after gnawing off the arm of a dealer who tried to sell her a bag of dirty kitty litter. MRod snorted it anyway, because the cat could've been on Ketamine and why waste that shit?

Hopefully, one of these days MRod drunkenly trips out of a cab and lands directly onto Paz de la Huerta who is obviously lying in the gutter. Because those two belong together!

If champagne bottle nostril sex, rippled titties, stray pit hairs, sign language cunnilingus, 56-year-old nipple, melting Parmesan stick arms, vein erections, painted duck bills and organic elegance gives you life, then these NSFWish pictures are your new holy grail! Janice Dickinson earned the title of the world's first AND greatest supermodel at District 36 in NYC last night by bringing out a series of poses that were so scorching hot it made the silicone in her chichi sacks boil over and her tit skin started to do the wave in her honor.

Not only do these pictures make me crave poorly-wrapped fried pork dumplings, but it makes me fall in love with the forever demure Janice Dickinson. How can you not love a beautiful creature who resembles a Steven Tyler Muppet made with fruit leather?

Paz de la Huerta, the glistening swizzle stick of crazy from Boardwalk Empire, was arrested late last month after she allegedly ate the face of a reality star with her fist at a fancy hotel bar in NYC. Samantha Swetra, who was on MTV's The City for a quick minute, told police that a fight broke out when Spaz tried to get on her man. Samantha was punched in the face and her leg got cut up from a broken glass thrown by Spaz.

Spaz was in a NYC court room this morning where she was officially charged with third-degree assault, harassment and criminal possession of a weapon. But fear not! The greasy wild flower of my heart has a good reason for why she whooped a trick. The NYDN reports:

De la Huerta, 26, allegedly punched Samantha Swetra - of MTV's "The City" - in the face, bloodying her nose and mouth, and threw a glass at her.

"I'm a real actress - HBO. She's a publicity seeker, a fake actress," prosecutors say De la Huerta told cops after the March 20th dust-up at the Standard Hotel.

De la Huerta stood silently with her hands in her pockets as Judge Frank Nervo issued an order of protection and told her to be back in court on May 19.

I lovelovelovelovelove that Spaz added the "HBO" to her proclamation of innocence. If she was on The CW, Fox or even NBC, it wouldn't be alright. But because you have to pay a monthly fee to see her work, it's okay! Like she was expecting the cops to release her and say, "Ooooh, HBO! Why didn't you say so then?"

Samantha probably didn't put up a fight, because reality stars aren't about to tussle for free. They get paid to fight for real. Show Samantha a check, and then she would've shown some flying fists.

And I am perfectly aware that Spaz is a complete asshole who won't even able to shout "I'm a real actress - Public Access!!!" in a few years, but I can't help but not love her. If she bathed, I'd drink her bath water with a shot of Bacardi.

The certificate Chris Brown received for completing his domestic violence class must be shining with pride today, because he turned into a rage monster and smashed a window at Good Morning America's studios. TMZ says it's because during his interview with Robin Roberts, she asked him about the whole "second coming of Ike Turner" incident and the restraining order Rihanna had against him. The fuckdouche version of Susan Powter (no offense to Susan Powter) threw an internal tantrum and got mad at Robin. Clip below (it's towards the end).

Sources say that after the interview, Chris tried to stop the insanity by screaming at his people before breaking his dressing room window with a chair. When security showed up, Chris had already ripped off his shirt and stormed out of the building. Chris still had one performance to do, so a producer tried to stop him but he puffed his chest and stared the dude down. People from the show broke the two up before Chris could get the chance to bust his true colors (black and blue) onto the producer's face.

And shortly afterward, Chris Tweeted, "I'm so over people bringing this past shit up!!! Yet we praise Charlie sheen and other celebs for there bullshit." Chris has since taken it down.

Ripped his shirt off? Smashed through a window? Just because Chris Brown looks like a mutant nutsack's impersonation of Sisqo doesn't mean he's the Hulk.

Last night in Toronto, the Illuminati after-school program flunky Taylor Momsen made Satan's minions throw each other awkward glances when she took to the stage at Pretty Reckless' show wearing a tank top from PedoBear's Pentagram collection. If you've ever wondered whose fan letter Charles Manson scribbled "RETURN TO SENDER" on, you now have your answer.

Taylor's fuck parts might worship Satan, but ho's ass worships pancakes (or is it the other way around?). This dumpster panda Lolita's ass is so damn flat that I want to pull out a projector and watch the Oscars on it tonight.

"I still wouldn't..." - Satan

Putting every single one of Ronald McDonald's favorite drag wigs to the test, the Illuminati's reigning princess, RiRi, gives head to a banana and humps a blow-up doll in her new video for "S&M," which features Perez Hilton as her bottom bitch dog. This mess is trying to make you feel like you're playing a game of Candy Land after injecting liquefied Pop Rocks into your eye veins and choking yourself with a Red Vine.

This shit reminds me of the time I thought I was buying Ecstasy at some dumb rave in the late 90s. An hour later, one of my friends, who also bought the wrong stuff, asked me if I was rollin' yet. I lied and said I was as I sucked on a pacifier like a total poser moron. My friend burst my fake roll when she told me that she found out he sold us baby aspirin. That pacifier dropped out of my mouth faster than the "YOU DUMB BITCH" laughs leaped off her tongue.

Basically, this video is like baby aspirin disguised as the bad shit.

I was going to post something about last night's episode of The Fake-Tanned Genital Wart Hour of Fun, but I've decided to go with this piece of reality instead. You'd think girl-on-girl action at the Munch Time Diner would make Queen Latifah close the door and open up her special drawer, but definitely not this time.

Animal New York says that all hyena hell broke loose when a cell phone went missing at the Bronx's Munch Time Diner last Sunday. Thongs were exposed! Heels went into faces! Glamorous outfits were ruined! It's like if they ran out of Ritalin and tranquilizers at a child beauty pageant. I'm serious about the glamorous outfits part too. As soon as the rojo-head at the end of the clip gets out of the ICU, she'll be ready for the fucking runway in that ensemble.

And all through the clip, one of them keeps screaming "Brooklyn style, bitch!" on a loop. I wonder if she teaches the art of "Brooklyn Style, Bitch!" fightin' at the Y? Since I live in Brooklyn now, I should probably learn its fightin' style. You know, just in case I ever lose my cell phone at the Munch Time Diner in the Bronx and have to call it by banging a trick's head into the payphone. Or something.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to learn "Brooklyn Style, Bitch." My opponents never take me seriously during a fight when I scream at them, "It's Kingdom of Caring style, bitch!"

via Gawker TV

Zac Efron has been spending time down south while filming a movie and I'm pretty sure the gentlemanly spirit of Jim Williams from The Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil crept into his glitter hole and took over his body. Because when Zac accepted the award for Best Unicorn Under the Age of 25 at last night's People's Choice Awards, he gave a speech that was simply, as he would put it, sublime.

I mean, Zac not only drawled out the word "sublime", but he also referred to his fellow nominees as his "contemporaries." Zac made every bitch in the audience drop their hand fan, pick up their petticoat and run towards him. Zac's speech was the coat that a gentlemen throws over a puddle so that you don't dirty the silk ribbons on your shoes. A fucking gentlemen in every way, that Zach.

And can't you just picture him looking up at you after tossing your salad and saying, "Subliiiiiime." Don't swoon too hard or you might fart on his neck.

Here's some pictures of Zac with unemployed beard Taylor Swift at the PCAs last night.

I was under the impression that England's finest rose Jodie Marsh was the only talented tailor who could create a stunning titty-apron-thing out of duct tape, coasters from Party City and a piece from Liberace's hammock. But I better slide out from under that impression, because I was wrong. JWoww, the stunning Jersey Shore nymph who is about as natural as a Chicken McNugget, has achieved the impossible: she has found a way of making the dickey look both dignified and practical. A feat that even Jodie Marsh has yet to conquer.

On New Year's Eve, most of us have to crawl, slide and roll down the long road of embarrassment to get to our final state of the night: half-naked with duct tape over our nipples. But JWoww cut out all the embarrassing shit and went straight for it. Whoever said that JWoww is a dumb whore with jacuzzi sludge for brains better take that hurtful shit back. The bitch has ideas! Sadly, the dumb whores at MTV don't agree with me.

UsWeekly says that they forced JWoww to cover up her elegance with a white blazer before their New Year's Eve Special went live. This is coming from a network that airs close-ups of The Situation's face without forewarning their viewers to proceed at their own discretion. MTV wouldn't know taste if it gave them genital warts.

And if you need something challenging to keep you occupied for the next few hours (or days), point out the most natural globes in this picture. Actually, I think that's a trick question.