Jaden Smith

Will Smith said in an interview a couple of weeks ago that he and Jada Pinkett Smith don't believe in punishing their kids. They believe that their kids are responsible for their own lives. They let their kids do whatever they want as long as they can explain to Will and Jada why that was the right thing to do for their lives. It's directly from the Scientology parenting book. But you know, Will and Jada have something in common with abuelitas. Because abuelitas also ask for an explanation when you do something bad. An abeulita wants you to explain to her why she shouldn't beat your ass with a chancelta for not acting right.

Well, now Will is telling The Sun (via Radar) that 14-year-old Jaden Smith wants even more freedom. Specifically, Jaden wants to be free to live in his own damn house. Will says Jaden told him that for his 15th birthday, he wants to legally quit their asses.

“He says, ‘Dad, I want to be emancipated.’ I know if we do this, he can be an emancipated minor, because he really wants to have his own place, like ‘Ooh.' That’s the backlash. On the other side, if kids just want to have command of their lives, I understand.”

A 15-year-old millionaire who can't even drive living in his own house.... What can go wrong besides EVERYTHING? Before Jaden emancipates himself from his parents, he should emancipate that constipated expression from his face. He should probably start there first.

As Justin Bieber continued to wah wah wah on Instagram about how the paparazzi totally shat on his Super Sweet 19 birthday party, his partner in hood rat stuff foolery Jaden Smith hung out with the youngest member of the Kartrashian Klan in London. 14-year-old Jaden Smith and 15-year-old Kylie Jenner went to dinner at Nobu Berkley in London last night and then walked around the streets this morning. Before you start shouting about how Kylie Jenner should be in school, I'll have your ass know that she's enrolled in Pimp Mama Kris's School of Fame Whoring and walking around in front of the paps with Jaden Smith is part of her finals. (SPOILER ALERT: PMK is going to give her an F, because she didn't start a teen wedding rumor by wearing a ring on her hitchin' finger and she didn't start a teen pregnancy rumor by clutching her stomach like she's knocked up. Fame whore fail.)

The good news is that Will Smith was with them at dinner last night, so Jaden Smith couldn't use one of his mom's old drivers licenses to buy themselves some booze. The bad news is that Will Smith was with them at dinner last night, which means he totally condones this mess. Didn't Will Smith listen when Willow Smith told him to stop throwing them on the fame whore train? Obviously not, because there he is smiling for the paps as his son works the stroll with one of PMK's girls. I am side-eyeing Will Smith for joining fame whore forces with PMK and for letting his son wear a bandanna leg warmer.

PMK must have some serious shit on Will and Jada. Because any normal parent would throw a chastity belt on their son if PMK asked them, "So, your son's not a shy pee-er, right?"

There's nothing sadder than a baby beaver millionaire crying into his bottle of rum and tit leche, because his 19th birthday party was ruined!

E! News says that Justin Bieber threw himself a circus-themed birthday party at Cirque du Soir in London last night, but the whole thing busted like his loaded-diaper when some people in his entourage got into a fight with club security. The definition of hood rat stuff is Justin Bieber's little friends throwing slaps at grown security dudes as clowns made balloon animals behind them. Next level gangsta shit. After the fight, Biebs threw a hissy fit, grabbed his friends including Jaden Smith and his rumored piece Ella-Paige Roberts Clarke (the trick in the red leather jacket) and left the club. #richwhitegirlproblems

Poor Lesbeaver. This would've never happened if he had his party at his first venue of choice: Chuck E. Cheese. At Chuck E. Cheese, when you get into a fight with security (aka the dude dressed like Chuck E.), you settle your beef in the ball pit where all beefs should be settled.

And here's some pictures that make a strong case for sedating all Beliebers. They tried to eat him and they made him a cake that was probably made with their own panty pudding.

I once worked at a company a million years ago where the owner believed that the best way to run a business was to hire as many of his own blood relatives as possible. The owner had this nephew who dropped out from the University of Phoenix Online (Who in the HELL drops out of the University of Phoenix Online?!), didn't finish his courses at DeVry and only had "clerk at Kinko's" on his resume under past employment, so naturally he was made Director of Marketing of the company. Dude really tried to do a good job, but I've heard better ideas from a 4-year-old on a sugar high and "awkward" doesn't begin to describe the presentations he'd give to the entire company. Dude's presentations were as cringe-worthy as watching your piece try to get it up by furiously fapping with his own saliva while you hug a pillow hoping for it to end.

The whole "nephew of the owner of the company" thing is the first thing I thought of when watching Jaden Smith's new rap video. FOR WHY?! Jaden is only 14 years old, so he should be snorting bath salts under the bleachers like a normal high school freshmen and not rapping about dating older women who do yoga. My soul is doing the downward NO to that one. This is what happens when a latch key kid has an unlimited allowance and an iPhone contact list full of music industry executives who owe his daddy a favor. If you strapped that video to a heart monitor, the only thing you'd see on the screen is a flat line. Jaden's voice is monotone as hell. Not to mention that his facial expressions go from "a stoned Doug" to an "extra smug Dylan McKay."

First, music gets this song from Jaden Smith and then Andy Williams dies. Music, you can stay under the covers today. It's not your day. And now for a palate cleanser:

via HuffPo

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.

Willow "Coloring Outside of the Lines" Smith, Jaden Smith and their gang of Latch Key Kids left the Louis Vuitton store in L.A. the other night and I have two very good reasons for being mad at her. The first being that the gay poodle's ass on her head has given me a craving for cinnamon candy popcorn and that's not okay since my shit is on a diet after swallowing all the good things Italy has to offer for a week. The second being that I wish that when I was 3 (or however old she is) I could walk around looking like the acid-tipped Bride of Minajestein without the fear of an abuelita slapping the WTF off of my head with a chancleta.

In the new issue of Architectural Digest, The Smith Family gave the magazine a tour of their 25,000 square foot mega mansion in Malibu that they built from the ground up. To put things into perspective, my apartment is probably the size of one of the bathroom tiles in the powder room that they'll never ever piss in because they've got 10 of them!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith tell AD (via Daily Mail) that mostly everything in the house was made by human hands and comes from all over the world. Will and Jada are into that OM shit, so she says they kept that in mind when designing the 9" burrito dick of houses.

"For Will and me this home was always a spiritual endeavor.

We’re very earthy, organic people. We wanted to create a family retreat, something made by hand and as natural as possible, something that ties back to the land. Whatever it becomes, the craftsmanship will always represent our union and the love of our family."

Will then said that they designed the house with "no dead ends… to create an infinite cycle that represented what Jada and I hoped for our love." Kind of like the infinite cycle of vomit that's about to pour out of my mouth hole after reading that mess of a quote? Okay, I get it.

Will and Jada obviously love living in a gigantic mansion that looks like one of the nicer Radissons, so I won't get on them at how my ass cheeks are sweating from the chair overload in their front hallway alone. Seriously, that shit almost looks like an indoor park. If I walked by and saw two strange old men with Styrofoam cups of coffee playing chess, I wouldn't even blink. I also wouldn't even blink if a colony of possums from the north wing passed by me while going to the south wing for winter. Even Jada and Will wouldn't notice.

This is the real secret to their long-lasting marriage. Jada and Will are always going on about how they keep their marriage hot by fucking each other's holes all over the place. Bitches, please.

The truth is their marriage has lasted so long, because they never see each other! It's too much work. When Will wants to visit Jada in her private suite at the opposite end of their compound, he needs a GPS system, three sets of fully charged batteries, a golf cart, a space blanket and a guide with a donkey to get there. It's easier just to send that bitch a postcard via Pony Express.

Phoebe Price is an international supermodel who has toplined the most prestigious food court fashion shows in Perris and has graced the cover of a dozen fashion magazines published by a Knott's Berry Farm photo booth, so I really shouldn't question her style choices, but what in the name of the coat of many colors does she have on her truly exquisite body?!

Did a two-headed crow attack her in the head which caused her to fall and get tangled up in the backyard clothesline of a lady who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of fugly ass bedspreads? PP is a goddess molded from a mound of ground chipolte chicken, and that dress is not worthy of her beauty.

With all that being said, Chicken Cutlets was still the best dressed at last night's American Mess Awards. I mean, look at her competition:

Ke$ha - Bitch's dress looks the inside of my broke Boom Box after it chewed on and warped one of my Alice Cooper tapes. No points for those stud brows.
Nicki Minaj - Is she wearing the skeleton of one RPattz's golden unicorns? This is not a total fail since her hair is looking like a yellow & green Jello parfait.
The Smiths sans Will - Have the Smith family recently checked the batteries on their carbon monoxide detectors, because that's the only reasonable explanation for this kind of foolery.
RiRi - An extra clotty tampon comes to mind....
Taylor Swift or Kat Stacks?
Johnny Weir - His beauty is almost on par with Phoebe's so there's no shade to throw.
Will.I.Cant - Really, I can't anymore.
The dude from Train - When he performed last night, his pants sparkled like Edward Cullen's peen under a spotlight.

Actually, since I put it that way the dude from Train gets best dressed. PP is a close second!

No, no, that's not Erykah Badu. Jada Pinkett Smith is going to beat me with her strap-on for that one! It's Jaden Smith and his father Will sharing a tender moment during a press conference for The Karate Kid in Berlin.

This reminds me of when I was in junior high school and tried to grow out a glorious fro like Jaden's, but it ended up looking like Annie after getting tasered in the head. It was nothing like Jaden's. It was like a misshapen tumbleweed of sadness on top of my head. The asshole kids in my school called me Sidehomo Bob even long after I shaved that mess.