On Good Morning America today, Tom Hanks gave modern civilization an apology gift for his involvement in the creation of Chet Haze (which still sounds like a semi-comatose condition you get from your over shitting yourself) by waking everybody up with the glorious fuck word. Elizabeth Vargas asked Tom Hanks to talk like one of the characters he plays in Cloud Atlas and out came the fucking word that makes the world go fucking 'round. Elizabeth grabbed her mouth, Tom Hanks covered up his f-bomb launching hole and the innocent 5-year-olds who were watching Good Morning America at 8am laughed out the words, "Oh Forrest Gump, you stupidfuckingpieceofshitcuntbitchwhoreslutdumbass," right before they went on Facebook to cyber bully a classmate from pre-school.
Even though with that stache Tom Hanks looks like an actor from Colonial Williamsburg who gets drunk and flashes unsuspecting women in the park, he's still a national treasure and he proved it again today by screwing everybody in the ears with the fuck word.
Never mess with a rock star who still looks like a Joan Jett rag doll made of t-shirts from Hot Topic, because he will burn the place down with the fuck bombs launching out of his mouth.
During Green Day's set at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas last night, the timer in front of the band let them know that they only had 1 minute left, because Usher went 25 minutes over. Billie Joe Armstrong was not having any of it. Bille Joe stopped everything to give the performance of Green Day's career. Billie Joe busted into a hilarious freak out where he yelled at the organizers for disrespecting a dude who has been in the game for over 20 years. I kept waiting for someone to hand BJ a dirty martini and for him to lean against a grand piano and slur out shit like, "Your know what your problem is! You have some nerve! It's the pictures that got small! Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my -godfuckingdamnit, that guitar is looking at me funny. I'll show you, guitar!"
Billie Joe got so mad that I'm sure the hairs on his b-hole stood up like some of the hairs on his head. Bitch went off and I love every millisecond of this dramatic cunt meltdown from the first "fuck" that comes out of his mouth to the last one. I even loved that it almost took him 10 minutes to destroy his guitar. PUNK! ROCK! If that guitar had eyes, it would be rolling them. It was taking so long for BJ to put a dent in that guitar, so it finally took pity on him and broke itself.
And Billie Joe's eyeliner stayed immaculate during this entire bitch fest. A true DIVA!
Here's some hos who got to witness Billie Joe's "We're fucking done professionally!" rant live last night. In order: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, the second hardest bitches there, the hardest bitch there, Usher, No Doubt, Kathy Griffin, Ryan Lochte (looking like a 2nd grader circa 1983 wearing a homemade Thriller costume) and Colton Haynes.
There's my girl Pink, looking like she just bit something off of Eminem that he's going to miss. I like her. Girlfriend just expresses herself, with less than a fraction of a fuck to give about what anybody feels about it. She is the teeny bit girly girl meets tomboy break your ass in half extravaganza. HEARTS.
In the near future, she is doing a compilation with the equally adored by me (in an abrasive and scary as fuck way) Eminem on her upcoming The Truth About Love. I'm actually ingrigued to see what these two SUCK IT SOCIETY, I DO WHAT I WANT!! hoes come up with. They've worked together before, when Pink backed his ass up (mmmmmm hmmm!!) on Won't Back Down on his Recovery LP in '10.
According to Daily Mail, in one of the most eloquent interviews ever given to Australia's Herald Sun, she says primly while stroking her pearls with an extended pinkie:
"He said, "Do you want to do a song with me?" "F*** yeah!"
I said, "Do you want to do a song with me?" and he said, "F*** yeah!"
'Handshake. Nothing signed. Done."
Okay, first of all can we all agree that there should be a lot more "FUCK YEAH" at work and a lot less "yes ma'am/sir, I would be SO happy to assist you"?? Wouldn't it make the work day so much better? I could actually look forward to that shit then.
"You want this burger and fries bitch?"
"Fuck yeah! Do you want me to pay you?"
And second, fuck yeah.
Imagine hanging out with these two backstage at the concert. Shit would be busted all to hell, bitches would be dancing on the chairs, toilets would be destroyed, random objects would be burning....HOT!! I am so forwarding this to them in hopes of a back stage pass, even though I will probably jump a fence to get into the concert without paying because the door guy has already been blown. Twice. Don't judge me.
And to celebrate Pink's motherly side, here are a couple of pics of her with Carey and baby girl Willow looking like the perfect super tatted family while chilling in Malibu.
Before we go on, let me clarify to those of who don't know that "mutti" isn't a charming British nickname for Gwyneth Paltrow's down low Apple maker. Let's just get that straight, because that's what I thought at first. "Mutti" is apparently what some Germans call their abuelitas. Although, according to Fishsticks, her mutti was a real cunt (insert audience applause here). Fishy's never-ending book tour made a stop on Chelsea Lately last night, and the two started talking about their grandmas (at the 4:15 mark). Chelsea said hers was a real bitch and Fishy took off her "refined lady of the manor" act when she shot back and said hers was a real cunt.
Oh, Mutti Danner, I never got the chance to witness your cuntiness in all its glory, but I can say with complete confidence that I LOVE YOU. You will say the same thing to Mutti Danner's spirit when you read what Fishsticks had to say about her:
"She just hated my guts, basically, and she tried to poison my mother against me. She must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was as mean as hell."
Never mind that Fishy's fake ass is trying hard to out-shock Chelsea, but Mutti Danner was truly a magical woman who knew that the little girl before her would grow into a GOOP monster that would terrorize the world with her oven burning pizzas of pretentiousness.
That being said, it seems like Fishy's mutti never whooped her with a bag of Wonder Bread in the middle of a supermarket aisle nearly enough. I mean, if I EVER called my abuelita that word, it would be over for me. I wouldn't even call her a half-a-labia. Or a clitoris. Or anything other than "pleasenoabuelita."
Even if I called her that word today, the walls would shake, her spirit would take over my soul and I'd spend the rest of the day beating my nalgas with a torn off tree branch. Abuelitacism is a real thing and it's no joke. NO PRIEST CAN HELP YOU! Let's hope that Mutti Danner shows Fishy who the real cunt is by doing the same thing. And I bet Mutti Danner will force Fishy to beat herself her a plastic branch from a fake tree. That's the real burn.
via Daily Mail
Pictures of Sean Penn resembling Eleanor Abernathy dressed in costume as a pre-chunk Robert Smith made my August, and now he's back with the same MAN DOWN CODE 10 wig on his head to complete my October. But why does Wyclef's mortal enemy still have the same grouchiness on his face as though someone fucked their b-hole with his favorite red lipstick? Looking like a downtrodden Cher the day after the reviews for Burlesque come out....or like Edward Scissorhands the day Flowbees hit the market. A sad old queen with a sad old wig is just plain sad.
Here's a few more of Sean Penn on the NYC set of No, No, No: The Neverending Saga of Amy Wino. No, he's on the set of This Must Be the Place (aka a hard peen dangling over a certain golden statue's mouth).
It's Monday, so you're probably dropping fuck bombs in your cubicle like Mel Gibson in need a blow. So why not bump your fuck bombs with Tiger Woods' fuck bombs (put a condom on your tongue first). At Saturday's British Open, Tiger let the fuck word leap off of his tongue after he missed a putt on the 13th hole.
Tiger focused hard on getting that ball in and it failed him. Tiger tried to picture the hole as his mouth and the ball as a giant Ambien. That didn't help him focus. Tiger tried to picture the hole as a cocktail waitress' snatch and the ball as an anal bead (It's Tiger, he's kinky), but that didn't help. Tiger tried to picture the hole as Gloria Allred's mouth and the ball as a giant plug, but obviously that didn't do the trick either. When Tiger missed the shot, he muttered to himself, "Why the fuck did you do that?"
"Why the fuck did you do that?" and Tiger Woods are so perfect for each other that he should probably get that shit tattooed on his tongue.