Struttin' That Ass

When I was a freshmen in high school, I dyed my hair the color of a rusty penny and shaved everything except for a patch of curls in the front. My head looked like one of the title roles in 2 Girls, 1 Cup (hint: neither of the 2 girls). My mom took one look at it, immediately inhaled the first reaction that was sitting on her tongue and finally said, "If that's what you want to do."

So that's what I'm going to say to these pictures of Jared Leto walking around in SoHo yesterday looking like a Tokio Hotel roadie who found out the hard way that porcupines don't make good pillows. And he's doing it!

Those cobblestones have been through some serious shit, but I bet they were not prepared for the kind of heat they felt when Lenny Kravitz stepped out wearing an ensemble you thought only existed in Grace Jones or Bill Kaulitz' closet. Nope, Lenny has joined the game.

The sight of anyone in leather wedge boots and leather pants would make me reach for a vial of Tim Gunn's blessed saliva, but Lenny Kravitz can wear whatever the hell he wants.

When Lenny struts his ass in leather wedge boots, everybody's sphincter pays the price. Yup, so you better move your proctologist appointment up a few hours today. You won't stop puckering until then.

And yes, I'd hit it until the doctor pronounced me D.O.A. And Lenny can keep the boots on! Please do.

It feels like the entire cast of HUGE is Riverdancing in my head and I think I just developed a 1-pack from constricting my stomach so much to keep the drunk barfs from rising to the top, but these pictures of ASkars at LAX yesterday are slowly soothing the edges of my hangover. I don't know if it's because he's dressed like a general in the gay army, but this is definitely better than a cup of blended menudo with a splash of vodka.

And if you prefer your pieces darker and meatier, here's ASkars True Blood co-star Joe Manganiello looking like a former 90s boy bander turned Affliction stock boy at an event for Virgin Airlines the other day and at the Art of Elysium benefit last night.

New York is wetter than a Twihard's panties on Edward Cullen's fake born day, and it's obviously due to the fact that the gloriously beautiful Empress of Lucite defied all laws of natures by wearing FLIP FLOPS in Miami this past weekend!!! And not even elegant platform flip flops! Just basic flip flop farted out of the dry asshole of any Big Lots!

This is a sight that makes my eyes (and everything) sore! Actually, my everything was already sore, but let's not tip toe into that topic when there's more important news to deal with!

When Shauna Sand doesn't wear her exquisite lucite stilts to heaven, the angels up above don't have a clear view of her stunning "sculpted by Michelangelo from a block of silicone" face. Because of this, the angels have begun their "We Weep For Lucite" world tour. So you better channel your inner Mike Holmes and start working on your floating shack, because the angels are not going to stop.

While Steven Slater was giving a melodramatic exit worthy of a million diva cunt queens, Michelle Williams Verdine White of Earth, Wind and Fire was across the country struttin' that ass out of the gym in blue leggings! Bitches were fainting on both sides of the country. These two highly important events are obviously connected.

Okay, my mom's blind dog Chiquita could've figured this one out right away since even the tiniest glimpse of Rojo Caliente makes your loins feel like somebody blew ancho chile rub all over them. If this is new to you then you probably figured that your genitals are on fire because your weekend of debauchery finally caught up with you in a bad way. You can tell your place holder at the free clinic to get out of the line, because this is just your body's natural way of reacting to the human fireball that is Rojo Caliente! Take note!

In NYC last night, a rainbow gently kissed the sidewalk creating two pots of gold which Rojo and Lady Caliente popped out of. Rojo graced the public with her presence to see Jennifer Coolidge, who is looking like the happiest seasoned call girl in a Reno lounge, at Comix.

Seeing Rojo and Lady Caliente wearing the fuck out of their newest Land's End purchases has pretty much wrapped up and dropped a bow on my day. So if you're a bill collector looking for me to pay up, today is the day to call! Yes, I will still curse you out, but I will tell you to have a Very Rojo Day afterwards!

And now let's all stop, drop and roll!

Ed Westwick doesn't need a man slave following him around with a rainbow umbrella, because he's the one who's throwing the shade.

Here's the honey glazed catfish that is Ed Westwick struttin' that ass upstream while giving me all sorts of "gay Italian gigolo on the stroll" fever. Hopefully, this picture will serve as an inspiration for the chamber music version of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" as performed by the Gay Men's Chorus of NYC.