Weddings

Carmen Electra will make Rob Patterson her third husband. Carmen has dated Rob, the former touring guitarist of Korn, for not even a year.

37-year-old Rob popped the question while they were celebrating her 36th Birthday in Las Vegas this past weekend. Her spokeswhore confirms it. Carmen also recently got an "R" tattoo behind her ear and it doesn't stand for retarded.

A source told People that the ring "is a black diamond set in white diamonds." When I hear the words "white diamonds," I automatically think of Elizabeth Taylor's commercial. "Not so fast Tom Ryan!"

Carmen was married to Dennis Rodman for less than a year and Dave Navarro for a little over 3 years.

Carmen is marrying the wrong snatch. We all know she belongs with Joan Jett.

Gary Coleman and his wife of 8-months, Shannon Price, are heading to "Divorce Court." Bossip reports that the two-part special will air on May 1st during sweeps. Apparently, this shit was taped back in March. Celeb Scoop reports that Gary wanted to go on the show, because he's a big fan. Why didn't Vh1 think of this shit?! Celebrity Divorces hosted by Pamela Anderson.

Here's the synopsis of Gary's second episode. Train sets!

On the conclusion of a two part session of Divorce Court, both Gary Coleman and his wife Shannon Price agreed to come on Divorce Court because they wanted Judge Toler’s marital advice. Shannon says she is tired of Gary’s outbursts and head banging against the wall episodes. Shannon wants Gary to start going out with her instead of staying indoors playing video games and playing with his train sets. Shannon also says she wants to have kids but Gary is not fond of them. Gary says he does not like going out and would rather spend his time with his train set. Gary also says he does not want to have kids because he does not like them.

Picturing Gary Coleman in a little conductor hat, screaming "Choo Choo" at the top of his little lungs has made my day.

40-year-old Gary married 22-year-old Shannon last August in Utah. Back then, Gary admitted that he was a virgin and also confessed about having a temper. Shannon said he regularly threw shit at her during arguments.

Gary has since said he lost his virginity to Shannon. That's the problem right there! The sex is shit.

Actually don't wake me, just slip the pics under my pillow and give me a nice slap on the ass. You get extra points if you whisper "sweet buns" into my ear before leaving my room. Anyway (and a big anyway), Beyonce and Jay-Z filed their signed marriage license on Friday in Scarsdale, NY.

People reports that the town clerk said April 4th is listed as their wedding date. Bey and Jay still haven't confirmed to their adoring public. The license was filed more than 5 day after the wedding, but it will be processed without penalty. The town clerk claimed the penalty is usually waived. LIES! They should have rejected the license just to say they did. The town clerk should have tore up the license, stuck it in her mouth and then arrested them on the spot. I hate missed opportunities.

I guess that confirms that. BLAH!

Paris Hilton is planning a spectacular double wedding with Nicole Richie. Showbiz Spy reports that the two want to marry their boyfriends, The Madden Douches, in a double wedding to make millions from all the publicity.

Are these cunts 8-years-old? This is the kind of shit you joke around with your friends at a slumber party while waiting for the bras and panties to freeze. "We'll get married in a double wedding, with an ice cream wedding cake! You'll wear pink and I'll wear white. "

A source said, “Paris is doing it all for attention, as usual. It’s a publicity stunt, just like everything else."

Wonky has also been walking around town with a ring on her engagement finger. It's probably Benji's cock ring. She really does love him!

Here's more pics of Wonky being a skank slut yesterday.

59-year-old Ivana Trump made 35-year-old Rossano Rubicando her fourth husband today in Palm Beach, FL reports People. The two married at Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago estate in front of 500 guests. Ivana's ring alone cost $1 million. They also had a 50 member wedding party. Guests included Donald Trump, George Hamilton, Ivanka Trump and Kathy Hilton.

Ivana took inspiration from "A Midsummer Night's Dream" for her wedding and reception. A 12-foot tall wedding cake was flown in from Germany and a 24-piece orchestra came in from Paris. This wedding is a tacky mess! It's just missing midgets from Russia dressed as gold cupids carrying Ivana in on a bed of tiger fur.

Ivana began dating Rossano six years. He's an Italian "actor/model." Of course he's an actor and model! Could he be anything else? Well, he could be an escort. He probably forget to mention that little tidbit.

Rossano said, "She's an amazing woman. Beautiful, smart, sexy, powerful, successful, young in spirit." He forgot to mention RICH. Yeah, what's the point of stating the obvious reason for you marrying someone. I know, I know. I'm such a grouchy piece of trash. They love each other. It's true, true love!

Remember that Ivana's hot reality show "Ivana Young Man?" She should have shot another season of that hotness instead of marrying this dude.

This is going to be the costume event of the year! Johnny Depp will reportedly marry Vanessa Paradis on June 14th. The two have been together 10 years and have two children. Vanessa has told Johnny that she's ready to make it legal.

Life & Style (via Showbiz Spy) claims the wedding will be in Georgia, so most of Johnny's family can go. A Source said, “They wanted to make it convenient for Johnny’s family in Florida, so the wedding will likely take place in Georgia’s Tybee Island. They’re going to send out invitations in a few weeks.”

This needs to happen for the pictures alone. Imagine the shit these two are going to wear. It's going to look like a scene out of "Bugsy Malone." I'm also sending good thoughts to the person that officiates the wedding. It's going to take every working bone in their body to not say to Vanessa, "Do you gappy take Johnny..."

Oh and I'll be chartering a bus to Georgia for those of you that want to join me in trying to stop the wedding. Johnny might find it terribly romantic and marry one of us instead. Either that or he'll find it terribly creepy and shoot us. I'm willing to take my chances.

You will probably see a gazillion pictures of Beyonce and Jay-Z this weekend, so I will give you a slight break from that. Besides, pussy love is a strong kind of love. Pussy love is unbreakable and that's the kind of love BeyBey and Jay have. Not really, but I thought I would at least try to be sentimental.

So...so...so...there's no official confirmation, but a friend of the couple told People Magazine, "It happened earlier this evening. Jay wanted it to be a really private affair – close friends and family."

If they weren't married, I'm going to break into BeyBey's house and cut up all her prized wigs! That whole "are they getting married" thing that went down yesterday was ridiculous. It felt like I was watching a police standoff. One minute, flowers were going in. The next minute, Fishsticks Paltrow was going in. OMG! Solange is wearing white. Seriously, I was waiting for a White Bronco to careen down the street.

In case you give a cheese stick, they had a very intimate ceremony that was followed by a big party at Jay's Tribeca apartment. Guests included Mama Knowles, Daddy Knowles, Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams, Fishy and Chris Martin. Solange was also there, but I'm sure she had to work coat check.

I'm sure they will be married to each other forever and ever and ever and ever! In the celebrity world that means about 3 years.

It looks like that little exchanging of the vows thing between Beyonce and Jay-Z is going down right now in NYC. Let's all join hands and try to look like we care. If you concentrate really hard on trying to push a fart out of your urethra, you can achieve the perfect "I care" look.

The Insider has pics of different shit like flowers going into a building in Tribeca. Everything is built around white and Roman numeral IV. You can't write this shit. This is some "Footballers Wives" type mess.

InTouch reports that it's Jay-Z personal pad. A source also claims they are marrying in France next month too. They said, “It’s going to be May 4 in France. They’re obsessed with the number four and call it their lucky number.”

The above picture is rumored to be Beyonce's bouquet. If this is any indication to what the wedding looks like, I can't wait for the other pictures. I really hope her dress is covered in rhinestones, baby teeth and Solange's white tears.

It's the wedding of the year second! Everyone seems to think Beyonce and Jay-Z will be married in NYC tonight. The E-Biz has a few details that have been going out to guests. They claim the guest list is very small, the location was not printed on the invitations and guests were told to wear all ivory. The guest list includes Serena and Venus Williams. STA POWA!

You know this wedding is going to be a tack-tack-tacky affair if they tell you to wear all ivory. I hope there's one smart motherfucker that shows up in an ivory coat, but opens it to real their BRIGHT WHITE gown. I'm thinking Solange needs to do that shit. She's already been banished to a life in the basement, so she might as well go down cackling.

Lainey Gossip also thinks it's in the numbers for Beyonce and Jay-Z to be married today:

B’s birthday is September 4th. Jay’s birthday is December 4th. They have matching IV tats on their ring fingers acquired in Paris…

He owns the 40/40 clubs.

Tomorrow is April 4th.

04/04/08

4+4=8

And 4 is the number of times I dry heaved while reading that shit. They would totally get married today based on those numbers.

Beyonce and Jay-Z swaggered into a joint in Scarsdale Village, N.Y and applied for a marriage license today reports People. The license is valid for 60 days. Beyonce's rep wouldn't comment. Why didn't they just call Solange? She's not doing anything but sitting around answering Beyonce's fan mail. If you write to Beyonce and she writes back, "I HATE YOU." Know that Solange wrote that with love.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have been dating since 2002. There have been so many rumors of them being married, divorced, pregnant, aliens, blah...blah...blah... They were probably just bored of looking at each other, so they decided to play an April Foolio's joke.

If they are getting married then I expect an over-the-top tacky fiesta! House of Derriere better whip up a dress made out of albino alligator skin. You know even JLo is going to stand back and say, "Damn, they are too much!"