Weddings

As the wax covered porcelain dragon Camille Grammer sit on the floor of her dungeon counting all the millions that Kelsey Grammer passed to her side of the table two weeks ago, he made his checking account weep some more by marrying 29-year-old Kayte Walsh without a prenup in NYC today. The bride wore ivory, the groom wore foolery and the groom's business manager wore a "...the fuck is he doing?" look during the entire ceremony.

People reports that Kelsey made Kayte his fourth wife at the Longacre Theater, where he did La Cage aux Folles for a year. Kayte was escorted down the theater aisle by a gigantic shovel and an even bigger wheelbarrow. Afterward, Kayte, Kelsey and their guests headed to the Plaza Hotel for the reception. No word if the guests nibbled on tossed salad or scrambled eggs.

Kelsey's spokeswhore confirms this mess:

"Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh were married today at a private ceremony for family and friends."

Yes, Kelsey looks like a nervous father who is about to caca in his chonies before escorting his older-looking teen daughter into her debutante ball, but who cares! And yes, Kelsey's addiction to marriage is eventually going to leave him with nothing but what's on that curb, but it's his wallet that's bawling like my no-no on a Saturday night. Not ours. Camille got hers, so I'm good.

And me. I didn't get one of these in my mailbox either, but that isn't going to stop me from making a counterfeit one using the most skilled day clerk at Kinko's, a gold Sharpie a copy of Prince Hot Ginge's saliva (made with jalapeno lube, the gel from 2 Red Hots, vodka mucous and liquid fire). This is the fancy invitation that Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out last week to 1,000 of their closest friends as well as 900 family members, government officials and dignitaries from around the world. Yes, and I've already sent my reply to Lord Richard Chamberlain requesting the bangers and mash for dinner and the spotted dick (I'm guessing PHG has freckles all over) for dessert.

Popeater says that one name has been left off the guest list for Prince Willy and Kate Bottompound's wedding (or as Kate calls it, THE DAY THE CROWN IS FINALLY FUCKING MINE day) and that name begins with "The Original" and ends with "Fergie." Even though Fergie's ex-husband Prince Andrew and their two daughters were invited, Fergie was not. Sources say that the royal family did not appreciate Fergie selling their asses out and think that if she goes to the wedding, she'll hide a camera in her QVC broach and sell the pictures to the News of the World. Fergie confirms that she wasn't invited and says that she never expected a royal eVite to land in her inbox anyway.

It isn't a royal event without Fergie there to throw cunt shade at The Queen (a cuntsy, if you will) and then ruin the whole thing by drunkenly falling into the cake while doing the electric slide. Fergie can be my plus one when I crash that shit with the help of my counterfeit invitation. But she better wear her finest gold leisure suit since Prince William and Kate are obviously serious about their loungewear.

On the balcony of Buckingham Palace this morning, a herald screamed out "HEAR YE! HEAR YE!" before proclaiming that Prince William has chosen his brother Prince Hot Ginge as his best man and Kate Middleton has chosen her sister Pippa as her maid of honor. Prince William would've been launched into the moat if he didn't go with Prince Hot Ginge, but I'm a little disappointed that Kate Middleton didn't ask England's finest rose Jodie Marsh to be her maid of honor. The royal wedding has now slid back a few places on the elegance scale due to Kate's mistake.

The BBC says it was also announced that Kate will have four bridesmaids (more like bridestoddlers) including 7-year-old Lady Louise Windsor, 8-year-old Margarita Armstrong-Jones, 3-year-old Grace van Cutsem and the Duchess of Cornbread's 3-year-old granddaughter Eliza Lopes. Prince William's pageboys will be 8-year-old Tom Pettifer and 10-year-old William Lowther-Pinkerton.

A BRIDAL PARTY OF BABIES!!! This almost ruins everything. How am I supposed to successfully disguise myself as a member of the royal bridal party when they're all as tall as garden gnomes? I guess I'll have to super glue tiny shoes to my knees and hope that nobody thinks it's weird that one of the baby bridesmaids has a 5 o'clock shadow (I'm from Camilla's side of the family). It's a good thing I can walk for miles on my knees. File that under: skills I learned while dating a dude with Restless Leg Syndrome.

In preparation for April 29th, I've been taking night classes at the Learning Annex on royal British wedding etiquette. Royal etiquette states that the best man must wear an ascot thong with a cut-out and carry the ring on his crotch finger. When Prince William and Kate Middleton are pronounced husband and wife, the best man must tear off his thong and do the dick slappy dance down the aisle. This happened at every single one of King Henry VIII's weddings. These are the rules and Prince Hot Ginge better abide by them or off with his head (or is it, off with his clothes so that we can all give him head?).

Prince William and Kate Middleton can kindly step aside, because the royal wedding march that is playing right now is meant for 85-year-old Duchess de Alba and her groom-to-be Alfonso Díez! Spain Review reports that the powdery dandelion will marry Alfonso this September making him her third husband. Duchess de Alba is one of Spain's most richest people and she owns the most land in the country, so she's forced Alfonso to sign a prenup in the blood of her grandson Voldemort.

An official confirmation has not been delivered by doves from the House of de Alba, but at a fashion event in Sevilla, the duchess answered "si" when somebody asked her if she was marrying Alfonso this fall. And we should also wait for the official announcement from the British royal family stating that William and Kate's wedding has been postponed indefinitely. Kate Middleton knows she can't compete. The title of "Most Beautiful Bride of 2011" has already been claimed by the duchess even though the field mice have yet to complete her wedding gown using the finest cobwebs and lace.

And you might as well start updating your address book now since it's going to take you a few months. The Duchess de Alba's full name will change from:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay

to:

María del Rosario Cayetana Paloma Alfonsa Victoria Eugenia Fernanda Teresa Francisca de Paula Lourdes Antonia Josefa Fausta Rita Castor Dorotea Santa Esperanza Fitz-James Stuart, Silva, Falcó y Gurtubay Díez

The 9-inch dick of names! It just rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls and rolls off your tongue.

(Thanks Sue)

At the end of 2010, the cherubs gathered together to burn their arrows in a giant bonfire before partaking in a massive coke-fueled casual fuck orgy, because they no longer gave an ASS about anything since it looked like love was done forever. But today, those cherubs are shaking off the pain in their raw fuck parts so that they can whittle new arrows now that LOVE is back! Case in point: Valerie Bertinelli slid a hitchin' gown over her Jenny Craig-produced body yesterday to get married to her piece of 7 long years, financial planner Tom Vitale.

People says that 50-year-old Valerie and 49-year-old Tom said vows and shit to each other at their home in Malibu last night in front of 100 guests including her ex-husband Eddie Van Halen and her 19-year-old son Wolfie.

Tom looks like he's one stache-shaving away from starring in a NOT RIGHT porn parody of Gandhi and it also looks like he jizzes out lemon-scented multi-purpose cleaner if you rub his head a few times, so Valerie definitely made the right choice.

When Shania Twain's husband Mutt Lange quit her ass for his mistress whore in 2008, she got revenge by fucking on his mistress whore's ex-husband Frederic Thiebaud. That DOES impress me much! That shit is seriously a Lifetime movie starring Melissa Joan Hart itching to happen. Eventually, Shania's revenge fuck with Frederic blossomed into true love and TMZ has a picture of the two giving the ultimate F U to Mutt Lange by getting married in Rincon, Puerto Rico on New Year's Day.

You know, I'm happy that Shania picked a winner at the wedding ring swap party (aka the key party for masochists), but this marriage already looks all kinds of DOOMED! I mean, Shania's groom showed up ready get down under the disco ball of love and she didn't.

Maybe Shania had a mid-ceremony costume change and twirled into a red disco dress later, but it's still not looking good. That's like a point to the stars WITHOUT a hip pop. Leaving her new husband hanging and shit.

The meaning of true love is slowly crusting over, but it had one last outbreak yesterday in the form of Hulk Hogan's wedding to his girlfriend of two years Jennifer McDaniel. As 57-year-old Hulk said "I Do" to 35-year-old Jennifer in a beachfront ceremony outside of his home in Clearwater, Florida, a brawl broke out between one of his security guards and a paparazzo who was trying to document the blessed event (Note to pap: You could've taken a picture of a seagull pecking at a picked off anal wart on the sandy sidewalk and we wouldn't have known the difference).

Radar reports the police were called after the pap complained Hulk's security dudes wrecked his camera and roughed him up a bit. A source said, "Hulk's security team was in the background throwing around the paparazzi who was standing 200 feet away in the shoreline water. Hulk's snappy wedding clip just might be subpoenaed since they are in the background punching it out! The paparazzo wants charges filed and plans to sue for physical, financial and emotional distress."

Hulk's wedding guests barely noticed the brawl since they were too distracted by the sound of Marriage hitting itself over the head with a metal chair while wailing out "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I BECOME?!" over and over again. It sucks that the fight didn't spill over into the wedding ceremony, because then Hulk might have accidentally married his daughter Brooke (it's an honest mistake) in the chaos. Then the two of them would've been arrested and jailed for committing incest. Wait, is that shit even illegal in Florida?

Never mind Nicole Richie throwing an "Am I really going to marry a bitch from Good Charlotte?" look, because she did marry a bitch from Good Charlotte last night at her daddy's mansion. After being together for four years and making two babies together, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden said "Til Death or an InTouch cover story from a call girl proclaiming 'Joel Madden sent me sexy text messages!' does them part" in front of 130 friends and family in Los Angeles last night. UsWeekly says that guests included Khloe Kardashian, Samantha Ronson and an elephant. Since Parasite Hilton couldn't make it, she sent the elephant in her place so she could be there in aroma (no offense to the elephant's anus).

Nicole's best friend Masha Gordon was her maid of honor and her daughter Sad Clown Baby was the flower girl. Nicole apparently wore a Marchesa wedding gown constructed by an army of twee mice with paws small enough to handle the teeny tiny threads of silk on her dress which was probably the size of a bunny's condom. And to honor her father, Nicole Richie placed a giant Lionel Richie clay head in the middle of every table. Now that is a centerpiece to knock a granny over for:

Anyway, congrats to Nicole and Joel and blah blah blah... This calls for a HAMSTER DANCE!

And that's probably EXACTLY what Benji Madden looked like when he tried to get his beat on last night.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak already has an adorable bundle of wig hair with eyes (and a possible nicotine addiction) growing in her womb and now Radar says she's celebrating yet another blessed event. Apparently, (WARNING: Clear your wind pipe because you know what's coming!) 32-year-old Kim (You still choked on air, right?) is wearing an engagement ring from her 25-year-old football playing baby daddy Kroy Biermann.

Radar's source had a lot to say about this mess. Really, the source just kept barfing out more words and more words. Radar tried to get them off the phone by using the "I'm prairie dogging" excuse, but that bitch kept blabbing. Radar pretended a gang of bandits broke into the office and strangled them with the phone cord, but the source kept going. Bitch had a lot to say. Read what I mean:

“Kim and Kroy are engaged, and only a few people know about it. They wanted to announce it in a national magazine, but Kim was so excited that she told a couple of close friends about it. Obviously, they are both really happy about both the baby and their engagement and cannot wait to start their new lifes together. Kroy proposed to her and bought her a substantial ring which she has shown to a few friends, although she is not wearing it in public yet.

Kim is actually in her second trimester with her pregnancy now, and the couple are still in talks about getting their own spin-off reality show. And if this does not happen then she will want to re-negotiate her terms on The Real Housewives Of Atlanta if her wedding and new baby were to be featured on the show. The other cast members are publicly backing Kim and Kroy but privately there are some jealousies because Kim is very much in the spotlight right now and not everyone is happy about that.”

Okay, which one of Kim's wig heads hopped out of the closet and speed dialed Radar with its nose?

This is not going to end well for Kroy's checking account, but it will end will for Kim Zolciak's ass. In a year's time, Kim will have an "I'm Pregnant!", "I'm Engaged!", "I'm Married", "I'm a Mom!" and an "I'm Divorced!" cover of Life & Style under her lacefront!

If April 29th is your born day, wedding anniversary or the creation date of your favorite dildo, then you should know that you won't be celebrating any of that shit that day. All of your celebratory energies need to be focused on Kate Middleton and Prince Big Willie, because April 29th has been tattooed on the ass cheek of Britain as their official weddin' day! Or for most Brits, it will be another day in April where they get to tell their alarm clocks to fuck off before filling their coffee makers with scotch and Tang. No work for them!

The BBC says that soon-to-be Princess Kate and Prince William have chosen Westminster Abbey as their wedding location, because it's like really British, or something. Westminster Abbey is also the place where Queen Elizabeth got married, and where Princess Diana's funeral took place. Prince William's private secretary released this statement about the wedding plans:

"We know that the world will be watching on April 29, and the couple are very, very keen indeed that the spectacle should be a classic example of what Britain does best. Prince William and Catherine have made it very clear that they wish everybody to be able to enjoy the day with them. Consequently, the day will be a proper celebration for the nation and the realms.

Having said that, the couple are very mindful of the current situation, and for example, Prince William has already expressed a clear wish that any involvement by the armed forces should rely in great part on those servicemen and women already committed to public and ceremonial duties."

Coincidentally, April 29th is also the date that at the bottom of the Village Voice's online news section, one of the headlines will read: Drunken Crazed Gay In A Princess Costume Arrested At The Abbey Bar In Brooklyn For Doing Unpublishable Acts of Depravity With A Homemade Prince Harry Doll.