Weddings

You know, I think what's going on in that picture is that somebody with the cocktail bill asked Kris Humphries what 20% of $250 is. Your brain freezes from drinking a Slurpee too fast. Kris' brain freezes from simple math. Or maybe Kris has a special sense that tells him when a Kim Kardashian fart has just entered the loading chamber and he's preparing himself.

FINALLY! The fucking media can stop referring to Kim Kardashian's STUNT QUEEN wedding as America's version of the royal wedding. (Unless by "royal" they mean "throne" and by "throne" they mean "toilet.") Just because Kim's face was knighted with a big black sword under a golden shower arch doesn't mean she's royalty! But yeah, tonight in Montecito, CA, Kris Humphries married Kim Kartrashian in front of 440 people who all met up in the back alley afterward to place bets on how long before the ratings of her reality show tank and she has to bust out a publicity stunt divorce (SPOILER ALERT: 6 months).

People says that Kim wore Vera's wang (sort of like this one but in virginal white), Kris wore a neanderthal face full of DURRRRR and the reception tent was decorated with the jizz blossoms that floated out of Ryan Gaycrest's ass when he thought about how this fake mess of a wedding is going to be a 4-hour-long special on E!.

There were rumors that Beyonce, Jay-Z, JLo and Kanye West were going to show up, but they got Lindsay Lohan, White Oprah, Kathie Lee Gifford, Avril Lavigne, Eva Longoria, Mario Lopez, Demi Lovato and Alan Thicke instead. The people who bet on how long Kim's marriage is going to last should've also bet that White Oprah will drunkenly lift up her skirt at the reception and try to fuck the cake, because that's totally going to happen if it hasn't already.

And I'm sure everyone shed a tear when Kim raised her glass and gave a special thanks to O.J. Simpson and Ray J's bladder for helping to make this happen.

(Image via Fayes Vision/Wenn.com)

File this under: At least one Michael K from NYC is getting gay married.

Fashion designer and professional Project Runway shade thrower Michael Kors married his piece of over 20 years Lance Le Pere on the beach in Southampton, New York today. The two met when Lance interned for Michael in 1990. Michael Kors said these words to WWD about his wedding:

"To marry someone as wonderful and special to me as Lance barefoot on a glorious beach is more than I could have dreamed of."

This makes my hallowed out raisin tear ducts a little moist for two reasons. It's a beautiful day when gay gold diggers have the same rights as straight gold diggers. It's also a beautiful day when a strong gold digger with his eye on the prize has crawled through the Michael Kors trenches (that is a euphemism) for over 20 years and has finally completed his mission! This is a monumental day for all proud wallet fuckers! No. I'm joking. I'm sure they love each other. I'm also sure that after Lance signed the prenup, he accidentally fed it to Michael Kors' belly button.

Congrats to Lance and Michael. It was obviously meant to be since their belly buttons can fuck. May Michael's top navel fuck Lance's bottom navel for the rest of eternity!

As the chapel's window fogged up with a greasy cloud of whiskey burps, coke sweat and future regrets, the original Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid, broke her streak as an always fiancee by becoming a bride in Greece today. I would write "hopa" in all Kanyes, but if I type it that loud I may wake Tara up from her drunk marital coma and she'll once again crash the nearest bar to give another wedding night beej to a full Ouzo bottle. Nobody wants that.

Tara's rep (yeah, don't you call your dealer your "rep" too) confirms to People that she married her boyfriend of about five seconds, Danish businessman Michael Lilleund, in Greece today. Michael Lilleund is not to be confused with Tara's last fiance and my personal favorite, Michael Axtmann (that's Michael Assman if your anus lips whistle at man bulge).

Michael Lilleund and Tara were only engaged for a quick second. In the span of just a few hours, Tara Twatted that she was engaged and then she announced that she was Michael's wife. This is your engagement on speed. Here's what Tara slur Tweeted yesterday:

I just got engaged!
13 Aug

Greece married!
13 Aug

Thank you for all of your support! I love you guys
13 Aug

Love in Greece...I am now a wife:)
13 Aug

Just got married in greece I love being a wife!
21 hours ago

I swear, the coke in Greece is no joke. What happens in Greece, gets quickie divorced in the Dominican Republic!

Seriously, I haven't checked Tara's Twatter in the past hour, but I'm pretty sure it reads: "I'm divorced! I love being an ex-wife!" HOPA! Oh, shit. I didn't mean to scream type that. There goes Tara barreling toward the bar....

Sherri "The German" Shepherd (copyright: Fresh) just got her wedding veil snatched off of her head (not really) by one of her partners in hen peckery! Joy Behar of The View always squawks about how marriage is about as important to her as not dressing like a pilgrim Benjamin Franklin is to Whoopi Goldberg, but she's changed her mind.

Joy married her partner of 29 years Steve Janowitz in New York City on Thursday night. Sadly, Joy's rep didn't confirm this shit by saying SO WHAT? WHO CARES? Joy's rep said she'll talk about it when The View comes back next month.

"She has married her spousal equivalent. She will discuss it all on The View on Sept 6, when The View kicks off Season 15 live."

And Sherri is supposed to bark out her wedding vows in Chicago today. Let's hope that Elisabeth Hasselcrack trumps both of those bitches by marrying her jaw together in wired bliss.

via UsWeekly

Jack Wagner (on the right, I think) will be singing ALLL AAAAAAAAAH NEEEEED to Heather Lockler at the wedding altar really soon, because the two told People that they are getting married and will pay Michael Mancini $1 million to help them flee the country since she's wanted by the police for killing her almost rapist in high school. I'm not sure if the wedding will happen before or after Eve tries to turn them into gravel meat with her car. You know, I don't know my own blood type, but I know almost every damn Melrose Place plot line. Shit, I hope Eve and Sexi Lexi wrestle on top of a mound of Peter's ashes at some point during the wedding.

This will be Heather's third time wearing a ball and chain in the form of a wedding ring. It will be Jack's second.

Heather Locklear has looked like she's been pregnant in the cheeks with twins for a long time, but when did Jack Wagner no longer look like Jack Wagner? Did Heather's cheeks eat his eyelids? Now he sort of looks like Derek Hough's old lesbian auntie. Will somebody please tell Heather Locklear's cheeks to spit out Jack Wagner's eyelids so he can go back to looking like Jack Wagner.

At the beginning of last season's The Real Housewhiners of New York, Jill Zarin nearly OY VEY-ed herself into a puddle of neurotic frustration when both Ramona and Alex showed up to a wedding wearing shades of cream. According to Jill, the wedding etiquette she pulled out of her own ass states that guests should never ever EVER ever wear anything in the white family. It is forbidden by law or some shit. (Question for Jill: But I've been to some weddings where the bride wore jorts, flip flops and an "I'm Marrying Stupid" t-shirt. Does this mean I can't wear jorts and flip flops too? Does this mean I can wear a white wedding gown and veil? Please advise.)

Well, guess who broke the law according to Jill Zarin when she showed up to the wedding of Prince Willy and Hot Ginge's cousin in head-to-toe cream? Okay, it's more like the color of leche con a drop of cafe (or like the color of a post-butt sex condom), but still!

Not only did Kate steal all of the attention away from Zara Phillips by wearing an embroidered corn tortilla coat, but not one guest at the wedding could concentrate on the ceremony. They were all too busy trying to fight the craving for thin crust pizza dough, a round tamale and a poorly made Awesome Blossom while staring at the mess on Kate's head. Making it all about you: Duchess Kate knows how to do it.

And now, instead of wanting to talk about Zara's dress, I want to nibble on an Awesome Blossom wrapped in pizza dough. Kate is good.

Here's a few more pictures from this morning's latest royal hat convention. In order: Duchess Kate with Prince William, Zara with her new husband Mike Tindall, THE QUEEN with her pocketbook, Prince Hot Ginge, Prince Charles, Princess Bea and the Duchess of Cornbread with some Wind of the Willows shit on her head.

"Do you take Wiener Dog as your lawfully wedded wife?" are the words most of us wish we could hear on our wedding day and Caroline "Not The Model One" Murphy is the lucky bitch whose ears will be tickled by those words in the near future. Heather Matarazzo of Welcome to the Dollhouse tells Associated Press that her girlfriend of a long ass time took her aside and said to her, " Yo, Wiener, you better get ready, 'cause at three o'clock today, I'm gonna WED you!"

They're engaged! Heather put the happy news like this:

"My eyes and spirit have opened up since I found someone that I get to share my life with. I don't believe that I've found my other half. That would mean I was thinking of myself as incomplete."

Heather and Caroline, who looks like she could've been Becky #3 if Roseanne needed another one, are planning a wedding in New York for this fall. There's gonna be Ring Dings, Pop Tarts, Jello-O, whatever and Steve Rogers will sing a re-worked version of this at the reception:

The wedding of the year month week day hour took place on a "secret tropical island" (how fucking "Lost" of them) yesterday when the dude with the pork filled empanada titties from 98 Degrees married Vanessa Manilafolders in front of 35 friends and a TLC camera crew. Actually, I think this was the second wedding of the hour, because I'm sure somebody married somebody in a Piggly Wiggly parking lot in the south and that is definitely more interesting. Anyway, the former Mr. Jessica Simpson Nick Lachey said "I dooooooo cherish yoooooooooo" to Vanessa and they blurted out this statement to People just seconds after their extremely private secret wedding:

"For us, this is just a stepping stone to do what we ultimately want and that’s to start a family together."

The extremely private secret wedding will air on the not-so-secret and not-so-private cable channel TLC on July 30th. Their wedding special will air directly after a fart fetish episode of Strange Sex since a bowel movement usually follows a fart.

And across the ocean, Jessica Simpson's mouth married an Entenmann's crumb cake as her dumb dumb fiance used her credit card to order a dozen Roombas off of HSN for his foolproof business venture: ROOMBA DERBY! Yeah, you're laughing now....

In front of the likes of Naomi Campbell, Princess Stephanie, Victoria Silvstedt and Kunty Karl, Prince Albert of Monaco married Charlene Wittstock in a religious ceremony yesterday afternoon. The rumor that Kunty Karl will turn into small pile of crushed bright white dead nightmares if he even makes half of a sashay into a church is obviously just that, because he was able to sit through the entire ceremony without God's angel army dragging him away.

The royal family obviously brought in the sexiest member of the Death Eaters to make sure that Charlene's ass didn't head for LE EXIT. There was talk that Charlene's passport was snatched away when she tried to pull some runaway bride shit by flying back to South Africa after she found out that Prince Albert has take a paternity test, because there's a good chance the bald man slut of Europe made a third love child with some Italian chick. Every time Charlene's eyes cut to the exit, Kunty Karl threatened to chew on her soul by making a sucking sound with his teeth. I guess Charlene figured that selling her soul to Monaco was better than her soul getting trapped around one of Kunty Karl's crushed bone hair follicles, because she actually married Prince Albert!

You wouldn't be lying if you said that Charlene looks like she would rather be marrying the OTHER Prince Albert. You know, the one who's a soft pierced dick. Instead of hearing the wedding march, you know Charlene heard the sounds of prisoners running tin cups along prison bars. Not since Stepford Katie....

Well, if you're going to put in shackles, it might as well be made of diamonds and shit.

If you're a crackhead on a budget, stand underneath Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty's window tonight with your mouth wide open, because he will definitely be shedding crack-laced tears of sadness over his true love Kate Moss marrying Jamie Hince of The Kills (aka Count Von Count) this afternoon in Southrop, England after being together for 4 years.

Kate apparently wore a dress made by cartoon villain and Hitler pin-up bitch John Galliano. Yeah, those gold things on Kate's dress are the fanciest Swastikas I've ever seen. Later tonight, they'll all chop the dress into fine powder and snort it up. I don't blame them, because judging by these pictures there are a lot of chirruns at that wedding. Why the hell does Kate have so many little girls dressed up as Midsummer Night's Dream nymphs? This isn't Shakespeare in the Park, bitch!

The guest list apparently includes Kanye West, Naomi Campbell, Anna Wintour, Stella McCartney and a bunch of other fashion people. Yeah, so that reception is going to be a blast. The waiters will serve them empty mirrors and they'll all just snarl at each other while poking at the pastel coke balls in plastic swan cups. Sounds fun!