Weddings

What is the world coming to?! Every whore and their day pimp is getting married! Even bitches that I never thought would say "I do," are saying "I DID!" David Letterman actually did it. He gulped down 12 scotches, took 10 crack hits and married his longtime homegirl of 23 years, Regina Lasko, at a courthouse in Montana on Thursday. David and Regina have a son Harry together.

ET says that David dropped the news to his audience during a taping of his show today. David said, "On Thursday, at 3 PM, March 19, 2009 at the Teton County Courthouse in Choteau, Montana, I was married to Regina Lasko. Regina and I began dating in February of 1986, and I said, ‘Well, things are going pretty good, let’s just see what happens in about ten years.' I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I - honestly, whether this happened or not - I secretly felt that men who were married admired me…like I was the last of the real gunslingers, you know what I’m saying? So now, we get ready to go and we’ve got to drive into the courthouse and it’s muddy, and we’re supposed to be there at 2, and it’s me, Regina and Harry in the truck, in the pickup truck…So we get two miles from the house and we get stuck in the mud – I mean, turn the truck over, stuck in the mud. So now we think, ‘Well, somebody will come– no, nobody comes along. Nobody comes along – it’s Thursday afternoon, who’s coming along, Zorro? No, nobody – so I get out of the truck and I walk two miles back to the house into a 50 mile an hour wind. It’s not Beverly Hills, it’s Montana, for God’s sakes. And the whole way, I’m thinking, ‘See, smart ass, see, see, you try to get married, this is what happens. See, well, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. Could have happened any other day, but you wait now, see, this is what you get.’ So then we get in the car and Harry says, ‘Are we still going into town?’ and I said, ‘Yes, we are,’ and he gets very upset because mom had told him if I wasn’t back in an hour, the deal was off.”

That's actually a cute story, but damn! Now I'm getting scared. I better keep my eyes to myself, because getting hitched is in the air. If I look at a bitch too long, I may find myself chained to them legally and that's not my idea of a hot time.

But at least all those celebwhores can stop asking Dave when he's finally going to make Regina an honest woman.

And I get the vibe from Regina that she spends Sunday afternoons making shit out of big pieces of wood with Rojo Caliente in Park Slope. That means she's a keeper. It also means I must follow her from now on, because she will lead me to the ginge hotness.

The newest member of the Gold Diggers Club is 32-year-old model Emma Heming who married 54-year-old Bruce Willis last night on the island of Turks and Caicos in the Caribbean. Look at Emma! She's so fucking excited about all the cash she's going to roll around in that she can barely open her damn eyes! Bitch is getting shit done. She might look like she's an overgrown fetus, but she knows how to do business. And now the old billy goat has a shiny toy to show around!

This is Bruce's second marriage and you better believe it won't be his last. Trust this.

UsWeekly says guests included Bruce's ex-wife Demi Moore, her child Ashton Kutcher, Tater Head and the other Willis fuglets.

I'm sure Ashton is creaming douche jelly over this, because he finally has some company at the children's table at Thanksgiving dinner!

Mandy Moore and Fleabag McGreasy jumped on the shot gun bullet train and road it all the way to the alter in Savannah, GA on Tuesday. Their talking bitch confirmed this all to UsWeekly. Mandy and Ryan barely announced their engagement last month.

Try not to swallow your tongue when Mandy pops out a baby hipster in a few months. A little baby hipster who is really moody-like, is allergic to shampoo and will tell you they have no money when the bill for their two beers arrive (you know who you are).

I really, really hope Mandy's vows were the lyrics to Candy. That is some good shit.

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady became dick bag and wife in Los Angeles today. They married in a Catholic ceremony! My abuelita would clutch her rosary and pass out at this news! She didn't think any celebwhores should get married by the Catholic church, because they get divorced after their first hour of marriage. Dark-sided! If she knew the ho shit I did around a Catholic church, she would probably try exorcise the devil out of me. The devil ain't going nowhere. Bitch owns prime real estate in my body.

Anyway, back to those two pieces of boiled broccoli. Gis and Tom started dating in 2006. They reportedly got engaged on Christmas eve, but Gis denied it. Well, Gis is a major lie-teller now.

UsWeekly says that 28-year-old Gis wore an ivory Dolce & Gabba--- Oh, who gives a horse's floppy dick what that bitch wore! Tom should have worn a giant S over his forehead because he's a slutbag (and not in a hot way) for cheating on knocked up Bridget Moynahan with Gis. You know, I bet Gis has got a baby in there and that's why they got married. Gis better not get too attached to her new husband, because around her 6th month, homeboy is going to catch the next whore train out of there.

Victoria's Secret model and the "world's most voluptuous virgin" (by GQ), Adriana Lima, eloped with NBA player Marko Jaric on Valentine's Day in Jackson Hole (heh), Wyoming. Adriana and Marko have NOT been sexing it up with each other since 2006.

Adriana claimed last year or so that she was still a virgin, but this chick dated Lenny Kravitz. Even if he didn't stick it in, Lenny can melt cherries just by touch. So if she even hugged Lenny, the ho ain't a virgin anymore. This is a scientific fact. There was a special on the Discovery Channel about it or something.

Adriana announced the news on her MySpace and also addressed the rumors that she might be knocked up:

By this point, some people know about my big news! Yes, I like to keep my life personal but I did become married on Valentine Day to the love of my life. I am SO happy inside and I want to spread my love!

The marriage was very small and not most friends and family could attend because it was a quick decision. Luckily, we will be having another wedding this summer that will be a bigger event!

We have not decided where it will be because my family is in Brasil and Marko is from Serbia. It will be great no matter where!

And finally, there are rumors of me pregnant. I just cannot say.. YET!

Happy on the inside and wants to spread her love? SLUT! Bitch is totally knocked up. I don't blame her ass. Look at that hot piece. Yes, ole boy is a little crossy in the eyeball area, but he looks like he has prime long peen. That's what my peendar says anyway. The only problem is that he probably has trouble finding the hole, because his wonk eyes keep directing him in different directions. One eye tells him to go east and the other tells him to go west. If Adriana stays on top that shit is probably good.

Jade Goody married Jack Tweed this morning in Essex, England. Her publicist said it was a ceremony filled with tears, smiles and laughter. I wonder if it was a ceremony filled with booze, because I would've needed plenty of the hard stuff to get through it.

You may or may not be familiar with the tale of Jade Goody. For those of you that aren't, let me just bust out the story for you really quick. So....27-year-old Jade became an overnight reality star in the UK when she was on Big Brother in 2002. After she left BB, she got her own reality show and also put out a line of products and shit. In 2007, she starred in Celebrity Big Brother with her boyfriend Jack Tweedy. The caca hit the ceiling fan when Jade made some racist remarks towards housemate Shilpa Shetty. Jade later apologized and said she was disgusted with herself. A year later, Jade went on the Indian version of Big Brother called Bigg Boss. Two days into shooting, Jade learned she had Cervical Cancer while on the phone with her doctors. The whole thing was on camera, but it never aired. Jade immediately quit the show and flew back home for treatment. Earlier this month, Jade's publicist said her cancer had spread and doctors told her she only had a few weeks to a few months to live. And here we are now....

Jade decided that she wanted to get married right away and also document the last days of her life on a reality TV show. She also sold the rights to their wedding photos to OK! Magazine of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Jade said she made that decision because she needs to make as much money as possible for her two young sons before she goes away. It might not make sense to everyone, but it makes sense to me. This is Jade's job. This is how she makes money. And instead of letting the sads completely take over, she's doing what she's got to do for her kid's futures.

Here's some pictures of Jade outside her home yesterday getting ready for the big day with her bridesmaids.

Yeah, Francois-Henri Pinault is looking at us like "Those world-saving chichis are all mine!" And that's because Francois married those tittays o' plenty on Valentine's Day in Paris! You know, he slipped up and said, "I Francois, take you beautiful chichis...." I mean, we all would.

Le Point (via People) says Francois and Salma Hayek became husband and chichis at the City Hall of the Sixth Arrondissement in Paris. The Mayor confirmed that shit.

Francois started titty fucking Salma back in 2007. They got engaged in March 2007, popped out their baby Valentina in September 2007 and then called off their engagement in July of 2008. They got back together this past September.

Francois uses Gucci bags to wipe his asshole, basically. He's the CEO of PPR who owns Gucci and other luxury brands. Last year, Forbes estimated his worth at $16.9 billion. It's good to know that Francois will have the money to replace his nose when it falls off from over-motorboating Salma's magical titty balls.

I didn't think it was possible for me to adore Salma Hayek anymore than I already do!! When she's not busy saving the world with her wonder leche, she's digging for gold! I doubt there's a pre-nup involved. Francois asked her to sign one, but she jiggled her bitties a bit which hypnotized him to forget all about that stupid document! In a quick minute, Salma will have all the cash she needs to buy the Isle of Lesbos for Penny Cruz. They will rename it the Isle of Chichis, naturally. That's my idea of heaven.

Remember Lisa Loeb? Her voice was most likely a major part of your life in 1994, because that "Stay" song fucking stayed in your head for the entire year. You couldn't escape it!

After the virus known as Stay terrorized the world, Lisa moved on to some other music shit, but that didn't really pan out, because she ended up doing that reality show on E! a few years ago. The show followed her ass around as she tried to land a man! Well, bitch's search has ended.

Lisa married Roey Hershkovitz, the music supervisor for Late Night with Conan O'Brien, yesterday in NYC. The two started officially boning two years ago. They got engaged this past November.

People has all the amazing and totally interesting wedding details like what kind of flowers she fucking carried and what they pigged out on. Fascinating.

Besides the Stay shit, I can't say a bad thing about Lisa. That's why I need to slap my eyeballs for the porny thoughts that enter my head when I think about her. I can't fucking help it, but whenever I see a picture of her, I automatically think of (NSFW, obviously) CumCoveredGlasses.Net. I think that's the real reason glasses were invented.

And guttertrashmind is a serious illness. Thankfully, there's no cure!

I'm pretty sure UsWeekly screwed up that quote from Fuggie Fug. What she really said is, "I held back the crotch tears." Obviously, she did a bad job and that's why she had to pose with her ass to the camera. Hiding the piss stains!

But seriously, Josh looks like he's posing in a JcPenney catalog and Fuggie's dress looks like it came out of one. That's the kind of tight shit you wear to the prom when you don't want to want to give up the panty. True story. One of my slutty friends in high school bought the tightest and longest prom dress she could find because she said she didn't want to be tempted to fuck her boyfriend in the bathroom. If she wore a skin-tight dress it would be too much work. She did it anyway in the parking lot.

Image VIA Cover Awards

First there was the amazingly elegant Waffle House wedding from last year and now we have the almost equally as hot Taco Bell wedding from this past weekend. Why don't I ever get invited to classy affair like these?

Paul and Caragh Brooks decided they should get married at a Taco Bell in Normal, Illinois because their relationship has always been kind of weird and they like spending time there. They met on a dating website while Caragh was living in Australia. And she doesn't even have to change her last name, because she's always been a Brooks.

The Taco Bell didn't even close for a couple of hours while the wedding was going on. So while they were exchanging vows about love and shit, customers were ordering Nachos Bellgrandes and Enchiritos. It's actually kind of fitting.

The bride wore a hot pink $15 dress. They decorated the joint with balloons and streamers. The employees wore hot sauce packets with the words "Will You Marry Me?" on them. The whole wedding cost around $200.

This shit still sounds way more luxurious and decadent than any Spears wedding.

At least I know exactly what I would order at the reception: a Mexican pizza, a pintos n' cheese and a chalupa supreme. I hope Tums hosted the fucking after party. Instead of throwing rice, the guests threw farts. And I'm sure Paul not only ate a taco at the reception, but also ate one later in their marital bed at the nearest Super 8. With extra hot sauce of course.

Below is a video of this shit. You know Caragh is thinking, "I don't give a fuck if we married in a truck stop bathroom as long I don't have to work anymore!"

Thanks Kath