Weddings

After slurping on each other's no-nos for five long years, Jessica Biel finally decided to make an honest bitch out of Justin Timberlake by marrying him in Italy today. Seconds after Jessica and Justin exchanged vows (his vows being the lyrics to "This I Promise You," obviously) and she promised love and cherish him through thick hair, thin curly, curly hair, corn row hair, relaxed hair and ramen hair, they gave this statement to People:

"It's great to be married, the ceremony was beautiful and it was so special to be surrounded by our family and friends."

Since Jessica and Justin sold all the EXCLUSIVO details of their wedding to People, they kept everything a secret from their guests until the last minute. Gossip Cop says that no children were allowed and guests had to go for the whole week or not at all. Bossy bitches, that Justin and Jessica. All of their guests were given specific instructions: each guest had to fly to Frankfurt, Germany and from there they were all put on a private jet to Naples. From Naples, they were shuttled to the town of Puglia. I heard that guests were blindfolded and their phones were taken away, so some of them got into the wrong car and are now working as sex slaves for the Italian mafia, but that's what they get for not following instructions!

I know, all that work just to go to Justin and Jessica's stupid ass wedding. That's like clenching and releasing your butt cheeks for twenty minutes straight to try to push gas out, and then you let out the wimpiest silent fart ever. Let down.

And the only way Justin and Jessica's wedding wasn't a let down is if they paid tribute to his true love Brit Brit by wearing the most iconic and sophisticated denim outfits of all time.

In case sepia filters haven't completely humped your last nerve raw, here's a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross' weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram'd. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I've ever seen.

Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David's hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn't already boho enough.

And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!

I used to think that the chick from Joan of Arcadia (better known as the daughter of Riff from West Side Fucking Story) and Tobias from Arrested Development were about as random as Dionne from Clueless endorsing Mitt Romney or Nancy Reagan getting into a staring contest with a goose made out of Jell-O. But then when Amber Tamblyn trolled the hell out of Tyrese, they suddenly made sense to me. They're that couple who always makes your eyes roll into the next table when they make inside jokes during dinner and I bet when Amber gives David Cross the mustache during oral love, he puts his glasses on and starts talking like Ned Flanders. THAT couple.

Well, People says last night, THAT couple promised to love, cherish and always make Ned Flanders voices during coochie eating. 29-year-old Amber Tamblyn married 48-year-old David Cross after being together for around 3 years. This is both of their first times at trying to tame the rabid bitch that is marriage. Yo La Tengo played at their wedding and director Lance Bangs (that's a hot name) Instagram'd this picture of Amber snorting up David's neck sweat while they slow danced in front of a stage decorated with a duvet cover.

People basically has zero details in case you cared about details, but I think the only thing any of us should care about is whether or not David Cross wore cut-offs. Oh, and whether or not he snorted a drop of the bad shit under Amber's dress during the ceremony.

Anne Hathaway got married yesterday to that jewelry designer/actor dude she got with right after her con artist ex-boyfriend got busted by the feds, and judging by these blurry pictures, it sorts of looks like they exchanged vows in the middle of the same cornfield where mobsters torture their enemies in movies. But 29-year-old Anne and 31-year-old Adam Shulman didn't get married in the middle of a corn field/mob cemetery, they got married right before sunset at a private estate in Big Sur, CA. I see you, Anne, trying to get yourself some Oscar luck by getting married in the same town Natalie Portman's ass got married in. Well, but at least Anne served CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.

People says that over 100 guests watched as Adam and Anne bumped teefs during their first marital kiss after becoming husband and wife next to a barn on a fancy private estate. Some source says that Anne wore a custom-made gown by Valentino, but that source is spitting lies, because you know that's one of her old costumes from The Princess Diaries 2. One of the wedding vendors, who obviously has zero shits to give over signing a confidentiality agreement, tells Celebuzz that they think Anne and Adam's wedding cost around $1 million and the flowers alone were $100,000.

Now that the boring stuff is out of the way, what in shower headband hell is attacking her head? Did Anne have brain surgery right before the wedding? Did she somehow come up with the idea that head trauma victim bride is SO the look this season? If Anne took off her dress and put on a stained Garfield shirt, holey sweats and Chinese house slippers, she'd look like my cousin going to the refrigerator to pour herself a morning cup of Fresca. That is some sleeping head wrap glamour right there.

All the way back in June, when the ginger unicorns were still secreting drops of red hot happiness from their nipples over the gayelle wedding of the century, Rosie O'Donnell and her fianceé Michelle Rounds quietly got married in NYC. Rosie O and Michelle were supposed to tie the klit (I really meant to type "knot," but klit came out and so I'm keeping it) this month, but they decided to speed shit up when Michelle was diagnosed with desmoid tumors and had to get surgery. On June 9th, 5 days before Michelle went under, Rosie O'Donnell became a wife for the very first second time.

In related news, Jennifer Love Hewitt just ran to the nearest Baskin Robbins, jumped over the counter and shoved her head into a huge tub of Snickers ice cream. After that, JLove will vajazzle the letters FML on her crotch, because Rosie can get a wife, but bitch can't get a husband.

Of course, Rosie announced the news by writing a messed up haiku-ish poem on her site:

my wife michelle
was diagnosed with desmoid tumors in june
a mysterious rare – too often fatal disease
that affects 3 in a million people

we were to wed 10 days ago
but her illness forced us to postpone the wedding
luckily -
as i was in ICU that day
when it rains …
things grow
like love and flowers
humans too

so on we go
we married in private
before her surgery
just the 2 of us

when we r both well enough
will have the wedding of r dreams
surrounded by those we cherish
thankful for the love and support
so many have given us
during these trying times

If Rosie recited one of her "poems" during the ceremony, then either Michelle really is in love with her, she's a truly dedicated gold digger or she's willing to overlook that shit, because Rosie eats punane like it's made of cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster.

Congratulations to Rosie and Michelle! First, Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, and now Rosie O'Donnell and Michelle Rounds? Two power lesbian weddings in one year and it's only August, so there's room for many more. And yes, that's me elbowing Oprah and Gayle.

Lainey at Lainey Gossip said yesterday that some of the French tabloids were saying that there's some party planning activity shit going down at Brad Pitt and Angie Jo's child army compound in France and they believe that on either August 11th or August 12th, Jesus will fall from the heavens to catch Angie's black garter as she kicks it off her fame whoring leg during her wedding  reception. And now The Sun is co-signing the French tabloids' claims by saying that Brad Pitt flew in a few days ago and that Angie's private jeweler is there right now.

Brad is apparently throwing his parents, Jane and Bill Pitt, a party to celebrate the 50th anniversary of their God-approving heterosexual marriage, but some say that he and Angie are going to hijack that shit and make it ALL ABOUT THEM by getting married. One of The Sun's source says that right now, the party's guest list is really small and they speculate that Brad invited George Clooney. The source went on to say this mess of words:

“George and Brad are best pals, there’s no way he’d miss it. He’s at his house in Italy, but could fly to Marseille in an hour. There’s a real buzz around the estate.”

The source needs to educate themselves, because there's always a "buzz" around that estate since Brad and Angie are always buzzing it from being drunk and stoned all the time. You know, if Brad and Angie officially lie to the gays and lezzies by getting married on Saturday or Sunday night, we'll only know for sure when the clouds open up, the sky goes bright and the sun comes out so that God can clearly see the look on their faces when he slaps the shit out of both of them for interrupting the Olympics.

I see you making a smug "My gold digger mission is complete!" face, Benjamin Millepied.

Natalie Portman and her ballerino piece Benjamin Millepied have been wearing wedding rings for months now even though they weren't married in the legal sense, but they changed all that last night when they said vow stuff to each other under a chuppah (not this Chupa) at somebody's house in Big Sur, CA. UsWeekly says they got married at around 8pm in the dark, but don't ask them for anymore details, because they don't have any right now. Even though no other details are known at this time, we can pretty much assume that Natalie's vows included some quote from a philosopher none of us know and in lieu of gifts the bride and groom asked guests to plant a tree or broaden their minds by buying and reading a book on a subject that is foreign to them. NO JOKE. One of my friends went to a smart people wedding and the bride and groom didn't want gifts, but they did want their guests to read a book and then to tell them about that book at the reception. Fuck that shit. I'm getting you a blender, bitch. This ain't school. I'm just here for the cake.

If I was a guest at Natalie and Benjamin's wedding, I'd be seriously disappointed if he didn't perform his vows through interpretive dance. I'd ask for a refund for the outfit I bought for that occasion. If the groom is a ballet dancer, I would to see some TWIRLS! And no word yet if during the couple's first dance, Natalie Portman did 85% or 5% of her own dancing.

Here's some pictures from June of Natalie, Benjamin and their 1-year-old kid Aleph strolling through Paris.

Seven months after his ex-wife married Jeff Probst, the side ho she cheated with, Mark-Paul Gosselaar  got hitched to his fiancee of one year Catriona McGinn at some winery in California. That's nice and everything, but what I really want to know is if Zack Morris' head got bigger or does his new bride have an abnormally skinny head? Or did drinking too many chocolate blueberry martinis (blergh, I know) last night give me a case of fun house hangover eyes?

People says that Zack and Catriona's (Side note: I approve of any name that sounds like that of a lost She-Ra villain) pre-divorce ceremony took place at the Sunstone winery in Santa Ynez, Calif. The reception was held at The Max where Zack Attack performed Friends Forever before Jesse Spano ruined everything by smashing into the cake during a caffeine pill freakout.

Zack and Catriona and are going to honeymoon in Italy and he said this about their trip: "Trust me, we are going to eat our asses off!" I take back what I said about that pre-divorce ceremony shit, because a couple that rims together, stays together forever.

28-year-old yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas (short for Hilarious Thomas, I hope) became 54-year-old Alec Baldwin's second wife (and his first wife in the eyes of the Catholic GOD) at St. Patrick's Old Cathedral in NYC last night. Guests including Tina Fey, Tina's husband Jeff Richmond, Stephen Baldwin, Billy Baldwin, Robert Kennedy Jr., Soon-Yi, Woody Allen and Mariska Hargitay all watched as Alec promised to love, cherish and try his best to not call his new wife "a wheezy old, thoughtless goat pig" in a rage-filled voicemail (SPOILER ALERT: Alec is going to fail at that last one). Alec and Hilaria got engaged in April after dating for about a year.

People, who will have all the EXCLUSIVO pictures from this blessed gold digger achievement ceremony, says that Hilaria wore a dress by some designer named Amsale, Alec wore Tom Ford and his precious pink unicorn pillow pet served as ring bearer. I can't wait to see the pictures of Alec punching the photographer in the face with globs of wedding cake for looking at him funny through the lens.

You can tell that Alec is SERIOUS about this marriage. Dude got his hair dyed a special shade and everything. I'd like to think that seconds after Alec lifted Hilaria's veil at the altar, their first conversation went something like this. The part of Hilaria will be played by a possessed Whoopi Goldberg and the part of Alec will be played by Orlando's widow:

Congratulations to Alec's colorist for getting it RIGHT!

Running out on your bride when she's standing right in front of you at your wedding is not okay.....unless she's covering your face with a veil of her spit while singing out Xtina's "The Right Man." If you don't want permanent skin creases around your mouth area, hold the bottom part of your face, because your natural instinct will be to cringe through this entire awkward mess of a video. I cringed for everyone involved. I cringed for that crazy bride, who's obviously a theater major, for thinking that Glee is real life. I cringed for that hot lady in the green, because she had to resist the urge to stop that crazy bride's singing by pulling that trick's train real hard. I'm cringing for everyone in the pews for having to control themselves from barfing up huge chunks of laughs. I'm cringing for that dude with the Oakley sunglasses on his head for not knowing that it's never okay to wear Oakley sunglasses on your head indoors (that was more of a cringing side note). And I'm especially cringing for the groom who has to take a face full of his future wife's belting while wishing that he'll suddenly come down with a severe case of explosive diarrhea so he has a reason to run out of there. But your bride making all sorts of constipation faces while singing a song in the aisle IS a good reason to quit that bitch.

What a high school talent show MESS. That groom looks like he wants to fall backwards into a coffin and die, but he's afraid what she'll sing at his memorial.

I wonder which Xtina song she sang after the ceremony when her new husband said he had to get something from the car AND NEVER FUCKING CAME BACK. I'm guessing she went with "Walk Away" or "Beautiful."

And deep down, I really hope this is viral marketing for Oakley.

via CNN (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)