Blake Lively is the daughter Martha Stewart never had (Note: That one who told us that she pisses with the door open doesn't count.) and so, of course, the details of her wedding with Ryan Reynolds in Charleston, SC are in the Winter issue of Martha Stewart Weddins'. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are extremely private non-famewhores and they'd never sell pictures of their intimate moments together, so the only picture of them in the magazine is the Instragrammy one of them holding hands. Shit looks like a newspaper ad for Kay Jewelers.
Blake and Ryan didn't want any pictures of their asses published (because she's saving those for when she needs to pass them out on the ho stroll to extend her relevancy), so the magazine just has pictures of their flowers, decorations and delicious food stuff. Martha and her team of glue gun-holding, frosting bag-wielding slaves created a wedding that looked like a snowballing session between Etsy and Pinterest.
What I'm getting from this is that up-close pictures of S'mores bars and lemon tarts are way more interesting than pictures of Ryan and Blake's married faces. Seems about right!
At last night's 12-12-12 benefit show for Hurricane Sandy relief, Krist Novoselic, Dave Grohl, a crushed velvet shirt and Pat Smear reunited to play a new song with Paul McCartney. I know, tacky whores. Instead of getting Paul McCartney, they should've used a Kurt Cobain hologram. Sadly, they didn't play "Rape Me" and dedicate it to Heather Mills and her lawyers. They sang a new song called "Cut Me Some Slack." Cut some slack is not something that Courtney Love's crazy ass is interested in doing.
TMZ says that Courtney Love took a break from making antique wedding dresses out of used crack foil and opened her yap hole to spill out a stream of hate over Paul McCartney singing with the surviving members of Nirvana. Since the inside of Courtney Love's head is an empty playground of delusion, she thinks she's the voice of Nirvana and wasn't amused that Paul was singing with them. Courtney doesn't like that Dave called it a "Nirvana reunion," because Kurt was the beating heart of the band and without him, Nirvana can never exist again. Courtney didn't like that the idea of Paul singing with Nirvana and thinks John Lennon would've been better.
I'm actually shocked that Courtney Love didn't break into Yoko Ono's apartment, steal John Lennon's ashes (that's if Yoko didn't turned Lennon's ashes into a diamond charm for her labia ring) and then rush the stage at the 12-12-12 concert to spread 'em while Nirvana and Paul McCartney played. That would've been more entertaining than that "Cut Me Some Slack" song. But I am here for that crushed velvet shirt.
Here's a few pictures of the tricks and tramps who overdressed (see: Blake NotSoLively and Katie Holmes) to pose at the 12-12-12 concert in NYC last night. In order: Blake, Chelsea Clinton, Cristal Connors, Jeremy Piven, the robot formerly known as Stepford Katie, Susan Sarandon and Tony Danza.
In case sepia filters haven't completely humped your last nerve raw, here's a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross' weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram'd. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I've ever seen.
Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David's hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn't already boho enough.
And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!
Right before I passed out face first into my pillow last night, I read a mass e-mail from People that said Blake NotSoLively mumbled out wedding vows to talking eight-pack Ryan Reynolds at their wedding at Boone Hall Plantation in Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina on Sunday. Then sometime during the night I had a dream/nightmare about a sex tape starring James Franco and a bunch of Plushies in Pound Puppy costumes. When I woke up this morning, I thought the James Franco getting a beej from Plushies story was real and that I dreamed up Blake and Ryan's wedding, because how is it possible for her to get engaged and married without whoring out every single detail for maximum attention. But she did! Down in the Scientology glory hole dungeon, Tommy Girl is wiping away the tears on a hard dick, because it's always a sad day when a beard temporarily retires from the bearding game.
NYDN says that Blake's friend Florence Welch of Florence + the Machine and Bette Midler both sang songs at the reception in a white tent on the plantation. Blake wore a Chanel gown, Ryan wore Hugo Boss, their $3,000 cake was made by Maryland's Maggie Austin Cakes and they flew in the minister from Connecticut. All 70 of Blake and Ryan's guests had to check in their cell phones at the door. Blake's publicist hasn't confirmed any of this, because she's still in a coma after passing out when Blake said "no" to the question, "So you want to get married at the altar on the ho stroll in front of a thousand paps, right?"
We all found out the answer to the question "What's blander than a piece of boiled cauliflower sitting in a puddle of cold tap water?" about a year ago when Blake and Ryan started humping after meeting while filming The Green Lantern. 25-year-old Blake hasn't been married before, but 35-year-old Ryan was once married to that other blonde mumbler with huge chichis, ScarJo.
And I really hope that halfway through the wedding ceremony, the minister stopped talking, all spotlights focused on the back of the tent and every wedding guest turned their chair around to look at this vision strolling in:
Robyn Lively always finds a way to TOP THAT!
John Travolta probably thought that he was the only legendary QUEEN at last night's Savages premiere in L.A., but nope. John was dethroned the second the red carpet received a glamorous visit from his Saturday Night Fever co-twirler Donna Pescow, known to my fellow children of the late 80s as THE MOM FROM OUT OF THIS WORLD!
If you read the title Out Of This World and are saying "HUH?" the same way John Travolta's peen does when a lady kisses him on the lips, then please go back to 5th grade recess and let the adults talk about a very important television show. Not just any very important television show, but a very important television show about a human woman (played to perfection by Donna Pescow) who sexed on a male alien (voiced to perfect by Burt Reynolds) and gave birth to an alien/human daughter with supernatural powers. Homegirl could stop time by pressing her fingers together! It blew my mind. There's further proof that us people of the 80s were simple and hypnotized by simple concepts. But really, who's not hypnotized by this?
You know, now that I watch that shit again, I'm pretty sure Out Of This World was just Scientology propaganda. I mean, it does look like Suri Cruise: the teenage years. Whatever. I still love it and I love it so much that I'm not going to mention that Donna Pescow's scarf thing looks like it was just used to wipe Ronald McDonald's ass. Donna is serving up some ketchup mustard realness and I don't mean that in a good way.
Here's a few other tricks and tramps from last night's premiere: Donna, Blake NotSoLively (thinking she's Kim Basinger in L.A. Confidential and shit), Benicio Del Toro, Mary-Louise Parker, Salma Hayek and Taylor Kitsch.
When you've got the personality of McDonald's cow butt paste (RIP!) like Blake Lively does, you have to reach deep to pull out some interesting shit that won't' make the interviewer fall into an open-eyed coma. Blake went there during an interview with Elle Magazine and told them a million fascinating facts about herself like how many peens her vagina has sucked on and how she hopes to birth out a girl or a trans baby one day. That slight tingle in your brain is a "The More You Know" star shooting through the inside of your head:
On how her Fuck Club punch card only has four holes in it: “I’ve had four boyfriends in my whole life. I’ve never been with anyone that’s not a boyfriend. If I spend time with a man, it’s because there’s somebody that I know well who has been a friend for a while.“
On how she hopes to have a daughter or a son-to-daughter one day: “I hope to have a few girls one day. If not girls, they better be trannies. Because I have some amazing shoes and bags and stories that need to be appreciated.”
Yesterday GOOPY Paltrow said she thought Apple would be a butch lez and today Blake Lively is saying that she hopes she has a tranny. Tomorrow, Katherine Heigl is going to top all of those blonde bitches by saying, "Oh yeah, oh yeah, well I'm going to adopt a female-to-male tranny bull dyke! TOP THAT!"
Blake did use the word "trannies" and that's going to get her at least one open letter from GLADD, so that stretches this interview's 15 seconds of fame. Slow clap for you, girl.
And I know we should use this time together to figure out the four boyfriends Blake is talking about (SPOILER ALERT: Ryan Gosling, Ryan Reynolds, Penn Badgleywhatever and who ever she had to fuck to get that short-term relationship contract with Leonardo DiCaprio), but instead I'm going to talk about what Elle did to her ass in these pictures. Who at Elle thought this shit looked sexy? Look at that picture above. Blake looks cold and hot at the same time. I can't really explain it, but that picture reminds me of when they pulled Baby Jessica out of the well. Baby Jessica was wet, confused, uncomfortable, scared and you didn't know whether she wanted a blanket or a fan. So I guess Elle was going for "sexy Baby Jessica." Just....WRONG.
Rooney Mara, seen on the right looking like Alfalfa after eating a whole bunch of pomegranate seeds, has taken the lead role in Steven Soderbergh's new movie after the bag of mumbles with blonde hair we call Blake Lively was dropped. In Side Effects, Rooney will play a pill-popping mess who goes crazy while waiting for her husband to get out of the clink. Carol O'Neal (government name: Channing Tatum) will play her husband and this shit also stars Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jude Law. It starts shooting sometime in April.
IndieWire reported last week that one of the movie's main investors pulled all their cash out after Steven Soderbergh cast Blake NotSoLively in the lead role, because they weren't exactly impressed with the highly-trained thespian skills she lays down in the PBS' masterpiece drama series Gossip Girl. Since Blake was with the movie's money, Steven Soderbergh dropped her and picked up an Oscar nominee instead.
If anybody can play a sedated, fucked up mess, it's not Blake, but she wouldn't be that bad at it since she naturally carries herself like a permanently confused inbred kitten who treats the concussion it suffers from with NyQuil and generic Valium. But Blake getting dumped isn't the funniest thing about this. I mean, investors pulled their money out over Blake, but yet they were okay with Channing Tatum? Or should I call him, Sir Channing Tatum, since he's obviously going to get knighted for his contribution to the art of making water damaged cardboard seem interesting. It has to burn a ho's ass lips off knowing that she got fired for being a shit actor, but Channing Tatum doesn't.
Anyway, here's Blake's replacement Rooney Mara wearing a garden of angel labias with David Fincher at the Tokyo premiere of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Here I was thinking that Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively would last about as long as a quick fuck on a Toronto subway platform, but she was seen taking his dog Baxter for a walk in NYC the other day by herself. You know shit is seven layers of serious when you let a trick take care of your dog unsupervised. Or maybe Blake's publicist dognapped Baxter for this photo-op. That's a possibility, because Baxter is making a look that's a cross between "Who dis bitch?" and "Is he really making me shit in front of another one of his bland tricks?" That last part reminds me of some shit...
One of my friends had the same dog through three of her sort-of serious relationships and when she moved in with the third dude, her mom seriously said to her, "Don't you think you're going to confuse the dog by shacking up with all these men?" That was a polite way of saying, you a ho. I mean, I'm sure that dog would stare at her while thinking to himself "You disgust me, you slut!" instead of thinking "Give me that bacon." Most dogs don't give a cat shit if you're a huge skank whore or if you're a spinster prude with a vagina that hums out the melody to "Mr. Lonely" in the middle of the night. They will like your ass as long as you feed them, give them attention, don't blame your farts on them and don't make them go out in public wearing the groom suit you make them wear during fake wedding playtime. That being said, my friend's dog totally judged her for being a big skank whore slut.
And I really hope Baxter dropped a wet shit in at least one of Blake's shoes. That's what she gets for using his ass for publicity.
The bland bitch battlefield is lukewarming up! ScarJo told Cosmo in their latest issue that marrying Ryan Reynolds was the best thing she's ever done in her entire life, but they barely spent time together and moving on was the right thing to do. Blah, blah, blah, burp, blah, blah, blah. But some source tells UsWeekly that ScarJo hasn't moved on and is a member of the "I Don't Want To Fuck Him, But I Don't Want Any Other Trick To Fuck Him Either" club. Apparently, ScarJo is not happy that Blake Lively is screwing on her leftovers and now she's having doubts about leaving him. The source put it like this:
"Scarlett is pissed that he's not under her spell anymore. She realized what a great catch Ryan was."
The source went on to say that Ryan would've reunited with ScarJo, but she ruined things forever when she tainted her parts with Sean Penn's prune dick.
So what to believe? The words that came out of ScarJo's mouth to a magazine or the words from a question mark to a weekly tabloid? Or do you not want to waste any of your "give a fuck" rations on this. Yeah, the third option is the winner. Don't get me wrong, I roll out of bed in the morning for a good catfight, but this is not one of those. Sucking off a snowman would be more exciting than witnessing these two fight. Watching ScarBore and Blake NotSoLively fight over Ryan Reynolds would be like watching a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower. And yes, I've seen a rutabaga and a piece of jicama fight over cauliflower thanks to a few bong hits. (SPOILER ALERT: the rutabaga always wins)
If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin's bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma's kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl's 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there's no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there's Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.
My favorite part is how Blake's actually doing the "hand on hip, sway back" pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP's rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain't doing the pose, the pose is doing you.
And here's a few other messes from last night's party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.