Weddings

Earlier when I wrote about Sugar Bear and Mama June's Cinco de Mayonnaise wedding, I said that she would make the most beautimous bride the world has ever seen and she would redefine bridal elegance. I wasn't telling any lies. Looking like she's ready to hide in the forest and tackle an unsuspecting wild hog, Mama June walked down the aisle in her backyard today wearing a gorgeous gown custom made by Cabela's hunting store and bedazzled sneakers. Even Mama June's stack of pancakes chins look like they're glowing. She must've moisturized them with melted Country Crock. It's her beauty secret.

Mama June married her piece of 9 years Sugar Bear in front of TLC's cameras, the paparazzi and their friends and family in George today. Honey Boo Boo, Chickadee, Chubbs and Pumpkin were all in the wedding party, which looked like Halloween hitting candies wrapped in camouflage out of a piñata.

This is a redneck dream wedding and you can practically see the hillbilly angels blessing this beloved event with holy moonshine. I'll be disappointed if Mama June and Sugar Bear's guests didn't throw uncooked grits at them and I'll be really disappointed if they didn't skip the first dance and wrestle a possum together instead.

The makers of Mountain Dew fountains, flute-shaped Red Solo cups and pork rind-flavored edible garter belts were all out of jobs when Brit Brit canceled her wedding to Jason Trainwreck, but happy days are here again, because Mama June has come to the rescue!

TMZ says America's answer to Kate Middleton, Mama June, will marry her man Sugar Bear today in front of TLC's cameras. Guests were told to leave their cell phones and video cameras at home and the workers were told to do themselves up in their best redneck ensemble.

Sugar Bear and Mama June first met in an online chat room (I'm guessing the butter lovers room) 9 years ago and out came Honey Boo Boo a couple of years later.

Mama June's something old will be the cheese ball necklace passed down from generation to generation. Her something new will be the fresh fart she'll bust out at the altar during their I dos. Her something borrowed will be Glitzy's tiara. And her something blue will be her Forklift Foot when it really loses its circulation after she shoves it into a bridal heel. What I'm saying is that Mama June is going to be the most beautimous bride of the year (sorry, Kee-ERA!) And we'll all swoon out of our chonies when Sugar Bear kisses his new bride's luscious layer of chins, because he's too short to reach her mouth.

Fill your flute-shaped Red Solo cup with sketti sauce and let's toast to Mama June and Sugar Bear!

No, this is not a picture ripped from a J. Crew Weddings catalog. This is Keira Knightley posing like she's in the middle of a Teen Vogue photo shoot while leaving the town hall in Mazan, France after marrying James Righton of the Klaxons. KK put on a Chanel dress and a Chanel jacket to marry James in front of 11 friends and family before getting into a dusty Clio. For some reason, the top of KK's dress reminds me of that scene in Boys Don't Cry when Brandon Teena binds his chichis down.

The Daily Mail says that after KK and her dude got married they went to a Mexican-themed lunch reception hosted by her mom (pictures below). Later tonight, KK, Mr. KK and 50 guests including Sienna Miller and Kunty Karl will party at another reception at a chateau in Mazan.

The Daily Mail called this shit a low-key and simple wedding, and I guess compared to other celebrity weddings this is low-key and simple. But compared to all of the weddings I've been to, this is the opposite of simple. What in the hell is simple about flying everybody to France, wearing Chanel and drinking top shelf champagne with Kunty Karl under a tent on the grounds of some luxurious ass chateau?! Simple is getting married at the court house and having your reception in the barbecue area of the nearest park with catering provided by the El Pollo Loco drive-thru and cocktails provided by the booze aisle at Costco. My cousins know what I'm talking about.

You'd think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat's ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat's ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, "I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla's nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?"

People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who's also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG's daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis' daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride's family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they'll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla's punchable face every time they go to a family party.

Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it's only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let's all take this to remember VG's skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here's some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!

The second time Janet Jackson got married, she kept it a secret from the public until she signed the divorce papers 9 years later. Janet got married for a third time last year and she once again did it hush-style. Janet married Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana a while ago and she's just now telling people about it, because I guess there was a story going around that said her wedding was some kind of lavish spectacle. Janet and Wissam released a statement to ET saying that their wedding wasn't lavish, it was small and private.

"The rumours regarding an extravagant wedding are simply not true. Last year we were married in a quiet, private, and beautiful ceremony. Our wedding gifts to one another were contributions to our respective favourite children’s charities. We would appreciate that our privacy is respected and that we are allowed this time for celebration and joy. With love, Wissam and Janet"

I totally get that Janet is putting a PRIVACY PLEASE sign on her door, but does she really need to do that when nobody was planning to knock on her door anyway? Whatever, I totally know why Janet keeps getting married in secret. She doesn't want her crazy family to find out. If she told everyone she was getting married, Joe Jackson would find out and crash that shit. He'd show up, eat all the food, yell at all the kids and try to get Wissam to invest in his latest shady business venture.

Janet doesn't want La Toya Jackson there, because she wants to be the most beautiful Jackson at her own wedding. It's kind of hard to get married when all your guests keep worshiping at the feet of the most gorgeous Jackson, La Toya. So I get it.

And this has to be the upgrade of all upgrades. Janet went from Troll Dupri to a hot, young billionaire. And Wissam is also lucky, because he gets to motorboat the titties on Janet's face every single night.

Here I was thinking that Jim Nabors announced his undying love for peen on a "SHAZAM! I'M GAY!" cover of People Magazine in the 1970s, but I guess I was wrong. I guess Gomer Pyle never publicly slid down the rainbow while proudly waving a rainbow flag, but he is now. Gomer Pyle (which sorts of sounds like the name of a sex act you'd get into at a massive gay orgy) has married the man he's been with for longer than some of us have been breathing air. Jim Nabors told Hawaii News Now (via Towleroad) that he married his partner of 38 years, Stan Cadwallader, on January 15th at the Fairmont Olympic Hotel in Seattle.

"I'm 82 and he's in his 60s and so we've been together for 38 years and I'm not ashamed of people knowing, it's just that it was such a personal thing, I didn't tell anybody. I'm very happy that I've had a partner of 38 years and I feel very blessed. And, what can I tell you, I'm just very happy.

"It's pretty obvious that we had no rights as a couple, yet when you've been together 38 years, I think something's got to happen there, you've got to solidify something. And at my age, it's probably the best thing to do."

Jim and Stan met in Honolulu in 1975 and they've been there ever since. I would say that this is Jim Nabors' second marriage, but apparently that rumor that he married Rock Hudson in the early 70s is a lie and he's denied it a million times.

Congratulations to Mr. and Mr. Gomer Pyle and congratulations to all the bitches at their wedding who shouted "Well, GAAAAWWWWW-LEEEEE" after the grooms kissed. I'm going to choose to believe that at the reception, Jim Nabors serenaded his new husband with his stunning rendition of "Take My Hand, Precious Lord" and I'm going to choose to believe that he changed the lyrics from "take my hand, precious lord" to "take my peen, precious lovah."

Paul McCartney always keeps bodyguards armed with bags of termites near him just in case Heather Mills shows up to attack his ass and since he was a guest at Ronnie Wood's wedding yesterday, she wasn't there to congratulate the bride on a gold digging job well done. Ronnie's bride will get her gold digger certificate of excellence from Heather Mills in the mail.

65-year-old Ronnie Wood became somebody's husband for the third time yesterday when he married his 34-year-old theater producer girlfriend Sally Humphreys at the Dorchester Hotel in London. Ronnie's best man was Rod Stewart, who looked like he was trying hard to hold the barfs in while walking through a wind tunnel, and Paul McCartney was also there. Ronnie's bandmates Mick Jagger and Keith Richards weren't there, because I'm sure they went to one of his other weddings and when you've been to one Ronnie Wood wedding, you've been to them all. Besides, even though some of them are sober (I think), when they get together in the same room, scared bitches start stocking up on booze thinking a shortage is coming.

When Ronnie left his reception last night, he said this to The Sun's reporter:

"I'm feeling great. It was excellent, so great. Brilliant.”

I know, you just had to read those words. They are really important.

You're probably thinking that Ronnie's latest marriage is going to last about as long as a sex fart, but I have a feeling it's going to last a little bit longer than that. Sally sort of looks Snow White-ish and Ronnie looks like a Magic Troll doll who chopped off all his hair, moved to the enchanted forest and became the leader of the woodland creatures. Snow White loves creatures of the enchanted forest, so they're perfect for each other!

Blake Lively is the daughter Martha Stewart never had (Note: That one who told us that she pisses with the door open doesn't count.) and so, of course, the details of her wedding with Ryan Reynolds in Charleston, SC are in the Winter issue of Martha Stewart Weddins'. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds are extremely private non-famewhores and they'd never sell pictures of their intimate moments together, so the only picture of them in the magazine is the Instragrammy one of them holding hands. Shit looks like a newspaper ad for Kay Jewelers.

Blake and Ryan didn't want any pictures of their asses published (because she's saving those for when she needs to pass them out on the ho stroll to extend her relevancy), so the magazine just has pictures of their flowers, decorations and delicious food stuff. Martha and her team of glue gun-holding, frosting bag-wielding slaves created a wedding that looked like a snowballing session between Etsy and Pinterest.

What I'm getting from this is that up-close pictures of S'mores bars and lemon tarts are way more interesting than pictures of Ryan and Blake's married faces. Seems about right!

After reading about the tragic death of Hostess, I just knew this was going to happen next. How can Brit Brit have a third wedding if Hostess isn't around to make her a four-tier gourmet wedding cake? The words "I do" won't mean a thing if Brit Brit's breath doesn't smell like Twinkie jizz and Fruit Pie filling while saying it.

Radar says that the court-appointed romance between Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck is almost as dead as her delivery on The X-Factor. Juicy Couture has stopped making a custom-made velour gown and UGGs have stopped bedazzling a pair of fleece bridal flip-flops, because Brit Brit and Jason's December wedding isn't going to happen. Some source says that Brit Brit is tired of Jason acting like he's her master even though there's a legal document on file that says he is. The source said this:

"Britney and Jason had planned to get married at the end of December, but they have been fighting non-stop so the wedding has now been called off. They are telling their friends it's being postponed, but they will probably never make it down the aisle. Britney doesn't think Jason is any fun and resents him because he acts more like a second father than a romantic partner, or equal. Britney and Jason have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a very long time. She has been staying in a hotel during the week because of the live X Factor shows, and although Jason stays at the same hotel, he is in a room adjacent to hers. Jason feels like he is Britney's babysitter and it's pretty much just a business arrangement at this point. Jason does love Britney and the boys, but he just can't see himself spending the rest of his life with her.

Britney's parents are absolutely devastated that the wedding has been called off. Lynne is very close to Jason and views him as one of her children. Meanwhile, Jamie feels that Jason shouldn't have proposed to Britney if his heart wasn't in it, and feels a little betrayed. It doesn't help matters that both Jamie and Jason are co-conservators of Britney. The whole situation is just sad for everyone."

So let's see, Brit Brit and Sam MerLESS don't sleep in the same bed, have frowns on their faces when they're together and she can't change her tampon over the toilet without him peeking his head in to make sure she's not offing herself or anything. They're already acting like an average married couple, so they shouldn't even bother with that ceremony shit. And Piggly Wiggly shouldn't feel sad about losing a catering job, because Miley Cyrus is still getting married soon.

And here's the Louisiana trailer park flower going shopping without parental supervision in Beverly Hills yesterday. I'm not dry heaving over those UGGette boots on her feet, because I'm too busy staring at those giant bleached footprints on her jeans.

It seems like it was five seconds ago when Evan Rachel Wood was making all of our body pores barf out liquid ewww by trying to becoming Dita Von Teese 2.0 while boning Marilyn Manson, and it was really only ten seconds ago when Jamie Bell was twirling and jete-ing as Billy Elliot. Now they're both all grown up and marrying each other! "Hello, OLD AGE, yeah, it's me, Michael K. So Billy Elliot just got married. Yeah, that means I'm coming to visit you any minute now. The key's under the mat? Great."

Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell apparently got engaged to each other last December and her rep tells UsWeekly that she became Mrs. Billy Elliot in California yesterday. Evan wore a dress by Carolina Herrera and Billy Elliot wore a leotard tuxedo with ballet slippers. They promised to love, cherish and not viciously murder look-alikes of each other in a music video. Evan and Billy Elliot started bumping nipples in 2006 after shooting a Green Day video together. Then they broke up in 2007 and  got back together last year.

Only celebrities and bitches who want to save money on their wedding reception venue get married on a weekday. These bitches got married on a damn Tuesday. The easiest way to piss off one of my relatives is to get married or throw a party on a day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. They'll have a stank look on their face the entire night and won't congratulate your inconsiderate ass. They'll be too busy being mad at the fact that they can't get to the final level of drunk on free beer, because they have to work in the morning.