Plastic Surgery

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

When Bruce Jenner got a facelift 25 years ago, he went from looking like a semi-hot-piece to looking like a Kraft single after being microwaved too long. Bruce blames it on a janky partial facelift and a nose job, so he decided to go back under the knife and fix his face. Bruce's third face will be revealed on that Kardashian shit show this Sunday.

Kim Kardassian blogged about it, "Twenty five years ago, Bruce was ill-advised by a doctor to have a partial facelift and a nose job. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what Bruce had hoped for and for years since then he has been the victim of cruel taunts from the media. Since he's turning 60 in October, Bruce felt it was time to correct the mistakes made by the previous doctor so he went to a new doctor for a second facelift . The results are amazing! Bruce looks better than ever and he is extremely happy with the result."

That's what they all say! Just one more surgery and I'll stop. You know Bruce isn't going to stop. In 10 years, his mouth is going to be where his nose is supposed to be and his eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of his neck. Bitch is going to look like Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway. Actually, he already does.

VIA UsWeekly

Victoria Principal's maid, Maribel Banegas, was out walking her master's dog and the beast just wouldn't go caca times. Those of us that have dog friends, have been there. You're waiting for ever for that bitch to drop one and he just won't cooperate. You recite a few lines from GOOP hoping that will move his bowels. When that doesn't work, you sing a few lines of a Heidi Montag song. This is what happened to Maribel. Because Victoria's pooch wouldn't bust a butt nugget, she took longer than normal.

When she got back to Casa De Crazy, Victoria was waiting for her and the insane bitch wasn't happy. Victoria fired Maribel on the spot for taking too long with her dog. When Maribel explained that it was the dog's fault, because it wouldn't take a shit, Victoria disappeared upstairs. When she came back downstairs, she was holding a gun and pointed it at Maribel! That crazy motherfucker still thinks she's in Dallas!

Victoria threatened to kill Maribel and even told another housekeeper to move out of the way so she could shoot her ass! Maribel ran into another room where she locked herself in and called 911. Victoria waited outside of the door the whole time hoping Maribel would come back out so she could shoot her.

Maribel filed a lawsuit alleging assault, false imprisonment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Maribel is suing for cash money.

Please tell me Victoria was wearing a white satin robe with marabou trimming and lucite bed slippers. Also, please tell me she was holding a glass of champagne with the other hand! Glamour!

Who knew Victoria had a house of crazy living up in her head? Methinks she should loosen her face a bit, because all that tightness is making her insane.

And I blame Victoria's dog for this. He knew exactly what he was doing. Maribel probably denied him steak for lunch and this is how he got back at her.

Source: E! Online

SPOILER ALERT!!! The plastic went flying on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Finally, watching hours upon hours of this ridiculousness paid off. It all started in the boardroom when Melissa Rivers accused fellow plastic-face Brande Roderick and "pokah playa" Annie Duke of joining forces just so they could take her down. Donald Trump didn't buy the whines and he fired Melissa. Since Melissa and Joan Rivers' facelift scars are sewn together, Joan also packed up her shit and said she wasn't coming back.

Before they left, Joan unleashed her fury on Brande and Annie. It was amazing. Joan was so fucking mad. I thought her face was going to fly up into the air like pizza dough and stick to the ceiling. Then some poor sap crew member would've had to shuffle into the room, bring out a ladder and climb it so he could pry off Joan's face from the ceiling with a spatula. Meanwhile, Joan would've been running around the room like a lizard without a tail.

The part that made me laugh until my nipples burped was when Joan told Annie, "I met your people in Vegas for 40 years. None of them have last names! You're a pokaaaaaah playaaaa....a pokaaaaaah playa....That's beyond white trash! Pokah plays are trash, darling!" And then Annie responded with, "Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world." What the? Did this conversation happen in a vacuum, because all of them have had the sense sucked out of them. I feel like we need some kind of official debate on this subject. POKAH PLAYAS: Beyond White Trash or Awesome People Of The World?

And thanks to Melissa for introducing me to the insult, "YOU'RE A WHORE PIT VIPER." I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. "YOU'RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!'

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim tittays are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

Here's more of Kelly's rogue breasts with Laird Hamilton, Gabrielle Reece and their kid at an event in NYC last year.

Who knew John and Elizabeth from Nine 1/2 Weeks would both grow up to look like two puss-filled ass warts that really need to be drained. If I was at The Informers premiere in L.A. last night, I would've thought that I accidentally stumbled into a Tupperware party. This much plastic is not fantastic. Seriously, if a He-Man and a Barbie doll were both thrown into a pot of boiling water, this is what it would look like.

They were so fucking hot back in the day and now they just need to be stuck in a corn field to scare the crows off. I shouldn't say that. They can stay, they just shouldn't get too close to each other for their own safety! The chemistry might still be there, so if they rubbed against each other, all would be left is two sad shrinky dinks lying on the ground.

On the left is a perfectly lovely 49-year-old English queen and on the right is a satisfied corpse after Shonna from Family Plots worked her mortician magic on it. The Funeral Fairy of South Carolina would be all over this bitch!

There's really no way of saying this, but Rupert Everett bludgeoned his own face with a WTF stick! Star Magazine got an expert to say Rupert looks 10 years younger. Um...paging Dr. Glatt! I'm going going to need you to stand really still while I stamp a big "WRONG" on your forehead. Rupert doesn't look 10 years younger, but he does look 10 zillion times creeper! Who was his plastic surgeon? Madame Tussaud?

Experiment time! Light a candle, let it melt a bit, blow it out and then quickly stick your thumb on the liquid wax. Let dry for 2 quick seconds, then take a good look at it. Rupert Everett with his eyes closed, right? Yeeeeeeah, that's not what's hot.

By the way, that horrifying screen shot of Rupert is from when he was on The Martha Stewart show a week ago. I'm shocked Martha didn't draw a fleur-de-lis design on his face with a silver marker then stick a wick on top of his head and light him.

Meet 66-year-old Rev. William Blasingame of Staten Island, NY. Rev. Willie faces up to 15 years in the chokey after he broke the 8th Commandment by stealing $85,000 from St. Paul's Memorial Episcopal, the church where he worked.

Rev. Willie used the money on plastic surgery procedures, Botox shots, car insurance, pretty clothes, prescription meds and club memberships. I know it's hard to believe that Rev. Willie's beauty isn't natural. It looks like Jesus himself put his hands on Willie's face. His stunning looks burn my eyes. He has a face only the red light of an underground bath house could love.

Rev. Willie worked at the church for 30 years, but began stealing from the beautification (HA!) fund 4 years ago.

The New York Post says Rev. Willie obviously only used the money to make himself pretty, because his house looks like the inside of Wino's crackhive. One church employee said there was animal shit and liquor bottles everywhere! They had to use 5 dumpsters to empty all the crap in his rectory. And I bet there's a bunch of nasty crap in his rectum too. It had to be said.

Obviously, Rev. Willie doesn't believing in the saying "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." But he does believe in "Plasticness is next to Godliness."

Well, luckily Rev. Willie has that precious face. It will take him very far in prison. And by "very far," I mean face first into a foam mattress.

And is it just me or does Rev. Willie sort of look like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds? I know. I need to go stick my head in a toilet.

They tell me this is JLo in NYC last night, but I am not so sure. The face doesn't fit. JLo must have snuck into Mariska Hargitay's hospital room and stole something that belongs to her...like her fucking face! This is some Law & Order: SYF (Stole Yo Face) shit. Get Det. Stabler on the case!

A couple that butchers their face together, stays together. That's always been my motto and that's why I think Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love make sense as a couple.

The Daily Mirror says that Loki's daddy and crazy's favorite customer have been licking on each other's surgery scars for the past three weeks. A source said, “Mickey texted Courtney totally out of the blue, around the time of the Golden Globes, asking to take her out for the night. They met up in secret and had an awesome evening. Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek."

I bet watching them fuck is like watching a hot dog slowly explode in the microwave.

But I'm sure they understand each other like no on else can. When his face spontaneously falls off the bone, Courtney will know exactly how to put it back on. When Mickey's asshole dries up and dies when Courtney is tossing his salad, they will just laugh it off together. When Mickey's jizz load refuses to come out because it's scared of the fugness, Courtney will understand. All these things have happened to them before, so they already know each other. That's true love.

Just as long as they don't spawn. Don't fucking spawn. If Eric Stolz in Mask still gives you night terrors, then pray to the Baby Jesus for strength, because a Courkey baby will make your stomach jump out of your body, run to the kitchen, grab a knife and poke your eyes out to stop the pain.

Here's Loki's new stepmommy, the Queen of Disaster, trolling around in London lst night.