Plastic Surgery

Who knew John and Elizabeth from Nine 1/2 Weeks would both grow up to look like two puss-filled ass warts that really need to be drained. If I was at The Informers premiere in L.A. last night, I would've thought that I accidentally stumbled into a Tupperware party. This much plastic is not fantastic. Seriously, if a He-Man and a Barbie doll were both thrown into a pot of boiling water, this is what it would look like.

They were so fucking hot back in the day and now they just need to be stuck in a corn field to scare the crows off. I shouldn't say that. They can stay, they just shouldn't get too close to each other for their own safety! The chemistry might still be there, so if they rubbed against each other, all would be left is two sad shrinky dinks lying on the ground.

On the left is a perfectly lovely 49-year-old English queen and on the right is a satisfied corpse after Shonna from Family Plots worked her mortician magic on it. The Funeral Fairy of South Carolina would be all over this bitch!

There's really no way of saying this, but Rupert Everett bludgeoned his own face with a WTF stick! Star Magazine got an expert to say Rupert looks 10 years younger. Um...paging Dr. Glatt! I'm going going to need you to stand really still while I stamp a big "WRONG" on your forehead. Rupert doesn't look 10 years younger, but he does look 10 zillion times creeper! Who was his plastic surgeon? Madame Tussaud?

Experiment time! Light a candle, let it melt a bit, blow it out and then quickly stick your thumb on the liquid wax. Let dry for 2 quick seconds, then take a good look at it. Rupert Everett with his eyes closed, right? Yeeeeeeah, that's not what's hot.

By the way, that horrifying screen shot of Rupert is from when he was on The Martha Stewart show a week ago. I'm shocked Martha didn't draw a fleur-de-lis design on his face with a silver marker then stick a wick on top of his head and light him.

Meet 66-year-old Rev. William Blasingame of Staten Island, NY. Rev. Willie faces up to 15 years in the chokey after he broke the 8th Commandment by stealing $85,000 from St. Paul's Memorial Episcopal, the church where he worked.

Rev. Willie used the money on plastic surgery procedures, Botox shots, car insurance, pretty clothes, prescription meds and club memberships. I know it's hard to believe that Rev. Willie's beauty isn't natural. It looks like Jesus himself put his hands on Willie's face. His stunning looks burn my eyes. He has a face only the red light of an underground bath house could love.

Rev. Willie worked at the church for 30 years, but began stealing from the beautification (HA!) fund 4 years ago.

The New York Post says Rev. Willie obviously only used the money to make himself pretty, because his house looks like the inside of Wino's crackhive. One church employee said there was animal shit and liquor bottles everywhere! They had to use 5 dumpsters to empty all the crap in his rectory. And I bet there's a bunch of nasty crap in his rectum too. It had to be said.

Obviously, Rev. Willie doesn't believing in the saying "Cleanliness is next to Godliness." But he does believe in "Plasticness is next to Godliness."

Well, luckily Rev. Willie has that precious face. It will take him very far in prison. And by "very far," I mean face first into a foam mattress.

And is it just me or does Rev. Willie sort of look like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds? I know. I need to go stick my head in a toilet.

They tell me this is JLo in NYC last night, but I am not so sure. The face doesn't fit. JLo must have snuck into Mariska Hargitay's hospital room and stole something that belongs to her...like her fucking face! This is some Law & Order: SYF (Stole Yo Face) shit. Get Det. Stabler on the case!

A couple that butchers their face together, stays together. That's always been my motto and that's why I think Mickey Rourke and Courtney Love make sense as a couple.

The Daily Mirror says that Loki's daddy and crazy's favorite customer have been licking on each other's surgery scars for the past three weeks. A source said, “Mickey texted Courtney totally out of the blue, around the time of the Golden Globes, asking to take her out for the night. They met up in secret and had an awesome evening. Let’s just say they didn’t stop at holding hands and a chaste peck on the cheek."

I bet watching them fuck is like watching a hot dog slowly explode in the microwave.

But I'm sure they understand each other like no on else can. When his face spontaneously falls off the bone, Courtney will know exactly how to put it back on. When Mickey's asshole dries up and dies when Courtney is tossing his salad, they will just laugh it off together. When Mickey's jizz load refuses to come out because it's scared of the fugness, Courtney will understand. All these things have happened to them before, so they already know each other. That's true love.

Just as long as they don't spawn. Don't fucking spawn. If Eric Stolz in Mask still gives you night terrors, then pray to the Baby Jesus for strength, because a Courkey baby will make your stomach jump out of your body, run to the kitchen, grab a knife and poke your eyes out to stop the pain.

Here's Loki's new stepmommy, the Queen of Disaster, trolling around in London lst night.

Usher's spokeswhores and the Brazilian hospital where his wife is currently laid up at aren't saying what "routine surgery" she was having down there. But you can always count on the Brazilian media to get their shovels out and dig for some shit. The news site G1 (via E!) says Tameka was about to get some fat and her dick wet vacced when her body started freaking the hell out. Tameka reportedly went into cardiac and respiratory arrest.

It all happened while Tameka was being anesthetized. Tameka had to be put in an induced coma for one full day so that her body could stabilize. Tameka is now in recovery. Her body was not having it, because it just dealt with giving birth to a baby two months ago.

Some whores have been wondering why Tameka flew all the way to Brazil just to get some chunk sucked out. Well, the dumb bitch probably wanted to be sneaky about it. Some whores to go Brazil on "vacation" and come back looking like Dr. Plasticstein's newest creation. They just say a Tupperware factory down in Brazil blew up on them. Or something.

I also hear that they are masters of the plastic down there. They are pros at nipping and tucking. Shit. I might fly my ass over there to get my no-no, bleached, lipo'd and lifted. It needs an extreme asshole makeover.

I used to think that only Lisa Rinna's lips looked like a puss-filled, crusty roid, but now I think her whole face looks like it should be sitting comfortably inside a butt crack. The same goes for Nikki Cox. Why are these woman doing this shit? What do they have against looking pretty? Do they think they will get more attention if they look like they should be marinating in a tub of Preparation H? Well, it's working.

Although, in Nikki's defense, Jay Mohr is to blame. Fucking his stupid ass would turn anyone into a Klingon. When his peen goes in, your hotness gets sucked the fuck out.

Here's Lisa Rina, Nikki Cox and Nikki's dehydrated chichis at the Grammy Awards last night. And both of those dresses really belong on the Rock of Love Bang Bus.

Usher's wife, Tameka Foster, went down to Brazil to get a little (or a lot) of plastic surgery action. Maybe she went to Brazil because she didn't want bitches to find out, or maybe she wanted some crazy shit they wouldn't do here, or maybe her plastic doctor of choice works his magic down there. Who knows? But unfortunately, things didn't go as planned and Tameka suffered a serious injury due to complications. Eesh.

Usher was supposed to perform at Clive Davis' pre-Grammy party last night, but he had to cancel so he could rush to Brazil to be with his wife. It doesn't sound good, because Access Hollywood reports that a neurosurgeon from Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles is on his way to South America to treat Tameka. No, that doesn't sound good at all. Hopefully, Tameka gets fixed, eats the jello, feels better and runs away from that nip/tuck shit forever.

Usher's rep had no comment.

We all suspected that Priscilla Presley's face is covered with the skin of fetuses, but now we have picture proof! At last night's "Road to a Cure" event, Priscilla smelled fresh newborn baby blood in the air and immediately traced the scent back to David Archuleta. The look in her eyes is terrifying! She can't wait to crush down his baby teeth into powder and smother her body with it.

Luckily, David has his crazy tween fans on speed dial and he was able to get them to crawl out of their mom's basement TV room to fend Priscilla off using their screams and garlic salt.

David wasn't completely safe, because a few minutes later Ryan Gaycrest also attacked him on the red carpet. David really shouldn't leave his daddy's side. There's scary monsters everywhere.

While some baby is kicking the back of my chair during my flight today (that always happens to me), Nicole Kidman and her indestructible forehead will guard the gates of Dlisted. Nobody can get through this bitch. You can fire a cannon at her forehead and that shit will bounce back right at you. Tommy Girl can shoot Travolta jizz nuggets out of his Scientolohole and he will fail. Don't even try to break through her forehead.

Just make sure to feed her some mashed up prunes every 30-minutes or so.

Below is Memaw Nicky, her possum-haired husband, Hugh Jackman, his granny and Lauren Bacall at the NYC premiere of "Australia" last night. One really fucking hot film reviewer had this to say about Nicky's performance in that shit: "She can't act. Instead, she drifts around films like a lost porcelain doll, looking frozen, brittle and vapid, staring at the camera with her oh-golly-look-how-I'm-looking-interesting blue eyes. " Yup, that sounds about right.

I'll post more shit when I land! Don't forget to wipe!