Plastic Surgery

Hiya! I'm J. Harvey. I used to write for Socialite Life (then I got fired) and then I wrote for Celebitchy for two whole days (and then I got fired from there, too), and now I blog about guys fucking over on Manhunt Daily.  It's not as seedy as it sounds (yes, it is). You're figuring out that Michael K. wanted to get to Italy stat so he could get fucked up on vino and suck off a gondolier so he just picked some mullet off the blogging street, aren't you? Poor Sweetas. I have horrible grammar, and my run-on sentences are legendary. Fuck grammar! I refused to be chained by your grammar ways.

Oh, and I heard the last guest blogger had an epic meltdown and is currently sporting a self-hug coat and recuperating in a rubber room somewhere due to you fiery cunts in the comments. It's ok if you hate me. I'm drunk right now and can't feel anything. I can't feel anything anyways because I'm dead inside. And drunk. Seriously, you can sneak nips into Starbucks here in Boston. We're a drinking city.

Hopefully while he was on his layover in London, Michael K. spotted this white carnation out on the street and gave her the hug she needs. A girl who will let someone do that to a body part is actually looking to fill the hole in her heart with love, and settled for innnertubes in her face lips. I know why she did that to her pucker, though. It's that overbite. Edward Norton's character in American History X would find curbing her too easy with those choppers. She figured she coud hide em' with the lip job. And then distract us with BOOBS.

Those lips! They look like Michael K's asshole after Fleet Week!

This is British reality television gal Lauren Pope out on the town with some co-tarts in London last night. She's following up her tasteful debut in THIS dress. Let's choose to believe that some The Only Way Is Essex hater slapped her gently with a brick, or put some embalming fluid in her Grape Crush shot. Cuz', DAMN over the "cartoon hillbilly" expression. What drink is that? Pink Umbrella Homeless Dude flanking you is wondering.

Note - FUCK! My very first DListed post and I gave the bitch the wrong name! Ugh, already revealed as a FUCK-UP. The Only Way Is Drunk-Blogging. This unfortunate creature is actually named Chloe Sims. I bet she still borrowed that dress from her friend, though. They share it. It's ventilated and easy access.

You probably still can't walk past a bag of cement without your ass cheeks quivering like their feelings are about to get frozen in heaping mounds of stucco. Reading that story about the fraudulent doctor who injected cement and Fix-A-Flat into tricks' bodies had that effect on everyone's ass cheeks. Well, now your face cheeks can shake in fear too, because another victim of Oneal Ron Morris has come forward and claimed that she paid $300 for what she thought was silicone cheek injections. Rajee Narinesingh got a face full of blended sidewalk instead. Rajee went in looking like a normal person and came out looking like she had a wonk-eyed plastic surgeon who puts tits on her cheeks instead of her chest. Some "Jocelyn Wildenstein with a mouth full of bull testicles" shit.

Rajee tells CBS Miami (via DM) that she has spent three years and thousands of dollars on trying to fix her face. Rajee says Oneal was known in the transgendered community and many went to her for EXCUSE MY BEAUTY makeovers. Rajee completely ignored Oneal's gigantic warning label of an ass, because she was so desperate for feminine features:

“It becomes so dire that you want to match your outside with your inside that you’re willing to roll the dice and take your chances. As a transgender person, you’re thinking ‘Oh, my God, I can start to look like I want to look like and I don’t have to spend a lot of money.’”

Well, I say Rajee needs to turn those cement lemons in her cheeks into cement lemonade. With a face like that she needs to move to Beverly Hills, marry a plastic surgeon and become a bona fide reality star/casino mogul/failed shoe designer! Adrienne Maloof knows what I'm talking about:

And here's the clip from CBS Miami of a reporter trying to interview Oneal as she left jail:

That reporter is one brave bitch. You don't mess with a ho who's basically got a wrecking ball for an ass. One hip bump from Oneal and Reporter Maggie will go flying into the next zip code. The story ain't worth it, Maggie!

UsWeekly put together this Kate Gosselin gallery that leads us on a long trail of Botox from when she looked like an everyday ho (who understood the glamour of an AquaNetted wave bang) to Ashley Tisdale in 20 years (third picture) to a scheming lizard overlord (fourth picture) to today. They asked NYC plastic surgeon Dr. Jon Turk to analyze the Botoxization of Kate's mug and give his professional opinion on why this bitch's face now looks like a factory defected Real Doll based on the Kim Cattrall alien from the SATC2 poster. According to Dr. Jon, Kate pulled her face skin sort of like how she pulled out cash from her chirrun's college education fund to pay for this shit.

"She's consumed with her appearance," a source says of Gosselin, 36, whose TLC reality show Kate Plus 8 was canceled in August.

New York City plastic surgeon Jon Turk tells the new issue of Us Weekly (on sale Monday) that based on recent photos, it looks like Gosselin's gone more extreme this time: A defined jawline and changed eye shape "suggest a facelift."

It's not surprising, the source tells Us: "Kate wants to look 10 years younger."

If your faced morphed into an expression of shock after reading that QUELLE SURPRISE news, then hold it for about an hour and get your co-worker to shellack your entire head. Then you'll have Kate Gosselin face #5 for free!

You know, the face that belongs to the Kate of today looks like a Sunset Orange Crayon with cartoon ant eyes and teefs on it, so I'm sure the ho Real Housewived herself. Kate now has a full-time job at some site called Coupon Cabin (position: Head STUNT QUEEN Coordinator), so I, for one, can't wait to read her article on how she paid for all of her new face work with double coupons and savings cards.

Dr. Drew's insightful interview with Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison about their unjustified deportation from the pumpkin patch for smearing the innocent retinas of children with their full-blown skankness was a ratings goldmine (not really) and is said to be the frontrunner for a Peabody Award (no, it's not), and so he has brought them back for another future award-winning piece of high-brow journalism. Christiane Amanpour, get yourself some Visine, girl, because I see the envy trickling out of your eyes.

In an episode airing on Monday, Dr. Drew is finally going to answer the question we've all been asking. No, the question I'm talking about is not why hasn't Dr. Drew dropped a 5150 on Courtney for driving the world into insanity with her mind-boggling beauty. Dr. Drew is going to take an ultrasound probe to chichis of the 17-year-old velociraptor who Doug found stuck in the Rock of Love Bus' septic tank. Courtney has always said that her chesticle sacks are 100% organic like the rest of her and now Dr. Drew is finally going to find out the true answer to one of life's greatest mysteries.

Oh, that fame whoring Dr. Drew is always finding new ways to terrify us. Why do I have a feeling that as soon as the tech started the titty ultrasound, she looked at the screen and blacked the shit out American Horror Story-style.

Dr. Drew isn't going to reveal the results of his investigative report until Monday, but I'm pretty sure the only things they find in Courtney's titties are a couple push-up bras her nipples sucked in, a few alien fetuses, her original birth certificate and a key to Mesopotamia.

UsWeekly has one picture from a couple of years ago of Nicole Richie's titty situation looking about as flat as the line that comes on the monitor when a ho hooks Parasite Hilton's snatch up to an EEG machine, and next to that they have a recent picture of Lionel Richie's child looking like a twin set of Ziploc bags slipped into her belly button hole and traveled north. Some source claims that Nicole Richie did something she say she'd never do! No, I'm not talking about Nicole going to a hot tub party at Parasite's house without bringing the melted butter for the soft-shell crotch crabs that float to the surface. I'm talking about getting a silicone injection to her chest.

The source says that Nicole is telling her friends that her chichis looked like two sunny side up microwaved eggs tacked to a cork board thanks to breastfeeding and so she took her nipples higher (or lower, depending on who did the job). The source went on to say, "In the past, she said she wanted a lift, though we never thought she was serious. She's been open about it to friends. The pregnancies took a toll. She said breast-feeding killed what boobs she did have!"

Maybe Nicole got her chest plumped or maybe BABIES!! and eating more than slivers of dust caused her breast situation to grow. Who knows. But the real lesson here is that eating is nothing but a good thing. It can take you from looking like a Tequila worm that got bit by a zombie to looking good. Like I've said before, don't eat for yourself, eat for your chichis! Or maybe I'm wrong as usual, and Nicole just got a good old-fashioned Bangkok titty slap.

As Madge's toy Baby Brahim searched the land for the missing shard of a magical crystal to sacrifice to the dark chamber inside her crotch so his soul can be released, his master made the flesh of Italian virgins shiver when she stepped out onto the red carpet at the photo call for her movie W.E. at the Venice Film Festival today. Sure, I can use this space to talk about the reviews so far (Basically, the critics say it's like a 10" peen that can't get hard. Pretty to look at but not worth fucking with.), but let's talk about more important things: LIKE MADGE'S FACE!

Sometimes Madge's face looks like a plate of baby butt cheeks sloppily wrapped in a sheet of overstretched wonton dough and other times it looks like it's starting to settle and has pores that breathe in oxygen with the rest of us. It's somewhere in between here.

I mean, if she opened her mouth I wouldn't expect to hear Jim Henson's voice, but then again I wouldn't put her face in the organic section of the grocery store. However, Madge's eyebrows win all the points. If you put them together, they'd look like a flying bird trying to turn right so that's a nice natural touch. I love it when hos pay homage to wildlife with their brows.

And I also love that Madge wore her best SERIOUS MOVIE DIRECTOR ENSEMBLE. Ho, that outfit is not going to make us forget that you're partly responsible for fucking Shanghai Surprise! NEVER FORGET. Besides, that outfit makes her look like the receptionist at a Catholic School who really wants to be a nun but just can't let go of the dick.

The walking dried bean curd with feuding titties celebrated her 29th birthday over the weekend with a good old-fashioned fame whoring bikini photo op in Malibu with her partner in homewreckery Eddie Cibrian and his children. Your 25 cents a day will go toward a special couples weekend for LeAnn's War of the Roses silicone sacks since it's obvious that they're still sleeping on opposite sides of her bony chest and refuse to even reach out and touch each other. They've been pushed apart and need to reconnect.

Because if her nomad nipples don't sing "Reunited" to each other, she'll just keep terrorizing our retinas with her sternum of doom. It must kill the mood when Eddie has to pull out an industrial-strength clamp to titty fuck LeAnn.

And while I appreciate that LeAnn wore a knit bikini filter over her ass, that mess should really be worn over the anus hole on her face so it can filter out all the shit she says.

That trembling in your eye veins could only mean one thing: it's Courtney Love! But you can tell your veins to settle down, because this post does not feature one of Courtney's signature cracklatin-written Twitter rants that makes your monitor melt and your brain go into sleep mode. It's just a regular picture post of Courtney Love at some book party event in NYC last night with some people who go to book party events.

I'm going to give Court some credit, because she actually looks like she didn't put up a fight when the good hos at the health department gave her a monthly court-appointed bath in ammonia and Silkwood bath gel. So I'll give her that. But bitch needs to press pause on whatever kind of nip and pull shit she's doing to her face. Ho has got the Liza Minnellis. It's like her eyeballs are tired of the SUCIO shit her head is showing them so they are trying to slowly quit that bitch by sneaking out the side exit. If they get any further apart, she can wear them as earrings.

Bitch kind of looks like one of those bulging eye guppies. I just want to throw fish flakes at her and knock on the glass in front of her even though the sign on her aquarium tells me not to.

Since we're already on the subject of horror show torsos that can be the next Batman villain, here's Darryn Lyons (aka Mr. Paparazzi) from the UK's Celebrity Big Brother proudly flashing his bought-and-paid-for fake six-pack gut that looks exactly what Ryan Reynold's body would look like if he shoved a bike pump up his ass and pumped until he was about pop. I blame Matt Lucas for giving a bitch ideas.

Darryn bragged to his housemate, Paddy of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, that he got the dude equivalent of a boob job. More like the asshole equivalent of LeAnn Rimes' sternum tits. Darryn said that a plastic surgeon liposuctioned a bunch of chunk from his gut to bring out his ab muscles. Darryn went on to explain, "I had contouring done to my body. I had to get really fit and lose a fair bit of weight. It takes away all the fat around it and actually lets your natural abs be there. Basically it's the male version of a boob job."

I'm all for almost wet vacuuming up your internal organs for the sake of deformed vanity, but that bitch has to know this looks about as natural as one of those six-pack t-shirts. The abs part of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume wrapped in pastry dough would look better than this shit. Actually, this fool looks like he's wearing a turtle shell over his belly. It's like if King Koopa was in the middle of an exorcism skull spin and his head got stuck facing the wrong way. Darryn is giving us a glimpse of The Situation's midlife crisis and nobody asked for it.

That being said, I'd still hit it. WELL, while you're riding that shit you can play a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe on his hard gut. How can I turn down a half-court game of Tic-Tac-Toe?

via The Mirror

Because it is obviously the week where every single British actress (and cuntresses who keep telling themselves they're British) have something to say about plastic surgery crap, Helen Mirren shared her thoughts with InStyle on women refurbishing their faces. Helen said last year that she thinks hos should do whatever they want to their bodies and faces, but now she's saying that chicks of a certain age (aka Kim Kardassian, Heidi Montag, Megan Fox, etc.. etc...) should preserve their youth by staying away from Dr. 90210.

“The only thing I don’t like on young people is plastic surgery. The purity of youthful beauty is so fantastic to me that it’s horrific when young girls get fake things.”

Horrific? That is a fightin' word to describe the definition of youthful beauty that 16-year-old Courtney Stodden blooms out with every move of her face:

Helen Mirren better sleep in the dark with broken camera lenses around her (Courtney Stodden doesn't go into a room unless it's lit up and ready for recordin'), because it's only a matter of time before Courtney slithers under her bedroom door to pornface her to death.

And this is off-topic, but does anybody know the kind of hung...um...flower...that Helen Mirren is holding in the picture above? I ask, because I've always been told that I have a green anus thumb.

via Radar