Plastic Surgery

Posh can walk to her car without toppling forward, because The Sun says she has had her enormous Ziploc titty bags removed.

This is apparently the third time Posh has tinkered with her chest area. In 1999, she took her natural 34A breasts to 34D. Two years later, she pumped them even more and took her breasts to a 34DD. A source said that Posh was sick of looking like she was produced at the Katie Price factory, so she went under the knife three weeks ago. Posh feels that her new shrunken chichis fit with her new image as classy fashion designer, mother of three and robot praying mantis.

It must be a relief for Becks, because now he can titty fuck her without breaking his boner. And I'm sure her old implants are more than happy at their new home, a bowling alley.

Not only is Jacko's face falling apart, but so is his ear! The Daily Mail points out that Jacko's ear can't take his fugness anymore, so it's slowly eating itself! No, apparently doctors butchered his ears for cartilage to save his wrecked nose. That means he's got an nose-ear on his face!

So now you know that the next time you need to tell Jacko a secret, whisper into his nose. Womp, womp. I'll see myself out.

Unless Jessica Lange is starring in an Oxygen movie based on the life of Jocelyn Wildenstein, she has no business wearing that face. Jessica insists that she's never had any kind of work, but come on. Humans don't ripen like that. You don't wake up one day with a face like Heathcliff's girlfriend. Jessica needs to gaze at Jane Fonda some more. That's what her face should look like! If Jessica effs with her face anymore she's really going to look like a creature who meows when they're hungry. Then Apple is going to name their next operating system after her face.

Here's Jessica and Jane at the Tony Awards last night. I also threw in some pictures of Liza and Dolly, because it was the right thing to do. And that plastic surgery comment doesn't apply to Dolly. She's a completely organic beauty. The Tennessee mountain air keeps her looking as fresh as baby's breath.

Denise Richards was on Howard Stern's Sirius show yesterday and he asked her the obligatory question: "Are your breasts real?" This ho was married to Charlie Sheen. Charlie won't fuck with a trick unless she's got silicone marinating in her chesticle area. The truest thing you'll hear all hour.

Denise admitted to Howard that her buh-bees had been touched by a surgeon's knife three times. Once, twice, three time fake titties....

Denise said, "Um, natural on outside, on the inside they are not. I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought, 'Whoa, you can just buy them,' and stupidly had them done!" Denise thought her new leased chichis were too big, so she went under again to get them downsized, "The next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good -- they were a D!"

She went in a third time and now she's happy, "I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don't do it!"

Okay, I know Denise isn't the biggest anal bead on the string (that wasn't supposed to make sense), but what the hell kind of GD garage plastic surgeon did she go to the second time?! She wanted smaller, but he gave her bigger?! Did he inject crystal soil jelly from the swap meet into her chichis too?!

I'm also going to take a wild guess when I say that Denise's second booby surgeon is probably her current make-up artist and hairdresser. Here's everyone's favorite former pussy merchant out in NYC yesterday looking like Miss Piggy working the child beauty pageant circuit after a crash diet. This is not the look.

Lisa Rinna says she has never talked about why her lips look like a dog's caca-filled anal glands that's about to pop. On Today with Kathie Lee and Hoda this morning, Lisa said that after watching Barbara Hershey in Beaches 23 years ago, she was inspired to get fake titty jelly injected into her lip. And the rest is roid history....

Lisa said, "This is the first time I have told what I have done to my lips. I had silicone put in my top lip not the bottom lip. I was gullible enough to go and do it."

Once the silicone hardened, Lisa said she got cortisone injections. Lisa said she has no regrets, because her lips "made me who I am." That's true. They make her look like the big asshole she is, so that's kind of beautifully poignant.

And you know this ho is sticking a needle filled with veggie oil into her lips on the daily. I'm waiting for the day they finally combust and her mouth will look like an open-faced Philly cheesesteak. And not the delicious-looking kind either.

VIA People

On the left is a picture of Bruce Jenner last year, and on the right is a picture taken last month after he slipped back under the knife to fix his charbroiled mug. Why don't I see a difference? The new picture from Life & Style just looks like it was passed through the Photoshop machine for a quick minute, but his face kind of still looks the same. Okay, maybe he looks a little diffy. Just a little. If I squint my eyes and hum the theme song to Twin Peaks, I kind of see Kyle McLaughlin. Well, Kyle after a block of dry ice fell on his face.

I mean, really! The surgery was unnecessary. If Bruce doesn't stop, his face is going to bust out of there. The same thing happened to Joan Rivers and look at her! No, that's not her real face. That's a re-purposed Madame mask.

Bruce, just quit that mess! You are beauty-ful just the way you are. Not really, but if that's what Bruce needs to hear, then I'll shout it from the highest mountain (aka Kim Kardashian's ass).

When Bruce Jenner got a facelift 25 years ago, he went from looking like a semi-hot-piece to looking like a Kraft single after being microwaved too long. Bruce blames it on a janky partial facelift and a nose job, so he decided to go back under the knife and fix his face. Bruce's third face will be revealed on that Kardashian shit show this Sunday.

Kim Kardassian blogged about it, "Twenty five years ago, Bruce was ill-advised by a doctor to have a partial facelift and a nose job. Unfortunately, the result wasn't what Bruce had hoped for and for years since then he has been the victim of cruel taunts from the media. Since he's turning 60 in October, Bruce felt it was time to correct the mistakes made by the previous doctor so he went to a new doctor for a second facelift . The results are amazing! Bruce looks better than ever and he is extremely happy with the result."

That's what they all say! Just one more surgery and I'll stop. You know Bruce isn't going to stop. In 10 years, his mouth is going to be where his nose is supposed to be and his eyeballs are going to be hanging out on the back of his neck. Bitch is going to look like Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway. Actually, he already does.

VIA UsWeekly

Victoria Principal's maid, Maribel Banegas, was out walking her master's dog and the beast just wouldn't go caca times. Those of us that have dog friends, have been there. You're waiting for ever for that bitch to drop one and he just won't cooperate. You recite a few lines from GOOP hoping that will move his bowels. When that doesn't work, you sing a few lines of a Heidi Montag song. This is what happened to Maribel. Because Victoria's pooch wouldn't bust a butt nugget, she took longer than normal.

When she got back to Casa De Crazy, Victoria was waiting for her and the insane bitch wasn't happy. Victoria fired Maribel on the spot for taking too long with her dog. When Maribel explained that it was the dog's fault, because it wouldn't take a shit, Victoria disappeared upstairs. When she came back downstairs, she was holding a gun and pointed it at Maribel! That crazy motherfucker still thinks she's in Dallas!

Victoria threatened to kill Maribel and even told another housekeeper to move out of the way so she could shoot her ass! Maribel ran into another room where she locked herself in and called 911. Victoria waited outside of the door the whole time hoping Maribel would come back out so she could shoot her.

Maribel filed a lawsuit alleging assault, false imprisonment and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Maribel is suing for cash money.

Please tell me Victoria was wearing a white satin robe with marabou trimming and lucite bed slippers. Also, please tell me she was holding a glass of champagne with the other hand! Glamour!

Who knew Victoria had a house of crazy living up in her head? Methinks she should loosen her face a bit, because all that tightness is making her insane.

And I blame Victoria's dog for this. He knew exactly what he was doing. Maribel probably denied him steak for lunch and this is how he got back at her.

Source: E! Online

SPOILER ALERT!!! The plastic went flying on last night's Celebrity Apprentice. Finally, watching hours upon hours of this ridiculousness paid off. It all started in the boardroom when Melissa Rivers accused fellow plastic-face Brande Roderick and "pokah playa" Annie Duke of joining forces just so they could take her down. Donald Trump didn't buy the whines and he fired Melissa. Since Melissa and Joan Rivers' facelift scars are sewn together, Joan also packed up her shit and said she wasn't coming back.

Before they left, Joan unleashed her fury on Brande and Annie. It was amazing. Joan was so fucking mad. I thought her face was going to fly up into the air like pizza dough and stick to the ceiling. Then some poor sap crew member would've had to shuffle into the room, bring out a ladder and climb it so he could pry off Joan's face from the ceiling with a spatula. Meanwhile, Joan would've been running around the room like a lizard without a tail.

The part that made me laugh until my nipples burped was when Joan told Annie, "I met your people in Vegas for 40 years. None of them have last names! You're a pokaaaaaah playaaaa....a pokaaaaaah playa....That's beyond white trash! Pokah plays are trash, darling!" And then Annie responded with, "Poker plays are the most awesome people in the world." What the? Did this conversation happen in a vacuum, because all of them have had the sense sucked out of them. I feel like we need some kind of official debate on this subject. POKAH PLAYAS: Beyond White Trash or Awesome People Of The World?

And thanks to Melissa for introducing me to the insult, "YOU'RE A WHORE PIT VIPER." I love it when people just dig into their bag of words and use whatever comes out as an insult. "YOU'RE A SLUT MACAROON GARTER SNAKE!'

These pictures of Kelly Bensimon's seizure victim tittays are from September '08, but when I saw them on Best Week Ever and B-Side Blog, I had to share them with you. I know that after you listen to Kelly's sandpaper-on-a-chalkboard voice scream "highly inappropriate" a million times on The Real Housewives of New York, you take an old gym bag into the corner and quietly kick at it while pretending it's Kelly's face. You're not alone in that feeling, because her chichis feel the same. Look at them. They obviously put in a request for a transfer and bitches aren't doing shit until it comes through! They just can't work together. The left one hates the right one and they both hate Kelly's rotten apricot face.

It probably takes 2 body builders and a crane to put a bra on that chest. When they finally get a bra on her, it only holds for a quick minute before it snaps off and goes flying through the room. Those boobies do not want to be contained. They want off that bitch! Move this island!

Here's more of Kelly's rogue breasts with Laird Hamilton, Gabrielle Reece and their kid at an event in NYC last year.