Bruce Willis

Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom's stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a "Pakistani beer" (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan's Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It's sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho's parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don't give that shit to a cop!

The NYDN says that after Scout, who's a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn't her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She'll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.

Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop's theme song is obviously "Cold As Ice." If he had a heart, he would've gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it's one of Bruce and Demi's daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

We already knew that, but now it's confirmed with picture proof! Since Twitter is the new cover of People Magazine and "I'm so rich I don't need to whore out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check" is the new "I'm whoring out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check," Bruce Willis' girl wife Emma Heming posted the first picture of their adorable daughter Mabel on Twitter this morning. Emma added this little note with the picture:

"A beautiful day in Budapest with the loves of my life. Daddy and Mabel cracking each other up"

I know you bitches didn't read that note and I know you bitches aren't reading this either, because I know you bitches are too busy squinting at that picture to see if Baby Mabel inherited the signature Willis girls bold chin. Nope, she didn't. It's Mabel's loss, though. When Mabel's in the mood for fresh guacamole and can't find a pestle, she won't be able to mash that avocado with her chin.

And here's Mabel's half-sister Rumer giving us Ore-Ida hash browns realness at a Nylon party in L.A. last night.

Bruce Willis' girl wife Emma Heming birthed out his fifth child (if you including Ashton) yesterday and because he's destined to live a life where he's always walking into a bathroom in his house to find dirty period panties drying on the towel rack (I grew up in a house full of woman, so been there.), she had a girl! Bruce's spokeswhore released this statement to People about his fourth daughter:

The Die Hard actor and Heming, a designer-model, "are overjoyed about the newest member of their family. Both mother and baby are healthy and doing beautifully," says the rep.

Weighing 9 lbs., 1 oz., Mabel Ray is the first child for the couple, who have been married for three years.

MABEL RAY WILLIS?!!! I love that Bruce and Emma named their kid after an 83-year-old memaw who works the cash register at a discount liquor store and became a local star when she pulled a rifle on a news reporter who wanted to talk to her about the jankem lab she runs in the bathroom of the abandoned gas station she squats in. Rumer, Scout, Tallulah and Mabel Ray sound like the members of a gang of bumbling girl outlaws in an old timey western movie. A Knott's Berry Farm mess.

And yes, I read the "9 lbs. 1 oz" part and wondered if half of that weight belongs to Mabel Ray's chin.

As Emma Heming's chocha cringes at the thought of spitting out an anvil baby whose triple wide chin will put its strength to the test, Bruce Willis is congratulating his 56-year-old wrinkly jizz sack for still having it. Bruce's rep confirms to People that his tater head gene is twinkling inside of a fetus in Emma's womb. Let's hope American Horror Story is real life and Emma is knocked up with rubber suit man's baby....

The actor and wife Emma, a designer and model, are expecting their first child together early next year, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.

The couple "are overjoyed with this news and they look forward to welcoming this newest addition into their family," the statement reads."

This will be Bruce's fourth kid (5th if you count Ashton).

And cut to Demi Moore lying inside of a wooden box, patiently waiting for Bruce's latest tater baby to be born so it can use its chin to hammer the last nail into her will to live coffin.

Bruce Willis is hoping to make your nostrils scream "Yippee ki yi yay, motherfucker" with his brand new fragrance for men, which will keep millions of dust particles company on the back shelf of every discount drugstore in Germany. Surprisingly, Bruce's new cologne doesn't reek of dried play blood, gunpowder, Ashton Kutcher's saliva, the tip of a potato, burnt scalp, digested Propecia pills, dead people and Mr. Clean's pit sweat. No, the company putting out this mess says it smells like grapefruit, pepper, and vetiver.

The COO of the company even went so far as to say, "I personally feel that the new Bruce Willis fragrance is the manliest scent in the world." Obviously, Mr. Perfume COO has never smelled Khloe Kardashian's jockstrap right after her wrestling match with a Yeti.

via Boing Boing