Morgan Freeman

Here we go again....

Morgan Freeman was a guest on NPR'S Tell Me More show the other day to promote one of his new movies and somehow the conversation moved into the topic of Obama and how the Republican Party had it out for Obama from the beginning. Morgan thinks that one of the problems is that we keep calling Obama the first black president when he's really America's first mixed-race president. Obama has said before that he identifies himself as an African-American dude. (Side note: I'm mixed and whenever somebody asks me which side I identify with most, I tell them the side that gets me the best presents for my birthday. It's the only logical way of looking at it.) Here's how Morgan Freeman broke it down for us:

"First thing that always pops into my head regarding our president is that all of the people who are setting up this barrier for him ... they just conveniently forget that Barack had a mama, and she was white — very white American, Kansas, middle of America. There was no argument about who he is or what he is. America's first black president hasn't arisen yet. He's not America's first black president — he's America's first mixed-race president."

He is being purposely, purposely thwarted by the Republican Party, who started out at the beginning of his tenure by saying, 'We are going to do whatever is necessary to make sure that he's only going to serve one term.' That means they will not cooperate with him on anything. So to say he's ineffective is a misappropriation of the facts."

And it was just last year when Morgan Freeman called Obama a black man while talking to Piers Morgan about the Tea Party crazies:

"Their stated policy, publicly stated, is to do whatever it takes to see to it that Obama only serves one term. What’s, what does that, what underlines that? 'Screw the country. We’re going to whatever we do to get this black man, we can, we’re going to do whatever we can to get this black man outta here.'"

WHICH IS IT, MORGAN FREEMAN? Stop allegedly boning your step granddaughter and clarify this shit. This nation needs to know whether or not Morgan Freeman thinks Obama is a black man or a mixed-race man. WE NEED TO KNOW. No, we don't, but we do need Morgan to answer Harvey Levin's calls about Katie Holmes and Tommy Girl. The only tea I want MF to spill is TomKat tea.

Normally, I'd only bring up the topic "Does God exist?" if we were lying on my living room floor, passing the bong around, but I'm making an exception for Morgan Freeman! The God who succeeded George Burns as our Earth God is the host of The Science Channel's "Through the Wormhole" ("Note to self, find a new title for my memoirs." - John Travolta) and in an upcoming episode they get into the existence of God. While talking to Morgan Freeman about the show, The Wrap asked him if he believes in God. Morgan got deep and said he thinks that God is something we invented so musicians would have someone to thank when they win awards and I'd have a name to take in vain to give my abuelita a reason to slap me in the mouth.

Did we invent God?
Yes.

So there isn't a God up in the sky somewhere. We came up with God ourselves.
Well, here's a scientific question: Has anybody ever seen hard evidence? What we get is theories from our earlier prophets. Now, people who think that God invented us think that the Earth can't be more than 6,000 years old. So I guess it's a question of belief. My belief system doesn't support a creator as such, as we can call God, who created us in His/Her/Its image.

Would you consider yourself an atheist, or agnostic?
It's a hard question because as I said at the start, I think we invented God. So if I believe in God, and I do, it's because I think I'm God.

"Have we ever seen hard evidence?" Stop playing, MorFree! Look in the mirror and there's your proof. Is Morgan Freeman, who is obviously God in human form, trying to throw us off his trail or is he being extra bold? I would pray to God (aka an 8X10 glossy of Morgan Freeman hanging over my dresser) for guidance, but I don't know what to believe anymore! Just pass me the bong...

The man who could make your bowel movements seem interesting by narrating them is no longer wearing a wedding band and is officially single. A judge in Mississippi stamped a DIVORCED label in red on Morgan Freeman's marriage of 26 years to Myrna Colley-Lee. Morgan and Myrna actually quit each other in 2007, but she didn't file for divorce until a year later, just days after he got into a car accident with a lady friend of the family. Yup, even God experiences car head gone wrong.

The details of Morgan and Myrna's divorce have been sealed by the court, but Morgan's lawyer tells E! that settlement negotiations went smoothly. Oh, I bet the last Strawberry Shortcake Bar in my freezer that it went smoothly. Myrna sashayed into the office of Morgan's lawyer in her favorite red suit and demanded that he keep her burgundy Cadillac shiny or she'll start singing about his Woody Allen ways to the media.

If you have no idea what I'm going on about, then maybe it's better that way. I don't want to ruin The Bucket List for you. Oh, okay. Let's go over this again even though it's as pleasant as pissing when you've got a boner.

The National Enquirer ran a story last year claiming that then 72-year-old Morgan has been secretly getting it on with his then 27-year-old step-granddaughter E'Dena Hines for 10 years. There were even rumors that Morgan and E'Dena were planning on getting married. This has always been filed under the "rumor" category since Morgan or E'Dena have never admitted it. It's just something we whisper and laugh about whenever they walk by. But now that he's no longer a married pepaw, I wouldn't be surprised to see him and E'Dena browsing the bridal section at Justice.

Outside of a restaurant in Milan the other night, Morgan Freeman just couldn't contain his desire to kiss and nipple-grab Matthew McConaughey. Git it, pepaw! Git on that bitch as if he was your step-granddaughter!